docbungle

I knew this girl once...
She liked to call herself an atheist. She talked a lot. Everything that came out of her mouth was something she had heard from someone else. I went out with her for awhile, just for sex, and a few weeks into it I found out she loved to watch Jerry Springer.

"Oh," she said. "He's so cool. He's my favorite." "Oh yes," I said. "he's a cool cat." My fucking hero. I'm a judgmental bastard and for some reason this set me off. The whole world's going to Jerry fucking Springer in a handbasket. Gossip, gossip, who's fucking who's stepmom in a trailer, etc, etc...and you know.

So out of the blue I ask her "Why don't you believe in God?" We had just finished banging and were both breathing heavy. She sighed. We'd had this talk before. "Why do we always have to talk about this shit?" She rolled away from me, taking most of the covers with her. Greedy bitch. I watched as goosebumps appeared on my legs. I sniffed. I had never liked the smell of her, especially after sex. She smelled like that Australian shampoo with the purple kangaroo on the bottle, you know the one. "Actually, we've never talked about it," I said. "You always get irate when it's brought up and we end up arguing about something else entirely."

I put my hand on her butt. I rubbed it around a little bit. She didn't seem to mind, so I rubbed it around a little more. "Do you believe we came from monkeys?" I asked. She sighed again and turned to face me. She was now lying on my hand. "Well," she sighed, "where else could we have come from?" She looked at me like like I look at myself in the mirror after I take a dump. You know. I began to play with her crotch. "Well," I said. "There's always giraffes. Or a Snuffalupagus? You know, like on Sesame Street? Why not that? I mean, what makes monkeys the species of choice? Just 'cause they got fingers and toes?" "Well, it makes more sense than believing in an invisible 'God'," she sneered. "How stupid is that?"

I sneered back and said, "Well, at least I believe in God for a reason, and not just for lack of a better theory. I suppose you think all of existence began with the collision of a couple pieces of dirt in outer space. And that this collision of dirt caused an explosion that, in effect, set off a series of other explosions with other pieces of dirt, that, in effect, created this planet, for Christ's sake, and on this planet, which was created by the high-velocity collision of some dirt, there somehow came into being a form of life other than dirt."

She started to say something, so I pulled my hand out of her crotch and put it over her mouth. "I'm sorry," I said, "but when I throw dirt, a planet it does not make. I've tried it, and it doesn't work." And I can throw pretty hard, you know. " And so what you're saying is, dirt created life, all by itself, and that's why we're here. Dirt created water, dirt created fish, dirt created blood and intestines and then dirt grew arms and legs and crawled out of the water. Grew a brain and a sex drive. A conscience. Your telling me that my dick is composed of dirt.

But you know? If I take some dirt and put it in a flower pot, and then I get some other dirt, let's say from the yard across the steet, and I mix it together and I watch this dirt. I sit and watch it for the rest of my life? Absolutely no dicks will be sprouting from that pot. Are you following?" She was squirming, so I pulled my hand from her mouth, allowing her to breathe. I'm sure my finger smelled like shampoo and she didn't like it.

"So you tell me," I went on "...why are there no half-evolved pieces of dirt walking around, you know, a piece of dirt with a monkey's ass or something like that? If we came from it why do we hate it so much? Why do we bathe? We should worship it." I paused so she could get a word in edgewise.

After a moment she said, plaintively, "According to your 'Bible', God created Adam from grains of sand, which is basically a kind of dirt, isn't it?"

Fucking cunt.

Deuce66

I wont even go into an arguement aobut this, as I myself am an Agnostic (and a bit better at getting my point across than the afformented woman), but this doesnt really belong in this forum... :-(

CSflim

ummm.....? You mean I read that whole damn thing for no punchline!?

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LittleOralAnnie

I read the whole thing and understood the part about the sand, but I'm kind of lost at where the humor of this is??

CheapBastid

Dirt in space...

Clay at the hands of God...

You say Toe-may-toe...

I say Toe-mah-toe.

Snakeyes

I hate people like that, who just say what other people say to sound intelligent. Then you ask them about something, and they're clueless.


I am agnostic, I don't know what to believe. But no way in hell do I ever push my beliefs on someone or let them push theirs on me.

viveleroi0

DITTO

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"It's not that I don't understand, it's that I don't care"
- Homer Simpson

docbungle

For a humor forum you all sure are grumpy. The punchline is "fucking cunt." Lighten up.

sooz

I was gonna quote some parts of your little rant there but then I realized I would save others the pain from reading them again... what kind of god do you believe in?

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-sooz

mike21

She started to say something, so I pulled my hand out of her crotch and put it over her mouth. "I'm sorry," I said, "but when I throw dirt, a planet it does not make. I've tried it, and it doesn't work." And I can throw pretty hard, you know. "

that part cracked me up.....haha.....that was the humor in the story.

doubleaught

not that I *really* care to get into this, but religion is a mental crutch for those too stubborn to accept that there are some things we just don't have answers for.

don't see how we should "lighten up" when you've in fact insulted quite a number of people on this board just because they think differently than you (yes, maybe your girl there didn't go about things the right way, but still).

Handyman

Just to clarify for the person who made this joke, and I tell my gf this all the time, we did not evolve from monkies.. we and monkies evolved from the same place. And when she asks me, so you think you evolved from monkies, or monkies are our cousins? I tell her, if evolution isnt true, and we all came from Adam & Eve, then you just had sex with your brother. You pick.

zfleebin

HUH? Im not post whoring I just needed to say HUH?

clifclav

well I'm never getting those two minutes back.

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Neither rain , nor cold, nor dark of night shall.......ahh whatever, just get me a beer!

GM2

Once again, science flounders in the face of overwhelming religious evidence!

docbungle

Wow. Didn't mean to offend anyone. I am not expressing my beliefs at all. It is a fabricated story, told from a pompous point of view by someone who thinks they know everything. At the end he is told to shove it up his ass and he has no retort. It was not meant to be taken seriously at all, or I would not have put it on this thread. Sorry for offending. I should learn that people will never be able to joke about this subject.

ratbastard

aw. he probably didn't have a jack anyway, so fuck him

egorey

Thought it was pretty funny to both end up in the same place from different approaches. Irony...