thoughts
 

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

Sometimes I wake up grumpy..........Other times I let her sleep.

I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather...........not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.

I took an IQ test and the results were negative.

He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere, may be having fun.

The sex was so good that even the neighbours had a cigarette.

Diplomacy: The art of saying 'Nice doggie'......until you can find a brick.

Jesus loves you..........everyone else thinks you're an arsehole.

Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

If God dropped acid, would he see people?

If one synchronised swimmer drowns, do the rest drown too?

If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry?

If you try to fail..........and succeed..........which have you done?

Why are haemorrhoids called "haemorrhoids" instead of "ass-teroids"?

The main reason Santa Claus is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "S" in it?

haha, some good ones in there.

I'd be happy like Santa too.
But then there's the old joke about the difference between a bitch and a tramp?
The tramp will do everyone. The bitch will do anyone but you.

Most i've heard before... but I like this one:

The main reason Santa Claus is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

GO SANTA!

I just heard the "i didn't climb to the top of the food chain to become a vegetarian." yesterday on Comedy central present.

Sometimes I wake up grumpy, sometimes I let her sleep was my favorite :)

Having dropped acid, I appreciated the God joke most.