Nursery Rhymes we didn't have as kids .
 

Mary had a little pig,

She kept it fat and plastered;

And when the price of pork went up,

She shot the little bastard.

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MARY HAD A LITTLE LAMB

Her father shot it dead.

Now it goes to school with her,

Between two hunks of bread.

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JACK AND JILL Went up the hill

To have a little fun.

Stupid Jill forgot the pill

And now they have a son.

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SIMPLE SIMON met a Pie man going to the fair.

Said Simple Simon to the Pie man,

"What have you got there?"

Said the Pie man unto Simon,

"Pies, you Dumb Ass"

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HUMPTY DUMPTY sat on a wall,

Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.

All the kings' horses,

And all the kings' men.

Had scrambled eggs,

For breakfast again.

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HEY DIDDLE, DIDDLE the cat took a piddle,

All over the bedside clock.

The little dog laughed to see such fun.

Then died of electric shock.

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GEORGIE PORGY Pudding and Pie,

Kissed the girls and made them cry.

And when the boys came out to play,

He kissed them too 'cause he was gay

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There was a little girl who had a little curl

Right in the middle of her forehead.

When she was good, she was very, very good.

But when she was bad .

She got a fur coat, jewels, a waterfront condo, and a sports car.

I laughed.

Little Jack Horner
Sat in a corner
Eating his christmas pie.
He stuck in his thumb
And pulled out a plum
And said "Holy shit am I high!"

Ol' King Cole was a merry old soul
And a merry old soul was he
He'd call for his pipe, he'd call for his bowl
I guess we all know about old King Cole.

-gc

i have one, i have one !!! :)

Mary had a little lamb
It walked into a pylon
ten thousand volts went up its ass
and turned his wool to nylon

hahahaha...thats my favorite one :D

Haha, nice one Mandy!

Those are pretty funny. Thanks for the needed laugh at work.

There are actually a few I hadn't heard before - bravo!! ;)

Yeah, a few of these are new for me too. Good stuff!

yeah, all but the Jack & Jill one were new to me - and my sister - i read them out loud to her - and we both got a KICK outta it.

but i thought of two - does this count?

hello mother, hello father
i've been smoking marijuana
crack is good, heroin is better
i'm so fucked i hardy write this letter.