j0hnb

A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Taser for their anniversary submitted this:

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 22nd Anniversary and I was looking for a little something "extra" for my wife.

I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Taser. The effects of the Taser were sup posed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on the assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety....WAY TOO COOL!

Long story short, I bought the device, and brought it home. I loaded two triple-A batteries in the thing, and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed.

I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arc of
electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. Awesome!!!

Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Toni what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all THAT bad, with only two triple-A batteries,
right?!!

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions, and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.

I must admit, I thought about zapping Gracie, (for a fraction of a> second) and then thought better of it. She's such a sweet cat.
But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect her self against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top, with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and Taser in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your a ssailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms, and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would just be wasting the batteries.

All the while, I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; (pretty cute really,
and loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, "NO possible way!"

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best...I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head
cocked to one side as if to say, "Don't do it master," reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't POSSIBLY hurt all that bad...

I decided to give myself a one-second burst, just for the heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY MOTHER OF GOD, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION @!@$$!%!

I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over, and over, and over, and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side, in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position,
and tingling in my legs.

The cat was standing over me making meowing sounds I had never heard before, licking my face, and undoubtedly thinking to herself, "do it again, do it again!"

Note: If you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a taser, one note of caution: there is NO SUCH THING as a "one-second burst", when you zap yourself. You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second burst would be considered conservative. SON-OF-A-%#&**%#... that hurt!!!!

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up,
and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they up get there??? My triceps, right thigh, and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I'm still looking for my testicles. I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return.

jewels

Holy SHIT!

Humor? Okay, well maybe. As long as it was no one I know.

__________________
We are always more anxious to be distinguished for a talent which we do not possess, than to be praised for the fifteen which we do possess.
Mark Twain

Redlemon

--> An instant classic - "A Taser Story" - Tilted Forum Project - TFP - Sexuality, Philosophy and Political Discussion

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I can't read your signature. Sorry.

robot_parade

Yeah, tasers are fucking bad-ass shit. Unfortunately, since they are considered 'non-lethal', people seem to feel ok with 'tasing' people at the slightest provocation. Witness the 'Don't tase me, bro!' guy (google it if you don't get the reference). Keep in mind, while the situation might seem amusing, he was hit with at least one shot from something excruciatingly painful. Also feel free to check out the stories of people who have been killed not because of anything they did, but because they were in the wrong place at the wrong time, and the authorities decided to 'tase' them because it was an easy 'non-lethal' way to deal with the situation.

Way, way, overused devices.

fatboss

Yeah, I thought I was experiencing Deja Vu for a moment too then.

Sorry to piss on your chips, but this has been here before.

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"never mind that shit........here comes Mongo!"

Spritebox

lol my fear of tasers has been reinforced. at least you didn't die though!

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it's all nice on ice alright
and it's not day
and it's not night
but it's all nice on ice alright

j0hnb

ek, sorry about the repost. I usually check but I was in a rush this time.

SSJTWIZTA

ahahha!

when i was 15 or so my neighbor cory had a weak taser. we would play this "Game" where if you were paying attention, one of us would snatch the taser off of the table and give the other a nice shock.

im glad the taster he had didnt pack the power of the taser in the story.

__________________
First they came for the Jews and I did not speak out because I was not a Jew.
Then they came for the communists and I did not speak out because I was not a communist.
Then they came for the trade unionists and I did not speak out because I was not a trade unionist
Then they came for me And there was no one left to speak out for me.
-Pastor Martin Niemoller

genuinegirly

This sounds dreadful!

__________________
"Sometimes I have to remember that things are brought to me for a reason, either for my own lessons or for the benefit of others." Cynthetiq

"violence is no more or less real than non-violence." roachboy

Sion

its not the volts, but rather the amps that get ya

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He's the best, of course, of all the worst.
Some wrong been done, he done it first. -fz

I jus' want ta thank you...falettinme...be mice elf...agin...