Hanxter

Humans originally existed as members of small bands of nomadic hunters/gatherers. They lived on deer in the mountains during the summer and would go to the coast and live on fish and lobster in the winter. The two most important events in all of history were:
1. The invention of beer, and
2. The invention of the wheel. The wheel was invented to get man to the beer.

These were the foundation of modern civilization and together were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two distinct subgroups:
1. Liberals
2. Conservatives.

Once beer was discovered, it required grain and that was the beginning of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can were invented yet, so while our early humans were sitting around waiting for them to be invented, they just stayed close to the brewery. That's how villages were formed.

Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to B-B-Q at night while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is known as the Conservative movement.

Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting learned to live off the conservatives by showing up for the nightly B-B-Q's and doing the sewing, fetching, and hair dressing.
This was the beginning of the Liberal movement.
Some of these liberal men eventually evolved into women. The rest became known as girlie-men.

Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the domestication of cats, the invention of group therapy, group hugs, and the concept of Democratic voting to decide how to divide the meat and beer that conservatives provided.

Over the years Conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, most powerful land animal on earth, the elephant. Liberals are symbolized by the jackass.
Modern liberals like imported beer (with lime added), but most prefer white wine or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish but like their beef well done. Sushi, tofu, and French food are standard liberal fare. Another interesting evolutionary side note: most of their women have higher testosterone levels than their men. Most social workers, personal injury attorneys, journalists, dreamers in Hollywood and group therapists are liberals. Liberals invented the designated hitter rule because it wasn't fair to make the pitcher also bat.

Conservatives drink domestic beer. They eat red meat and still provide for their women. Conservatives are big-game hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks, construction workers, firemen, medical doctors, police officers, corporate executives, athletes, Marines, and generally anyone who works productively. Conservatives who own companies hire other conservatives who want to work for a living.

Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to govern the producers and decide what to do with the production. Liberals believe Europeans are more enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the liberals remained in Europe when conservatives were coming to America. They crept in after the Wild West was tamed and created a business of trying to get more for nothing.
Here ends today's lesson in world history.......
It should be noted that a Liberal may have a momentary urge to angrily respond to the above before forwarding it.


A Conservative will simply laugh and be so convinced of the absolute truth of this history that it will be forwarded immediately to other true believers and to more liberals just to tick them off...

and i'll only drink to that but propose a toast to Ted Kennedy

Ilow

Doesn't belong in Humor. Put in politics. Won't be creative or funny there either.

__________________
"Religion is the one area of our discourse in which it is considered noble to pretend to be certain about things no human being could possibly be certain about"
--Sam Harris

KirStang

Yea..not very witty.

Baraka_Guru

Look at it this way: Neither liberals nor conservatives were spared here.

__________________
Knowing that death is certain and that the time of death is uncertain, what's the most important thing?
—Bhikkhuni Pema Chödrön

Humankind cannot bear very much reality.
—From "Burnt Norton," Four Quartets (1936), T. S. Eliot

Willravel

Aren't you a liberal, Hanx?

rlbond86

Where's the part where the ideological conservative leader lies to his people to scare up their votes?

pig

well, the problem is that the original author didn't stick to a cohesive statement...what happened to the wheel and the beer? i kept waiting on some joke involving drunk liberals and racecar driver conservatives or something, and in the end it was just a 'liberals are pussies' 'conservatives are cromagnons' thing. did i miss something?

__________________
You don't love me, you just love my piggy style

Shauk

Isigh*


this is either over my head or below the knees, in either case, I don't rate this as "funny"

of course I'm not a fan of insulting the character of people based on some identifying trait.

I don't see where this really does anything besides bash liberals anyways.

Hanxter

the funny part you all missed... reverse the roles... it works for anyone...

being narrow minded and rigid in your ways convolutes the thinking of one's growth... Edison

uncle phil

hehe...

thanks, hank...

__________________
"We were wrong, terribly wrong. (We) should not have tried to fight a guerrilla war with conventional military tactics against a foe willing to absorb enormous casualties...in a country lacking the fundamental political stability necessary to conduct effective military and pacification operations. It could not be done and it was not done."
- Robert S. McNamara
-----------------------------------------
"We will take our napalm and flame throwers out of the land that scarcely knows the use of matches...
We will leave you your small joys and smaller troubles."
- Eugene McCarthy in "Vietnam Message"
-----------------------------------------
never wrestle with a pig.
you both get dirty;
the pig likes it.

jorgelito

I think you were the only guy who got it.

People, it's just a joke.

Ustwo

The responses are more funny than the joke.

The best part is that what predicted by the joke.

I think I'll forward this to some friends.


Spoiler: If you didn't get that, reread the joke.

__________________
Agents of the enemies who hold office in our own government, who attempt to eliminate our "freedoms" and our "right to know" are posting among us, I fear.....on this very forum. - host

Obama - Know a Man by the friends he keeps.

Baraka_Guru

I'll reiterate: Neither were spared.

__________________
Knowing that death is certain and that the time of death is uncertain, what's the most important thing?
—Bhikkhuni Pema Chödrön

Humankind cannot bear very much reality.
—From "Burnt Norton," Four Quartets (1936), T. S. Eliot

Ustwo

__________________
Agents of the enemies who hold office in our own government, who attempt to eliminate our "freedoms" and our "right to know" are posting among us, I fear.....on this very forum. - host

Obama - Know a Man by the friends he keeps.

Baraka_Guru

It's the joke that never ends, and one of many examples showing how America is an interesting place.

__________________
Knowing that death is certain and that the time of death is uncertain, what's the most important thing?
—Bhikkhuni Pema Chödrön

Humankind cannot bear very much reality.
—From "Burnt Norton," Four Quartets (1936), T. S. Eliot

Ustwo

Quite, though they need a third category.

Some will think they get the joke and post as if only they have understanding.

I do hope you read my spoiler.

__________________
Agents of the enemies who hold office in our own government, who attempt to eliminate our "freedoms" and our "right to know" are posting among us, I fear.....on this very forum. - host

Obama - Know a Man by the friends he keeps.

Baraka_Guru

Yes I did. Thanks for playing along.



And there's always a third category.

__________________
Knowing that death is certain and that the time of death is uncertain, what's the most important thing?
—Bhikkhuni Pema Chödrön

Humankind cannot bear very much reality.
—From "Burnt Norton," Four Quartets (1936), T. S. Eliot

m0rpheus

Not really that funny. However the first thing I could think of was to do the following edit.

__________________
"it never got weird enough for me." - Hunter S. Thompson

rlbond86

An ironic quote given that Edison had such a tough time giving up his guess-and-check methods in favor of more intelligent engineering.

Sion

liberals took 57 shots to the head

conservatives took 3 or 4 light body shots

__________________
He's the best, of course, of all the worst.
Some wrong been done, he done it first. -fz

I jus' want ta thank you...falettinme...be mice elf...agin...

Baraka_Guru

You're clearly not reading it right.


You aren't a conservative, are you?

__________________
Knowing that death is certain and that the time of death is uncertain, what's the most important thing?
—Bhikkhuni Pema Chödrön

Humankind cannot bear very much reality.
—From "Burnt Norton," Four Quartets (1936), T. S. Eliot

allaboutmusic

I'm neither angry nor convinced. I'm like... huh?

Sion

well, Im reading from left to right and top to bottom? was I supposed to read it in a different order?


Im neither a conservative nor a liberal. I reject your labels. I am merely...
sion.

__________________
He's the best, of course, of all the worst.
Some wrong been done, he done it first. -fz

I jus' want ta thank you...falettinme...be mice elf...agin...

Baraka_Guru

Fair enough. How about this: The heaviest hit on the conservatives is in the frame, which is far worse than a simple "body shot."

And by the by, these labels aren't mine. It was a simple question, and one that, if asked of me, I would answer in a similar fashion. And remember that I'm keeping this within the context of Tilted Humo(u)r.

__________________
Knowing that death is certain and that the time of death is uncertain, what's the most important thing?
—Bhikkhuni Pema Chödrön

Humankind cannot bear very much reality.
—From "Burnt Norton," Four Quartets (1936), T. S. Eliot

Sion

I guess I'm not reading it right, because I've no idea what you're talking about. Care to point it out for me?

__________________
He's the best, of course, of all the worst.
Some wrong been done, he done it first. -fz

I jus' want ta thank you...falettinme...be mice elf...agin...

Ustwo

Many many years ago I used to listen to Rush Limbaugh.

Two things on his show I won't ever forget.

One was Walter Williams forgiving whites for slavery and asking that now that they don't feel guilty anymore if they could please stop trying to help the blacks with targeted social programs (hes a black man).

The other was Limbaugh stating that liberals don't have a sense of humor.

This latter point seems to be a general truism that this thread helps focus.

Really guys lighten up.

__________________
Agents of the enemies who hold office in our own government, who attempt to eliminate our "freedoms" and our "right to know" are posting among us, I fear.....on this very forum. - host

Obama - Know a Man by the friends he keeps.

rlbond86

Most good comedians are liberals.

Ustwo

There is the right brained generally liberal mentality and then active politically minded liberal.

The kinda that goes to a protest and posts on the interweb about how stupid conservatives are.

The later are the ones were the type that Limbaugh was talking about that seem devoid of a sense of humor. They lack the ability to laugh at themselves.

__________________
Agents of the enemies who hold office in our own government, who attempt to eliminate our "freedoms" and our "right to know" are posting among us, I fear.....on this very forum. - host

Obama - Know a Man by the friends he keeps.

highthief

I thought this was going to be an anthropoligical joke and was ready to let rip at the next faculty party.

I'm bitterly disappointed ...

__________________
Si vis pacem parabellum.

Tully Mars

I just can't get past the part where the wheel brings the men to the beer. Seems backwards to me.

__________________
I used to drink to drown my sorrows, but the damned things have learned how to swim- Frida Kahlo

Vice President Starkizzer Fan Club

Hanxter

now this is funny at it's best... one side (& it doesn't matter which) trying to justify an arguement for the sake of "one-upping" the other and yet still face planted yourselves in concrete that "this is NOT about me"...

if it looks like a duck, walks like a duck, quacks like a duck... it must be AFLAC



who's ripping off whom here???

and you all said i have no sense of humor

allaboutmusic

THAT is funny. The OP... not so much.