Jetée

A professor is giving the first year medical students their first lecture on autopsies,
and decides to give them a few basics before starting.

"You must be capable of two things to do an autopsy.
The first thing is that you must have no sense of fear."

At this point, the lecturer sticks his finger into the dead man's anus,
pulls it out, and then licks it. He asks all the students to do the same thing with the corpses in front of them. After a couple of minutes' silence, they follow through with his disgusting command.

"The second thing is that you must have an acute sense of observation: How many of you noticed that I stuck my middle finger into the corpse's anus, but I licked my index finger?"







--Sneaky bastards

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As human beings, our greatness lies not so much in being able to remake the world (that is the myth of the Atomic Age) as in being able to remake ourselves.

—Mohandas K. Gandhi

Wolfwood

Haha! I haven't heard that one before. That is great! I can imagine that would be something Dr. Cox would do on Scrubs.

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We're nothing like God. Not only do we have limited powers, but sometimes we're driven to become the devil himself.

Jetée

I think this thread should just be an open locale to drop the best "Doctor" jokes; don't you agree?


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Four surgeons were taking a coffee break and discussing their work. The first one said, "I think accountants are the easiest to operate on. Everything inside them is numbered." "I think librarians are the easiest," said the second. "When you open them up, all their organs are arranged alphabetically." The third surgeon said, "I prefer to operate on electricians. Their organs are color-coded." "You’re all wrong," said, the fourth. "Lawyers are easiest. They’re heartless, spineless, gutless, and their heads and asses are interchangeable."

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

__________________
As human beings, our greatness lies not so much in being able to remake the world (that is the myth of the Atomic Age) as in being able to remake ourselves.

—Mohandas K. Gandhi

Warf Rat

Doctor jokes, what a great idea. Like "little johnie" jokes.

This on is a classic.

Thanks

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A day late, and a dollar short.

troit

I just emailed that to a few friends going through Med school - Perfect!

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I've yet to dephile myself...

assilem

Great one!

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The mother of mankind, what time his pride
Had cast him out from Heaven, with all his host
Of rebel Angels

Jetée

Patient: Doctor, you must help me. I'm under such a lot of stress, I keep losing my temper with people.

Doctor: Tell me about your problem.

Patient: I just did, didn't I, you stupid fool!!

__________________
As human beings, our greatness lies not so much in being able to remake the world (that is the myth of the Atomic Age) as in being able to remake ourselves.

—Mohandas K. Gandhi

SirLance

Both good. I agree, let's have a dr. joke sticky!

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DEMOCRACY is where your vote counts, FEUDALISM is where your count votes.

vermin

You can see the first joke acted out by Harry Dean Stanton in the movie Young Doctors in Love. But with a twist.

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If puns were sausages, this would be the wurst.

Jetée

The doctor took his patient into the room and said,

"I have some good news and some bad news."

The patient said, "Give me the good news!"

"They're going to name a disease after you."

__________________
As human beings, our greatness lies not so much in being able to remake the world (that is the myth of the Atomic Age) as in being able to remake ourselves.

—Mohandas K. Gandhi

Jetée

A patient says, "Doctor, last night I made a Freudian slip. I was having dinner with my mother-in-law and wanted to say: 'Could you please pass the butter?' But instead I said: 'You silly cow, you have completely ruined my life."

-=-=--=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

PATIENT: "Doctor, I've got a strawberry stuck up my bum."
DOCTOR: "I've got some cream for that."

-=-=--=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

The patient says, "Doctor, it hurts when I do this." "Then don't do that!"

-=-=--=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

Nurse: "Doctor, the man you just gave a clean bill of health to dropped dead right as he was leaving the office". Doctor: "Turn him around, make it look like he was walking in."

__________________
As human beings, our greatness lies not so much in being able to remake the world (that is the myth of the Atomic Age) as in being able to remake ourselves.

—Mohandas K. Gandhi

Hain

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////\\// IRONSKY.NET \\//\\\\

ottopilot

Man runs in to his Dr.'s office, "Doctor! Doctor! There's a fish growing in my chest."

Dr. says, "Have you been smoking crack again?"

Man looks stunned and says, "No... but I've been drinking absinthe lately and..."

The doctor jumps up and shouts, "ah-ha! ... don't you know that absinthe makes the heart grow flounder?"

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"It rubs the lotion on Buffy, Jodi and Mr. French's skin" - Uncle Bill from Buffalo

bhamv

A man walks into a doctor's office with a banana hanging out one ear, a cucumber out the other, grapes stuffed up his nostrils and a strip of bacon stuck to his hair.

His doctor says, "You're not eating right."

Jetée

1 Don't worry. I think it is sharp enough.

2 Nurse, did this patient sign the organs donation card?

3 Damn! Page 84 of the manual is missing!

4 Everybody stand back! I lost a contact lens!

5 Hand me that...uh...that uh.....thingie

6 Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy.

7 "Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness"

8 Whoa, wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?

9 "Ya know, there's big money in kidneys. Hell, he's got two of'em

10 What do you mean "You want a divorce?"

__________________
As human beings, our greatness lies not so much in being able to remake the world (that is the myth of the Atomic Age) as in being able to remake ourselves.

—Mohandas K. Gandhi

Jetée

1. she has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband
states she was very hot in bed last night.

2. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for
over a year.

3. On the second day the knee was better, and on the third
day it disappeared.

4. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also
appears to be depressed.

5. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me
in 1993.

6. Discharge status: Alive but without my permission.

7. Healthy appearing decrepit 69 years old male, mentally
alert but forgetful.

8. The patient refused autopsy.

9. The patient has no previous history of suicides.

10. Patient has left white blood cells at another
hospital.

11. Patient's medical history has been remarkably
insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past
three days.

12. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for
lunch.

13. She is numb from her toes down.

14. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.

15. The skin was moist and dry.

16. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.

17. Patient was alert and unresponsive.

18. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.

19. She stated that she had been constipated for most of
her life, until she got a divorce.

20. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car
for physical therapy.

21. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and
accommodation.

22. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus
sized.

23. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.

24. The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he
took a job as a stock broker instead.

25. Skin: somewhat pale but present.

26. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.

27. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Blank, who felt
we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.

28. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.

29. Patient has two teenage children, but no other
abnormalities.

__________________
As human beings, our greatness lies not so much in being able to remake the world (that is the myth of the Atomic Age) as in being able to remake ourselves.

—Mohandas K. Gandhi