Kissing Hank's Ass - Tilted Forum Project Discussion Community

Zeraph · 11-01-2006, 03:15 PM

Hmm guess what this is a parody of?

This morning there was a knock at my door. When I answered the door I found a well groomed, nicely dressed couple.

The man spoke first: "Hi! I'm John, and this is Mary."

Mary: "Hi! We're here to invite you to come kiss Hank's ass with us."

Me: "Pardon me?! What are you talking about? Who's Hank, and why would I want to kiss his ass?"

John: "If you kiss Hank's ass, he'll give you a million dollars; and if you don't, he'll kick the shit out of you."

Me: "What? Is this some sort of bizarre mob shake-down?"

John: "Hank is a billionaire philanthropist. Hank built this town. Hank owns this town. He can do what ever he wants and what he wants is to give you a million dollars, but he can't until you kiss his ass."

Me: "That doesn't make any sense. Why..."

Mary: "Who are you to question Hank's gift? Don't you want a million dollars? Isn't it worth a little kiss on the ass?"

Me: "Well maybe, if it's legit, but..."

John: "Then come kiss Hank's ass with us."

Me: "Do you kiss Hank's ass often?"

Mary: "Oh yes, all the time..."

Me: "And has he given you a million dollars?"

John: "Well no, you don't actually get the money until you leave town."

Me: "So why don't you just leave town now?"

Mary: "You can't leave until Hank tells you to, or you don't get the money, and he kicks the shit out of you."

Me: "Do you know anyone who kissed Hank's ass, left town, and got the million dollars?"

John: "My mother kissed Hank's ass for years. She left town last year, and I'm sure she got the money."

Me: "Haven't you talked to her since then?"

John: "Of course not, Hank doesn't allow it."

Me: "So what makes you think he'll actually give you the money if you've never talked to anyone who got the money?"

Mary: "Well, he gives you a little bit before you leave. Maybe you'll get a raise; maybe you'll win a small lotto; maybe you'll just find a twenty dollar bill on the street."

Me: "What's that got to do with Hank?"

John: "Hank has certain connections."

Me: "I'm sorry, but this sounds like some sort of bizarre con game."

John: "But it's a million dollars! Can you really take the chance? And remember, if you don't kiss Hank's ass he'll kick the shit of you."

Me: "Maybe if I could see Hank, talk to him, get the details straight from him..."

Mary: "No one sees Hank, no one talks to Hank."

Me: "Then how do you kiss his ass?"

John: "Sometimes we just blow him a kiss, and think of his ass. Other times we kiss Karl's ass, and he passes it on."

Me: "Who's Karl?"

Mary: "A friend of ours. He's the one who taught us all about kissing Hank's ass. All we had to do was take him out to dinner a few times."

Me: "And you just took his word for it when he said there was a Hank, that Hank wanted you to kiss his ass, and that Hank would reward you?"

John: "Oh no! Karl's got a letter Hank sent him years ago explaining the whole thing. Here's a copy; see for yourself."

John handed me a photocopy of a handwritten memo on "From the desk of Karl" letterhead. There were eleven items listed:

1.) Kiss Hank's ass and he'll give you a million dollars when you leave town.
2.) Use alcohol in moderation.
3.) Kick the shit out of people who aren't like you.
4.) Eat right.
5.) Hank dictated this list himself.
6.) The moon is made of green cheese.
7.) Everything Hank says is right.
8.) Wash your hands after going to the bathroom.
9.) Don't drink.
10.) Eat your wieners on buns, no condiments.
11.) Kiss Hank's ass or he'll kick the shit out of you.

Me: "This would appear to be written on Karl's letterhead."

Mary: "Hank didn't have any paper."

Me: "I have a hunch that if we checked we'd find this is Karl's handwriting."

John: "Of course, Hank dictated it."

Me: "I thought you said no one gets to see Hank?"

Mary: "Not now, but years ago he would talk to some people."

Me: "I thought you said he was a philanthropist. What sort of philanthropist kicks the shit out of people just because they're different?"

Mary: "It's what Hank wants, and Hank's always right."

Me: "How do you figure that?"

Mary: "Item 7 says Everything Hanks says is right.' That's good enough for me!"

Me: "Maybe your friend Karl just made the whole thing up."

John: "No way! Item 5 says 'Hank dictated this list himself.' Besides, item 2 says 'Use alcohol in moderation,' item 4 says 'Eat right,' and item 8 says 'Wash your hands after going to the bathroom.' Everyone knows those things are right, so the rest must be true, too."

Me: "But #9 says 'Don't Drink,' which doesn't quite go with #2. And #6 says 'The moon is made of green cheese,' which is just plain wrong."

John: "There's no contradiction between 9 and 2; 9 just clarifies 2. As to 6, you've never been to the moon, so you can't say for sure."

Me: "Scientists have pretty firmly established that the moon is made of rock..."

Mary: "But they don't know if the rock came from the Earth, or from outer space, so it could just as easily be green cheese."

Me: "I'm not really an expert, but I think the theory that the Moon came from the Earth has been discounted. Besides, not knowing where the rock came from doesn't make it cheese."

John: "Aha! You just admitted that scientists make mistakes, but we know Hank is always right!"

Me: "We do?"

Mary: "Of course we do, Item 5 says so."

Me: "You're saying Hank's always right because the list says so, the list is right because Hank dictated it, and we know that Hank dictated it because the list says so. That's circular logic, no different than saying 'Hank's right because he says he's right.'"

John: "Now you're getting it! It's so rewarding to see someone come around to Hank's way of thinking."

Me: "But...oh, never mind. What's the deal with wieners?"

Mary blushes.

John: "Wieners, in buns, no condiments. It's Hank's way. Anything else is wrong."

Me: "What if I don't have a bun?"

John: "No bun, no wiener. A wiener without a bun is wrong."

Me: "No relish? No Mustard?"

Mary looks positively stricken.

John shouts: "There's no need for such language! Condiments of any kind are wrong!"

Me: "So a big pile of sauerkraut with some wieners chopped up in it would be out of the question?"

Mary (sticking her fingers in her ears): "I am not listening to this. La la la, la la, la la la."

John: "That's disgusting. Only some sort of evil deviant would eat that..."

Me: "It's good! I eat it all the time."

Mary faints.

John (catching her): "Well, if I'd known you were one of those, I wouldn't have wasted my time. When Hank kicks the shit out of you, I'll be there, counting my money and laughing. I'll kiss Hank's ass for you, you bunless cut-wienered kraut-eater." With this, John dragged Mary to their waiting car, and sped off.

Kadath · 11-02-2006, 11:47 AM

I was reading that and just getting more and more weirded out. I expected it to end with "The Aristocrats!"

Then it dawned on me. And I have to say, making fun of Hank and those who kiss his ass is an ass-kicking offense. And Zeraph, Hank is going to kick your ass for telling that joke.

Crack · 11-02-2006, 01:08 PM

for anyone who is still confused, i'll give you a hint:

And Hank said "Let there be light"

Bill O'Rights · 11-02-2006, 01:18 PM

I...freakin'...love it!

Vizzini · 11-02-2006, 05:14 PM

While I understand the gist of this joke, the wieners in buns, no condiments confuses me. Anyone enlighten me?

1010011010 · 11-02-2006, 05:49 PM

HAIL ERIS! ALL HAIL DISCORDIA!

Does that help, Vizzini?

Zeraph · 11-02-2006, 07:20 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Vizzini

While I understand the gist of this joke, the wieners in buns, no condiments confuses me. Anyone enlighten me?

think sex.

CSflim · 11-06-2006, 11:12 AM

Yeah, this one is a classic.

1010011010 · 11-06-2006, 04:36 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Zeraph

think sex.

Why? It has nothing to do with sex.
It's reference to Discordianism.

timothy4testes · 11-13-2006, 08:36 PM

that joke is too long

nrclark · 12-02-2006, 05:32 PM

this is the stupidest shit i have ever read on this site ... just my opinion ...

Zeraph · 12-03-2006, 10:39 AM

Ooooooook

, for people who just arn't getting it it is a parody of organized religion. It has nothing specifically to do with Discordianism except that they both make fun of religion.

And the wieners, buns, and condiments bit does have to do with sex, it's making fun of the whole missionary position being the only "right" way to have sex, and the catholic's thing about not using condoms or BC (condiments...condoms...come on). It can also have to do with any sexually deviant behavior, S&M or whatever.

Daniel_ · 12-03-2006, 10:50 AM

I like it.

bhamv · 12-04-2006, 11:40 PM

Pretty clever.

GM2 · 12-13-2006, 07:11 PM

the wieners in buns, no condiments confuses me.

Religiouses hate gays, and the pope says using birth control (ie condoms) is a sin. Pretty funny.

1010011010 · 12-13-2006, 09:19 PM

The hotdog thing is straight from the Discordian Pentabarf.

NOW, you may say that Malaclypse was making some gay sex reference, but... yeah, I think it was just a hotdog.

teflonian · 12-15-2006, 07:35 PM

I don't know what came first, the video or the text version Zeraph has here, but here is the video:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fDp7pkEcJVQ

Pretty good stuff, though the *twist* at the end of the video is confusing. Maybe someone can let me in on the subtleness of the twist. I think I get the main joke of the end twist, but found it to superfluous unless, of course, there is some subtleness there that I am missing.

CSflim · 12-16-2006, 05:38 AM

The text version came first. Originating website here: www.jhuger.com/

Sultana · 12-20-2006, 05:04 PM

Fricken hilarious!

Hank's gonna kick my ass *twice* now! Dammit!

Redlemon · 12-21-2006, 09:01 AM

The Law of Five. Beautiful.

Seer666 · 01-07-2007, 04:20 PM

If you don't see the fnords, they can't eat you

Hanxter · 01-09-2007, 07:48 AM

re-run...
http://www.tfproject.org/tfp/showthread.php?t=19688

11-01-2006, 03:15 PM	#1 (permalink)
Zeraph Banned Location: The Cosmos	Kissing Hank's Ass Hmm guess what this is a parody of? This morning there was a knock at my door. When I answered the door I found a well groomed, nicely dressed couple. The man spoke first: "Hi! I'm John, and this is Mary." Mary: "Hi! We're here to invite you to come kiss Hank's ass with us." Me: "Pardon me?! What are you talking about? Who's Hank, and why would I want to kiss his ass?" John: "If you kiss Hank's ass, he'll give you a million dollars; and if you don't, he'll kick the shit out of you." Me: "What? Is this some sort of bizarre mob shake-down?" John: "Hank is a billionaire philanthropist. Hank built this town. Hank owns this town. He can do what ever he wants and what he wants is to give you a million dollars, but he can't until you kiss his ass." Me: "That doesn't make any sense. Why..." Mary: "Who are you to question Hank's gift? Don't you want a million dollars? Isn't it worth a little kiss on the ass?" Me: "Well maybe, if it's legit, but..." John: "Then come kiss Hank's ass with us." Me: "Do you kiss Hank's ass often?" Mary: "Oh yes, all the time..." Me: "And has he given you a million dollars?" John: "Well no, you don't actually get the money until you leave town." Me: "So why don't you just leave town now?" Mary: "You can't leave until Hank tells you to, or you don't get the money, and he kicks the shit out of you." Me: "Do you know anyone who kissed Hank's ass, left town, and got the million dollars?" John: "My mother kissed Hank's ass for years. She left town last year, and I'm sure she got the money." Me: "Haven't you talked to her since then?" John: "Of course not, Hank doesn't allow it." Me: "So what makes you think he'll actually give you the money if you've never talked to anyone who got the money?" Mary: "Well, he gives you a little bit before you leave. Maybe you'll get a raise; maybe you'll win a small lotto; maybe you'll just find a twenty dollar bill on the street." Me: "What's that got to do with Hank?" John: "Hank has certain connections." Me: "I'm sorry, but this sounds like some sort of bizarre con game." John: "But it's a million dollars! Can you really take the chance? And remember, if you don't kiss Hank's ass he'll kick the shit of you." Me: "Maybe if I could see Hank, talk to him, get the details straight from him..." Mary: "No one sees Hank, no one talks to Hank." Me: "Then how do you kiss his ass?" John: "Sometimes we just blow him a kiss, and think of his ass. Other times we kiss Karl's ass, and he passes it on." Me: "Who's Karl?" Mary: "A friend of ours. He's the one who taught us all about kissing Hank's ass. All we had to do was take him out to dinner a few times." Me: "And you just took his word for it when he said there was a Hank, that Hank wanted you to kiss his ass, and that Hank would reward you?" John: "Oh no! Karl's got a letter Hank sent him years ago explaining the whole thing. Here's a copy; see for yourself." John handed me a photocopy of a handwritten memo on "From the desk of Karl" letterhead. There were eleven items listed: 1.) Kiss Hank's ass and he'll give you a million dollars when you leave town. 2.) Use alcohol in moderation. 3.) Kick the shit out of people who aren't like you. 4.) Eat right. 5.) Hank dictated this list himself. 6.) The moon is made of green cheese. 7.) Everything Hank says is right. 8.) Wash your hands after going to the bathroom. 9.) Don't drink. 10.) Eat your wieners on buns, no condiments. 11.) Kiss Hank's ass or he'll kick the shit out of you. Me: "This would appear to be written on Karl's letterhead." Mary: "Hank didn't have any paper." Me: "I have a hunch that if we checked we'd find this is Karl's handwriting." John: "Of course, Hank dictated it." Me: "I thought you said no one gets to see Hank?" Mary: "Not now, but years ago he would talk to some people." Me: "I thought you said he was a philanthropist. What sort of philanthropist kicks the shit out of people just because they're different?" Mary: "It's what Hank wants, and Hank's always right." Me: "How do you figure that?" Mary: "Item 7 says Everything Hanks says is right.' That's good enough for me!" Me: "Maybe your friend Karl just made the whole thing up." John: "No way! Item 5 says 'Hank dictated this list himself.' Besides, item 2 says 'Use alcohol in moderation,' item 4 says 'Eat right,' and item 8 says 'Wash your hands after going to the bathroom.' Everyone knows those things are right, so the rest must be true, too." Me: "But #9 says 'Don't Drink,' which doesn't quite go with #2. And #6 says 'The moon is made of green cheese,' which is just plain wrong." John: "There's no contradiction between 9 and 2; 9 just clarifies 2. As to 6, you've never been to the moon, so you can't say for sure." Me: "Scientists have pretty firmly established that the moon is made of rock..." Mary: "But they don't know if the rock came from the Earth, or from outer space, so it could just as easily be green cheese." Me: "I'm not really an expert, but I think the theory that the Moon came from the Earth has been discounted. Besides, not knowing where the rock came from doesn't make it cheese." John: "Aha! You just admitted that scientists make mistakes, but we know Hank is always right!" Me: "We do?" Mary: "Of course we do, Item 5 says so." Me: "You're saying Hank's always right because the list says so, the list is right because Hank dictated it, and we know that Hank dictated it because the list says so. That's circular logic, no different than saying 'Hank's right because he says he's right.'" John: "Now you're getting it! It's so rewarding to see someone come around to Hank's way of thinking." Me: "But...oh, never mind. What's the deal with wieners?" Mary blushes. John: "Wieners, in buns, no condiments. It's Hank's way. Anything else is wrong." Me: "What if I don't have a bun?" John: "No bun, no wiener. A wiener without a bun is wrong." Me: "No relish? No Mustard?" Mary looks positively stricken. John shouts: "There's no need for such language! Condiments of any kind are wrong!" Me: "So a big pile of sauerkraut with some wieners chopped up in it would be out of the question?" Mary (sticking her fingers in her ears): "I am not listening to this. La la la, la la, la la la." John: "That's disgusting. Only some sort of evil deviant would eat that..." Me: "It's good! I eat it all the time." Mary faints. John (catching her): "Well, if I'd known you were one of those, I wouldn't have wasted my time. When Hank kicks the shit out of you, I'll be there, counting my money and laughing. I'll kiss Hank's ass for you, you bunless cut-wienered kraut-eater." With this, John dragged Mary to their waiting car, and sped off.

11-02-2006, 11:47 AM	#2 (permalink)
Kadath Muffled Location: Camazotz	I was reading that and just getting more and more weirded out. I expected it to end with "The Aristocrats!" Then it dawned on me. And I have to say, making fun of Hank and those who kiss his ass is an ass-kicking offense. And Zeraph, Hank is going to kick your ass for telling that joke. __________________ it's quiet in here

11-02-2006, 01:08 PM	#3 (permalink)
Crack Misanthropic Location: Ohio! yay!	for anyone who is still confused, i'll give you a hint: And Hank said "Let there be light" __________________ Crack, you and I are long overdue for a vicious bout of mansex. ~Halx

11-02-2006, 01:18 PM	#4 (permalink)
Bill O'Rights will always be an Alyson Hanniganite Location: In the dust of the archives	I...freakin'...love it! __________________ "I distrust those people who know so well what God wants them to do because I notice it always coincides with their own desires." - Susan B. Anthony "Hedonism with rules isn't hedonism at all, it's the Republican party." - JumpinJesus It is indisputable that true beauty lies within...but a nice rack sure doesn't hurt.

11-02-2006, 05:14 PM	#5 (permalink)
Vizzini Addict Location: Vancouver, BC	While I understand the gist of this joke, the wieners in buns, no condiments confuses me. Anyone enlighten me? __________________ Inconceivable!

11-02-2006, 05:49 PM	#6 (permalink)
1010011010 Psycho Location: Virginia Beach, VA	HAIL ERIS! ALL HAIL DISCORDIA! Does that help, Vizzini? __________________ *Simple Machines in Higher Dimensions*

11-06-2006, 11:12 AM	#8 (permalink)
CSflim Sky Piercer Location: Ireland	Yeah, this one is a classic. __________________

11-13-2006, 08:36 PM	#10 (permalink)
timothy4testes Loser	that joke is too long

12-02-2006, 05:32 PM	#11 (permalink)
nrclark Tilted Location: Canada	this is the stupidest shit i have ever read on this site ... just my opinion ...

12-03-2006, 10:39 AM	#12 (permalink)
Zeraph Banned Location: The Cosmos	Ooooooook , for people who just arn't getting it it is a parody of organized religion. It has nothing specifically to do with Discordianism except that they both make fun of religion. And the wieners, buns, and condiments bit does have to do with sex, it's making fun of the whole missionary position being the only "right" way to have sex, and the catholic's thing about not using condoms or BC (condiments...condoms...come on). It can also have to do with any sexually deviant behavior, S&M or whatever. Last edited by Zeraph; 12-03-2006 at 10:46 AM..

12-03-2006, 10:50 AM	#13 (permalink)
Daniel_ Evil Priest: The Devil Made Me Do It! Location: Southern England	I like it. __________________ ╔═════════════════════════════════════════╗ Overhead, the Albatross hangs motionless upon the air, And deep beneath the rolling waves, In labyrinths of Coral Caves, The Echo of a distant time Comes willowing across the sand; And everthing is Green and Submarine ╚═════════════════════════════════════════╝

12-04-2006, 11:40 PM	#14 (permalink)
bhamv Upright	Pretty clever.

12-13-2006, 07:11 PM	#15 (permalink)
GM2 Insane	the wieners in buns, no condiments confuses me. Religiouses hate gays, and the pope says using birth control (ie condoms) is a sin. Pretty funny.

12-13-2006, 09:19 PM	#16 (permalink)
1010011010 Psycho Location: Virginia Beach, VA	The hotdog thing is straight from the Discordian Pentabarf. NOW, you may say that Malaclypse was making some gay sex reference, but... yeah, I think it was just a hotdog. __________________ *Simple Machines in Higher Dimensions*

12-15-2006, 07:35 PM	#17 (permalink)
teflonian Appreciative Location: Paradise	I don't know what came first, the video or the text version Zeraph has here, but here is the video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fDp7pkEcJVQ Pretty good stuff, though the twist at the end of the video is confusing. Maybe someone can let me in on the subtleness of the twist. I think I get the main joke of the end twist, but found it to superfluous unless, of course, there is some subtleness there that I am missing.

12-20-2006, 05:04 PM	#19 (permalink)
Sultana Falling Angel Location: L.A. L.A. land	Fricken hilarious! Hank's gonna kick my ass twice now! Dammit! __________________ "Love is a snowmobile racing across the tundra and then suddenly it flips over, pinning you underneath. At night, the ice weasels come." - Matt Groening My goal? To fulfill my potential.

01-09-2007, 07:48 AM	#22 (permalink)
Hanxter The Griffin	re-run... http://www.tfproject.org/tfp/showthread.php?t=19688

12-16-2006, 05:38 AM	#18 (permalink)
CSflim Sky Piercer Location: Ireland	The text version came first. Originating website here: www.jhuger.com/ __________________

12-21-2006, 09:01 AM	#20 (permalink)
Redlemon Devoted Donor Location: New England	The Law of Five. Beautiful. __________________ I can't read your signature. Sorry.

01-07-2007, 04:20 PM	#21 (permalink)
Seer666 Oh dear God he breeded Location: Arizona	If you don't see the fnords, they can't eat you __________________ Bad spellers of the world untie!!! I am the one you warned me of I seem to have misplaced the bullet with your name on it, but I have a whole box addressed to occupant.