Jokes to offend most religions equally - Tilted Forum Project Discussion Community

cj2112 · 07-19-2006, 02:49 PM

Minds are like parachutes; they only function when open!

What's the best thing about Pagan friends? They worship the ground you walk on...

Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshipper? He sold his soul to Santa!

"He is YOUR god, They are YOUR rules, YOU burn in Hell!"

What do you get when you cross a Zen Buddhist and a Druid?

Someone who worships the tree that is not there.

What do you get when you cross a Zen Buddhist and a Druid mathematician?

Someone who worships the square roots of the tree that is not there.

What do you get when you cross a Zen Buddhist and a Druid veternarian?

Someone who worships the bark of the tree that is not there.

What do ya' call 13 Witches in a hot tub?

Self-Cleaning Coven

Get a taste for religion, Lick a Witch!

The Goddess is alive and she ate my homework.

Please hold. All muses are busy right now, but your inspiration is important to us...

How many Gardnerians does it take to change a lightbulb?

Can't say. It's oathbound

How many Alexandrians does it take to change a lightbulb?

Same number as Gardnerians.

Q: What kind of furniture does a Goddess worshipper prefer?

A: Wicker

Q: Why did the Wiccan novitiate give up pork?

A: She thought the Rede said, "Chew what you will, but ham?--none."

A high priest tells his coven member, "Hey, I heard a new fundie joke today." The member replies, "Man, you're always slamming fundies. Why don't you tell us a Martian joke instead?" "OK, Two Martians are carrying their Bibles to church. The first Martian says, 'At the revival last week, I led 15 new souls to accept Jesus Christ as their personal saviour' and the other Martian says--" "Never mind," says the member.

What's the difference between New Age and Pagan?

About $500.00 a weekend.

The definition of "SAINT": "A dead liberal who is worshipped by living conservatives."

The bumper sticker 'Dyslexics of the world Untie" -- it works

How many Dianacs does it take to change a light bulb?

Only one, but that bulb has really got to want to change.

Please don't squeeze the shaman!

When God Created Men She must have been Drunk and Horny!

How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?

None -- if a candle was good enough for Gramma it's good enough for me!

Q: What is a witch's favorite snack?

A: PAN pizza

Q: What's a witch's favorite subject in school?

A: SPELLing.

WHY M&M'S ARE WICCAN:

* MM = Merry Meet*

Round shape for wheel of the year, cycle of seasons*

Skins are different colors, but the inside is the same chocolate, because we are all related.*

Associations with the colors: Red = South, Green = West, Dark Brown = North, Yellow = East, Orange = For the Solar God, Light Brown = For the Earth Mother (Copper Woman)

* Rotate the M & M: M = 13th letter of alphabet, and there are 13 witches in a coven

3 = Triple Goddess, three phases of moon W = Witchcraft, Wiccan E = Enlightenment, Enchantment of chocolate*

"Melt in your mouth, not in your hand"--God/dess's love must be experienced directly to appreciate. Also, God/dess will take care of you.*

Sweetness to remind us of how sweet the love of the God and Goddess is!

If you can't change your mind, are you sure you still have one?

Sign in a Wiccan Bookstore: "No Shoplifting! Offenders will be Possessed! Second-time Offenders will be Re-Possessed!"

What is one thing you never have to worry about? Your airplane being hijacked by a group of radical Unitarians.

A sign with a daggar on it in a bookstore: "Shoplifters will be merrily hacked to pieces!"

How do you scare a UU (Unitarian Universalist) our of your neighborhood?

Answer: Burn a Question Mark on their lawn

Q: How many Druids does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: They don't screw in light bulbs, they screw in stone circles.

Q: How many Druids does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Thirteen; one to hold the bulb, and twelve to drink enough to make the room spin.

Q: How many ceremonial magicians does it take to change a light bulb?

A: One; he stands still with the bulb, and the universe revolves around him.

How many Thelemites does it take to change a light bulb?

None. Crowley never wrote a book about it.

What do Thelemites do for foreplay?

The LBRP.

How many Witches does it take to change a light bulb?

Depends on what you want to change it into.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

If ignorance is bliss, why aren't more people happy?

Moral indignation is jealousy with a halo.

Heck is a place for people who don't believe in Gosh.

" I believe in dragons, good men, and other fantasy creatures "

"I do whatever my rice crispies tell me to"

"Jesus is coming. Look Busy!"

"God Please save me from your followers"

"I have the body of a god: Buddha"

"Jesus saves! By using double coupons & shopping wisely"

- A skeptic goes in to see a fortune teller. "You are the father of 2 children," the fortune teller says. "That's what you think! I'm the father of 3 children!," says the man. "That's what you think," says the fortune teller.

WASP...We Are Sexy Pagans

How many light bulbs does it take to change a gardnerian?

None, they can do it all by themselves, thank you very much!!

Witches do it in the moonlight

Practice safe hex

We're gardnerians...off with your clothes!

I'm doin my part to piss of the religious right.....r u??

Ankh if you love Isis!!

Did you hear, Easter is canceled this year........yeah, they found the body.

A child's version of Easter: easter is when they crucified jesus, and put him in a cave. Three days later he rose again on easter sunday. When he came out of the cave, he got scared by his shadow, went back in, and they had 3 more months of winter!

"Mine eyes of seen the glory of the commin of the Lord
he was ridin down the freeway in a red and yellow Ford
with one hand on the throttle
and the other on a bottle
of Pabst Blue Ribbon beer...

" What do pagans put their trash in? ans: a wiccar basket

Q: How many Dianic women does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: That's W-I-M-M-I-N, and that's not funny!

How do you get a nun pregant?

Dress her up as an altar boy.

Q: What do you call a dating club for unattached Wiccans?

A: Craft singles!

Did you hear that Kraft was so offended by that last joke that they moved their macaroni plants to Israel? Yeah, now they're called Cheeses of Nazareth!

How many Zen Buddhists does it take to change a light bulb?

Two. One to change it, one not to change it.

How many Zen Masters does it take to change a light bul b?

None. The universe changes the light bulb & the Zen Master gets the fuck out of the way!

Another Catholic School joke: Sex is evil. Evil is sin. Sin is forgiven. So, sex is in.

The Mighty God Thor was riding across the skies on his fiery steed Pegasus. He raised his hammer and bellowed, "I'M THOR! I'M THOR!" Pegasus looked up at him and muttered, "You thoulda wore your thaddle, thilly."

Knock, knock! Who's there? Wicca! Wicca who? Wicca dance in the moonlight together, yes?

That was Zen; this is Tao.

Jesus saves...but Gretsky catches the rebound! He shoots! HE SCOOORES!

Hail to the Sun god! He's a real fun god! Ra, Ra, Ra!

Why did the Zen Buddhist get reincarnated as a Pizza Supreme?

He wanted to be one with everything

Crack · 07-20-2006, 04:36 AM

Quote:

Jesus saves...but Gretsky catches the rebound! He shoots! HE SCOOORES!

My girlfriend would like that joke.. hehe

LoganSnake · 07-20-2006, 06:01 AM

I liked these:

- A skeptic goes in to see a fortune teller. "You are the father of 2 children," the fortune teller says. "That's what you think! I'm the father of 3 children!," says the man. "That's what you think," says the fortune teller.

-"He is YOUR god, They are YOUR rules, YOU burn in Hell!"

I don't get a vast majority of others. o_O

shoegirl · 07-20-2006, 06:43 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Crack

My girlfriend would like that joke.. hehe

nope, i don't like it. sorry.

jimk · 07-20-2006, 07:29 AM

what do you get when you cross an insomniac, with an agnostic, with a dyslexic?

- someone who stays up all night doubting the existence of a dog.

biznatch · 07-22-2006, 10:54 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by shoegirl2219

nope, i don't like it. sorry.

Kelso from the 70's show would say "BURNED!!"

DaveOrion · 03-15-2007, 09:36 PM

How many charismatics does it take to change a light bulb? One, since his/her hands are in the air anyway.

How many Calvinists does it take to change a lightbulb? None. God has predestined when the lights will be on.

How many Brethren does it take to change a light bulb? CHANGE?!!!

How many Pentecostals does it take to change a light bulb? 10, one to change it and 9 others to pray against the spirit of darkness.

How many tv evangelists does it take to change a lightbulb? One. But for the message of hope to continue to go forth, send in your donation today.

How many Roman Catholics does it take to change a lightbulb? None: Candles only.

How many Amish does it take to change a lightbulb? What's a light bulb?

How many Polygamous Mormons does it take to change a lightbulb? Five. One man to change the bulb, and four wives to tell him how to do it.

How many Jehovah's Witnesses does it take to change a light bulb? Three. One to screw in the bulb, and two to knock on your door and ask you if you've seen the light!

How many Unitarians does it take to change a lightbulb? We choose not to make a statement either in favor of or against the need for a light bulb. However, in your own journey you have found that light bulbs work for you, that is fine. You are invited to write a poem or compose a modern dance about your light bulb for the next Sunday service, in which we will explore a number of light bulb traditions, including incandescent, fluorescent, three-way, long-life and tinted, all of which are equally valid paths to luminescence.

What do you get when you cross an atheist with a Jehovahs Witness?.... Someone who knocks at your door for no apparent reason.

A poster read: "God is dead" - Nietzche. The graffiti underneath read: "Nietzche is dead" - God.

What did the Zen Buddhist Monk say to the Hotdog Vender?...Make me One with everything.

The story is told of the Atheist who accosted a preacher. "Do you believe in eternal life?" The preacher has no time to reply. "Well its a load of rubbish!" shouted the Atheist. "I believe in science, evolution, survival of the fittest, and when we die, that's it! No eternal life, no great judgement, and no God!" The Atheist continues his assault against the preacher repetitiously and tirelessly. "Eternal life! Eternal life! Ha! "Its all pie in the sky when you die." When I die that's it, the end, no eternal life, no nothing. He continues, until he reaches his climax, "I will be buried six feet under when I die and that's it! Nothing! Caput! When I die I am utterly convinced that that will be the end of me!" "Well thank God for that" replies the preacher!

jorgelito · 03-15-2007, 10:02 PM

That was awesome! Great jokes and follow-ups too.

I don't get it, why would this be offensive? I am very religious and my sides hurt from laughing so hard. The only "joke" I didn't "get" was the very first one. How is that religious?

Anyways, great jokes. that series could do a lot for world peace: getting us to laugh at ourselves.

Thanks for the fun!

Lady Sage · 03-16-2007, 04:07 PM

I have some of the ones from the OP on my car.

Loved them all and can only add one at the moment.

Whats the only problem with baptists?
They dont hold them under long enough.

(Joke only, no offense meant if anyone takes any)

caver · 03-17-2007, 05:03 PM

You do know why Southern Baptists don't have sex standing up, don't you??

They are afraid people will think they are dancing.

07-19-2006, 02:49 PM	#1 (permalink)
cj2112 Unbelievable Location: Grants Pass OR	Jokes to offend most religions equally Minds are like parachutes; they only function when open! What's the best thing about Pagan friends? They worship the ground you walk on... Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshipper? He sold his soul to Santa! "He is YOUR god, They are YOUR rules, YOU burn in Hell!" What do you get when you cross a Zen Buddhist and a Druid? Someone who worships the tree that is not there. What do you get when you cross a Zen Buddhist and a Druid mathematician? Someone who worships the square roots of the tree that is not there. What do you get when you cross a Zen Buddhist and a Druid veternarian? Someone who worships the bark of the tree that is not there. What do ya' call 13 Witches in a hot tub? Self-Cleaning Coven Get a taste for religion, Lick a Witch! The Goddess is alive and she ate my homework. Please hold. All muses are busy right now, but your inspiration is important to us... How many Gardnerians does it take to change a lightbulb? Can't say. It's oathbound How many Alexandrians does it take to change a lightbulb? Same number as Gardnerians. Q: What kind of furniture does a Goddess worshipper prefer? A: Wicker Q: Why did the Wiccan novitiate give up pork? A: She thought the Rede said, "Chew what you will, but ham?--none." A high priest tells his coven member, "Hey, I heard a new fundie joke today." The member replies, "Man, you're always slamming fundies. Why don't you tell us a Martian joke instead?" "OK, Two Martians are carrying their Bibles to church. The first Martian says, 'At the revival last week, I led 15 new souls to accept Jesus Christ as their personal saviour' and the other Martian says--" "Never mind," says the member. What's the difference between New Age and Pagan? About $500.00 a weekend. The definition of "SAINT": "A dead liberal who is worshipped by living conservatives." The bumper sticker 'Dyslexics of the world Untie" -- it works How many Dianacs does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but that bulb has really got to want to change. Please don't squeeze the shaman! When God Created Men She must have been Drunk and Horny! How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb? None -- if a candle was good enough for Gramma it's good enough for me! Q: What is a witch's favorite snack? A: PAN pizza Q: What's a witch's favorite subject in school? A: SPELLing. WHY M&M'S ARE WICCAN: * MM = Merry Meet* Round shape for wheel of the year, cycle of seasons* Skins are different colors, but the inside is the same chocolate, because we are all related.* Associations with the colors: Red = South, Green = West, Dark Brown = North, Yellow = East, Orange = For the Solar God, Light Brown = For the Earth Mother (Copper Woman) * Rotate the M & M: M = 13th letter of alphabet, and there are 13 witches in a coven 3 = Triple Goddess, three phases of moon W = Witchcraft, Wiccan E = Enlightenment, Enchantment of chocolate* "Melt in your mouth, not in your hand"--God/dess's love must be experienced directly to appreciate. Also, God/dess will take care of you.* Sweetness to remind us of how sweet the love of the God and Goddess is! If you can't change your mind, are you sure you still have one? Sign in a Wiccan Bookstore: "No Shoplifting! Offenders will be Possessed! Second-time Offenders will be Re-Possessed!" What is one thing you never have to worry about? Your airplane being hijacked by a group of radical Unitarians. A sign with a daggar on it in a bookstore: "Shoplifters will be merrily hacked to pieces!" How do you scare a UU (Unitarian Universalist) our of your neighborhood? Answer: Burn a Question Mark on their lawn Q: How many Druids does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: They don't screw in light bulbs, they screw in stone circles. Q: How many Druids does it take to change a light bulb? A: Thirteen; one to hold the bulb, and twelve to drink enough to make the room spin. Q: How many ceremonial magicians does it take to change a light bulb? A: One; he stands still with the bulb, and the universe revolves around him. How many Thelemites does it take to change a light bulb? None. Crowley never wrote a book about it. What do Thelemites do for foreplay? The LBRP. How many Witches does it take to change a light bulb? Depends on what you want to change it into. Atheism is a non-prophet organization. If ignorance is bliss, why aren't more people happy? Moral indignation is jealousy with a halo. Heck is a place for people who don't believe in Gosh. " I believe in dragons, good men, and other fantasy creatures " "I do whatever my rice crispies tell me to" "Jesus is coming. Look Busy!" "God Please save me from your followers" "I have the body of a god: Buddha" "Jesus saves! By using double coupons & shopping wisely" - A skeptic goes in to see a fortune teller. "You are the father of 2 children," the fortune teller says. "That's what you think! I'm the father of 3 children!," says the man. "That's what you think," says the fortune teller. WASP...We Are Sexy Pagans How many light bulbs does it take to change a gardnerian? None, they can do it all by themselves, thank you very much!! Witches do it in the moonlight Practice safe hex We're gardnerians...off with your clothes! I'm doin my part to piss of the religious right.....r u?? Ankh if you love Isis!! Did you hear, Easter is canceled this year........yeah, they found the body. A child's version of Easter: easter is when they crucified jesus, and put him in a cave. Three days later he rose again on easter sunday. When he came out of the cave, he got scared by his shadow, went back in, and they had 3 more months of winter! "Mine eyes of seen the glory of the commin of the Lord he was ridin down the freeway in a red and yellow Ford with one hand on the throttle and the other on a bottle of Pabst Blue Ribbon beer... " What do pagans put their trash in? ans: a wiccar basket Q: How many Dianic women does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: That's W-I-M-M-I-N, and that's not funny! How do you get a nun pregant? Dress her up as an altar boy. Q: What do you call a dating club for unattached Wiccans? A: Craft singles! Did you hear that Kraft was so offended by that last joke that they moved their macaroni plants to Israel? Yeah, now they're called Cheeses of Nazareth! How many Zen Buddhists does it take to change a light bulb? Two. One to change it, one not to change it. How many Zen Masters does it take to change a light bul b? None. The universe changes the light bulb & the Zen Master gets the fuck out of the way! Another Catholic School joke: Sex is evil. Evil is sin. Sin is forgiven. So, sex is in. The Mighty God Thor was riding across the skies on his fiery steed Pegasus. He raised his hammer and bellowed, "I'M THOR! I'M THOR!" Pegasus looked up at him and muttered, "You thoulda wore your thaddle, thilly." Knock, knock! Who's there? Wicca! Wicca who? Wicca dance in the moonlight together, yes? That was Zen; this is Tao. Jesus saves...but Gretsky catches the rebound! He shoots! HE SCOOORES! Hail to the Sun god! He's a real fun god! Ra, Ra, Ra! Why did the Zen Buddhist get reincarnated as a Pizza Supreme? He wanted to be one with everything

07-20-2006, 06:01 AM	#3 (permalink)
LoganSnake We work alone Location: Cake Town	I liked these: - A skeptic goes in to see a fortune teller. "You are the father of 2 children," the fortune teller says. "That's what you think! I'm the father of 3 children!," says the man. "That's what you think," says the fortune teller. -"He is YOUR god, They are YOUR rules, YOU burn in Hell!" I don't get a vast majority of others. o_O __________________ Maturity is knowing you were an idiot in the past. Wisdom is knowing that you'll be an idiot in the future. Common sense is knowing that you should try not to be an idiot now. - J. Jacques

07-20-2006, 07:29 AM	#5 (permalink)
jimk Addict Location: Chicago	what do you get when you cross an insomniac, with an agnostic, with a dyslexic? - someone who stays up all night doubting the existence of a dog. __________________ raw power is a guaranteed o.d. raw power is a laughin' at you & me -iggy

03-15-2007, 09:36 PM	#7 (permalink)
DaveOrion Playing With Fire Location: Disaster Area	How many charismatics does it take to change a light bulb? One, since his/her hands are in the air anyway. How many Calvinists does it take to change a lightbulb? None. God has predestined when the lights will be on. How many Brethren does it take to change a light bulb? CHANGE?!!! How many Pentecostals does it take to change a light bulb? 10, one to change it and 9 others to pray against the spirit of darkness. How many tv evangelists does it take to change a lightbulb? One. But for the message of hope to continue to go forth, send in your donation today. How many Roman Catholics does it take to change a lightbulb? None: Candles only. How many Amish does it take to change a lightbulb? What's a light bulb? How many Polygamous Mormons does it take to change a lightbulb? Five. One man to change the bulb, and four wives to tell him how to do it. How many Jehovah's Witnesses does it take to change a light bulb? Three. One to screw in the bulb, and two to knock on your door and ask you if you've seen the light! How many Unitarians does it take to change a lightbulb? We choose not to make a statement either in favor of or against the need for a light bulb. However, in your own journey you have found that light bulbs work for you, that is fine. You are invited to write a poem or compose a modern dance about your light bulb for the next Sunday service, in which we will explore a number of light bulb traditions, including incandescent, fluorescent, three-way, long-life and tinted, all of which are equally valid paths to luminescence. What do you get when you cross an atheist with a Jehovahs Witness?.... Someone who knocks at your door for no apparent reason. A poster read: "God is dead" - Nietzche. The graffiti underneath read: "Nietzche is dead" - God. What did the Zen Buddhist Monk say to the Hotdog Vender?...Make me One with everything. The story is told of the Atheist who accosted a preacher. "Do you believe in eternal life?" The preacher has no time to reply. "Well its a load of rubbish!" shouted the Atheist. "I believe in science, evolution, survival of the fittest, and when we die, that's it! No eternal life, no great judgement, and no God!" The Atheist continues his assault against the preacher repetitiously and tirelessly. "Eternal life! Eternal life! Ha! "Its all pie in the sky when you die." When I die that's it, the end, no eternal life, no nothing. He continues, until he reaches his climax, "I will be buried six feet under when I die and that's it! Nothing! Caput! When I die I am utterly convinced that that will be the end of me!" "Well thank God for that" replies the preacher! __________________ *Syriana*...have you ever tried liquid MDMA?....Liquid MDMA? No....Arash, when you wanna do this?.....After prayer...

03-16-2007, 04:07 PM	#9 (permalink)
Lady Sage Mistress of Mayhem Location: Canton, Ohio	I have some of the ones from the OP on my car. Loved them all and can only add one at the moment. Whats the only problem with baptists? They dont hold them under long enough. (Joke only, no offense meant if anyone takes any) __________________ If only closed minds came with closed mouths. Minds are like parachutes, they function best when open. It`s Easier to Change a Condom Than a Diaper Yes, the rumors are true... I actually AM a Witch.

03-15-2007, 10:02 PM	#8 (permalink)
jorgelito All important elusive independent swing voter... Location: People's Republic of KKKalifornia	That was awesome! Great jokes and follow-ups too. I don't get it, why would this be offensive? I am very religious and my sides hurt from laughing so hard. The only "joke" I didn't "get" was the very first one. How is that religious? Anyways, great jokes. that series could do a lot for world peace: getting us to laugh at ourselves. Thanks for the fun!

03-17-2007, 05:03 PM	#10 (permalink)
caver Tilted Location: Texas, Lbk	You do know why Southern Baptists don't have sex standing up, don't you?? They are afraid people will think they are dancing. __________________ "They misunderestimated me." "You never let the crack whore tie you up on the first date." (The_Jazz)