heh, that was pretty dorky.

What did one gay say to the other gay at the bar?

Can I push in your stool?

This is hilarious. I absolutely love this one. i don't know if its the image in my mind or somthing else but i can't stop laughing about it.

My all time fav. one liner-

Two guys walk into a bar...the third guy ducks

Another good one...

A duck, a priest, and a talking horse all walk into a bar. The bartender looks at them and says "What is this, some sort of a joke?"


Whoooo!

Why did the cookie go to jail?

He was baked.

I know that is weak but it can lighten the mood at least slightly

I had Asian for lunch today. Too bad I lost her number.

I hope these aren't breaking any rules, I call these generic jokes! And you've probably all heard them, but I didn't see them posted here, so here we go. Wherever you see <blank> insert whatever you like, lawyers, groups of people, whatever. :)

Q: What do you call 10,000 <blank> at the bottom of the ocean?
A: A pretty good start.

Q: How do you save a <blank> from drowning?
A: Take your foot off their head.

Q: What's brown and black and looks good on a <blank>?
A: A doberman.

I had more, but of course as soon as I started typing I forgot them >.<

Discovered by the Germans in 1904, they named it "San Diago" which of course in German means "A whale's vagina."

- Anchorman

Q: What did one gay sperm say to the other?

A: I can't see a thing with all this shit in here!

Why does a chicken coup have two doors?


Because if it had four doors, it would be a sedan.

:)

Math nerd joke: Skip it.

Q> Why did the chicken cross the Mobius Strip?
A> Spoiler: To get to the other... oh...

Sorry if this one's already been said in this thread, but 26 pages is a little much to read through to find out:

Two drums and a cymbal set fall off a cliff...

Buh-Dum-Chh! :lol:

Sorry, that one cracks me up.

If this makes any sense to anyone, please PM me...

What's the difference between Mick Jagger and a Scotsman?

Mick Jagger sings "Hey, you, get off of my cloud!"

A Scotsman says "Hey, McCloud, get off of my ewe!"

Quote of the day: "God is a sadistic fucker, he has man working hard all his life looking for a good lay and when the poor schmuck gets one, what does God do? Damn right, he takes the guys life."....... A friend of mine in an email after learning one of our friends died having a heart attack during sex.

Sorry if this one's been told before, but I couldn't find it anywhere. It's a "read-out-loud" one -- tell it, and it's guaranteed to induce hilarity in (a) any eight-year-olds you know, and (b) me.

Q: What do you call a pig with three eyes?
A: A piiig.

Q: How do you circumcize a redneck?
A: Kick his sister in the jaw!

I'll kick ya ass so bad......you'll be the only person in heaven, scootin around in a wheel chair.

Heard that today. good line from Chris rock.

A New Zealander is walking along the road with a sheep under each arm. He meets another New Zealander who says "You sheerin' mate?" and the first guy replies "naw, they're all mine :love: "

Why was Helen Keller a bad driver?
-because she was a woman


What do you get when you throw a grenade in a kitchen
-Linolium Blownapart

let's try one in spanish ..

Que hace el pesce en el mar? Nada

here's one i saw and liked for the techno in all of us ...

there are 10 types of people in the world, those who understand binary and those who don't ...

What did the ghost say to the bee?

BOO BEE!...............HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!!!!!!
sorry :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D

O.K.

Two guys walked into a bar and a third one ducked.



*Patrick-esque voice" AHAHAHA, It's like... a pun or something!

Survey shows that minesweaping draws the most dilligent and precise individuals of any proffecion with employees averaging only one mistake per career.

They say money can't buy happiness, and they're right. Happiness is however, a free gift that comes with money!

Can someby explain this "joke" to me?

"Two guys walk into a bar, third one ducks"

I cannot get it for the life of me.

as in a steel bar.

So I had a friend translate the spanish one for me. He didn't get it and therefore neither did I. So please, a little help....

OK, go back to 8th grade English... Remember a 'pun'? It is a word that says one thing, but means another one and is a literary device.

The joke is simply playing with the word 'bar'. Two guys walked into a bar (a saloon/tavern type bar) and a third one ducked. [under the bar (pole)]


[under the bar...] = added to joke.

woo hoo! double post


I was thinking and i came up with this...



Dueling is the only game where no-one fights over who won.

and please, no "well, if they both missed..." I'm just happy i made something funny.

I've read this joke a few times now and I can't figure it out, anyone care to explain it?

This one provoked a laugh from me, nice one. :lol:

10 is 2 in bianary.

Nada means both nothing and swimming as in the 3rd person singular of nadar.

Q: What did the number 0 say to the number 8?

A: Nice Belt!

Q: What do you call a man with no arms and no legs on the floor?


A: Matt

Q: What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in the water?


A: Bob


Q: What do you call a man with no arms and no legs on the wall?


A: Art


Q: What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in a ditch?


A: Phil


Q: What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in the bushes?


A: Russell

Q: How do canadians count to three?


A: One, eh, Two, eh, Three, eh...

why did hitler kill himself?









he got the gas bill

Q: What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in a hole?

A: Doug

Any more?

What's the difference between a tribe of Pigmies and a girl's track team?


The Pigmies are a bunch of cunning runts...

What's the difference between counterfeit money and a skinny woman?

The counterfeit money is a phony buck...

What do you call a man with no arms or legs, with a seagull sitting on his head?

Cliff!

Where did Saddam Hussein keep his CD's?
In a rack!

"Doctor, I feel like a Teepee and a Marquee"
"Relax, you're too tense!"

Where is the British cannibal festival held?

Liverpool.

...tried to make a good one up but failed.

Alright, so my girlfriends dad told me this one last night...

What do british beers and elephants have in common?

Both come in pints.

Einstein
 

HAHAHAHA... that's awesome.

What does NASA stand for?
Need Another Seven Astronauts

I'm a Psuedomasochist, pretend to spank me.

A priest turn to a rabbi, and says "Did you here the one about us?"

A polar bear walks into a bar with a penguin under one arm, and a 3 foot salami under the other.
(Sorry, in-joke. All the Mechwarrior 4 fans are groaning though)

*ahem* try the Breakfast Club. Also, see thread: Tilted Forum Project - Seeking a specific joke

why does snoop dogg need an umbrella?

fo drizzle

How does Snoop Dogg keep his whites their whitest?

Lots and Lots of Bleee-atch.


(sounds cooler when you say it)

Back in the mid 70's I remember watching Johnny Carson and seeing Tony Randle ask Johnny "what's the difference between a Stick-up and a Hold-up Tony replied "Age""

A woman walks into a bar and asks for a double-entendre, so the barman gives her one. :rolleyes:

Searching for porn on the internet is like searching for hay in a haystack..

Dumb
 

HHHHHMMMM
 

Life is an incurable, 100% fatal sexually transmitted disease!

Does this mean you don't exist either?

Apparently everyone is bored with THIS thread.

wow.. that's soo eeerie... how did you know?

Q: What did one lesbian vampire say to the other?
A: See you next month.

Q: What do you call a dog with two legs?
A: Scooter

Okay, maybe not technically one liners. And not mine. But seem to fit here...

"Going to a strip club is like going to a restaurant where I can't eat the food. They just bring by big plates of steamed vegetables and beef, and go, Hey! Don't touch that!" -- Tim Allen, Don't Stand Too Close To a Naked Man

"Last year I entered the LA marathon. I finished last. It was embarrassing.
And the guy who was in front of me, second to last, was making fun of me.
He said, "Hey, Gerry, how does it feel to be last?" I said, "You want to
know?" So I dropped out." -- Gerry Bednob

How many Aquarians does it take to change a light bulb?
Like, why don't you just get out of my face and stop asking me to do all your work for you? I'm, like, really totally sick and tired of you asking me questions.

How many tenors does it take to change a light bulb?
Three - One to do it and two to stand there and tell each other how they could have done it better.
-----
Wow... Reading your minds here. These are lame!

And I repeat: not mine!
-----
"There is more room in your head for thoughts than thoughts in your head for room." ~ Runner up in the "This is your new sig" contest...

Ummm....i don't get it.

The Irish air disaster is the best I've heard. Brilliant!!

three tampons walk down the street, how many would stop and wave to you?



................



none they are all stuck up c***s

Some one liners
 

And, no, I didn't search the thread to see if these were here before.
__________

DID YOU HEAR THE ONE ABOUT...

...the convict who had an allergy? He broke out.

...the mime who went shopping? He only bought unmentionables.

...the knife-sharpener who quit his job? He couldn't stand the daily grind.

...the 400-pound cartoonist? He was overdrawn.

...the claustrophobic astronaut? He needed some space.

How do you keep an asshole in suspence......

Personal fav that's clean cut for all ages.

Steak and eggs walk into a bar.


Bartender looks at them and says "Sorry, we don't serve breakfast."

What comes between fear and sex?

Funf.

What's green, slimy, and smells like ham?

Kermit's finger.

You hear about the Gay midget that just came out of the cupboard?

What do you get when you cross a donkey with an onion?

Usually nothing, but one time out of ten you get a piece of ass that brings tears to your eyes.

I went to Taco Bell today. I don't really like the food, but it was the only place I could get gas for a dollar.

Q. and A.'s
 

Q. What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball?
A. A guy will actually search for a golf ball.

Q. What is the difference between a drug dealer and a hooker?
A. A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.

Q. What's the height of conceit?
A. Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.

Q. What's the definition of macho?
A. Jogging home from your vasectomy.

Q. Do you know how Montana cowboys practice safe sex?
A. They spray paint X's on the back of the sheep that kick.


Q. What is a Yankee?
A. The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

Q. What do Tupperware and a walrus have in common?
A. They both like a tight seal.

Q. What do a Christmas tree and priest have in common?
A. Their balls are just for decoration.

Q. What is the difference between "ooooooh" and "aaaaaaah"?
A. About three inches.

Q. What's the difference between purple and pink?
A. The grip.

Q. How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony?
A. It's not hard.

Q. How do you circumcise a hillbilly?
A. Kick his sister in the jaw.

Q. What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
A. 5 minutes.

Q. Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
A. breasts don't have eyes.

Q. If the dove is the bird of peace, what is the bird of true love?
A. The swallow.

Q. What is the difference between medium and rare?
A. Six inches is medium, eight inches is rare .

Q. Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning?
A. They don't have balls to scratch

All this pollen is killing me, You can see the green clouds of it floating in the air.
pollen is just tree sperm...
I feel like mother nature just gave me a facial.

He carried a bullet in his breast pocket. Someone threw a Bible at him and the bullet saved his life.

Give credit where credit is due. That's Woody Allen from his stand up days in the mid 60's.

To paraphrase the story as he told it: "Years ago, my mother ... gave me ... a bullet. I carried it around in my left breast pocket. One day I was walking down the street and a berserk evangelist hurled a bible out a second story window striking me in the chestal area. That bible would have gone through my heart if it wasn't for that bullet."

The quote gestapo caught me red handed.

Here is another, all mine, I swear *ClintonThumb up*


I believe Dr. Kevorkian is on to something. Suicide is our way of saying to God, "You can't fire me. I quit!"

So a dyslexic man walks into a bra...

Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them,
"I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the
convent."
"Thank goodness," said an elderly nun at the back. "I'm so tired of
chardonnay."

What do you call a girl with a tile on her head?

Ruth.



What do you call a man swimmin the English channel with no arms,no legs and no body?

A Smartass.

Two peanuts are walking down the street ...

... one was a-salted.

Whats black and white and goes 'oo'?


A cow with no lips.

Sign over a Gynecologist's Office:
> "Dr. Jones, at your cervix."
> ************************** ****
>
>
> In a Podiatrist's office:
>
> "Time wounds all heels."
> **************************
>
>
> On a Septic Tank Truck in Oregon :
> "Yesterday's Meals on Wheels"
>
> **************************
>
> At a Proctologist's door:
>
> "To expedite your visit please back in."
> **************************
>
>
> On a Plumber's truck:
>
> "Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."
> **************************
>
>
> At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee :
>
> "Invite us to your next blowout."
> ************** ************
>
> At a Towing company:
>
> "We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."
> *************** ***********
>
> On an Electrician's truck:
> "Let us remove your shorts."
> **************************
>
> On a Maternity Room door:
>
> "Push. Push. Push."
> **************************
>
> At an Optometrist's Office
>
> "If you don't see what you're looking for, you've
> come to the right
> place."
> **************************
>
> On a Taxidermist's window:
>
> "We really know our stuff."
> **************************
>
> On a Fence:
>
> " Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive."
> **************************
>
>
> At a Car Dealership:
> "The best way to get back on your feet -- miss a
> car payment."
> **************************
>
> Outside a Muffler Shop:
>
> "No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."
> **************************
>
> In a Veterinarian's waiting room:
>
> "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"
> **************************
>
> At the Electric Company:
>
> "We would be delighted if you send in your
> payment.
> However, if you don't, you will be."
> Took me a minute
> to get this one.
> **************************
>
>
> In a Restaurant window:
>
> "Don't stand there and be hungry, Come on in and
> get fed up."
> **************************
>
> In the front yard of a Funeral Home:
>
> "Drive carefully. We'll wait."
>
> **************************
>
> At a Propane Filling Station,
>
> "Thank heaven for little grills."
> **************************
>
> And don't forget the sign at a Chicago Radiator
> Shop:
>
> "Best place in town to take a leak."

WHATS WORSE
 

whats worse than a cardboard box?
Paper Tits!

How many goths does it take to change a light bulb?

Four; first Peter Murphy does it, then Andrew Eldritch does it, then two teenagers sit around arguing over which one of them did it better.

soooo true :rolleyes:

whats a dying brits favourite cereal
cheerios

And in a different version....

Money may not be able to buy happyness, but it sure makes the road to being miserable pretty enjoyable!

'Money can't buy me love' the Beatles sang...
But in Vegas money can rent love for a while

Some worldly advice for men given to me by a friend. (don't shoot me, I'm just the messenger)
Two things you never tell your friends you ride : mopeds and fat chicks.

Very true :lol:

Why are orthopedists the best lovers?

Because when they say it'll take 30 minutes, they really mean three hours ;)

You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on

Drink wet cement - get stoned.

What goes around usually gets dizzy and falls over. :)

http://onnachance.com/funny/drinking.php

Not sure if been said already--


Give a man a match and he'll be warm for a minute.......


set him alight and he'll be warm for the rest of his life!



(I'll get my coat.......)

My two cents:

Q: What do Fat people do in the summertime ?
A: Stink

Q: What's 60 feet long and stinks of piss?
A: A conga in an old peoples home

:shakehead:

Hey guys i'm laughing my ass off to fuck. awesome.

Why do Iraqi sex dolls cost so much?









Because they blow themselves up.

What do you call a masturbating bull?

Beef strokinoff

What doesn't kill me makes me stronger!

...

...

Or turns me into Christopher Reeve.