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whats the difference between a vagina and a penis?
a vagina is inside out |
how many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb?
it dosen't matter, their never going to change anything. |
Why does a seagull only fly over the sea?
cause if it flew over the bay it'd be a bagel |
Whats do walmart and michael jackson have in common?
Both have little boys pants half off.... heeh sorry a bad one but oh so good:) |
A husband and wife are cooing over their new born baby.
"Look at the size of his todger," says the man. "It's massive!" "Yes dear," says the woman. "But at least he's got your ears." |
Two jumper cables walk into a bar. The bartender says, "All right, I'll serve you, but don't start anything!"
edit, spelling |
Why was Hellen Keller such a bad driver?
Because she was a woman! |
What did Helen Keller's mom make her do when she swore?
Wash her hands. |
Did you hear about the dyslexic, atheist, insomniac?
He stayed up all night wondering if there really was a Dog. <budda-bing> |
What did one lesbian vampire say to another after sex?
See you next month :p |
A fish is swimming along and bumps his head.
Dam, he says. |
Well, let me start by saying I'm sorry for these.....
Why isn't there a white history month? They have Presidents Day. Why did god make shopping carts? So woman could walk on there hind legs What do you call a school bus full of white kids? A Twinkie Why do men have that little hole in the end of their dick? So they can get oxygen to their brains. Remember folks, I have a mind like a steel trap. Things wander in and get horrible mangled...... And with that, I will duck and cover now.... |
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What do you tell a woman with two black eyes?
Nothing. You already told her twice. Please don't hate me. I'd never hit a woman. I heard the joke today though and I could not stop laughing. |
How many militant feminists does it take to change a lightbulb?
Two. One to change the light lightbulb, and one to suck my dick. - borrowed from Drew Carey's "Dirty Jokes and Beer" - thought it was witty enough to include - made me laugh, anyway (apologies to all militant feminists or their supporters) |
Awesome thread.
Q: How many cockroaches does it take to change a lightbulb? A: No one will ever know. As soon as you turn the light on, they scatter. |
Q. What did the distressed dyslexic rabbi say?
A. Yo. |
Did you hear about the two satillites that got married?
There wasnt much of a ceremony but the reception was great |
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Re: One liners thread!!!
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Went in a totally different direction than I would have thought; nice. :) |
Two birds sitting on a perch.
One says to the other "smells of fish"!!!! |
How do you know a stoner crashed at your house?
He's still there. |
Why do brides wear white?
So the dishwasher matches the fridge and the stove. |
what do you find inside a clean nose?
fingerprints. |
Q: How does a man take a bubble bath?
A: He eats beans for dinner. |
Clyde walks into the doctors office and sticks out his nine-inch tongue.
The nurse goes, "Ahhhhh..." |
How long does it take an english woman to have a shit?
About nine months. |
Hear about the blind seamstress?
She couldn't mend straight. (post menopausal joke...sorry) |
What's the difference between a carp and a lawer?
One's a scum sucking bottom feeder. The other is a fish. A man walks into a bar with crocodile on a leash. He asks the barkeep if they serve lawers, and the bartender say they most certainly do. So the guy orders a beer for himself, and a lawer for the croc. |
why is beer better than women??
beer is ALWAYS wet !! |
A proctologist needs to write something down and pulls out an anal thermometer, and says “Damn it!!! Some asshole has my pen.”
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He told us this little anecdote (I know its not a one-liner but what the hell)... Him: "ummmmm Dad, I'm gay." *Pause* Dad: "That's okay son, I still love you. Let's go watch the baseball game." Next year... Him: "ummmmm Dad, I'm a republican." *Pause* ...and then he went on to say that his dad has been in therapy ever since. :lol: |
Q: What did one tampon say to the other tampon?
A: Nothing, they were both stuck up bitches. |
Did ya hear about the dyslexic Devil worshipper?
He sold his soul to Santa |
-=shikamaru=- - Glad you got it. I hope you're not the only one. Funny story about the guy coming to your school
Huang_Gai - So wrong and yet so funny. I've been getting a lot of milage out of that one. This is my favorite thread!!!! |
Crikey.. this thread just keeps getting better, well longer anyways.
Why is the area between a womans breasts and her hips called a waist? 'Cause you could fit another pair of breasts in there.... and whats the definition of an drunken Italian jet fighter pilot breaking the sound barrier? "Hi, tiddly Eyetie, boom,boom. |
Q. Why did the cat cross the road.
A. Because it was stapled to the chicken |
How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two. But I've got no idea how they got in there. |
so a polack, a rabbi, a lesbian, a horse & 2 monkeys walk into a bar.
the bartender says, "what is this, some kinda joke?" |
A Flasher is walking in a park and sees two old women and exposes himself
one has a stroke the other can't reach it |
here's a couple I haven't seen yet:
Why did Raggety Ann get kicked out of the playhouse? She kept sitting on Pinnochio's face and saying "Tell me lies!" Why did the redneck cross the road: His dick was stuck in the chicken. Why do blondes like convertibles? More leg room. Why do blondes like tilt steering? More head room. Why do blonded wear panties? To keep their ankles warm. more to come as I think of them... |
What is the difference between a pregnant lady and a lightbulb?
You can unscrew a lightbulb. |
This is the best thread ever!
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good thread.
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*Had a good one till I saw the ban on Michel Jackson jokes, Just got here don't need to be banned strait right away*
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One time I had a dream I ate a giant marshmallow and when I woke up my pillow was gone.
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Did you know that Lewis and Clark made all the way from the Missisippi river to the Pacific ocean on just one "Sacajawea"?
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Thanks, I needed that................LOL |
Q: What was Moby Dick's father's name?
A: Papa Boner. Q: How is a blonde and a pitcher different? A: A blonde doesn't mind when you charge the mound. Q: What's better than seeing a woman wrestle? A: Seeing her box. Q: Have you heard about the new radio station in town? A: It's called WPMS... every month they give you three weeks of the blues and then one week of rag time. Q: Did you hear about the new high school course? A: Intercourse ... you go between periods and you are expected to come. Q: How do you cancel an appointment at the sperm bank? A: Easy...You call them up and tell them you can't come. Q: Why won't cannibals eat divorced women? A: They're always bitter. Q: What should you do if an elephant comes in your window? A: Learn to swim. Q: What's worse than having your doctor tell you that you have VD? A: Having your dentist confirm it. Q: Why does Miss Piggy douche with Honey? A: Because Kermit likes sweet and sour pork. Q: What's the difference between a Harley and a Hoover? A: The position of the dirt bag. Q: Have you heard the slogan for the Stealth Condom? A: "They'll never see you coming." Q: What's meaner than a pit bull with AIDS? A: The guy that gave it to him. Q. What do a farmer and a pimp have in common? A. Both need a hoe to stay in business. Q: How do women get minks? A: The same way minks get minks. Q: What do you call a 1000 pound woman on a bar stool with a new condom? A: 1/2 ton pickup with good rubber. Q: Did you hear about the girl who went on a fishing trip with 6 guys? A: She came back with a red snapper. Q: What do you call a female turtle? A: A Clitortous. Q: What's better than screwing two eighteen year old girls at once? A: Not a damn thing! |
Here is my paltry contribution:
~~~ Why did the Buddha refuse Novocain during his root canal? He wanted to transcend dental medication. Why can't the Buddha vacuum his couch? Because he has no attachments. How many Kennedy's does it take to change a light bulb? Two: one to hold the light bulb and one to drink until the rooms starts spinning. How many psychologists does it take to change a light bulb? One, but the light bulb has to want to change. ~~~ DB. |
Q. Why did the cowboy buy a dachshund??
A. He wanted to "git a long little doggie." |
I apologize if these are repeats.
-------------- Q: Why did the monkey fall out of the tree? A: Because he was dead -------------- Two muffins are sitting in an oven. One muffin says, "Maaaan, it's hot in here!" The other says, "Oh my God, a talking muffin!" |
What did the leper say to the prostitute?
Keep the tip. |
Not meant to offend, of course.
Q: Why do all blacks have nightmares? A: Because the last one who had a dream got shot. |
what is green and smells like red paint?
green paint |
i read through the first page, saw how many more pages there were and just gasped for a second literally outloud ..
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what did 50 cent say to his grandma when she made him a sweater?
Gee, you knit |
Q: How can you tell if you're at an all-gay picnic???
A: All the hot dogs are brown. |
Why was the Blonde's belly button always bruised?
Her boyfriend was blonde too. |
How can you tell if a girl from alabama is a virgin?
Ask if she can run faster than her brothers. |
The proctologist reaches into his pocket, pulls out a rectal thermometer, and says, "Damn, some asshole's got my pen!"
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Q: What's the difference between oral sex and anal sex?
A: Oral sex makes your day, anal sex makes your whole week (hole weak). ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Q: How can you tell if your wife is dead? A: The sex is the same but the dishes pile up. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Q: How can you tell if your husband is dead? A: The sex is the same, but you get the remote. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Q: Why are men like laxatives? A: They irritate the shit out of you. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Q: What do you call the inanimate tissue around a vagina? A: A woman. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Q: Why do some people take an instant aversion to banjo players? A: It saves time in the long run. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Q: If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what have you done wrong? A: Made her chain too long. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Q: Why don't Baptists make love standing up? A: Because it might lead to dancing. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Q: What have men and floor tiles got in common? A: If you lay them properly, you can walk on them for the rest of your life! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Q: What's the difference between a blimp and a thousand used condoms? A: One's a Goodyear, the other's a damn good year! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Q: Why is a pap smear called a pap smear? A: Cos women wouldn't do them if they were called cunt scrapes. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Q: What do an anniversary and a toilet have in common? A: Men always miss them. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Q: If a tennis player gets tennis elbow, what does a gynecologist get? A: Tunnel vision. Sorry if some are repeats. Glad |
It might surprise you to know that only three Lawyer jokes actually exist. The rest are true stories.
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What do you get when you cross a rooster with a rock?
A hard cock |
Ever hear about the poor girl that was born with her breasts on her back? She wasn't much to look at, but was great to dance with.
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this is the killer man....
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Q: Why did the baker have brown hands?
A: Because he kneaded a poo! Q: What do you call a paedophile pirate? A: Rrrrrrrrr... Kelly! Q: What's brown and sticky? A: A stick. |
You know what's the good thing about fucking twenty five years olds?
There were twenty of them! |
Its a little known fact that 99% of the lawyers in the world give the rest of them a bad name.
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2 good ones..
What does Snoop Dog use an umbrella for?
Fo' drizzle Why do Hippies wear patchouli? So even blind people can hate them Both of these where in my college newspaper.. so while a little bias or mean.. they are still appropriate I think. |
Why did god invent the yeast infection?
So women know what its like to live with a miserable cunt also |
What do you get when you cross an elephant and a kangaroo?
Potholes all over Australia. Yea, I know, Groan!! |
Long thread = Praying it's not a repost.
What's the difference between a bonus and a penis? Your wife will blow your bonus. |
It's two, two, yes two jokes in one!
A Buddhist monk walks up to a hotdog vendor and asks, "Can you make me one with everything?" .............................. He hands the vendor $20 and asks for his change. The vendor replies, "Change must come from within." |
what's the difference between Iraq and Vietnam?
George Bush had a plan for getting out of vietnam. |
Q: How many political operatives does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Three; one to screw in the lightbulb, and one to confuse the issue. |
What did the drummer get on his SATs?
Drool. A frog and a Trombonist drive past each other. What's the difference between them? The Frog is on it's way to work. |
a pair of jumper cables walks into a bar. the bar tender says "ok, you can drink her, but you better not start anything...."
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lol, wow, a guy could get lost here, my sides and face hurt from laughing so much...too bad i don't have any of my own to add.
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Here's one, it's not a one liner though.
A blonde chick comes home to find her boyfriend cheating on her. She screams, "I can't believe you would do this to me" and puts a gun to her head. Her boyfriend yells, "Honey, why are you going to kill yourself". The blonde replies, "Don't worry, you're next buddy". |
Lots of good ones
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Oh, we miss you badly Rodney but your humor will live on for generations to come.
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Why don't Sicilains like Jehovah's Witnesses?
Because they don't like any kind of witnesses |
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HAHAHAHA! |
i know it was a LOOOOOOng time ago... but i really liked #12.
i'm only skimming the 13 pages... but these are really great. |
Q: Whats red and bad for your teeth?
A: A brick Q: What do you call a broken boomerang? A: A stick. Q: What's green, fuzzy, has four legs, and if it fell from a tree it would kill you? A: Pool table. And a couple jokes for good measure Three mice are sitting at a bar in a pretty rough neighborhood late at night, trying to impress each other about how tough they are. The first mouse throws down a shot of bourbon, slams the empty glass onto the bar, turns to the second mouse and says, "When I see a mousetrap, I lie on my back and set it off with my foot. When the bar comes down, I catch it in my teeth, bench press it twenty times to work up an appetite, and then make off with the cheese." The second mouse orders up two shots of tequila, drinks them down one after the other, slams both glasses onto the bar, turns to the first mouse and replies, "Oh yeah? When I see rat poison, I collect as much as I can, take it home, grind it up to a powder, and add it to my coffee each morning so I can get a good buzz going for the rest of the day." The first mouse and the second mouse then turn to the third mouse. The third mouse finishes the beer he has in front of him, lets out a long sigh and says to the first two, "I don't have time for this bullshit. Gotta go home and have sex with the cat." St.Peter and the Pearly Gates.. It got crowded in heaven, so, for one day it was decided only to accept people who had really had a bad day on the day they died. St. Peter was standing at the pearly gates and said to the first man, "Tell me about the day you died." The man said, "Oh, it was awful. I was sure my wife was having an affair, so I came home early to catch her with him. I searched all over the apartment but couldn't find him anywhere. So I went out onto the balcony, we live on the 25th floor, and found this man hanging over the edge by his fingertips. I went inside, got a hammer, and started hitting his hands. He fell, but landed in some bushes. So, I got the refrigerator and pushed it over the balcony and it crushed him. The strain of the act gave me a heart attack, and I died." St. Peter couldn't deny that this was a pretty bad day, and since it was a crime of passion, he let the man in. He then asked the next man in line about the day he died. "Well, sir, it was awful," said the second man. "I was doing aerobics on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment when I twisted my ankle and slipped over the edge. I managed to grab the balcony of the apartment below, but some maniac came out and started pounding on my fingers with a hammer. Luckily I landed in some bushes. But, then the guy dropped a refrigerator on me!" St. Peter chuckled, let him into heaven and decided he could really start to enjoy this job. "Tell me about the day you died?", he said to the third man in line. "OK, picture this, I'm naked, hiding inside a refrigerator...." |
Q: what do you have if you've got a green ball in your left hand and a green ball in your right hand?
A: complete control of Kermit the Frog |
I'm blind, someone told this joke already!
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One day a young man gets nervous about his upcoming marriage, and asks his father.. " dad.. how do I know if the girl I'm seeing is really a virgin like she said she is?"
To which his father replies " son, theres a simple test to can do to find out.. and all you need is a can of green paint, a can of red paint and a shovel." The son waits for his father to continue " well heres what you do.. you paint one testicle green and the other red and if she says " those are the funniest testicles I've ever seen" you hit her with the shovel" |
-Dad, what's a blowhole for?
-Well I'll tell you what it's not for, and then you will understand why I can never go back to Seaworld. |
Geek Joke
Why can't computer scientists tell the difference between Christmas and Halloween?
Because Oct. 31 = Dec. 25 |
Never insult people named Terry, because "dissin" Terry is no fun for anyone
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how do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
--she starts her sentence off with "a man once said" |
There was a sparrow that flew north and as it flew, it froze and fell to the ground. Well, as it was laying there freezing to death a cow comes along and poops on the sparrow. Well, the poop being warm thaws out the sparrow. Naturally the sparrow is quite happy about being warm and alive so it starts to sing. Along comes a cat and it brushes off the poop off of the sparrow and then continues to eat it.
Moral of the Story: When someone poops on you, it's not always a bad thing When someone gets you out of the crap you're in, they're not always being a friend Last of all, when you are warm and happy just keep your big mouth shut! |
One day a man comes home from work and catches his wife having sex with another man. He restrains the main and birngs him into a shed. He places the mans penis in a vice and removes the lever. He then proceeds to take out a hacksaw, gasoline, and matches. He lays the hacksaw on the table as the man asks "Are you going to cut my dick off?" as the husband drenches the shed in gasoline. "No" the husband replies as he sets off the gasoline. "You are."
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If you lined up all the cigarettes America smokes in one day end to end around the equator, all those third world countries would be really pissed off at us.
-Mikey |
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I'm such a geek.... |
Q: WHAT DO YOU CALL A TEXAS CINDERELLA?
A: A GIRL THAT WILL GIVE YOU HEAD UNTIL MIDNIGHT AND THEN TURN INTO A CHICKEN FRIED STEAK. |
Q: Why does Snoop Dog carry an umbrella?
A: Fo Drizzle Asta!! |
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