Q: What do you call a dog with two legs?
A: Scooter

Okay, maybe not technically one liners. And not mine. But seem to fit here...

"Going to a strip club is like going to a restaurant where I can't eat the food. They just bring by big plates of steamed vegetables and beef, and go, Hey! Don't touch that!" -- Tim Allen, Don't Stand Too Close To a Naked Man

"Last year I entered the LA marathon. I finished last. It was embarrassing.
And the guy who was in front of me, second to last, was making fun of me.
He said, "Hey, Gerry, how does it feel to be last?" I said, "You want to
know?" So I dropped out." -- Gerry Bednob

How many Aquarians does it take to change a light bulb?
Like, why don't you just get out of my face and stop asking me to do all your work for you? I'm, like, really totally sick and tired of you asking me questions.

How many tenors does it take to change a light bulb?
Three - One to do it and two to stand there and tell each other how they could have done it better.
-----
Wow... Reading your minds here. These are lame!

And I repeat: not mine!
-----
"There is more room in your head for thoughts than thoughts in your head for room." ~ Runner up in the "This is your new sig" contest...

Ummm....i don't get it.

The Irish air disaster is the best I've heard. Brilliant!!

three tampons walk down the street, how many would stop and wave to you?



................



none they are all stuck up c***s

Some one liners
 

And, no, I didn't search the thread to see if these were here before.
__________

DID YOU HEAR THE ONE ABOUT...

...the convict who had an allergy? He broke out.

...the mime who went shopping? He only bought unmentionables.

...the knife-sharpener who quit his job? He couldn't stand the daily grind.

...the 400-pound cartoonist? He was overdrawn.

...the claustrophobic astronaut? He needed some space.

How do you keep an asshole in suspence......

Personal fav that's clean cut for all ages.

Steak and eggs walk into a bar.


Bartender looks at them and says "Sorry, we don't serve breakfast."

What comes between fear and sex?

Funf.

What's green, slimy, and smells like ham?

Kermit's finger.

You hear about the Gay midget that just came out of the cupboard?

What do you get when you cross a donkey with an onion?

Usually nothing, but one time out of ten you get a piece of ass that brings tears to your eyes.

I went to Taco Bell today. I don't really like the food, but it was the only place I could get gas for a dollar.

Q. and A.'s
 

Q. What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball?
A. A guy will actually search for a golf ball.

Q. What is the difference between a drug dealer and a hooker?
A. A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.

Q. What's the height of conceit?
A. Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.

Q. What's the definition of macho?
A. Jogging home from your vasectomy.

Q. Do you know how Montana cowboys practice safe sex?
A. They spray paint X's on the back of the sheep that kick.


Q. What is a Yankee?
A. The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

Q. What do Tupperware and a walrus have in common?
A. They both like a tight seal.

Q. What do a Christmas tree and priest have in common?
A. Their balls are just for decoration.

Q. What is the difference between "ooooooh" and "aaaaaaah"?
A. About three inches.

Q. What's the difference between purple and pink?
A. The grip.

Q. How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony?
A. It's not hard.

Q. How do you circumcise a hillbilly?
A. Kick his sister in the jaw.

Q. What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
A. 5 minutes.

Q. Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
A. breasts don't have eyes.

Q. If the dove is the bird of peace, what is the bird of true love?
A. The swallow.

Q. What is the difference between medium and rare?
A. Six inches is medium, eight inches is rare .

Q. Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning?
A. They don't have balls to scratch

All this pollen is killing me, You can see the green clouds of it floating in the air.
pollen is just tree sperm...
I feel like mother nature just gave me a facial.

He carried a bullet in his breast pocket. Someone threw a Bible at him and the bullet saved his life.

Give credit where credit is due. That's Woody Allen from his stand up days in the mid 60's.

To paraphrase the story as he told it: "Years ago, my mother ... gave me ... a bullet. I carried it around in my left breast pocket. One day I was walking down the street and a berserk evangelist hurled a bible out a second story window striking me in the chestal area. That bible would have gone through my heart if it wasn't for that bullet."

The quote gestapo caught me red handed.

Here is another, all mine, I swear *ClintonThumb up*


I believe Dr. Kevorkian is on to something. Suicide is our way of saying to God, "You can't fire me. I quit!"

So a dyslexic man walks into a bra...

Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them,
"I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the
convent."
"Thank goodness," said an elderly nun at the back. "I'm so tired of
chardonnay."

What do you call a girl with a tile on her head?

Ruth.



What do you call a man swimmin the English channel with no arms,no legs and no body?

A Smartass.

Two peanuts are walking down the street ...

... one was a-salted.

Whats black and white and goes 'oo'?


A cow with no lips.

Sign over a Gynecologist's Office:
> "Dr. Jones, at your cervix."
> ************************** ****
>
>
> In a Podiatrist's office:
>
> "Time wounds all heels."
> **************************
>
>
> On a Septic Tank Truck in Oregon :
> "Yesterday's Meals on Wheels"
>
> **************************
>
> At a Proctologist's door:
>
> "To expedite your visit please back in."
> **************************
>
>
> On a Plumber's truck:
>
> "Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."
> **************************
>
>
> At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee :
>
> "Invite us to your next blowout."
> ************** ************
>
> At a Towing company:
>
> "We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."
> *************** ***********
>
> On an Electrician's truck:
> "Let us remove your shorts."
> **************************
>
> On a Maternity Room door:
>
> "Push. Push. Push."
> **************************
>
> At an Optometrist's Office
>
> "If you don't see what you're looking for, you've
> come to the right
> place."
> **************************
>
> On a Taxidermist's window:
>
> "We really know our stuff."
> **************************
>
> On a Fence:
>
> " Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive."
> **************************
>
>
> At a Car Dealership:
> "The best way to get back on your feet -- miss a
> car payment."
> **************************
>
> Outside a Muffler Shop:
>
> "No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."
> **************************
>
> In a Veterinarian's waiting room:
>
> "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"
> **************************
>
> At the Electric Company:
>
> "We would be delighted if you send in your
> payment.
> However, if you don't, you will be."
> Took me a minute
> to get this one.
> **************************
>
>
> In a Restaurant window:
>
> "Don't stand there and be hungry, Come on in and
> get fed up."
> **************************
>
> In the front yard of a Funeral Home:
>
> "Drive carefully. We'll wait."
>
> **************************
>
> At a Propane Filling Station,
>
> "Thank heaven for little grills."
> **************************
>
> And don't forget the sign at a Chicago Radiator
> Shop:
>
> "Best place in town to take a leak."

WHATS WORSE
 

whats worse than a cardboard box?
Paper Tits!

How many goths does it take to change a light bulb?

Four; first Peter Murphy does it, then Andrew Eldritch does it, then two teenagers sit around arguing over which one of them did it better.

soooo true :rolleyes:

whats a dying brits favourite cereal
cheerios

And in a different version....

Money may not be able to buy happyness, but it sure makes the road to being miserable pretty enjoyable!

'Money can't buy me love' the Beatles sang...
But in Vegas money can rent love for a while

Some worldly advice for men given to me by a friend. (don't shoot me, I'm just the messenger)
Two things you never tell your friends you ride : mopeds and fat chicks.

Very true :lol:

Why are orthopedists the best lovers?

Because when they say it'll take 30 minutes, they really mean three hours ;)

You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on

Drink wet cement - get stoned.

What goes around usually gets dizzy and falls over. :)

http://onnachance.com/funny/drinking.php

Not sure if been said already--


Give a man a match and he'll be warm for a minute.......


set him alight and he'll be warm for the rest of his life!



(I'll get my coat.......)

My two cents:

Q: What do Fat people do in the summertime ?
A: Stink

Q: What's 60 feet long and stinks of piss?
A: A conga in an old peoples home

:shakehead:

Hey guys i'm laughing my ass off to fuck. awesome.

Why do Iraqi sex dolls cost so much?









Because they blow themselves up.

What do you call a masturbating bull?

Beef strokinoff

What doesn't kill me makes me stronger!

...

...

Or turns me into Christopher Reeve.