maleficent

(or, "How To Be Less Of An Inconsiderate, Blithering Idiot While Traveling")

1. Learn some elementary physics: That bag will NOT fit into the overhead compartment.

2. Try to be smarter about seating: If you have poor bladder control, then perhaps a window seat isn't a good choice for you.

3. Stewardesses do not have ESP: Learn the proper use of the CALL button.

4. Newspapers: wide; seats: narrow. Don't open your newspaper right into my field of view unless you're willing to let me finish reading that column.

5. If you insist on reading my computer screen, then I insist on typing disparaging comments about you.

6. Children travel best in one of two forms: (1) muzzled and heavily sedated; (2) checked baggage.

7. No one cares how much of a frequent flyer you are; unless you're in First Class, shut up, sit down, and buckle in like everyone else.

8. And if you *are* in First Class, then cut the smug routine; we all know you got there on an upgrade.

9. If the seat in front of you is occupied, then learn how to operate a tray table. Specifically, it is not necessary to vibrate the occupant's fillings loose when you open the table, nor is it necessary to knock out his contacts when stowing the table.

10. Your butt is bigger than you think; watch where you point it.

11. I don't care how they do things in your home state or country, but here in the civilized world, we try to bathe at least once within the week prior to air travel. This helps to prevent accidental deployment of the air bags during flight.

12. If you still decide to *not* bathe prior to air travel, then at least try to leave SOME of that cheap perfume in the bottle, okay?

13. Your briefcase goes under the seat in *front* of you, not the seat directly *beneath* you. MY LEGS go under the seat beneath you. If you INSIST on providing comfortable leg room for yourself by sliding your briefcase into the space where my feet were resting, then expect to retrieve said briefcase with a NEW lock combination.(*) And yes, it will be locked, so be sure to keep the boarding pass for your connecting flight on *you*, and not in your briefcase.

14. Flying is like camping: Whether in your bags, in your stomach, or on your person, you should leave with the same amount of stuff you started with.

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Siege

That is genius

Poor bastard won't know what hit 'im!

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"Your name's Geek? Do you know the origin of the term? A geek is someone who bites the heads off chickens at a circus. I would never let you suck my dick with a name like Geek"

--Kevin Smith

This part just makes my posts easier to find

Nimetic

And - after flying for a few hours... hurrying to get out before everyone else will not get you to your destination significantly earlier. This is particularly true if you have luggage to collect.

maleficent

This one was my personal favorite - I have always held the belief that there should be an eject button for people who do that - especially little kids who do that...

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Charlatan

I am pretty calm traveller.

There are only three things that really bug me.

1) People who smell. Inexcusable. Oh, and don't drip sweat on me.
2) Don't poke your bony-ass knees into my back when you are sitting behind me.
3) Like #2 suggests choose you seat wisely. I sit on an aisle so I can stretch my legs and get up to go to the bathroom. If you have to get up ever couple of minutes, forego the view, sit in the aisle.

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"My hands are on fire. Hands are on fire. Ain't got no more time for all you charlatans and liars."
- Old Man Luedecke

micah67

I'd add:
Check behind you before dropping your seat back into the recline position.
(Sometimes I'm leaning forward reading my book - having your seat slam into my head just makes me want to poke my knees into the back of your seat. I'll wait until you're asleep, first. And I'll do it often.)

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~micah

AngelicVampire

A flying instructor noted to one of his students that "the first rule of flying a plane is to stay in the middle of the sky, when you approachthe edges things start to get hairy as other objects appear like land, sea and planes... no one ever crashed while in the middle of the sky."

Scorps

ROFL, I hate flying some of those are why.

Sion

flying rule number one: take-offs are optional...landings are not.

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He's the best, of course, of all the worst.
Some wrong been done, he done it first. -fz

I jus' want ta thank you...falettinme...be mice elf...agin...

The_Jazz

I'll add one too - when taking the redeye anywhere, do not bring along cellophane-wrapped candy. It's bad enough that you make you row-mates put up with your incessent smacking and sucking, but its been scientifically proven that there's no quiet way to unwrap one of those things.

Yeah, I'm talking to you, Mr. Seat 5D on the Las Vegas - Chicago flight last week. You know who you are.

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"There ought to be limits to freedom." - George W. Bush
"We have met the enemy and he is us." - Pogo