Diary of a Paranoid Cat - Tilted Forum Project Discussion Community

Nancy · 04-12-2006, 01:14 AM

Monday
My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the satisfaction from ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant.

Tuesday
Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded; must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to throw up on their favourite chair....must try this on their bed.

Wednesday
Slept all day so that I could annoy my captors with sleep depriving, incessant pleas for food at ungodly hours of the night.

Thursday
Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in an attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was....Hmm. Not working according to plan.....

Friday
I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good reason I was chosen for the water torture. This time however it included a burning, foamy chemical called "shampoo". What sick minds could invent such a liquid. My only consolation is the piece of thumb still stuck between my teeth.

Saturday
There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary confinement throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the foul odour of the glass tubes they call "beer". More importantly, I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of "allergies". Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.

Sunday
I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The bird on the other hand has got to be an informant. He has mastered their frightful tongue (something akin to molespeak) and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room his safety is assured. But I can wait; it is only a matter of time.

leftyderek · 04-12-2006, 10:41 PM

I like it.
Would be great if it could be expanded into a whole book of adventures, in a cat's eyes, don't you think so?

j0hnb · 04-13-2006, 04:52 AM

Loved it. Thanks

frogza · 04-13-2006, 07:34 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by leftyderek

I like it.
Would be great if it could be expanded into a whole book of adventures, in a cat's eyes, don't you think so?

I'd buy a copy

muckluck · 04-14-2006, 07:26 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by leftyderek

I like it.
Would be great if it could be expanded into a whole book of adventures, in a cat's eyes, don't you think so?

That would make an awesome book. Happen to be a good writer?

leftyderek · 04-15-2006, 06:35 PM

Me? Not really... and English isnt really my first language anyway- I won't be good enough to write a whole book. I might write a play on that some day though, but won't it become a musicless version of Cats then? :P

lilfle · 04-17-2006, 09:01 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by frogza

I'd buy a copy

me too, that was great, i can just imagine my cat thinking things like that

newtx · 04-17-2006, 09:46 AM

Good stuff. I like a little cat humor. I'm pretty sure our cat thinks much worse stuff than that. I had always hated cats until the first one adopted me.

04-12-2006, 01:14 AM	#1 (permalink)
Nancy Femme Fatale Location: Elysium	Diary of a Paranoid Cat Monday My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the satisfaction from ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant. Tuesday Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded; must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to throw up on their favourite chair....must try this on their bed. Wednesday Slept all day so that I could annoy my captors with sleep depriving, incessant pleas for food at ungodly hours of the night. Thursday Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in an attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was....Hmm. Not working according to plan..... Friday I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good reason I was chosen for the water torture. This time however it included a burning, foamy chemical called "shampoo". What sick minds could invent such a liquid. My only consolation is the piece of thumb still stuck between my teeth. Saturday There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary confinement throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the foul odour of the glass tubes they call "beer". More importantly, I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of "allergies". Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage. Sunday I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The bird on the other hand has got to be an informant. He has mastered their frightful tongue (something akin to molespeak) and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room his safety is assured. But I can wait; it is only a matter of time. __________________ I have all the characteristics of a human being: blood, flesh, skin, hair; but not a single, clear, identifiable emotion, except for greed and disgust. Something horrible is happening inside of me and I don't know why. My nightly bloodlust has overflown into my days. I feel lethal, on the verge of frenzy. I think my mask of sanity is about to slip.

04-12-2006, 10:41 PM	#2 (permalink)
leftyderek Crazy Location: Currently Canada. I have been in Norway in the last two years, and in Hong Kong before Norway.	I like it. Would be great if it could be expanded into a whole book of adventures, in a cat's eyes, don't you think so? __________________ -Imagine how beautiful the world would be if we could only do things for the first-and-last time. Imagine this is the last time you would ever be able to imagine. Imagine that. -Die Lust der Zerstörung ist gleichzeitig eine schaffende Lust. -...and god said Lx1,go! and there was light...

04-15-2006, 06:35 PM	#6 (permalink)
leftyderek Crazy Location: Currently Canada. I have been in Norway in the last two years, and in Hong Kong before Norway.	Me? Not really... and English isnt really my first language anyway- I won't be good enough to write a whole book. I might write a play on that some day though, but won't it become a musicless version of Cats then? :P __________________ -Imagine how beautiful the world would be if we could only do things for the first-and-last time. Imagine this is the last time you would ever be able to imagine. Imagine that. -Die Lust der Zerstörung ist gleichzeitig eine schaffende Lust. -...and god said Lx1,go! and there was light...

04-13-2006, 04:52 AM	#3 (permalink)
j0hnb Crazy Location: Arnold, MD	Loved it. Thanks

04-17-2006, 09:46 AM	#8 (permalink)
newtx Addict	Good stuff. I like a little cat humor. I'm pretty sure our cat thinks much worse stuff than that. I had always hated cats until the first one adopted me.