bobby

Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door. "Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya." "Of course you can come in. You're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?" "That's what I'm here to be tellin' ya, Brenda. There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery." "Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me..." "I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry." Finally, she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim?" "It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and drowned." Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?" "Well, no Brenda, no." "No?" "Fact is, he got out three times to pee."

xoxoxoo

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"Life goes on,within you,and...with out you !" xoxoxoo

ShaniFaye

ahahaha funny

here is my contribution

two men were sitting next to each other at a bar.
After a while, one guy looks at the other and says, "I can't help but
think, from listening to you, that you're from Ireland "
The other guy responds proudly,
"Yes, that I am!"

The first guy says, "So am I!
And where about from Ireland might you be?"

The other guy answers,
"I'm from Dublin , I am."

The first guy responds,
"Sure and begora, and so am I! And what street did you live on in Dublin ?"

The other guy says,
"A lovely little area it was, I lived on McCleary Street in the old central
part of town."

The first guy says,
"Faith & it's a small world, so did I! So did I!!
And to what school would you have been going?"

The other guy answers,
"Well now, I went to St. Mary's of course."

The firs t guy get s really excited and says,
"And so did I. Tell me, what year did you graduate?"

The other guy answers,
"Well, now, let's see, I graduated in 1964."

The first guy exclaims,
"The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us!
I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same bar tonight.
Can you believe it, I graduated from St. Mary's in 1964 my own self."

About this time, Vicky walks into the bar, sits down, and orders a beer.

Brian, the bartender, walks over to Vicky, shaking his head & mutters,
"It's going to be a long night tonight!!!!"

Vicky asks,
"Why do you say that, Brian?"

"The Murphy twins are drunk again

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I want the diabetic plan that comes with rollover carbs. I dont like the unused one expiring at midnite!!

Martian

Right, Irish jokes. I may have gotten this one here, I have trouble keeping track of sources.

One day, a young man walks into a Canadian bar. In an irish accent, he orders three beers. He sits himself in a booth and sets out the three beers as if he's waiting for some friends. Then, to the bartender's surprise, he drinks all three. Then he gets up and leaves.

This goes on for a few weeks, with the young man coming in every Friday night, drinking his three beers and leaving. Finally the bartender's curiosity gets the best of him.

'You've been coming here for a little over a month,' he says, 'and you always order three beers. What's going on?'

The young Irish man explains; 'back home, me and ma two brothers, we always went down to the pub on Friday night for a beer. Now I've moved to Canada, but we still keep up the tradition. Back in Ireland, they go out and have a beer for me and here I have two for them.'

The old bartender is touched by the brother's dedication to his family and, as he's always polite and never causes any trouble, he lets it go on. This occurs for several months without incident.

Then one Friday, the young man comes into the bar looking especially haggard. Instead of his usual three beers, he orders two. The bartender immediately assumes the worst.

'I'm sorry about your brother,' he says.

The young man looks puzzled, then seems to catch on.

'Oh, it's not what you think. I quit drinkin'.'

__________________
I wake up in the morning more tired than before I slept
I get through cryin' and I'm sadder than before I wept
I get through thinkin' now, and the thoughts have left my head
I get through speakin' and I can't remember, not a word that I said

- Ben Harper, Show Me A Little Shame

JustJess

Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door. "Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya." "Of course you can come in. You're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?" "That's what I'm here to be tellin' ya, Brenda. There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery." "Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me..." "I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry." Finally, she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim?" "It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and drowned." Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?" "Well, no Brenda, no." "No?" "Fact is, he got out three times to pee."

One day an Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman walked into a pub together. They each bought a pint of Guinness. Just as they were about to enjoy their creamy beverage, three flies landed in each of their pints, and were stuck in the thick head. The Englishman pushed his beer away in disgust. The Scotsman fished the fly out of his beer, and continued drinking it, as if nothing had happened. The Irishman, too, picked the fly out of his drink, held it out over the beer, and started yelling, "SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT YOU BASTARD!!!!"

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My heart knows me better than I know myself, so I'm gonna let it do all the talkin'.

Charlatan

A drunk leaves a bar and decides to take a shortcut through a
graveyard. It is raining heavily and very dark. The drunk
fails to see an open grave and falls into it. He tries to
climb out of it, but it is too deep and the rain has turned
the dirt to mud and has made it too slippery to climb. He
gives up after a while and decides to spend the night there.

A while later, another drunk leaves the same bar and decides
to take the same shortcut through the graveyard. He, too,
falls into that open grave and tries to climb out but the
mud is too slippery. The first drunk is still sitting there
and watches as the other drunk tries but fails to get out.

The first drunk stands up, taps the second drunk on the shoulder
and tells him, "You'll never get out!".

He did.

__________________
"My hands are on fire. Hands are on fire. Ain't got no more time for all you charlatans and liars."
- Old Man Luedecke

bobby

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xoxoxoo

__________________
"Life goes on,within you,and...with out you !" xoxoxoo

Kadath

Yeah, I'm with Bobby. What the hell is that joke about, Charlatan?

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it's quiet in here

Vizzini

Oh man I remember my dad always watching Dave Allen. That was some funny shit.

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Inconceivable!

ShaniFaye

I may be completely wrong but I think in Charlatans joke, the 2nd drunk was so spooked by another person being in the grave he jumped straight out of it lol

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I want the diabetic plan that comes with rollover carbs. I dont like the unused one expiring at midnite!!

Charlatan

The joke is self-explanitory. Shani has it right. The picture is of the greatest Irish Comedian ever... Dave Allan.

His trademark delivery was sitting in a chair, drinking whiskey and smoking a cigarette... he died a year ago.

__________________
"My hands are on fire. Hands are on fire. Ain't got no more time for all you charlatans and liars."
- Old Man Luedecke

Kadath

Maybe it's in the delivery; if a comedian were telling it live, he could indicate with facial expressions or movements what had happened.

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it's quiet in here

Vizzini

Dave Allan always told his jokes with a dead-pan expression on his face. Now the timing of the the telling of the joke; that's the key.

Maybe because I remember watching his show but I got his joke right away, and found it hilarious

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Inconceivable!