Nancy

Top Ten Chuck Norris Facts

1. Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried. Ever.

2. Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

3. Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

4. The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.

5. Chuck Norris doesn't actually write books, the words assemble themselves out of fear.

6. Chuck Norris has counted to infinity. Twice.

7. When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.

8. Chuck Norris' blood type is AK+. Ass-Kicking Positive. It is compatible only with heavy construction equipment, tanks, and fighter jets.

9. Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry, the man ate a fucking Indian.

10. In fine print on the last page of the Guinness Book of World Records it notes that all world records are held by Chuck Norris, and those listed in the book are simply the closest anyone else has ever gotten.

11. There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist.


Additional Chuck Norris Facts

* If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds 'til." After you ask, "Two seconds 'til what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face.

* When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes, ever.

* CNN was originally created as the "Chuck Norris Network" to update Americans with on-the-spot ass kicking in real-time.

* Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.

* Chuck Norris doesn't churn butter. He roundhouse kicks the cows and the butter comes straight out.

* Chuck Norris will attain statehood in 2009. His state flower will be the Magnolia.

* Someone once videotaped Chuck Norris getting pissed off. It was called Walker: Texas Chain Saw Massacre.

* Chuck Norris originally appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked bout this "glitch," Norris replied, "That's no glitch."

* Chuck Norris once shot down a German fighter plane with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"

* Contrary to popular belief, America is not a democracy, it is a Chucktatorship.

* Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is based on a true story: Chuck Norris once swallowed a turtle whole, and when he crapped it out, the turtle was six feet tall and had learned karate.

* Time waits for no man. Unless that man is Chuck Norris.

* Chuck Norris discovered a new theory of relativity involving multiple universes in which Chuck Norris is even more badass than in this one. When it was discovered by Albert Einstein and made public, Chuck Norris roundhouse-kicked him in the face. We know Albert Einstein today as Stephen Hawking.

# Pluto is actually an orbiting group of British soldiers from the American Revolution who entered space after the Chuck gave them a roundhouse kick to the face.

# There are no steroids in baseball. Just players Chuck Norris has breathed on.

# Chuck Norris once challenged Lance Armstrong in a "Who has more testicles?" contest. Chuck Norris won by 5.

# Chuck Norris was the fourth wise man, who gave baby Jesus the gift of beard, which he carried with him until he died. The other three wise men were enraged by the preference that Jesus showed to Chuck's gift, and arranged to have him written out of the bible. All three died soon after of mysterious roundhouse-kick related injuries.

# A Chuck Norris-delivered Roundhouse Kick is the preferred method of execution in 16 states.

# When Chuck Norris falls in water, Chuck Norris doesn't get wet. Water gets Chuck Norris.

# Scientists have estimated that the energy given off during the Big Bang is roughly equal to 1CNRhK (Chuck Norris Roundhouse Kick)

# When Chuck Norris has sex with a man, it won't be because he is gay. It will be because he has run out of women.

# How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could Chuck Norris? ...All of it.

# In honor of Chuck Norris, all McDonald's in Texas have an even larger size than the super-size. When ordering, just ask to be "Norrisized".

# A picture is worth a thousand words. A Chuck Norris is worth 1 billion words.

# Chuck Norris invented his own type of karate. It's called Chuck-Will-Kill.

# While urinating, Chuck Norris is easily capable of welding titanium.

# There is in fact an “I” in Norris, but there is no “team”… not even close.

# An anagram for Walker Texas Ranger is KARATE WRANGLER SEX. I don't know what that is, but it sounds AWESOME.

# Chuck Norris doesn't stub his toes. He accidentally destroys chairs, bedframes, and sidewalks.

# Using his trademark roundhouse kick, Chuck Norris once made a fieldgoal in RJ Stadium in Tampa Bay from the 50 yard line of Qualcomm stadium in San Diego.

# Chuck Norris eats beef jerky and craps gunpowder. Then, he uses that gunpowder to make a bullet, which he uses to kill a cow and make more beef jerky. Some people refer to this as the "Circle of Life."

# Science Fact: Roundhouse kicks are comprised primarily of an element called Chucktanium.

# The Sherman tank was originaly called the Norris tank until Chuck Norris decided it wasn't tough enough to be associated with him. The Army, for fear of Chuck Norris, renamed the tank and promised to develop a weapon more fitting of his name. To date, no weapon created has been badass enough to be named after Chuck Norris.

# Chuck Norris proved that we are alone in the universe. We weren't before his first space expedition.

# Superman once watched an episode of Walker, Texas Ranger. He then cried himself to sleep.

# Movie trivia: The movie "Invasion U.S.A." is, in fact, a documentary.

# Along with his black belt, Chuck Norris often chooses to wear brown shoes. No one has DARED call him on it. Ever.

# Anytime someone is elected president in the United States, they must ask permission from Chuck Norris to live in the White House. The reason for this is because Chuck Norris had won every Federal, State, and Local election since 1777. He just allows others to run the country in his place.

# Once you go Norris, you are physically unable to go back.

# Ninjas want to grow up to be just like Chuck Norris. But usually they grow up just to be killed by Chuck Norris.

# Chuck Norris’ favourite cut of meat is the roundhouse.

# When Steven Seagal kills a ninja, he only takes its hide. When Chuck Norris kills a ninja, he uses every part.

# Contrary to popular belief, there is indeed enough Chuck Norris to go around.

# Chuck Norris doesnt shave; he kicks himself in the face. The only thing that can cut Chuck Norris is Chuck Norris.

# In the beginning there was nothing...then Chuck Norris Roundhouse kicked that nothing in the face and said "Get a job". That is the story of the universe.

# Little known medical fact: Chuck Norris invented the Caesarean section when he roundhouse-kicked his way out of his monther's womb.

# Chuck Norris's show is called Walker: Texas Ranger, because Chuck Norris doesn't run.

# What’s known as the UFC, or Ultimate Fighting Championship, doesn’t use its full name, which happens to be “Ultimate Fighting Championship, Non-Chuck-Norris-Division”.

# Chuck Norris began selling the Total Gym as an ill-fated attempt to make his day-to-day opponents less laughably pathetic.

# On the set of Walker Texas Ranger Chuck Norris brought a dying lamb back to life by nuzzling it with his beard. As the onlookers gathered, the lamb sprang to life. Chuck Norris then roundhouse kicked it, killing it instantly. This was just to prove that the good Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away.

# Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse-kick related deaths have increased 13,000 percent.

# Crime does not pay - unless you are an undertaker following Walker, Texas Ranger, on a routine patrol.

# Chuck Norris once kicked a horse in the chin. Its decendants are known today as Giraffes.

# Human cloning is outlawed because if Chuck Norris were cloned, then it would be possible for a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick to meet another Chuck Norris roundhouse kick. Physicists theorize that this contact would end the universe.

# Kryptonite has been found to contain trace elements of Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks to the face. This is why it is so deadly to Superman.

# Saddam Hussein was not found hiding in a "hole." Saddam was roundhouse-kicked in the head by Chuck Norris in Kansas, which sent him through the earth, stopping just short of the surface of Iraq.

# Coroners refer to dead people as "ABC's". Already Been Chucked.

# Chuck Norris doesn't look both ways before he crosses the street... he just roundhouses any cars that get too close.

# How many roundhouse kicks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop? Just one. From Chuck Norris.

# If you rearrange the letters in "Chuck Norris", they also spell "Crush Rock In". The words "with his fists" are understood.

# Chuck Norris used to play baseball. When Babe Ruth was hailed as the better player, Chuck Norris killed him with a baseball bat to the throat. Lou Gehrig got off easy.

# The original title for Star Wars was "Skywalker: Texas Ranger". Starring Chuck Norris.

# Chuck Norris' Roundhouse kick is so powerful, that on the set of Sidekicks he single-footedly destroyed Jonathan Brandis' Career.

# In 1990, Chuck Norris founded the non-profit organization "Kick Drugs Out of America". If the organization's name were "Roundhouse Kick Drugs out of America", there wouldn't be any drugs in the Western Hemisphere. Anywhere.

# Chuck Norris does, in fact, live in a round house.

# Scientifically speaking, it is impossible to charge Chuck Norris with "obstruction of justice." This is because even Chuck Norris cannot be in two places at the same time.

# Chuck Norris can be unlocked on the hardest level of Tekken. But only Chuck Norris is skilled enough to unlock himself. Then he roundhouse kicks the Playstation back to Japan.

# The chemical formula for the highly toxic cyanide ion is CN-. These are also Chuck Norris' initials. This is not a coincidence.

# Aliens DO indeed exist. They just know better than to visit a planet that Chuck Norris is on.

# Chuck Norris is the only person who can simultaneously hold and fire FIVE Uzis: One in each hand, one in each foot -- and the 5th one he roundhouse-kicks into the air, so that it sprays bullets.

# For undercover police work, Chuck Norris pins his badge underneath his shirt, directly into his chest.

# A movie scene depicting Chuck Norris losing a fight with Bruce Lee was the product of history's most expensive visual effect. When adjusted for inflation, the effect cost more than the Gross National Product of Paraguay.

# Chuck Norris is not Irish. His hair is soaked in the blood of his victims.

# Chuck Norris once got into a fight with a one-armed Ninja. Seeing that he had an unfair advantage, Chuck Norris ripped both of his arms off and one of his legs. He then roundhouse-kicked the ninja in the head, killing him instantly, and proceeded to sow his limbs back on using only a rusty tent spike and bailing wire.

# Back in the '30s, there was a lot of controversy because Chuck Norris was the first black woman to refuse to sit at the back of the bus. He karate-chopped every white person’s head off in sight, and now he sits wherever the fuck he wants to.

# For every movie about Vietnam starring Chuck Norris, the historical duration of the war decreases. Just 3 more "Missing in Action" sequels, and that war will have never actually existed.

# During the Vietnam War, Chuck Norris allowed himself to be captured. For torture, they made him eat his own entrails. He asked for seconds.

# Chuck Norris once ate an entire bottle of sleeping pills. They made him blink.

# Chuck Norris can touch MC Hammer.

# Chuck Norris is responsible for China's over-population. He hosted a Karate tournament in Beijing and all women within 1,000 miles became pregnant instantly.

# Simply by pulling on both ends, Chuck Norris can stretch diamonds back into coal.

# Steven Seagal only waves to people who doesn't have any hands. He wants them to think he's cocky.

# Contrary to Kayne West’s infamous statement, Steven Seagal doesn’t care about black people.

# 27. The number of fatal roundhouse-kicks to the face Chuck Norris has given to other people in the time it has taken you to read this sentence.

# Chuck Norris slicks his hair back with his victims sweat.

# Chuck Norris was once high. This is when he found out that butter is way better than margarine.

# Who let the dogs out? Chuck Norris.

# Chuck Norris doesn't own a pager or a cell phone. He is always around everyone, ever. If you need to contact him, whisper, "Hey Chuck Norris" and he will turn his head to the right and say "What?"

# The hit series 'Lost' takes place in Chuck Norris' beard.

# 10x10= Chuck Norris.

# So fed up of his slow computer system at home, Chuck Norris pissed anabolic steroids and increased its performance.

# Biologically, Chuck Norris is his own step father.

# Ask not what Chuck Norris can do for you, but what can you do for Chuck Norris?

# If you don't know who your biological father is, it's probably Chuck Norris' mother.

# Michael Jackson's nose is about to fall off because Chuck Norris gave him a facial.

# Chuck Norris’ 5 o’clock shadow appears yesterday.

# Chuck Norris has already been to Mars, that is why there are no signs of life there.

# Chuck Norris can do 137 pushups. With his feet.

# Ashton Kutcher once tried to punk Chuck Norris. After Ashton told him "You got punked!" Chuck Norris immediately Karate-chopped him in the left testicle and responded, "No I didn't, your testicles did."

# Chuck Norris can unscramble an egg.

# Will Smith once said, "I got to get me one of these." Chuck Norris does in fact have one of those.

# Chuck Norris never has to force a confession out of a convict. They all spill their guts immediately...and literally.

# Chuck Norris's version of a "chocolate milkshake" is a raw porterhouse wrapped around ten Hershey bars, and doused in diesel fuel.

# If Chuck Norris round-house kicks you, you will die. If Chuck Norris' misses you with the round-house kick, the wind behind the kick will tear out your pancreas.

# In a fight between Batman and Darth Vader, the winner would be Chuck Norris.

# Chuck Norris puts his pants on one leg at a time, just like the rest of us. The only difference is, then he fucking kills people.

# Everybody loves Raymond. Except Chuck Norris.

# Contrary to popular belief, the Titanic didn't hit an iceberg. The ship was off course and accidentally ran into Chuck Norris while he was doing the backstroke across the Atlantic.

# Chuck Norris got his drivers license at the age of 16. Seconds.

# The original title for Alien vs. Predator was Alien and Predator vs Chuck Norris. The film was cancelled shortly after going into preproduction. No one would pay nine dollars to see a movie fourteen seconds long.

# Chuck Norris’ sperm is so badass, he had sex with Nicole Kidman, and 7 months later she prematurely gave birth to a Ford Excursion.

# Chuck Norris can win at solitaire with only 18 cards.

# Chuck Norris once shat blood - the blood of 11,940 natives he had killed and eaten.

# Maslow's theory of higher needs does not apply to Chuck Norris. He only has two needs: killing people and finding people to kill.

# The truth will set you free. Unless Chuck Norris has you, in which case, forget it buddy!

# For most people, home is where the heart is. For Chuck Norris, home is where he stores his collection of human skulls.

# Kryptonite has been found to contain trace elements of Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks to the face. This is why it is so deadly to Superman.

# Saddam Hussein was not found hiding in a "hole." Saddam was roundhouse-kicked in the head by Chuck Norris in Kansas, which sent him through the earth, stopping just short of the surface of Iraq.

# Coroners refer to dead people as "ABC's". Already Been Chucked.

# Chuck Norris doesn't look both ways before he crosses the street... he just roundhouses any cars that get too close.

# Chuck Norris does not have to answer the phone. His beard picks up the incoming electrical impulses and translates them into audible sound.

# How many roundhouse kicks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop? Just one. From Chuck Norris.

# Chuck Norris doesnt wear a watch, HE decides what time it is.

# The phrase 'break a leg' was originally coined by Chuck Norris's co-stars in Walker, Texas Ranger as a good luck charm, indicating that a broken leg might be the worst extent of their injuries. This never proved to be the case.

# When chuck Norris does division, there are no remainders.

# If you rearrange the letters in "Chuck Norris", they also spell "Crush Rock In". The words "with his fists" are understood.

# Never look a gift Chuck Norris in the mouth, because he will bite your damn eyes off.

# Give a man a fish, and you will feed him for a day. Give a man anything that is better than a fish, and Chuck Norris will beat his ass and take it.

# Chuck Norris used to play baseball. When Babe Ruth was hailed as the better player, Chuck Norris killed him with a baseball bat to the throat. Lou Gehrig got off easy.

# The original title for Star Wars was "Skywalker: Texas Ranger". Starring Chuck Norris.

__________________
I have all the characteristics of a human being: blood, flesh, skin, hair; but not a single, clear, identifiable emotion, except for greed and disgust. Something horrible is happening inside of me and I don't know why. My nightly bloodlust has overflown into my days. I feel lethal, on the verge of frenzy.
I think my mask of sanity is about to slip.

maleficent

__________________

ubertuber

I love Chuck Norris facts - here are two of my favorite that aren't on either list:

The dinosaurs looked at Chuck Norris wrong. ONCE.

Crop circles are Chuck Norris' way of telling the world that sometimes corn just needs to lay the fuck down.

P.S. more Chuck Norris facts

__________________
Cogito ergo spud -- I think, therefore I yam

Gatorade Frost

I like this one:

Chuck Norris isn't hung like a horse. Horses are hung like Chuck Norris.

__________________
I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, "I'm going to mop the floor with your face." I said, "You'll be sorry." He said, "Oh, yeah? Why?" I said, "Well, you won't be able to get into the corners very well."
Emo Philips

Nancy

Oh that's a good one!

__________________
I have all the characteristics of a human being: blood, flesh, skin, hair; but not a single, clear, identifiable emotion, except for greed and disgust. Something horrible is happening inside of me and I don't know why. My nightly bloodlust has overflown into my days. I feel lethal, on the verge of frenzy.
I think my mask of sanity is about to slip.

Johnny Pyro

Chuck Norris went to Burger King and ordered a Big Mac, He got one.


I love these.

__________________
"From delusion lead me to truth, from darkness lead me to light, from death lead me to eternal life. - Sheriff John Wydell

Daoust

Some of my favourites


1. The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.

2. If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds 'til." After you ask, "Two seconds 'til what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face.

3. Chuck Norris will attain statehood in 2009. His state flower will be the Magnolia.

4. Chuck Norris once shat blood - the blood of 11,940 natives he had killed and eaten.

5. Contrary to popular belief, America is not a democracy, it is a Chucktatorship.

6. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is based on a true story: Chuck Norris once swallowed a turtle whole, and when he crapped it out, the turtle was six feet tall and had learned karate.

7. 10x10= Chuck Norris.

and finally...

Time waits for no man. Unless that man is Chuck Norris.

__________________
I have faith in a few things - divinity and grace
But even when I'm on my knees I know the devil preys

gremlinx8

I like: Chuck Norris doesn't go hunting. Hunting implies the possibility of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.

jth

lol chuck noris doesn't get wet, water get's chuck noris

that's awesome!

Confused05

lmao thats great man...never seen so many chuck noris facts

eric_wh

those are great, thanks for posting!