space penguin....

For me it would be kyle katarn from jedi knight 2. He is always falling down into some black pit.

Zack McKracken, he really didn't have any reason to have to go to mars to save the world, and getting attacked by a 2 headed squirrel has got to suck.

Max Payne

Reminds me of how Laguna from FF VIII looked like Sandra Bullock. There was a big stink on RPG sites about how the FF series would feature the first openly gay RPG character, it also taught me how idiotic FF fanboy sites are.

This post also reminded me of how much bomberman rocks.

Princess Toadstool (spelling?)

Why? Because she always seemed to be in some trouble that she couldn't get herself out of. I would hate that.

Oh! This one just came to me. Link would be a pretty bad character to be, maybe the worst. Why? Because all of his games are called "Zelda" and many people think that is his name, when it is really a girl's name, and the name of the girl he has to help.

I always felt bad for Max Payne

the dude on the ostrich in Joust.

You're eternally doomed to ride on the back of an ostrich. Oh the agony on the nutsack!

Probably Roger Wilco from the Space Quest series. I've only played a few of them, but it must suck pretty bad to get turned into a human fountain of blood just by picking up a harmless piece of scrap metal, or falling into a meat grinder because you didn't type "jump" fast enough on that conveyor belt...

What? Nobody said Parappa the Rappa? He's a 2d, rapping dog. He must go to bed every night hoping not to wake up. At least I would if I had to live that pathetic life he must lead.

Ok, I have a few.

1: Abobo from the Double Dragon series. He is one of the ugliest motherfuckers I have ever seen. If my face looked like I got stepped on by a horse, I would frag myself.

2: Anyone in the Mortal Kombat series. Your entire life is getting the shit kicked out of you (if controlled by noobs such as myself), with the occasional falling into a pit of spikes.

3: Mario. He gets absolutely no poon, I don't care what anyone says. He risks life and limb to save that stupid cunt of a princess over and over, and doesn't even get a handjob out of the deal.

4: Yoshi. Whenever Mario wanted Yoshi to stick out his tongue in Super Mario World, he bashed Yoshi in the back of his head with his fist. That's fucked.

That's all I got for now.

Me, I'd say it'd suck highly to be any of the baddies from Mike Tyson's Punch Out! who you have to whack in the nuts to beat. I think Don Fernando or whatever his name was was a good example of this...

Raiden from Metal Gear Solid 2 for having his entire world turned upside-down and fucked in the ass. Or Luigi, for being one of the most looked over characters in video game history.

Along those lines, I'd have to vote for the poor schmuck in Crimsonland (BTW, d/l and play this if you haven't already, it's a blast)...

There's no hope for this guy, the critters just keep coming and coming.... he always dies in the end.

What about Barney from Half-Life?? I mean, he couldn't have had a great life with such a crappy job, and then the head crab thing? Too many donuts for poor old barney./..

Fei Fong Wong. Nothing like killing your entire friends and family then learning you're the slayer of god. Woot!

That's why everytime Mario was knocked off of Yoshi, Yoshi'd try his damnedest to get away.

The Doom guy.
At the end of Doom 1, he ends up in hell.
Then throughout Doom 2 he fights all of hell and for what? He escapes hell nack to earth only to find earth has been conquered by hell.

Wow, this is an old thread...

But it would suck to be Leisure Suit Larry. I mean, did he *ever*actually get any? I think he was a short, balding, badly-dressed 40 year old virgin.

not sure if anyone said this but it would suck to be henchman number 4 mane that guy got wasted good.

You know, thinking about it...it'd suck to be Conker from Conker's Bad Fur Day. Anyone who's played that game'll know what I'm talking about.

ninja gaiden. going all that way to rescue your dad but he still dies. or any regenerating enemies. i mean, you get killed, regenerate, and oh no! you get killed again.

One of the many down-sides of reincarnation and karma when they're against you.

Ladies love a giant mushroom every now and then

c'mon think about how popular youd be with the ladies.all you have to do eat a few apples/rats to get longer

Max payne may have no wife and kids, but he gets to be a uber badass. though he doesnt get to quit using cliche metaphors, EVER.

"it was cold outside and i was using metaphors like a wannabe mystery novelist with a bad case of writers block and a thesaurus" -Max PAyne

aries. :(

naw you guys have it all wrong

i think it would suck the most being a pilot in any shooter ever, especially in games like r-type where it is impossible to not get hit for more than 10 minutes

100000000 little shots coming at you from every direction on a 2d plane? <i>that</i> sucks

Gordon Freeman - if you refused to accept the G-Mans offer at the end of the game. :)

voldo. It would truly suck to be him.

It would suck to be Dash Rendar.
To know that Han Solo wrote the definition of cool and you were just a wannabe player.

I would have to say link from Ocarina of Time. First off he has Naive yelling at him every 10 seconds. Naive the most annoying NPC of all time.. Anyways After he beats Ganon, he gets turned back into a boy and never gets to score with Zelda. For crying out loud! He saves the world from darkness and doesn't get any p00n. I for one, would be really pissed.

any of them that I control............... I kinda suck at the games.... Lots of dead heros................

Probably the KOTG from Warcraft III...

Your weapon is throwing neon birdies at the opponent, and everyone calls you "ghey."

everyone says cloud, i say Aeris, youget freaking shanked from behind that must suck

What about any of the characters in DBZ budokai? The biggest badasses in the universe and they all get there arses kicked by a flamer w/ a rocket pack. O and Vincent Valentine from FF7, your in the middle of a nice 30year nap inside your warm comfy coffin and some spikey haired punk wakes your ass up and asks you to help him, and then when all is said and done your arse gets left out of the ending sequence!!

Luigi because he does all the work and Mario still gets the girl!!!

How about someone from one of those weirdo japanese hentai porn games. Be forced to have sex with your relatives and demons and shit like that.

Yeah, Max definitely ALWAYS gets the shit end of the stick. I just wanna see Max go on a vacation and get him some ass. That, and maybe get over that head cold that gives him the generic gravel throat.

the peasants in "Trogdor, the Burninator!"

or

any of the pikmin (from the game of the same name) getting eaten by weird animals in the most violent of fashions.

edit: oops, i just realized both of these don't jive with the "playable characters" criteria. still, it would suck to be either of these.

it's no fun to just shoot them... I prefer some of the more brutal weapons (baseball bat) that part of the game is so much fun, I've never felt like playin a mission

any of the random gang members from Manhunt, anyone that has ever played it knows that... when your not payin attention and james earl cash is right behind you with a machete, ouch

Rebecca Chambers from Resident Evil 1, fuck 0, that shit ain't canon. Imagine being a stupid 18 year old girl, first time on the job, trapped in a mansion filled with rotting monster dogs, zombies and fuckin green monsters that can lunge and swipe your head off in one clean swing.

Being the only live player on your team in Counter-Strike with the other team having 5 live players. Not enough for it to be hopeless but close enough that it might as well be.

What about those suicide lemmings from "Lemmings"? You know the ones you blow up so they can destroy walls and stuff but you had to get your timing just right so most of the time you blew them up for nothing. Now that would suck.

Cait Sith.

...I mean, really.

definitely Max Payne. he loses in BOTH games.

i've got to say Squal from FF8.
the guy was so tragically angst-ridden he was hardly able to speak.

One of the worms in the game Worms. Ya know ya gonna die, and the way it happens will probably amuse anyone who happens to witness ya death

Any nethack character.

Your odds of survival are very small and no saves.

no doubt about it:
LARRY LAFFER

Great answers everyone..

Larry Laffer, Luigi, Pacman

damn - the Abobo comment had me laughing hysterically for awhile there.

Qbert, hell even frogger.. god I feel old.

Hmmmm
What video game character would get my vote?
Life wise - I'd have to agree with Max Payne.

Otherwise, personally I'd have to say it would suck to be the very first grunt/footman/archer in wc3, knowing full well that if the "boss" has poor micro.. I'm already as good as dead.

He did get it a couple of times, but I remember one time was when you had to bring a girl a condom, and it showed her silhouette and yours.... and her enormous wang..... That was a death scene.

totally agreed poor guy heh would be awful to be Max!

Hey, i'm new, but how about all those inocent bistandards in grand theft auto that you just use for target praticing? i wouldn't like to have that job...lol

what about Gau from final fantasy 3/6.

first of all, he sucks, and secondly if he wants to get any powers he has to jump into a horse/crab/robot and presumably hide up its ass for like, 6 hours until we find him again, probably all covered in animal innards, only to be left on the blimp cause we never got to jump into any cool monsters. that must suck large!

Paperboy, customers are never happy, dogs chasing you, obstacle cource at the end of your route.... and what do you get ........ your picture in the newspaper saying how much you suck when you die.

the monk from eternal darkness, lets just say he was victim of the shortest boss fight ever

Bridget from Guilty Gear. Imagine trying to assert your masculinity after 16 years of being raised a girl. And having to do it with a Yo-yo...

Or Zappa from the same series. Being possessed like that kinda sucks...

By the way, I would like to point out at Luigi has Toadstool's brunette sister Daisy to bang, so hes not all that lonely

The bad guy, they always die in the end.

Im gonna go with cops from gta. They get harrased so much...but its so fun :D

i haven't gone throught the previous pages so apologies if it's already been said...

it would suck to be the little hard hat dudes from mega man. you know, they pop up every once in a while but you've already got a huge arm-cannon blast all charged up to unload on their sorry asses.

hilarious.

Jim Raynor from starcraft - His planet was overrun by the zerg then burned to ash by the protoss fleet. His girlfriend is turned into a freaking evil zerg bitch who kills every character she comes accross in the game. He cannot show his face around the Minx who he helped to power. His best friend Tassadar the protoss gave his life to save the universe only for the zerg to come back strong as hell.

Jim raynor has seen it all. Although he does has that freaking huge battleship...maby max pane does have it worse.

Larry Laffer da man, no contest!

king hippo has to have it the worst poor man cant even keep his trunks up

How can being Luigi and being second best be worse than what Max Payne went through? Frogger gets it pretty bad too, road kill.

it's obviously SPACE MARINE from the Doom series. we need a poll here...

Nothing! That came out all wrong man, Knuckles to me is almost cooler than Sonic... It's a tie really..

Marine from Doom and Max Payne seem to be winning... for once.

Me personally, my nightmare is to wake up and realize I'm ANY of the avatars from Counterstrike, particularly in the "dust" map. I mean, the amount of virtual death there is incredible, the place, if real, would literally be awash with blood, corpses stacked like cordwood. I'd know that map instantly, too, and I know just where I'd go hide and poop my pants. Kinda makes you wonder, though, if Hell is tuned to our sins ala Dante's Inferno, what do lazy, caffeine crazed basement geeks like moi have to expect????

celes from ff6. gets thrown off some floating island way up in the sky. survives. kills her father-figure with poison fish. jumps off a cliff. survives again. Plus she was created, so she has no real parents. Plus, her love interest is some gypsy closet-case thief. yeah, that'd suck teh penis.

oh, and larry laffer did get laid. in lsl6 (i think) he actually deflowers some hot chick.

the worst
 

i would have to say e.t. on atari 2600 i mean doomed to fall through holes for all eternity. in a nasty green holes at that i might add that would really suck

Blanca from Street Fighter 2 has a serious colouration problem, and that hairy back has got to put off any woman.
Not to mention taking a bath must be a serious pain in the arse when you're electrified.
Then when he's out of the bath he ends up looking like a prize poodle from the charge :/

Sorry if this has already been touched upon, but:

Anyone from the first Super Mario Brothers realm -- whether it be the brothers, Toad, or the princess. Look at it this way: what kind of fucked up world is the Mushroom Kingdom? It's riddled with obstacles and pipes, which may or may not contain man-eating (in later titles, fire-breathing) plants and bottomless pits. To top it all off, every living creature in the Mushroom Kingdom, whether it be a harmless-looking Koopa Troopa or a squat, toothy-faced Goomba, apparently emits some sort of deadly, topical toxin that inistantly kills or injurs you upon contact. The only way the man can stay sane is to binge on mushrooms and flora -- which, again, in later titles, may have adverse affects on Mario or Luigi.

Cloud from Final Fantasy VII -- faced with having to save the world whilst overcoming one fucked up identity crisis? The heroes from Contra, who have repeatedly been pent up with fighting off an alien invasion every five-or-so years? No. None of these guys have it as bad as Mario and Luigi. The only one who comes close would have to be Ryu Hayabusa from Ninja Gaiden (NES) or Megaman; those games are hard as hell, but atleast they have weapons with which they can fend for themselves.

I feel really bad for Cloud and Max Payne. Poor bastards.

I think it'd suck to be Bob-omb from Super Mario 2... I mean, you're whole existence is to be a suicide bomber... How much would that suck?

Hostages in Counter-Strike.. Those poor things get shot up more than a heroin addict at a rock concert..

In 1987 i started playing Leisure suit Larry in the land..., then i was 14 years old and new nothing about life, now i think i would like to have an adventure like Larry, He is my hero man. Far out.

Hmm cant avoid thinking of all the crapy Lego guys in the even more crapy Lego games, Yes we can all see you are made entirly out of squares.... Entirely out of squares..... Yes to all of yuo who didnt get it,EVERYTHING on those guys are made of squares..... Wondering how it feels to be kicked in a couple of square balls, and with that never ending smile, Say you've just been dumped, Your head's been torn of by some over execited three yearold and your stuck on of plate because you got hole in your feet, and all you can do is smile.... just smile.....

I rest my case..

How about Samus?

She's always getting jeers from everybody thinking that she's a man. Her armor's always busted or not up to it's full potenial.

*edit*

And how about Mega-Man? He's been through a billion games and he still looks like he's 10 years old.

my moneies definatly on luigia, that guy never gets any respect!

Did anyone say the lemmings yet? Or worms from W.O.R.M.S. Armageddon.

oddworlds abe i love the green fella but he looks soooo sad ...

the guy from ghosts and goblins... one hit and you have to fight in your undies.not even the marine from doom has to do that.

also...................... boogerman.

The technicians/civilians from Command & Conquer. Your vehicle/building gets destroyed, and you probably either die right there, or survive with mortal injuries. You're then thrown out into open battle and all you have is what appears to be a .22 calibre pistol, and you're clad in bright red or green clothing (may as well have a target on your chest). There's deadly tiberium surrounding you, as well as enemies who think you're an easy target, and friendlies who don't care if you die or not. You're afraid of everything and run around like a pansy, and are highly flammable.

Sigh, I used to have so much fun messing around with those guys. Get a bunch of my stuff destroyed, gather up a half dozen, and make them bust some caps on a lone enemy. :D

Larry Laffer, or Larry's nephew..they get sucked off so much. :)

Seriously though, ...I don't know.