CSflim

Review courtesy of SomethingAwful.com

I remember, like many, when Original Game hit the store shelves a couple a couple of years ago. There were lines around the block for the new big thing to hit Video Game Console Of The Week. The first time I booted up Original Game and saw Badass But Accessibly Nerdy Main Character, I was hooked. Now we finally have Sequel To Popular Game. Does it stack up to Original Game? Unfortunately, no.

True, the graphics may be better in Sequel To Popular Game. The fire effects when Boss Who Inexplicably Explodes After Dying exploded were incredible. I could see each piece of ash reflected in Main Character’s eyes. The water effects evident in Useless Body Of Water That Sits In Background Showing Off Water Effects were enough to make me sea-sick. And there was something undeniably visceral when I first saw Giant Geyser Of Blood That Comes From Every Dying Character Even If They Die From Drowning Or Poison Gas.

But in the end, all this empty eye candy could hardly make up for what Sequel To Popular Video Game lacked in content. Boring Opening Area That Over Explains Every Game Mechanic was the first sign that something was wrong. Original Game featured a great opening, with Equally Boring Opening Area That Allowed You To Shoot A Missile Or Something So You Wouldn’t Notice How Bored You Were, a level that Sequel To Popular Game simply couldn’t hold a candle to.

Speaking of levels, who thought that adding Awkward Stealth Level to Sequel To Popular Game was a good idea? It messed up the entire formula that made Original Game Which In Fact Included Two Stealth Levels The Writer Has Forgotten great. I want to use Repetitive Gaming Mechanic Used In Rest Of Game to take out those enemies, not Badly Implemented Stealth System. I’m playing Sequel To Popular Game here, not Splinter Gear Solid!

Of course, a game is nothing without interesting bosses. I’m sure everyone remembers Original Game’s classic Ice Themed Boss With Obvious Weak Spot. Nothing that memorable exists in Sequel To Popular Game. The best we have is Water Themed Boss With Obvious Weak Spot That You Actually Have To Fight Three Times Because The Developers Got Lazy, which is fun but nothing special. Without a doubt, Fire Themed Boss With No Obvious Weak Spot Who’s Killed Through Some Gimmick Like Pulling Levers Or Something was a sign that the makers of Sequel To Popular Game were moving just a little too far from Original Game’s magic.

All the characters in Sequel To Popular Game come off as shadows of Original Game’s characters. While I have no problems with Hot Chick With Less Clothes Than One Should Probably Wear In Combat, I’m less enthusiastic about Worthless AI-Controlled Apparently Suicidal Teammate, although I found Pathetically Unfunny Catchphrase Repeated Every Couple Seconds By Character funny enough to slightly redeem him. There are no characters as memorable as Original Game’s Equally Useless Teammate With Slightly Better Repeating Catchphrase or Other Hot Chick With Even Less Clothes Than The One In The Sequel, but, in defense of Sequel To Popular Game, few characters have ever matched those two.

The ending of this game leaves much to be desired as well. I was expected some satisfaction in terms of Sketchy Overarching Plotline, but instead we were left with Inevitable Cliffhanger Designed To Blackmail Companies Into Funding A Third Game. Sure, it’s true that Sudden Return Of First Game’s Villain At Climax Of Second Game was an unexpected twist, but I think they could have done better than Completely Unexplained Disappearance Of Villain Pending Further Sequels.

So where did things go wrong for Sequel To Popular Game? To understand, we must first go back to the development of Original Game. When Visionary Designer Who Has Never Actually Finished A Goddamn Project In His Entire Life left the company that was working on Original Game, development was handed off to Workhorse Game Designer Who May Not Be A Creative Genius But Who Actually Fucking Does A Little Work Now And Then And Delivers A Fucking Product.

Honestly, it’s incredible that Original Game worked out as well as it did with Underappreciated Hardworking Game Designer on the job. I can only chock it up to the starting influence of Worthless Artsy Fartsy First Designer. Of course, when it came time for Sequel To Popular Game to be made, neither of these developers were available, so Large Company Interested In Actually Turning A Profit On A Game turned the game over to Little Known Niche Game Company Unprepared For Project Of This Size.

While I love what Little Known Niche Game Company has done in the past, including Game No One Has Heard Of But A Few People Talk About Like It Was The Fucking Messiah, they just didn’t have the necessary resources to produce something along the lines of Original Game. Even with the budget given to them by Large Company, the evidence of cut corners can be seen in Long Interior Level With Only One Texture For Both The Wall And Floor, and also Ending Area Missing Most Of Its Content. Flaws like this stack up in Sequel To Popular Game.

Maybe part of the problem was the enormous amount of hype before the game’s release. I was at E3, and I remember Huge Game Trailer Featuring Characters And Locations Never Even Planned To Be Included. That single video made me want Sequel To Popular Game like nothing else. Even for those who didn’t preorder from Monolithic Corporate Store or didn’t, like I did, preorder from Ratty Indie Game Store Secretly Owned By Monolithic Corporate Store, the reviews must have been tempting.

Magazine Owned By Video Game Company That Gives Nothing But Great Reviews To The Company’s Games gave it a great review. Shitty Game Review Website That Rarely Goes As Low As An 8 In Its Ratings gave it a 10 out of 10. Tough Review Website That Occasionally Goes As Low As A 7 When A Game Is Really Bad gave it a glowing 9 out of 10. Reviews like this rarely lie, so I was pumped as I headed to Secretly Corporate Indie Store to pick up my preorder.

And here we are. All my hopes turned out to be for nothing. Sequel To Popular Game just plain isn’t as good as Original Game. I haven’t given up hope though. I’m still waiting eagerly for Third Game So Bad It Will Destroy The Franchise Forever to be announced.

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BigBen

Where do I compare these games? My online search has not found any game by these titles...

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3.141592654
Hey, if you are impressed with my memorizing pi to 10 digits, you should see the size of my penis.

CyCo PL

Well if it's called "original game", it probably hasn't come out in the past ten years at least.

Toaster126

HAHAHAHAHA, burn!

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"The question isn't who is going to let me, it's who is going to stop me." (Ayn Rand)
"The truth is that our finest moments are most likely to occur when we are feeling deeply uncomfortable, unhappy, or unfulfilled. For it is only in such moments, propelled by our discomfort, that we are likely to step out of our ruts and start searching for different ways or truer answers." (M. Scott Peck)

Wingless

God that reminds me of that Gamefly commercial...

"Where are all the good games, you guys have nothing, zip, nada..."
"WE HAVE NADA 3!!!!"

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Tommy
Nibs is a funny word.
So here I am, above palm trees, so straight and tall...
You are, smaller getting smaller, but I still see... you.
Jimmy Eat World - Goodbye Sky Harbor

Derwood

it's parody (in case anyone missed this obvious fact)

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"You can't shoot a country until it becomes a democracy." - Willravel

blahblah454

It may be a parody but it does hit some pretty damn good points. I find its pretty much the same with movies these days as well (they are remaking everything it seems)

CSflim

I wouldn't so much say that the author is saying "sequels are crap". He is more saying "the originals weren't all that incredible either".

But yeah, it's similar with the movies.

cough *Star Wars Trilogy* cough.

What? me? I didn't say anything.

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t3m3st

Excluding Harmonix... And I guess Nintendo(gs)

But yeah, it's the truth. And as soon as something original does comes out, theres 6 on the shelf next month.

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I do it for the rare drops

MexicanOnABike

ahaha! who noticed this was about half life 2? it just fits perfectly! haha.

and true, good sequels are hard to find.

most sports/racing games are good for sequels(although it's moslty just better graphics anyways. not much storylines here.)

Lasereth

Originality isn't a prerequisite for a game being good. If you make a game with good graphics, a deep plot, good character development, tight controls, etc. then it will be enjoyable even if it's a rehash. The only exceptions are games in the racing, sports, etc. genres that don't have the novelty of having a plot or characters to make it interesting. These genres are generally hit the hardest due to there being an extremely limited number of variations that are even possible in the game.

The parody made some good points but I'm not sure about the overall opinion he was trying to make. Of course, I'm also a gamer that doesn't believe originality is the only thing that makes a game a classic.

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"A Darwinian attacks his theory, seeking to find flaws. An ID believer defends his theory, seeking to conceal flaws." -Roger Ebert

biznatch

i did. HL2 does overexplain the game mechanics lol..Grav gun, buggy..But I can't blame em..I've enjoyed every minute of it.
The article itself is pretty funny, HL2 was so criticized on the net by angry fanbois with too little to do of their time that they need to be (excuse the term) pwn3d.