The Longest Thread Ever!

[Zooksport2]

lets knock out a quick hundred.....

[Jetée]

I'm for it.

[Zooksport2]

A newly-married couple show up at a hotel and ask for the honeymoon suite. "Do you have reservations?" inquires the receptionist. "Only one," replies the bride. "I won't take it up the arse."
--

[Jetée]

Water-sealed and air-tight.

[Zooksport2]

What is arguably one of the most costly things in the world? A girl who is free for the evening.

[Jetée]

Tell me more.

[Zooksport2]

A man is sitting on his front step staring morosely at the ground when his neighbour strolls over. The neighbour tries to start a conversation several times, but the older man barely responds. Finally, the neighbour asks what the problem is. "Well," the man says, "I ran afoul of one of those questions women ask. Now I'm in the doghouse." "What was the question?" the neighbour asks. "My wife asked me if I would still love her when she was old, fat and ugly." "That's easy," says the neighbour. "You just say, 'Of course I will.'" "Yeah," says the other man, "that's what I meant to say. But what came out was, 'Of course I do.'"

[Jetée]

Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I'll show you A-flat minor.

[Esoteric]

The 3 Postketeers.

[Zooksport2]

I was in a pub and told the following joke: What do you do if an epileptic has a fit in the bath? Throw your clothes in so they get a wash.

Once the guffawing of my friends had died down, I became aware of a man on the other side of the bar, looking quite choked and talking to the landlord. The landlord came over to me and told me that the gentleman at the bar had recently lost his son and that my joke had offended him. I thought I should apologise. I approached the gentleman at the bar and offered my condolences for his loss and my apologies if my joke had upset him. He said that the joke had only got to him because his son was an epileptic and it was a fit which killed him.

I wondered as to how a fit could actually kill someone and the man said that his son had slipped and hit his head and that was what had killed him. I asked where his son had slipped and the man said it was in the bath. Well, I realised then how inappropriate my joke had been in the circumstances.

"Did your son hit his head on a tap then?" I asked. "No," replied the man. "He choked on one of my socks..."

[Jetée]

[Zooksport2]

Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I'll show you A-flat minor.

ha! I like that!

An 80-year old man goes for physical. All tests come back with normal results. The doctor says, "George, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?"

George replies: "God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so he's fixed it so when I get in up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom - poof! The light goes on. When I'm done, Poof! The light goes off." "Wow, that's incredible," says the doctor.

A little later in the day, the doctor calls George's wife. "Ethel," he says, "George is doing fine! But I had to call you because I'm in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and - poof! The light goes on in the bathroom, and when he's done - poof! The light goes off?" "Oh my God!" Ethel exclaims. "He's pissing in the bloody fridge again!"

[Jetée]

[Zooksport2]

An 80-year old man goes for physical. All tests come back with normal results. The doctor says, "George, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?"

George replies: "God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so he's fixed it so when I get in up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom - poof! The light goes on. When I'm done, Poof! The light goes off." "Wow, that's incredible," says the doctor.

A little later in the day, the doctor calls George's wife. "Ethel," he says, "George is doing fine! But I had to call you because I'm in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and - poof! The light goes on in the bathroom, and when he's done - poof! The light goes off?" "Oh my God!" Ethel exclaims. "He's pissing in the bloody fridge again!"

[Jetée]

Some people's noses and feet are built backwards: their feet smell and their noses run.

[Zooksport2]

Oh yes, the closing scene from quentin's movie... loved it!

[Jetée]

To some - marriage is a word ... to others - a sentence.

Originally Posted by Zooksport2

Oh yes, the closing scene from quentin's movie... loved it!

Which one?

[Esoteric]

She's hot!

Those jokes are good.

[Zooksport2]

A woman was in town on a shopping trip. She began her day finding the most perfect shoes in the first shop and a beautiful dress on sale in the second. In the third everything had just been reduced to $5, when her mobile phone rang.

It was a female doctor notifying her that her husband had just been in a terrible accident and was in critical condition and in the ICU. The woman told the doctor to inform her husband where she was and that she'd be there as soon as possible.

As she hung up she realised she was leaving what was shaping up to be her best day ever in the shops. She decided to get in a couple more shops before heading to the hospital.

She ended up shopping the rest of the morning, finishing her trip with a cup of coffee and a beautiful slice of chocolate cake complimentary from the last shop.

She was jubilant.

Then she remembered her husband. Feeling guilty, she dashed to the hospital. She saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about her Husband's condition.

The lady doctor glared at her and shouted, "You went ahead and finished your shopping trip didn't you! I hope you're proud of yourself! While you were out for the past four hours prancing around town, your husband has been languishing in the Intensive Care Unit! It's just as well you went ahead and finished because it will be more than likely the last shopping trip you ever take! For the rest of his life he will require around the clock care to feed him, cloth him and change his nappy. And you'll now be his carer!"

The woman was feeling so guilty she broke down and sobbed. The doctor then chuckled and said, "I'm just pulling your leg. He's dead! What'd you buy?"

[Jetée]

I seem to have a contact who posts nothing but roller derby girls.

[Zooksport2]

Dusk till Dawn, of course!

[Jetée]

Never even heard of it.

[Zooksport2]

n Irishman, John O'Reilly, met regularly with his toastmasters club. One evening they were hitting the Guinness and having a contest to see who could make the best toast.

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life between the legs of me wife!"

That won him the top prize for the best toast of the night! He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best toast of the night." She said, "Aye, what was your toast?" Thinking quickly John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life sitting in church beside me wife." "Oh that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.

The next day Mary ran into one of John's toasting buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night with a toast about you Mary." She said, "Aye and I was a bit surprised meself! You know, he's only been there twice! Once he fell asleep and the other time I had to yank him to make him come!"

[Jetée]

How awesome is this?

[Zooksport2]

Originally Posted by Jetée

Never even heard of it.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0116367/


check it..........

[Jetée]

Clicked it.

[Zooksport2]

A young Aussie moved to London and went to Harrods looking for a job. The manager asked "Do you have any sales experience?" The young man answered "Yeah, I was a salesman back home." The manager liked the Aussie so he gave him the job.

His first day on the job was challenging and busy, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the manager came down and asked "OK, so how many sales did you make today?" The Aussie said "One."

The manager groaned and continued "Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?" "101,237.64." The Aussie replied. The manager choked and exclaimed "101,237.64? What the hell did you sell him!?"

"Well, first I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium fish hook, and then, I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast, so I told him he would need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin-engine Power Cat. Then he said he didn’t think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to car sales and I sold him the 4 x 4 Suzuki".

The manager, incredulous, said "You mean to tell me… a guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and 4×4...?" "No... he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his wife and I said... 'Well, since your weekend’s fucked, you might as well go fishing.'"

[Jetée]

Damn, I want to watch this movie right now!

[Zooksport2]

Hey, Esteric.... come on, lad, keep posting.... don't let us push ya aside, we need you, too!

[Esoteric]

That's a good movie.

[Zooksport2]

A Jew and a non-Jew are travelling on a train together when suddenly the gentile asks "Why are you Jews so smart?" The Jew is quiet for a moment and then says "it's because of all the herring we eat."

A few hours later the Jew takes out some herring and starts to eat it. The gentile asks "How much herring do you have?" and the Jew answers "A dozen pieces". "And how much do you want for a piece?" "20 kopecks" (a lot of money).

The man hands the money over and the Jew gives him a piece of herring. "He takes a bite and says suddenly "I could have bought this same herring in Moscow for a few kopecks". To this the Jew responds "see... your getting smarter already."

[Jetée]

I think he is caught in freeze...

Originally Posted by Esoteric

That's a good movie.

Yu seen it as well?

[Esoteric]

Yes, yes I have. I suggest you see it as soon as you can!

[Jetée]

Don't join dangerous cults: Practice safe sects!

[Zooksport2]

I was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless woman who asked me for a couple of dollars for dinner. I took out my wallet, got out ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some wine with it instead of dinner?" "No, I had to stop drinking years ago", the homeless woman told me.

"Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?" I asked. "No, I don't waste time shopping," the homeless woman said. "I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive."

"Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?" I asked. "Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless woman. "I haven't had my hair done in 20 years!"

"Well," I said, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you out for dinner with my husband and me tonight." The homeless woman was shocked. "Won't your husband be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting."

I said, "That's okay. It's important for him to see what a woman looks like after she has given up shopping, hair appointments, and wine."

[Jetée]

[Zooksport2]

A man walked into the corner store with a shotgun and demanded all of the money from the cash register. After the cashier put the money in the bag as instructed, the man demanded the bottle of Scotch he saw behind the counter. The cashier refused to hand over the Scotch because he did not believe the man was 21. The robber swore he was, but still the clerk refused. Finally, the robber handed over his ID and proved that he was indeed twenty-one. As soon as he left, the cashier called and gave the police the name and address of the man who had just robbed the store. The suspect was arrested two hours later.

Sheila, the Aussie housewife, got out of the shower and slipped over on the bathroom floor. Instead of slipping over forwards or backwards, she slipped, did the splits and suctioned herself to the floor.

She yelled out for her husband Bruce. "Bruce, Bruce" she yelled. Bruce came running in.

"Bruce, I've gone an' bloody suctioned m'self to the floor" she said.
"Strewth" Bruce said and tried to pull her up.

"You're stuck like bloody superglue, woman. I'll go across the road and get Cobba" (his mate). They came back and they both tried to pull her up.

"No way. We can't do it, have ta go with Plan B," Cobba said.

"Plan B?" exclaimed Bruce, "What's that"?

"I'll go get my hammer and chisel outta the ute and we can break the tiles under her and release the vacuum." replied Cobba

"Spot on, you're a legend," Bruce said

"While you're doing that, I'll stay here and play with her tits."

"Play with her tits"? Cobba said, "Not exactly a good time for that mate?"

"No" Bruce replied, "But I reckon if I can get her wet enough, we can slide her into the kitchen where the tiles aren't so expensive".

[Jetée]

@ sandestin resort, destin, fl.

[Zooksport2]

What do you tell a woman with two black eyes?
Nothing, you've already told the bitch twice.

Who Dat, Jet????

[Jetée]

I wonder how far we have progressed?