The Longest Thread Ever!

[skier]

For all intents and purposes, I am a drug addict.

I have to take my antidepressants every day or I'll flip out. I have before, and it was not a pretty site.

I realized that my pharmacist is my dealer, and I thought to myself:

"I should get diagnosed with glaucoma. That way I don't have to make 2 trips to get the drugs I need."

Time to smoke another bowl of scraping and wait for my "other" pharmacist to arrive...

[Antikarma]

Man I get into reading that book, come back, and we're almost at 4100!! dammit no free beer for the hockey game tonight.


HMMMM if we try hard maybe I can get 5000 before the hockey game tonight for the free beer

[skier]

I used to wonder how middle-aged guys got to be so disgusting and stupid. Didn't they know that burping, farting and scratching themselves in front of women would never get them any.

The other day I took a mental snapshot of where I was. My hand was busy down the front of my pants scartching my testicles, I hadn't shaved for a week and my feet stunk to high heaven. Sitting not six feet away was a gorgeous blonde girl, beautiful enough to be a model. I was carrying on a conversation about business with her, completely unaware of what I must look like to her.

On the inside I'm suave.

[MexicanOnABike]

page 103? !!!

[skier]

the away message read:

"ever get just so disgusted with instant messanger that you want to sign off but need to let everyone know of your contempt for this fucking endlessly wasteful program so you instead stay signed on in order to put up an away message that explains how much you hate it at times?"

yeah, that's where i am, and it's a new low.

[skier]

So we're talking about a friend of ours, just sitting round the living room figuring out the problems of the world.

I don't know what he was trying to prove, but out it came.

"Just remember the next time she gives you a kiss, my dick's been in that mouth"

[skier]

From the nylottery.org (the official site for the New York State Lottery) FAQ -- remember, gang, that's "Frequently Asked Questions":

Q: Can you give me the winning numbers for the next drawing?

A: No. Each drawing is a completely random occurrence.

Q: When are you going to pull my number?

A: Each drawing is unique and is a totally random selection process.

It's kind of clever, in a retarded sort of way. If they won't give me future numbers, our hypothetical moron thinks, then I'll find out when my numbers are coming up!

A wise man once defined "lottery" as "a tax on people who are bad at math." And he was right.

Hey, I got a Free Play on Take Five!

[skier]

After I finally got her attention by threatening to cut off her oxygen supply for a week (i.e., take her computer offline), my stepdaughter and I got on amazingly well, and she actually started to take care of her sick mother, too.

I even made her favourite Thai dish. She was spooning it into her bowl, muttering: "I love cilantro! I love green onions!"

She's a carnivore, and has never been particularly famous for liking vegetables.

Me: "Eh, cilantro and green onions are... well, they're GREEN."

She, instantly: "Yeah, but they don't mean it..."

[skier]

Whilst playing some party game or other similar to Charades, I was stuck with the task of communicating the word "Beaver" to my team without using words.

I stuck my front teeth out.

No one got it.

I made a beaver-like tail with my hand.

No one got it.

Finally, in a moment of desperation I pointed at my crotch.

"BEAVER!" my friend shouted loudly.

Jeez...

[skier]

I think when you make the drink Sex on the Beach with the cheapest vodka on earth, $1 peach schnapps, tang, and Wal-Mart brand cranberry juice, it should be called Dirty Fucking Rednecks.

[skier]

I asked my boyfried to do my laundry one day.

" Yeah I washed your underwear. There was a bacon streak in the back and cream in the front. It was like a breakfast platter"

I will never ask again

[skier]

The Best Spring Break Ever: Alcoholic Moments

Sitting on the veranda chatting with Henry, his little brother, and my little brother. Henry stands up and the towel falls off of his lap, revealing that he is wearing a black pleather thong. He dances off into the distance.

The following night I'm lying in bed watching From Hell, and there's a knock at the glass sliding door. It's Henry. In the thong.

Later, chillin on the beach around 4:30-ish after a night of clubbing, and Henry strides out from behind the palm trees clad in, you guessed it, the thong.

We bought it for him as a joke, he turned it into a lifestyle.

Now we call him Party Boy.

[skier]

Me and my best friend ended up moving into his grandparents house after they both finally passed away.

It was a pretty big house and already had a lot of furniture, including this tan chair.

Apparently it had been "grandma's" favorite chair.

She had expired in that chair.

It had a huge stain caused by her death and loss of bladder/bowel control.

That damn chair was freaky.

I made my friend take it to a dumpster before I would move in.

[skier]

The first time I dropped acid was at a party after work. Now this was a busy Mexican place with lots of booze. I don't remember how much I drank but when the blotter kicked in I remember being in the median of the highway, propositioning a married waitress, and pissing in my manager's van on the way home. My mom had given me a 2am curfew, I literally crawled through the door at 1:57am.

The next morning was orientation day for highschool. My friends just kinda dragged me around because I was still too fucked up to function. My picture for my ID was choice.......definitely look stoned.

[MexicanOnABike]

Originally Posted by Antikarma

Man I get into reading that book, come back, and we're almost at 4100!! dammit no free beer for the hockey game tonight.


HMMMM if we try hard maybe I can get 5000 before the hockey game tonight for the free beer

post 5000 tonight? could it be?

[skier]

I am the only girl in my group of friends, and my nickname is Tito.

This came about one day when I was completely tanked and decided to announce that I was the only "tits and taco" in the room.

Since then I have been dubbed: Tito

[skier]

So, I have been talking to this 18 year old girl (6 years younger than me) for a while now. I had met her in a yahoo chat room, and at first she was a total bitch to me, and thought of me as an asshole. So, of course I had to prove her wrong, and for some reason she still talked to me despite how she viewed me. Anyway, she had only had one boyfriend her whole life, and at the time was still with him. Well, she was a sexaholic, and always talked about how he couldn't keep up, blah, blah, blah. Well, after a while she broke up with him, and confessed that she had a crush on me. So, we went out a few times, and still are. Well, this past weekend she gave me what is the best blowjob I have ever had the pleasure of experiencing......it was magical. I didn't know that a tongue could be moved in so many ways & hit so many spots.........and when it was done I just thought, "That kid is going to be so sad when he realizes that he will most likely never find a girl who can give this great of head."

[skier]

The target - a slightly overweight girl wearinq all too much denim.

The hunter - a tall, thin man. White t, black mambo shorts, dark glasses. He opens with an inoccent request for the time.

Then comes the gold - 'do i have

any shavinq rash?'

'no' she replies

he is sinking fast but still chasing this doomed anqle.

'.....(pause)......any at all?'

'no'

'are you sure' (im cringing inside at this point thinking psycho psycho psycho)

'yes' - the train lurches into the next stop. She hurriedly heads for the door at an almost bolt, then trots down past the windows (and past the view of psycho boy) to the next carriaqe. The guy looked totally normal afterwards as though he did this kind of thing all the time, if he does.... it is a sad world indeed.

[skier]

I look over at Kristen.

"Yeah me and Kim were screwing on the stage Saturday morning."

Silence. "Oh really?"

"Yeah we screwed over there" Point.

"Over there." Point.

"A whole lot of over there." Point. Tense Silence.

"For a while, Werner, Whitney, Ryan, Mary, Kim and I were all screwing on the stage at the same time."

[skier]

Our eyes meet. She knows it's me. I know it's her, but we don't acknowledge this. She's no prize. Not hideous, but definitely not a girl I'd look twice at sober. We're polite. She orders her food. I serve it to her.

God I hope I never see her again.

She didn't give good head, anyways.

[skier]

Waiting in line for the pumps at Citgo the other day and I pull into a spot that I had my eye on. I hear a horn start blaring and see that a lady had been waiting for that same spot. She then pulls by and goes to the next open pump (that opened up 3 seconds later) the whole time she is putting up a 2 fingered salute. I get done a few seconds before her and go into the store to pay. I go back and pick up a few things and she is standing right behind me in line. She looks at me and says "You asshole, fuck you, you are such a dick" and other whitty one liners that most of the time are awnsered by a flying elbow to the ovaries. BUT I HELD BACK and instead handed her the bottle of Midol that i had just bought. Seriously how do you keep from laughing when you have the walking definition of "cranky bitch" screaming at your back as you leave the store. I was half expecting her to throw the bottle at me but I knew that she needed them too bad.

[skier]

There is nothing more embarrassing, yet funny, as pissing with "morning wood" and getting a "split-stream" at the same time.

There is absolutely no fucking way to hit ~anything~ that resembles a toilet.






hahahahahahahah so true

[skier]

I took a rip off of the pipe and said, holding my breath kind of,

"I watch you through your window every night. I saw you beatin' off."

[skier]

our composition class assignment was to record a 30 second commercial, for radio, the only requirments being it had to be exactly 30 seconds,and no swearing. our idea was for a new laxitive. the commercial would be a guy eating, then a chair being pushed, running, a door slam, then shitting noises. our product would be called "lazer-lax" and the tag line "finally, something faster than the speed of light."

[skier]

My dog is having sex with my fuck buddy's dog. We were watching them for a while then decided to take a jacuzzi.

[skier]

Today I was wandering around my local shopping village, thinking about how much I liked it. I liked the place thatn sold all day breakfast, where I took a very sweet but very bad one night stand. I liked the fish and chip shop owned by some very friendly Chinese-Australians. I liked the tucked away cafes. I even liked the crappy fruit and vegetables at the local grocery store.

I started to realise that I LOVED living in Summer Hill.

Then I had another realisation - I had taken a shitload of codeine about an hour ago.

So, life still sucks - but codeine is fucking awesome.

[skier]

Our connection had dried up, so when Dave said that a real friendly dude approached him in the bathroom at the bar, we jumped on it.

Dude says 'it's in my trunk' so we go out to the lot. Oh, but his car is elsewhere. We offer to give him a ride. Duh. I sit in the backseat.

Dude bums a cig and takes tobacco out, puts something else in, lights up, and offers to share. Being at total pothead, I smoke it without question. Dude gives me a buncha drug-lookin stuff I would never ingest (no green) 'for free'. I'm feelin fucked up and also starting to get worried.

Meanwhile Dude is giving Dave directions... to an atm. Now he wants $ from us, and Dave is broke. Dude comes into the vestibule to watch me try to use the atm. It occurs to me then that I am in danger and should just give him the cash. I do so.

So I paid $60 to smoke crack with a junkie and get the shit scared out of me. Dumbass.

[skier]

I suppose my ex-girlfriend's new boyfriend has a lot of time on his hands. One day he decides to call me up to start some trouble. I answer the phone: "hello?"

"hey im really enjoying your girl since you broke up"

*ouch* my pride... then my reply:

"thats nice, are you also enjoying my herpes?"

"what?"

>click<

[skier]

we were coming back from a marathon drinking session, a sober girl driving, who would very kindly occassionaly reach over & fiddle with my equipment. Chris & Jane were in the backseat, drunk as skunks, having a little fiddle them selves. "pull over Sal, i need to piss" i drunkenly slurred. Sal found a suitable spot, pulled in & parked up. i practically fell out of the car & weaved my way across the grass to the fence, where i proceeded to have the worlds longest piss. 30 seconds into this huge piss i was joined by Chris & Jane. Jane clutched the top of the fence, bent double & began to very noisily vomit. Chris stood behind her & very gently gathered in her long blond hair to the back of her neck to prevent it dangling in the stream of vomit. even in my drunken state & under these bizarre circumstances i got a warm fuzzy feeling & thought "awww, isn't love grand ?". Chris then lent foward & said "i'm going to squeeze your tits now, ok ?"

[skier]

Crazybitch's husband came home from his longest busines trip yet. I decided to lay low and not do anything to her for a while, in case he came back more of a cranky asshole than usual.

Well, he did, as evidenced by the three cop cars that got called to their domestic disturbance reunion.

I just sat on the porch with a six pack, watching the show and giggling. Thank you, officer, for annoying them more than I ever could.

And now that they're out of their house for a while....hmmm.

[skier]

Yes, I can see you staring at my boobs.

Yes, I know they're there, and I know they're worth looking at.

Yes, I can see that my intelligent conversation isn't nearly as riveting as the two mounds on my ribcage.

No, I'm not terribly offended.

Why do you think I wear such tight/lowcut shirts?

"If you've got 'em, flaunt 'em."

Best advice I've ever been given.

[skier]

I've found the perfect solution to these two-ton Shamuettes who keep sitting in front of me at the movies, their hair piled up in some wanna-be native goddess tower with gaudy fake flowers in it.... soon as I get a seat I like, I pour some of my soda into the three nearest seats in the row in front of me. Yeah, it's a waste of good soda, but for that extra bit of screen view, it's worth it.

[skier]

Car Reviews We Never Finished #1

The Amphicar was built from 1961 to 1968, and is powered on land by a 43-horsepower four-cylinder engine. In the water, the engine is coupled to twin propellers, and the vehicle becomes a modestly powered boat.

When it first came out, an Amphicar was tested in New York Harbor by Car and Driver magazine, which decided that it wasn't a very good car, or a very good boat.

That evaluation still raises a touch of defensiveness among Amphicar owners: "It handles on the highway better than any other boat, and floats better than most cars..."

[skier]

Never stand in the bed of a pickup truck and pee off the back while the pickup is on the freeway.

You see, when a car or truck cuts through the air, it creates a vaccuum behind it, which in turn creates wind that will blow the piss right back in your face.

But if you do decide to engage in this moist activity, do it in a rent-a-tux after the driver's wedding.

[skier]

I called her crying and she attempted to comfort me through her boyfriend's cock her her mouth.

Didn't work.

It was funny though.

Later.

[skier]

Sitting in the car before I could drive, engine running, lights on in the grocery store parking lot while Mom shops.

Busy night, cars stalking each other about for the next open spot. I grin to myself and climb over to the drivers seat.

Making sure the emergency brake is on, as well as making sure my foot is firmly on the brake pedal, I shift in and out of reverse as several cars drive behind us.

[skier]

A few years ago i had four friends who had a great hang-out house. Not quite big enough for a party house, but there'd generally be ten or twenty people hanging out on any given weekend.

They had a beer bong, which i hadn't seen since college - three years before. It was a huge novelty for me, because i have a giant tolerance and i'm not usually in the mood to sip something. No matter what type of upitty expensive beer those guys had purchased, i'd bong a few.

I peer pressured the hell out of everyone there to take beer bongs. The guys that lived there were all push overs, so i could usually scream a few obscenities or threaten them in some way and they'd cave in and hit the beer bong.

"Uggghhh - what the hell was that cinnamon.... shit, did you put Goldschlager in here again?"

I preferred a beer + a shot of something, so naturally i assumed that's what everyone else would want.

Try it sometime. That harshness that you usually get from taking a shot of Goldschlager is replaced with a fairly mild cinnamon aftertaste.

[skier]

it becomes apparent just how sad my existence has become when i realise that the high point of my day was when i got an extra 30c cone at the drive thru.

SCORE!

[skier]

I am a bartender.

I took some drinks over to a woman and as I sat them on the table, I knocked over a pot of artificial flowers which landed right on the woman's breasts.

"It's a good thing they're fake!" I blurted.

She got really offended.

I guess she was hoping for real flowers.

[skier]

So I'm ringing up the ex-coke head and the total is like $20.69. He automatically says "I'm all about that 69 part. Hell, I'd 69 with a snake if I could find a park ranger to hold it down."

I just smirked and nodded.