The Longest Thread Ever!

[skier]

As a teenager I used to regularly take the bus to my mom's apartment in Alameda, and there was this guy I'd flirt with. He was clearly a loser - about 30, wanna-be-rock-star with a day job, blazer and jeans and rocker hair. Plus he was riding the bus, which was a loser thing to do. But I was bored, there in the suburbs, and he was really pretty hot once you got past the style issues. One day I let him follow me home, and we fucked like animals in my mom's living room. It was fun - I learned all sorts of new things - but when it was over I just wanted him out. He feigned romantic intentions, felt bad that he couldn't give me his number because it turns out he was married.

I felt sorry for his wife.

[skier]

one of my friends was nearly convinced by several guys having a bachelor binge to give them her thong for $200. i can't imagine why she didn't, but she didn't. they told her that someone had already given them a bra.

when she got home and related this story to her roommate, who had also been downtown that night, the roommate said "uhm..." and pointed at her not-concealed-by-a-bra nipples.

[skier]

I just spent the last 4 hours trying my hardest not to laugh as me and my fire crew tried to remove a drunk guy from one of those coin operated rides at the local walmart. He cried when we got out the jaws/cutter.

[skier]

my new favorite bumper sticker:

Guns Kill People

LIKE SPOONS

Made Rosie O'Donnell Fat

[skier]

Holding up his first two fingers, he proclaimed, "Dood, I just got laid. Smell my fingers." My roommate responsed by going to the bathroom and give the idiot a few minutes to forget the conversation. He then brought the subject up again with, "Yeah, I got laid too. Smell MY fingers." Said idiot did just that and had the smell of butthole wiped neatly across his upper lip.

[skier]

i once accidentally (and i've no idea now how the accident came about) dropped a handful of smarties (the little cellophane wrapped packages) into a freshly opened 20oz sprite. it foamed up a cork-popped champagne bottle.

held up next to a dorm shower and aimed at the person taking the shower inside, it produces a splendid effect.

[skier]

When I was 13 I went around my yard shooting a .22 rifle with a scope at every bird and rodent I could find. I killed a bird that was in my bird feeder and the top of its skull exploded leaving a small amount of goo inside of the thing. At this point I realized that I needed to clean all of the corpses up before my parents got home or I would get my ass kicked.

I came across this one bird that was still sort of alive and I was all freaked out so I quickly stomped on it like 40 times until I knew it was toast. As I was doing this my dad's truck came pulling in the yard and I went running for the house, ran upstairs and threw the gun in the closet.

This is when I noticed the guts I had trailed on the carpet.

[skier]

While lying under a carnival trailer late at night to fold up the legs, a man and woman walked around to the back, but didn't see me. The guy looked both ways and said "S' ok hon, go ahead. Nobodys looking".

She lifted her skirt and squated down about 2 feet away and pissed right toward my face. They never saw me.

At fourteen, it wasn't the best first sexual encounter one might want, but hey, it sure cleared up a lot of mysteries.

[skier]

We were at a friends house and they have the invisible fence thing... which I guess hurts... cause my friend Mark put on the collar and ran full speed at the "fence" and fell down in pain the second he hit it.

It was even funnier when he tried it again two minutes later.

... did I mention we were drunk and high?

[skier]

Okay, so I usually masturbated maybe once a day, on a regular basis. At some point I get myself a new girlfriend, and she's totally awesome.

For some reason I just stop masturbating. I just didn't feel like it anymore. And since my girlfriend and I weren't doing sexual stuff yet, this meant I wasn't getting any orgasms, but I didn't really care.

Fast forward a week or so, and I feel pretty good about not having masturbated in such a long time. One night I decide, oh hell, it's about time I masturbate again, and that's what I do.

There I was thinking that it was going to feel very good. WRONG. When I come I usually don't squirt my stuff very far or in unexpected directions, so I was totally unprepared.

This time however, I FUCKING EXPLODED all over fucking EVERYTHING, and it HURT.

Yes, that's right, I came so hard IT HURT. And on top of that, I had to clean all that shit up.

I'm just glad I didn't wait for my girlfriend to get me off. Man, imagine the disaster if I had exploded like that in her face.

So fuck that, I'm gonna masturbate on a regular basis again.

[skier]

Blondie Moments; The 14 Year-old Son

Sitting around the happy Easter Sunday table, he: “So the news from me is that Britney’s pregnant…”

Blondie chokes on her ham. Her mother takes it more calmly.

Son continues, grinning like an idiot: “Oh, I meant Britney Spears, not my Britney…”

He’s a nice kid, but I still disrespect him for dating a Britney…

- LowBrowLimbo@hotmail.com

[skier]

POW Dentistry 101

Living in the Japanese POW camp at Changi, Singapore, there were little or no medical supplies.

So when my dad needed a tooth extracted, the good camp dentist, working with what he had, selected his instrument of choice for extraction: a pair of pliers.

Next, from all the available anasthetics, he chose two big military police, one on each side, to hold him down.

Halfway through the procedure, my dad realized something was wrong. There was no way to communicate that, however, since he was already screaming.

The bad tooth was fused to another one, so a large chunk of his jaw got ripped out.

Fast-forward four years. Back in Blighty, free at last, my dad walks into a dentist's office, sits down, points to all of his teeth, and says: "Get rid of them."

- LowBrowLimbo@hotmail.com

[skier]

Over confiedent Vegan:

Her:its great.. not that i am on a totally biological diet, no preserviatives and all that i only have to shower every other day!

Me: Wanna make a wager on that sprouts..

[skier]

"How are you today?" the drugstore cashier said cheerfully.

I threw the home pregnancy test on the counter.

"Not. Good."

- redeyedfrenzy@aol.com

Some guy off here e-mailed me requesting a picture.

I obliged.

He hasn't written back.

Works everytime.

- redeyedfrenzy@aol.com

[skier]

What kind of MORON puts "2hot4u@hotmail.com" on their resume??

Is it so hard to register another hotmail account with a better name? It's fucking FREE!

[skier]

Now that I'm married I have recently realized that I wish my wife's breasts were larger. Just a cup size larger. She'd be so hot with some bigger tits. I never really thought of it before, but seeing her tits all the time over and over even more.. I just wish there were bigger.

She does like it when I fuck her in the ass though so I guess it's a tradeoff.

[skier]

Then my dad asked me how much a dime bag was thease days. Promptaly after he asked this he reminded me that drugs are bad.

[skier]

According to a story in yesterday's paper (30/4/04), NASA is considering chemically castrating male astronauts that would go on a mission to Mars. Seems that, given it's a 3 year round trip and the crew would likely include a couple of females, sexual frustration could build up and cause problems in the group dynamic.

Being an astronaut just became a whole lot less cool.

[skier]

Tales of a Cashier

So there are cops in the store today. Cops are always a somewhat noticed thing in our small town. It usually means something is going down.

Apparently a kid was selling acid infront of the store. Kroger stocks everything these days.

As he is being led to the car I see him. Yep I know him. And to top it off he is in his full white trash glory. Blue camo shorts, no shirt, ugly tattoo on his chest, and a grody goatee. Way to go class of 05.

[skier]

one of my floormates has one of those "fleshlight" fake 'gine sex toys. He's a pretty lonely guy.

I bet he wasn't expecting there to be IcyHot in it on april fools day.

those were womanly screams.





ahahahahhahahahahaha
oh god that was a good one

[skier]

We were talking, laughing and having a good time when she says "SHHH" and lets out a huge fart.

I ended up fucking her.

I love that girl.

- thisaddressaint

[skier]

The barrel touched against one of my fillings and made a funky taste like I'd always heard you get from tinfoil in your mouth, and it started me laughing. That was a close one.

[skier]

If you're going to get drunk at a friends place for new years

waking up with your pants around your ankles on the floor

driving 45 minutes to home while possibly having the worst case of alcohol poisoning you've ever had

getting home around noon, greeting your parents, trying to stay balanced

attempting to look completely normal while telling them you were absolutely positively extrememely responsible the night before

Don't be wearing a checkered shirt. The large amount of dried vomit blends right on in, far too well.

[skier]

my mom pushed her down and into the cat box,saying dont you dare hit my son while he is past out,seeing her trying to wipe sand and cat feces of her sonic youth shirt is still one of the funniest things I have ever seen.

[skier]

When I watch TV, my eyes glaze over and my tongue sticks out, and all of the muscles in by body become limp and lifeless. It takes an incredible amount of energy to break me out of this state. Once, I completely missed a five-point-something earthquake because I was watching TV. I'm pretty sure it's because I grew up without TV - I was not trained to cope with the excessive stimulus from a young age like most of my peers.

Anyway, someone once took a picture of me in my TV-watching stupor, and showed it to me. Wow, that was embarrassing. I'll never be able to run for president!

[skier]

I dated my last boyfriend for the sole purpose of marijuana. His mom was dating this guy who had a constant supply of really good shit, and his mom would sometimes buy us alcohol, too.

When his mom broke up from the pothead, it only took a few weeks for me and my boyfriend to break up too. Coincidence? Unlikely.

I stole stuff from him, too.

[skier]

so I just read this post about a guy who pretended to be a lesbian and talk in lesbian chat rooms. ha.

Back in college, (purely for the amusement of my fraternity), I would occasionally pretend (in chat rooms) to be a horny lesbian who couldn't find any chicks to have cybersex with. So instead, I'd talk to guys to straight chat rooms, explaining that I was a lonely lesbian and ask them to pretend to be girls and have cybersex with me. I told them I could only get off if they really convinced me they were horny girls. Man, you wouldn't believe the number of guys I made type "my pussy is so wet for you, shove your strap-on up my ass"

Haha, Lots of weird fuckers in this world.

[skier]

When you ask someone to marry you you shouldnt do it mid-sex.

Especially if its anal sex.

[skier]

Last year, got drunk, but, I'm only 17.

Not only did I get drunk, but, I got slobbering drunk. In front of my parents.

I couldn't fucking keep my head up right...

One of the upsides to being a total and utter jackass all the time?

Your parents can't tell the difference between wasted and a goofy mood.

[skier]

Two guys walked by me, one says to the other, "Man, this going commando style thing is really starting to give me a rash."

[skier]

So I've worked at a gas station before. 4 years in fact. Don't worry - it's because my parents are in the biz - they own a couple. Anyways - I read a moment about bic lighters and the different colors, and it reminded me of a moment:

So I like to play with the bic lighters I have at said gas station - there's all sorts of colors and designs - depicting all sorts of sports and various activities. I would play with them all in a row, lighting probably 10 or so up at a time, creating quite nice flames. It never occured to me that it was inside. So I was doing this activity once, and I was only half paying attention - so I ended up burning all the hair off of the knuckles on my hand - then setting off the smoke alarm. Being as close to the fire station as this gas station was - they came over with a fire truck, expecting a fire - fire chief (who I knew pretty well, as well as all the other people in that town) saw my burnt knuckles and just laughed. I gave them all drinks on the house. Later, he asked me if I sold the lighters I emptied all the fluid out of by playing with them to people. Why wouldn't I?

[skier]

While attending university in upper Manhattan (Washinton Heights) I once went with a friend late at night to a local bodega.

He said, "Watch this...I'm gonna score some rum".

I'm like, "Dude, the liquer store has been closed for hours and all they sell here is beer."

He proceeds to ask the guy behind the bullet proof screen for some rum. The guy shakes his head and says, "no sell rum...jus beer."

Not at all discouraged by the answer, my friend plops down a $20 in the sliding drawer in the divider and like magic, a bottle of rum appears from behind the counter, and is shoved through the revolving bullet proof window.

As we walked out, he explained that it was a lot like when we were in high school and were trying to get girls to put out...they wanted to put out, but honor required that they say no a few times before they could let you have what you wanted.

Bodegas in NY have everything you could ever want, but the 'rules' require that they first say no.

Go figure.

[skier]

Leg* (short for "Legend") Says, "Hell yeah taco bar's coming up. For $2.75 you get a 32-ounce beer and all-you-can-eat tacos. Then on Bronco games, you get free shots when they score a touchdown. It would be perfect if they could get chicks there."

It would be perfect if they could get chicks there. Sounds like my life.

[skier]

I met this woman who was like 75 years old, but had really big tits. She gave me her phone number, and I called her a coupla weeks later. I went to visit her, and she had several easy listening favorites from the fifties stacked on her console stereo. After they all finished playing she took me to her bedroom and gave me a fantastic blowjob. Her tits looked pretty old, though.

[skier]

"I'm gonna take a quick shower, I feel dirty."

"Aiite, I'm gonna go rub one out."

"At least you're honest."

[skier]

Me: So you put Icy-Hot on your cock?

Alex: Yeah.

Me: Why?

Alex: I don't know. Seemed like a good idea at the time.

Me: So, did it hurt?

Alex: Oh....yeah, I couldn't walk right for a day. Don't ever do it.

Me: Good to know...

[skier]

They say the fluid in the bursa sack of the knee is the worlds best lubricant.

Has anyone ever tried masturbating with that stuff? I'd imagine you'd get one hell of an orgasm.

[skier]

I have decided against taking Midol this month because "the pain makes me feel human."

Is that fiction-teenage-novel or what?

[skier]

Have you ever been riding the bus and had your mind wander. One day my mind wandered to the subject of sex. Me being the horny bastard hadn't noticed that my jimmy stood up. That was the day I forgot to do up my zipper.

[skier]

A
Trying to Be Helpful With Cops Who Carry Guns

Fresh off the boat about two weeks before, I'm finally let loose alone in America, driving my girlfriend/fiancee's American car on the funny side of the road, with a whole day ahead of me to explore this strange land. The car is enormous, with air conditioning, which is just astonishing! And ridiculously overpowered (what we're talking about here is a relatively tiny 4.2 litre Dodge Dart with the famous Slant Six engine).

Having immediately smashed a brand-new Alfa Romeo head on into a police car on my first attempt at driving over here, I constantly repeat the mantra: "Left is wrong; Right is right..." (Unlike earrings, as I discover years later.)

I'm in Boulder, CO, and the Flatirons are soaring out of the plains, inviting me to try out some real mountains, not those piddly little Scottish molehills, but since I've only been here a week, and I'm already a mile high and gasping constantly, I decide I'd like to see what the Plains look like. Like -- just how flat can the world get?

(A week later, I took up the Flatiron invitation, drove up to 12,500 feet, and with the car wheezing and stalling, and me doing the same, we both passed out. Cop found us, fed me some oxygen, twiddled with my carburettor, pointed downward. I took his advice.)

I'm starting to feel comfortable driving here, and getting used to the different rules, like you can turn right even on red!

Sitting at the light at an enormous twenty-lane intersection, I belatedly realize that I should turn right, so I check to see if it's safe, and take off.

Hey! Police sirens over here sound exactly like they do in the movies!

Cop: "Licence and registration, please."

Jeesus Christ! This guy has a gun on his hip! What a strange fucking country this is!

I fumble for my International driver's licence, while asking: "What is a 'registration?'"

He doesn't like that, at all. His mirror sunglasses glint ugly at me. Then I hand him my enormous, weird, multipaged International driver's license, and he suddenly realizes that what he has here is a foreign ignoramous.

He takes his mirror glasses off, and I can see him thinking about the pages and pages of shit he'd have to fill out if he busts me (what I'd done was turn right from the leftmost lane of three).

He lets me go, and I drive off, but before I've gone ten yards, I glance in the rear view mirror and notice something is dripping on the ground out of his engine.

I'm a helpful chap, so I stop, walk back to his car (he doesn't notice me -- he's busy filling out an incident report or some shit like that). I look under his car, and realize that what's pouring out is a mixture of oil and antifreeze. That combination is an engine death sentence, unless he turns it off right now. He has his head down, scribbling away, so I knock on his window.

He glances up, realizes he's been taken by surprise, and goes into automatic mode. It would take too long to get his gun out of the holster on his hip, so what I get in my face is his instantly-available sawn-off shotgun.

Never had a gun pointed at me before. Welcome to America. I'm terrified, but I motion to him to roll the window down, and tell him his engine is in trouble, and he should take a look. He tells me to stand ten yards away, gets out with his shotgun never pointing anywhere but at my guts, bends down, sees the disaster going on, quickly shuts everything down, looks at me strangely, and asks: "Why'd you come back to tell me that?"

I shrug: "Wouldn't anyone?"

He smiles at me, says: "Boy, you haven't been here long, have you?"

Welcome to America.

- LowBrowLimbo@hotmail.com