|
Embrace your ill favored visage, get in touch with your inner curmudgeon, and start being a real rat bastard.
My blowup doll sprung a leak. |
Live underwater.
My hand jerks wildly when touching my special area |
Think of your mother -that'll make it stop.
My mother is hot. |
Think of Zeraph's Mom (sorry.)
I'm rude, crude and socially unacceptable. |
Run for public office as a man of the people. You might even get elected president.
Every night I have a strange dream about a busty, naked, green woman with lobster claws who wants to be intimate with me. |
boil some water and keep large rubber bands near the bed.
I have terrible gas. Really, it's quite noxious. |
Either lay off the beans, or make sure you also eat corn and chilis with them Actually, seriously, the combination of the three will keep the beans from giving you gas, allow the corn to digest, and take the burn out of the chilis on the back end.
Now I have "Dirty Love" stuck in my head. (The way your momma make that fuzzy poodle do.) |
Turn up "So Fresh, So Clean" by Outkast
My foot's asleep. |
Dip it in gasoline and light it up. Nothin' like fire to get the blood flowing.
I'm in complete denial of the chaos and tragedy in my life. |
write a country song, drink some whiskey, relax and enjoy it.
I can't do the things that I know that I should. |
Stop shoulding all over yourself.
I've got cat scratch fever. |
Try shaving down there, I hear it helps.
I have a hawaiian disease called Lakanuki |
of course.....get some nuki...repeat if necessary
I have a low down dirty feeling. |
Douche.
My head hurts, my feet stink, and I don't love Jesus. |
Turn down the stereo, yank off those Python boots and don't worry, Jesus thinks you're a jerk.
my nose is running... |
Snort something pasty up there!
My hands are sweaty, my knees are weak I can't eat, and I can't sleep. |
Get to the hospital quick... looks like ebola. Try getting there before you crash and bleed out, they know how to clean it up better'n most people. Or it could be love... whatever.
I'm damn cold. |
Sleep with your socks on. It works for Daoust!!!
My sinuses are leaking a flourescent yellow liquid uncontrollably, at this moment. |
bottle it!! You've found the solution to our energy crisis!!
I have this uncontrollable urge to stab myself in the chest. |
Stab somebody else in the back and your urge will go away.
Got an urge got a surge and it's out of control Got an urge I wanna purge 'cause I'm losing control |
Then I guess you should whip it. Whip it good.
My back's awful stiff. |
rub your ears.
No, really. Do it. Now. I'm on a slippery slope. |
Better hold on to that strawman.
I feel fuckin stupid. |
Stop feeling yourself, you could go blind.
I'm so persnickety. |
All you require is the deep, penetrating love of a good hamburger.
My right thumb is really messed up. |
Deeply penetrate that thumb into a hamburger.
I am bigger than a hotdog. |
They plump when you cook 'em so cook 'em 'til they plump.
I used 'plump' twice in one sentence and with only a single punctuation mark. |
Try this: "They plump when you cook 'em, so cook 'em 'til they plump."
I feel kinda burned out. |
relight yourself with gasoline
I am messy |
Clean your damn room, or get your girlfriend to do it.
Nobody is playing my games |
Quote:
Simply install some very sproingy springs on both your sides and your front and back; when you fall, you shall rebound to an upright position! :D |
I swear, I meant to edit my previous post, not double-post... >_<
Might as well put it to good use then! Quote:
And now for my malady: My thumbs have swollen to triple their normal size. What should I do? |
Take up extreme Hitch-hiking!
I've got 57 channels and nothing on. (w00t! Glad this one is back!) |
Turn on the set. Being nekkid doesn't influence your cable channels.
I have a worry wart. |
rub honey on it
i got hair growing on the bottom of my foot |
Start whacking off with your <i>hands</i>. Sicko. :D
My computer has rhinovirus. |
Preparation H will reduce your computer's virus to the size of a large dog.
My RAM has no ewes. |
spelt it RUM...
now its got a U i got a green thumb |
Wait till St Patricks day and take part in the parade.
I've got hammer toes. |
Start hammering some nails.
I have way too much time. |
Since time is money, yoyu should give me our money, and then you won't have so mych time.
I was buggered by Texans and Arabs at the gas station. |
I've found that a good remedy is to leave my knickers on whilst pumping petrol.
Whenever I see a monkey masturbate at the zoo, I get a headache. |
The monkey is obviously attracted to you. This is a normal reaction when you are not in the *mood*.
I can't find my third eye. |
Check behind your couch cushions.
My cat's breath smells like cat food. |
Start eating cat food yourself. It's cheap and you won't notice the smell after a period of acclimatation.
My elbow looks funny. |
erase the picture of the clown you drew on it.
i have a hairy tongue. |
Shave it regularly. Better yet, use a dipilatory cream twice daily.
I seem to have misplaced my sense of youthful optimism. |
Jump in mud puddles.
I have no depth perception. |
Use your third eye and triangulate.
I am jonesing for a Big Turk http://www.nestle.ca/en/Products/Bro...view=BrandView |
Take 2 tablespoons of MoM, it'll cure your jones.
I've got the fever for the flavor of a Pringle. |
Get thee to the nearest 7/11. Get naked. Scream, "I love Pringles! I love Peter Pringle!!" Then jump on the nearest chip display. (works for me every time).
I think my brain is stuck in gear. |
A KY enema will loosen you up.
I hate contankerous old men. |
You must learn to love yourself. I have some KY left over... it makes the lovin' easy.
My eyes are dim, I can not see. |
open them, you can't see through closed eyelids.
I've got the case of the heebie-jeebies. |
Add a case of beer and you can party.
People hate me because I am beautiful. (Name that ad) |
But gee your hair smells terrific. Just use Panteen.
My hair smells like crisco |
You say that like it's a bad thing... OK. Here's what your're going to do. Dip your head slowly into a deep fryer. Hold there until crispy. Trust me it's all the rage.
I have a waxy buildup on my butt. |
I go get it, I'm going there next week.
I got phantom pains from my appendix surgery. |
give Casper some Tylenol
You can't stop rock 'n' roll. |
Why would you want to?
I have tinnitus... |
eh? pardon?!? You need a TIN OPENER?
Can you speak up a bit - I can't hear you over the ringing in my ears. |
answer the mobile you dropped in there last time u used it...
my nose is turning green... |
Your supposed to smell the flowers, not the leaves
I'm out of ideas |
Borrow a cup from the neighbours
I can't find my inhibitions |
There they are.
I have amnesia |
Forget about it.
My coffee doesn't taste the way it should. |
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