Favourite Insults
 

I ABSOLUTELY did a search for this first. Nothin' showed up so here goes.

I'm interested in stealing some crazy and inventive insults to use on my friends/irritating audience members/annoying customers.

Somewhere, some time ago I saw the phrase "Ass Hat". Now I think this is genius, but it doesn't sound right in my accent (London, England, innit).

So come along, now, what have you got to show me, TFP? Inventive and ridiculous are the watch words...

Douche bag! :lol:

Nahice! Oh the imagery!

Keep em coming...

Saw a comedian a while back who's name I can't remember that said he tried to come up with great comebacks for people and one of them was this.

"Hey man! YOUR COCK IS DEAD!!! It's fuckin DEAD!!"

I thought that was fuckin brilliant. Couldn't stop laughing and will never forget it. Too bad I don't know what the guys name is. I like to throw that one in every now and then. I'm really good at insults so I'll return with some of my favorites.

Asta!!

www.ultimateflame.com

You swine. You vulgar little maggot. Don't you know that you are pathetic? You worthless bag of filth. As we say in Texas, I'll bet you couldn't pour piss out of a boot with instructions on the heel. You are a canker. A sore that won't go away. I would rather kiss a lawyer than be seen with you.

You are a fiend and a coward, and you have bad breath. You are degenerate, noxious and depraved. I feel debased just for knowing you exist. I despise everything about you. You are a bloody nardless newbie twit protohominid chromosomally aberrant caricature of a coprophagic cloacal parasitic pond scum and I wish you would go away.

You're a putrescence mass, a walking vomit. You are a spineless little worm deserving nothing but the profoundest contempt. You are a jerk, a cad, a weasel. Your life is a monument to stupidity. You are a stench, a revulsion, a big suck on a sour lemon.

You are a bleating fool, a curdled staggering mutant dwarf smeared richly with the effluvia and offal accompanying your alleged birth into this world. An insensate, blinking calf, meaningful to nobody, abandoned by the puke-drooling, giggling beasts who sired you and then killed themselves in recognition of what they had done.

I will never get over the embarrassment of belonging to the same species as you. You are a monster, an ogre, a malformity. I barf at the very thought of you. You have all the appeal of a paper cut. Lepers avoid you. You are vile, worthless, less than nothing. You are a weed, a fungus, the dregs of this earth. And did I mention you smell?

If you aren't an idiot, you made a world-class effort at simulating one. Try to edit your writing of unnecessary material before attempting to impress us with your insight. The evidence that you are a nincompoop will still be available to readers, but they will be able to access it more rapidly.

You snail-skulled little rabbit. Would that a hawk pick you up, drive its beak into your brain, and upon finding it rancid set you loose to fly briefly before spattering the ocean rocks with the frothy pink shame of your ignoble blood. May you choke on the queasy, convulsing nausea of your own trite, foolish beliefs.

You are weary, stale, flat and unprofitable. You are grimy, squalid, nasty and profane. You are foul and disgusting. You're a fool, an ignoramus. Monkeys look down on you. Even sheep won't have sex with you. You are unreservedly pathetic, starved for attention, and lost in a land that reality forgot.

And what meaning do you expect your delusionally self-important statements of unknowing, inexperienced opinion to have with us? What fantasy do you hold that you would believe that your tiny-fisted tantrums would have more weight than that of a leprous desert rat, spinning rabidly in a circle, waiting for the bite of the snake?

You are a waste of flesh. You have no rhythm. You are ridiculous and obnoxious. You are the moral equivalent of a leech. You are a living emptiness, a meaningless void. You are sour and senile. You are a disease, you puerile one-handed slack-jawed drooling meatslapper.

On a good day you're a half-wit. You remind me of drool. You are deficient in all that lends character. You have the personality of wallpaper. You are dank and filthy. You are asinine and benighted. You are the source of all unpleasantness. You spread misery and sorrow wherever you go.

I cannot believe how incredibly stupid you are. I mean rock-hard stupid. Dehydrated-rock-hard stupid. Stupid so stupid that it goes way beyond the stupid we know into a whole different dimension of stupid. You are trans-stupid stupid. Meta-stupid. Stupid collapsed on itself so far that even the neutrons have collapsed. Stupid gotten so dense that no intellect can escape. Singularity stupid. Blazing hot mid-day sun on Mercury stupid. You emit more stupid in one second than our entire galaxy emits in a year. Quasar stupid. Your writing has to be a troll. Nothing in our universe can really be this stupid. Perhaps this is some primordial fragment from the original big bang of stupid. Some pure essence of a stupid so uncontaminated by anything else as to be beyond the laws of physics that we know. I'm sorry. I can't go on. This is an epiphany of stupid for me. After this, you may not hear from me again for a while. I don't have enough strength left to deride your ignorant questions and half baked comments about unimportant trivia, or any of the rest of this drivel. Duh.

The only thing worse than your logic is your manners. I have snipped away most of what you wrote, because, well... it didn't really say anything. Your attempt at constructing a creative flame was pitiful. I mean, really, stringing together a bunch of insults among a load of babbling was hardly effective... Maybe later in life, after you have learned to read, write, spell, and count, you will have more success. True, these are rudimentary skills that many of us "normal" people take for granted that everyone has an easy time of mastering. But we sometimes forget that there are "challenged" persons in this world who find these things more difficult. If I had known, that this was your case then I would have never read your post. It just wouldn't have been "right". Sort of like parking in a handicap space. I wish you the best of luck in the emotional, and social struggles that seem to be placing such a demand on you.

P.S.: You are hypocritical, greedy, violent, malevolent, vengeful, cowardly, deadly, mendacious, meretricious, loathsome, despicable, belligerent, opportunistic, barratrous, contemptible, criminal, fascistic, bigoted, racist, sexist, avaricious, tasteless, idiotic, brain-damaged, imbecilic, insane, arrogant, deceitful, demented, lame, self-righteous, Byzantine, conspiratorial, satanic, fraudulent, libelous, bilious, splenetic, spastic, ignorant, clueless, illegitimate, harmful, destructive, dumb, evasive, double-talking, devious, revisionist, narrow, manipulative, paternalistic, fundamentalist, dogmatic, idolatrous, unethical, cultic, diseased, suppressive, controlling, restrictive, malignant, deceptive, dim, crazy, weird, dystopic, stifling, uncaring, plantigrade, grim, unsympathetic, jargon-spouting, censorious, secretive, aggressive, mind-numbing, abrasive, poisonous, flagrant, self-destructive, abusive, socially-retarded, puerile, clueless, and generally Not Good.

Gee- saying 'not the brightest crayon in the box, now are we' somehow seems so lame......

Unclefucker!!

go fuck your hat pal...........

Whorebucket. A bucket filled with the essence of whore.

Also cockbite from RvB is fun to use.

Ass-hat. Ass-clown. Ass-terbater. Spider-dick. Republican.

Pus nuts is always a good one.

Or tell a girl "All you need to do is walk by a wonder bread factory and the bread would rise!"

'penis wrinkle' has always been good for me.

Note: Don't let any of these remarks get pointed at anybody or I'm gonna have to shut this joint down.

Aaawww, we wouldn't do that Mr!

(Sooooo tempted to add a bracketed insult! ;) )

I always use Cock Knocker, but only cause it sounds good.

I'm a fan of "ass cantaloupe", but I'm guessing that an English accent would just make it sound dignified and proper.

"Ass-monger" is one of my fav's.

"Eat penguin shit you ass-spelunker." -- works best when spoken in monotone.

{God I love South Park}

Shitfucker is up there on my list. If you wanna bring out the big guns you can go with vaginal bloodburp or menstrual chunk....those always brighten up peoples days.

I find it's fun when a friend of mine insults someone in a different language. Like Spanish. They may say something witty in reply like "Well if I knew at all what that meant I MIGHT be inclined to be offended by it" or some stupid shit like that but in reality the entire rest of the day they're asking people what the hell that means. Don't believe the bullshit. It bugs em.

Asta!!

Dick-head is my favorite, then Ass-wipe. But I never say these out loud. I just think them to myself when somebody cuts me off and almost runs three people off the road trying to get to McDonalds before they take down the breakfast menu........

^ It is the breakfast menu though. Just about the only edible thing at McDonalds next to the fries.

Asta!!

rumple 4skin

How about butt-slut?

go piss up a rope.............phil used that once before........but he's on holidays...........so i figured i'd chime in w/ that..........on his behalf eh........

once heard one female say to another:


'Shut up, you fat cunt-picker."


one of the harshest insults I've ever heard.


one to use on an ex-gf:

"Smartest thing that ever came out of your mouth was my dick."

Well, my friend used to have a dog that pissed everywhere, so we would call it a piss bag... ^^

Once heard an old woman we worked with tell a guy "KISS MY ASS WHILE I'M FARTING!" I thought that was quite special.

Asta!!

Shit-eyes. I like shit-eyes.

eat me like an oreo cookie...........


or.....lick me today.

Dwad........

"Oh, you blocks, you stones, you worse than senseless things..."

- more or less a direct quote from Bill Shakespeare's Julius Caesar...

Since, brknkybrd stole my favorite insult, I'll have to go with my second favorite.

Slapnuts

Not really sure what it means, or why exactly it's insulting, but it sounds good and it works.

Next time someone is annoying you, just say, 'shutup slapnuts.' I can assure you he/she will feel insulted. :thumbsup:

The one I most frequently use is "Zipperhead". This one can be used in public or mixed company sans faux pas, as opposed to yelling "Cocksucker!" at someone for instance.

yo momma was a ham sandwich!

Slutmonkey, whorebag, dickweed, assmonkey, cuntrag, dirty cuntrag, cunt plug, Dubya.

i liked 'pillow-biter'

Fucktard is probably my personal favorite.

Assclown is always good, and you can be a no-talent assclown as well.

Dicklick or cocksmoke are good male to male insults.

I'm guessing nothing literal has been intended here, but lets lean away from the ones that seem to criticise people's sexuality for the rest of this thread.

OK People?

You bunch of... there're not many left now are there!?

Fanks :thumbsup:

Assbag, Assclown and Douche are personal favs.

You pile of stinking bum crumbs...
 

bum crumbs n.

Kling-ons which have ceased to kling. Usually found in the bed or in the gusset of the trollies.

Viz Profanisaurus