12-01-2003, 09:00 PM
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#1 (permalink)
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The Original JizzSmacka
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SHADOW RULERS BRED EXCLUSIVELY FROM BLUE-RIBBON CONSERVATIVE GEN
Quote:
PRESIDENT ASSURES VOTERS: "SHADOW RULERS BRED EXCLUSIVELY FROM BLUE-RIBBON CONSERVATIVE GENETICS"
Press Briefing by the President
THE PRESIDENT: Good afternoon. As you know, last week saw the cowardly liberal fear mongers of the Jewish-transgender-controlled Washington Post undermine national security by releasing details of my top-secret shadow government, code-named Operation Enduring GOP Reign, and conceived to ensure survival of the Republican party in the event of an election or nukeyular attack by towel-heads, commies, or dog-eaters. Today, in an effort to provide distraction and to ease the minds of any borderline traitors who might doubt the wholly noble and upstanding motives behind this covert undertaking which was intentionally concealed from those busybodies in Congress, I'm here to assure the good people of this great country that each and every last one of your new shadow rulers is being carefully sired by hand-picked, corn-fed breeding stock possessing only the finest in blue-ribbon conservative genetics.
This administration, working closely with the fine folks at the Westminster Dog Show, recognizes the importance of impeccable breeding when it comes to maintaining quasi-authoritarian rule over a glassy-eyed populace during a time of indefinitely extended national unease, which we think gives us better political mileage to call a "war." And that's why one of the cornerstones of my shadow government strategy involves not only recruiting today's finest white Christian ultra-conservatives, but also harvesting their reproductive juices and micro-chunks for the advanced bioengineering of successive generations of über-rulers who look presentable in a Brooks Brothers suit.
How is this accomplished? Quite simple, really. First, we begin by mixing up a potent batch of bio-Republican jelly, made up of a groundbreaking formula containing the combined semen of Senator Strom "Love Bomb" Thurmond, Rush Limbaugh, Ron Reagan Jr., and myself. I'm not at liberty to say how this viscous, Clorox-scented stew comes into being, but up until last week, I always thought the drinking game "Shooters" involved shot glasses. Next, the gooey mix is combined under sterile laboratory conditions with the cryogenically preserved ova of Catherine Harris, Tricia Nixon, Mrs. Ralph Reed, and/or Peggy Noonan. The first three donors kindly came to the White House bunker to be scraped by a panel of volunteer Senators; whereas Peggy's sunny-side-ups were recovered from countless vacuum cleaner bags subpoenaed from companies hired to clean office furniture throughout Midtown Manhattan and parts of New Jersey. Voters will also be pleased to learn that upon arriving to donate eggs to the program, Ms. Candice Gingrich, Ms. Mary Cheney, and Ms. Chastity Bono were driven off the premises by armed guards, then given one-way F-16 air escorts to the Isle of Lesbos. But I digress. Back to science. The resulting embryos, each of which is guaranteed safe from stem cell research, are implanted in carefully selected (blonde) Republican National Committee interns, gestated and delivered in the Post-Apocalypse Republican Continuity Chamber of the Nebraska subterranean White House, then entered into a rigorous course of lifetime schooling featuring stringent curricula specially developed by the trustees of Bob Jones University. By the time they are 16 years old, not only will they be 750% more competent than today's Democratic Congressmen, they will in fact be ruling the world.
I trust that this information will assuage any fears or insecurities of decent, patriotic Americans. Any persons still questioning the legitimacy or intentions of Operation Enduring GOP are strongly advised to run out an rob a few liquor stores, since they are going to wind up in prison anyway - and might as well have some fun before the inevitable knock on their door by a federal police force that is also a big secret, which - cross my heart, hope to die, stick a needle in my eye - I will not reveal to you today.
Thank you, and God Bless.
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http://www.whitehouse.org/news/2002/030402.asp
So President Bush anticipates the apocalypse?
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Never date anyone who doesn't make your dick hard.
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