Onion Headlines You Would Like To See
 

Anybody that's cool reads the Onion on a weekly basis (because, you see, there is only one edition per week). However, I often think of headlines I would like to see on this fine publication, as well as the sort of articles its authors would write about them. So, this is a call to all avid Onion readers out there, please share some of your headlines with all of the Tilted folk!

Here are some of mine:

- Area Voodoo Priest Out of Mojo, Juju
- Horny Toothfairy Wants Cavity Filled
- Bald Spot Flaunted
- Sugar Daddy Sours Relationship
- Bird Flipped Off
- Area Bus Driver Hugs Woman With Exact Change
- Clown College Offers "Coping With Gloss" Course

Here are some more!

- Ask an Affable Government Clerk
- Couch Moved From Curb To Porch
- Point-Counterpoint: Tony Danza "Who's the Boss?" vs. Bruce Springsteen "I'm the Boss."
- Lactose Intolerant Aunt Really Milking It
- Donkey Punched
- Mellon Balled
- Area Restaurant Claims Special Sauce: "More Than Just Mayo and Ketchup"
- Trucker Cap Fad Forces Truckers To Switch To Fedorahs

- Pope confirms his Catholicism
- College of Cardinals elects Pope George Ringo
- Texas gets over insecurity. Says, "OK, you can mess with us now."
- Weather from Point Barrow: Jesus H. Keeerist! It's fucking COLD!
- Australians begin to think of themselves as "Up Over".
- Money maker shaken in dance disaster.
- First fans line up to purchase Star Wars, episode 3 tickets.
- Area man concerned about deforestation, bear lavatories.
- Who let the dogs out? Police apprehend suspect.

Some that relate to your first one:
- Area Mojo still out of work
- Mojo rises while stocks, bonds fall