Ten Geekiest Hobbies - Tilted Forum Project Discussion Community

bermuDa · 10-14-2003, 04:39 PM

http://www.thewavemag.com/printartic...rticleid=24184

and those for the left-click challenged:

Quote:

Dorkstorm: The Annihilation
The ten geekiest hobbies
By Seanbaby

You can tell a lot about a person from the hobbies they choose, especially if it requires them to be tied to a bathtub full of hot dogs with a panel of judges and a proctologist with a tape measure watching. But enough about coin collecting. We’ve contacted renowned experts on geeks, as well as many actual geeks, to compile this list of the dorkiest things you can do with your time. Each activity will be ranked on both how badly it humiliates the participant and how negatively it affects his or her sex life. These are not rough estimates. These are scientific facts based on the research done by captive supergeniuses working in controlled conditions with test mice and test mice dressed like tiny wizards.

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10. Comic Books
Public Humiliation: 49.5%
Our studies show that comic book geeks are normally solitary, but engage in very noisy arguments when gathered in numbers. These are usually based on the most recent superhero movie, and how much it sucked. This sucking is always measured in direct relation to the number of continuity problems between it and an issue of The Incredible Hulk, which to be honest, had some problems of its own like the Abrams tank with the completely wrong size smoothbore turret and the Hulk’s hair just all of a sudden being parted the other way! Safety Tip: If your comic book geek isn’t loudly complaining about something, check carefully – you might have blacked out and killed it.
Damage to Sex Life: 68.7%
When you’re finished showing someone your chart of all the ways Magneto’s hat in X-Men 2 was incorrect, it’s going to be a long, uphill battle to then have sex with them. And to make matters worse, the faulty shape of the dong port in the movie’s version of Magneto’s hat will make having sex with it even harder.

Distinguishing Characteristics: Comic book geeks wear a uniform of a faded Green Lantern t-shirt and a confrontationally unkempt appearance.

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9. Role Playing Games
Public Humiliation: 63.4%
Dungeons and Dragons combines the nerdiness of a fantasy setting with the fruitiness of improvisational theatre, and as if that weren’t enough for them to deal with, the rest of us think these people are going to go crazy and kill us. It’s really hard for society to do more to tell you that if you play this game, you’re on your own.
Damage to Sex Life: 78.0%
We weren’t exactly sure on this figure, since a 78% means that there’s still a 22% chance of a woman walking by role players and one of them saying, “A minotaur? Here in the Dungeon of Kajmar!? Very well, I swing my axe of axing at th- why hello there, pretty lady. My name’s Twinkleberry, The Spritish Pegasus. Why, as a matter of fact I AM single.”

Distinguishing Characteristics: An RPGeek either wears a black heavy metal shirt or, in tragic attempts at stylishness, a button-up shirt with a wrap-around dragon and flames.

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8. Scrapbooking
Public Humiliation: 86.2%
Most people tend to avoid scrapbookers in an effort to prevent their photo from being pasted between a floral border along with a word bubble shouting, “Are we having fun yet!” Scrapbookers have an insatiable hunger to date and catalogue precious moments, and many fear that these keepsakes are being collected to one day be used in an evil plan to flood the world with vomit.
Damage to Sex Life: N/A
People who make scrapbooks do not have sex organs like you and me. As required by the Code of the Scrapbookers, after the completion of their first book of cherished memories, surgeons replace their genitalia with paste dispensers.

Distinguishing Characteristics: You’ll know these people because they’re always leading a small parade of their offspring in karate, ballet, scout or soccer uniforms. And according to shocking facts learned from these people’s sweatshirts, their children THINK THEY’RE AN ATM!

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7. Star Wars
Public Humiliation: 82.1%
Before the lame-ass new Star Wars movies, we might have let it go if we saw a Lando Calrissian or an Ewok waiting in line for a movie. Not anymore. Anyone disguised as a Jedi in this day and age had better have been helped into that costume by a caregiver assigned by the state to assist their special needs. Related Trivia Fact: Admiral Ackbar is the guy with the fish head from Return of the Jedi that screams things like, “Shorshenblorg borshchortle!”
Damage to Sex Life: 54.6%
Dressing like Darth Vader creates a number of sexual obstacles. First you have to find someone who doesn’t mind dating the dark lord of geeks, and from this point on the sentence is moot since you won’t, and then they have to safely be able to dig their way through your codpiece of cybernetic space enhancements. Impossible. Plus, the speech that Darth Vader gave to Natalie Portman in Episode II (about how she was so great because she wasn’t like sand) is going to hang over the heads of evil single Jedi for generations. On the other hand, the strict moral code of the good Jedi prevents them from touching naked women with anything other than a light saber. And that, of course, would kill them. On the third hand, I have this theory I’ve been meaning to test that jumping into a room naked and screaming like Chewbacca would be super erotic. Keep in mind, however, that my last theory, “Wouldn’t it be sweet if these were like, FLYING condoms?” went largely ignored by the sex community.

Distinguishing Characteristics: Overweight, casually strolling into the center of the room, and then when you least expect it, bursting into a blinding Jedi combat storm with a golf ball retriever.

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6. Vampirism
Public Humiliation: 90.0%
When enjoying Tim Burton movies and the Cure aren’t enough to express your artistic depression, you turn to vampirism. This type of geek gathers with its kind to simulate vampiric society through a game of milling around and giving each other spooky threats in untraceable fake accents. Beginner’s Tip: The costumes and makeup required for this hobby are elaborate, so if you don’t have time every morning for a Dracula makeover, you can send the same message by just wearing a sign reading, “I hate my parents and my classmates beat me.” To make this slightly more vampiric you may want to add the word “Blah!” at the beginning and end of the sentence.
Damage to Sex Life: 14.9%
One danger of vampiric sex is that many singles within in these communities are actually undercover vampire hunters waiting to jam a stake into you while you’re struggling to untie your corset. Aside from that hazard, though, it’s all good news: The dark creatures breed some pretty sexy people jammed into some skimpy leathery outfits. If you don’t mind making out with someone who, like you, tastes like stage blood and cigarettes, you can lead an exciting sex life of the night.

Distinguishing Characteristics: Vampires are difficult to spot. Keep an eye out for the group of restless magician corpses with simulated human remains dripping from their mouths. One way I’ve found to make sure they’re real vampires is to scream, “Skeletor!” and see if they cheer in agreement.

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5. Collectible Card Games
Public Humiliation: 96.8%
Some experts claim that living a moment of completely pure humiliation is impossible, since that can only be achieved through some kind of lethal masturbation accident. But those experts have never seen the shame on a grown man’s face who’s just been caught by someone he knows playing Pokemon cards with a 10-year-old stranger in a hobby store.
Damage to Sex Life: 89.3%
All the carefully constructed card decks and assault strategies become useless once these geeks discover that a woman’s vagina contains no defending dragon harpies. Ha ha, that’s one of those double ironic jokes, because anyone who took high school biology knows that they actually DO.

Distinguishing Characteristics: This geek is always carrying a backpack, at least one more type of case for emergency miniature statues, and a thick layer of atrophied blubber to drip feed them nutrients.

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4. Everquest
Public Humiliation: 70.1%
Since this game is played over the computer, most people would never know you played it unless you told them. However, if you’ve ever known anyone that’s played Everquest, you know that the part of their brain that allows them to keep the details of their quest for level 8 Vorpal chaps to themselves has long since been destroyed.
Damage to Sex Life: 99.8%
While other geek hobbies act as intercourse repellent, this game is so addicting to its users that it will actually destroy any sex life they might have, through some kind of groin miracle. And with all the male players pretending to be girls to get magical gifts, no one’s inter-gender social skills are going to be finely tuned when or if they ever pull themselves away from imaginary adventuring.

Distinguishing Characteristics: If someone looks like they and their gut have spent the last three days together in the same clothes, and they’re secreting Mountain Dew out of their pores, that’s a good sign of Everquest. The other is the wistful look in their eyes that yearn to gaze upon lizard warriors killing hobbits.

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3. Star Trek
Public Humiliation: 86.2%
These geeks used to be called Trekkies, but now insist on the less derogatory term Trekkers, which is the image control equivalent of adding a koala bear to the Nazi flag. They tend to be unobtrusive, but for every hundred Trekkers polite enough to obsess in their own homes, there’s some bastard singing at the karaoke bar in Klingon and a computer repairman demanding that his coworkers address him by his Starfleet rank. Before you laugh, though, there’s almost assuredly a third one building something that can vaporize your non-Star Trek ass from orbit.
Damage to Sex Life: 93.4%
While it’s true that ladies crave fat men with pointy ears and a strong armpit odor, those green aliens that Kirk used to bone created a standard of beauty for Trekkies that no Earth woman can live up to.

Distinguishing Characteristics: If someone approaching you is more machine than man and threatening to assimilate you, it’s either a Star Trek enthusiast or an android lost in time. Either way, it’s your duty as a human to smash it.

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2. Furries/Plushies
Public Humiliation: 99.95%
Furries are people who dress like animals to have sex with each other, usually without regard for gender of their mate or the species of their costume. If that’s tough to wrap your head around, picture McGruff the Crime Dog coming to your school and humping your mascot’s leg. Plushies have a similar hobby, but instead of having sex with nerds dressed as animals, they consummate their relationships with their stuffed animals. I’m sure you’ve heard of these people; they’re the main reason the Care Bears declared war against us.
Damage to Sex Life: -9.2%
For a plushie out on the prowl, the good news is that barnyard puppets just can’t say no. And as for the furries, they don’t seem to be picky about who they mount. Maybe because they’re ecstatic to find other people with the same debilitating social handicap as themselves, but most likely because everyone looks hot as a six-foot chicken. I mean, who’s with me, how do you not [Censor’s note: you really didn’t want to read this part we cut] all the way into its chicken hole!?

Distinguishing Characteristics: You’ll know furries and plushies because they’ll either be wearing a crotchless panda suit or just a screaming teddy bear firmly against their crotch, respectively.

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1. Live Action Role Playing
Public Humiliation: 100%
Live action role playing, or LARP, is a nerd’s parent’s worst fears come true: Dungeons and Dragons has finally made their child go crazy. These people dress up like fantasy characters and go on adventures where other nerds play the parts of enemy monsters, which would be fine if the participants were in the second grade. When adults do it, it’s like a renaissance faire and backyard wrestling met, had demonic babies, and gave them weapons.
Damage to Sex Life: 100%
If you and your team of paladins are thinking about leaving your mom’s basement to move your fantasy quests into society, you might as well leave your genitals behind.

Distinguishing Characteristics: Aside from the barbarian clothes and giant monster heads, it’s impossible to know who might be LARPing. The only way to be sure is when they throw make-believe fireballs at you from their very fingertips, but by then... it’s already too late.

obelix · 10-14-2003, 04:40 PM

LIGHTNING BOLT!! LIGHTNING BOLT!! LIGHTNING BOLT!!

omega2K4 · 10-14-2003, 04:43 PM

Seanbaby kicks ass.

bundy · 10-14-2003, 04:50 PM

dammit!! i´m going to have to start doing some of these things... i don´t think i´m geeky enough.

Sapper · 10-14-2003, 06:24 PM

Hey ... I play D&D and have NO problem getting the ladies ... so .. the "study" is flawed ... lol.

It's all good though ... it seems that it would fit the stereotypes ... to which I have never been associated with.

Besides ... most women seem to like imaginative men

.. os so that's what they tell me when they bitch about all you boring guys as I pound one out with them.

bermuDa · 10-15-2003, 12:46 AM

sapper, you are clearly an anomaly in the fabric of geek-space-time.

ForgottenKnight · 10-15-2003, 01:08 AM

During High School:
#9 - Shadowrun!
#5 - Knew how to play: Star Trek the Next Generation CCG, Star Wars CCG, Young Jedi CCG (dispite not liking the new star wars movies very much), and a little bit of Majic. Only bought the Star Trek CCG. Borrowed cards to play the other games.
#3 - Trekkie, Trekker, take your pick. I love Star Trek!
#1 - Rarely, but was fun!

Public Humiliation Total: 346.4%
Public Humiliation Average: 86.6%
Damage to Sex Life Total: 360.7%
Damage to Sex Life Average: 90.175%
Sex Life = what's a sex life?

Now:
Don't have time for roleplaying or custimizable card games.
#3 - Still love Star Trek and other Scifi, but don't have much time to watch it anymore due to college and other interests. I make sure I catch Enterprise, or at least tape it, each week.

Sex Life = minimal...and rising...

This one's me: "one building something that can vaporize your non-Star Trek ass from orbit"

I've been working on that for a number of years...

...I dissagree with the descriptions...I never looked like those...

Neato · 10-15-2003, 01:19 AM

I catagorize Nintendo products based on the numbers you can find on (nearly) ever game and accessory... can anyone beat that in geekieness?

Sapper · 10-15-2003, 03:38 AM

Quote:

Originally posted by bermuDa
sapper, you are clearly an anomaly in the fabric of geek-space-time.

Lol!!

It's entirely possible!

And as Werner Heinsenberg would say .. my whereabouts within the fabric can not be known with any certainty.

Now _that_ is a geek thing to say.

I suppose I agree with the stereotypes for the most part. I've even got a few aquaintances whom fit the mould rather well ...

Nice to have the best of both worlds on this one

G5_Todd · 10-15-2003, 04:54 AM

LARP is definatley too funny.....

good read i agree with just about all of em

eple · 10-15-2003, 09:36 AM

Quote:

Originally posted by Sapper
Lol!! It's entirely possible!

And as Werner Heinsenberg would say .. my whereabouts within the fabric can not be known with any certainty. Now _that_ is a geek thing to say.

I suppose I agree with the stereotypes for the most part. I've even got a few aquaintances whom fit the mould rather well ...

Nice to have the best of both worlds on this one

nice try there geek-boy, but we all know that ugly nerd girls don't count. :P

Midnight_Son · 10-15-2003, 11:00 AM

I don’t partake in any of the above mentioned activities…..Therefore, I’m cool……AIGHT?

GSRIDER · 10-15-2003, 11:35 AM

Holy christ... I almost cried reading this

Damage to Sex Life: 100%
If you and your team of paladins are thinking about leaving your mom’s basement to move your fantasy quests into society, you might as well leave your genitals behind.

Sapper · 10-15-2003, 12:24 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by eple
nice try there geek-boy, but we all know that ugly nerd girls don't count. :P

Lol.

.. it's true ... if only I could get away with posting some pics of the girls I am "fuck buddies" with ... lol

Then again, I shouldn't feel the need to prove anything.

riptide4070 · 10-19-2003, 06:38 PM

the list forgot.....

Fencing as a sport and hobbie

oberon · 10-19-2003, 06:47 PM

Ever heard this quote?

"There's lies, damn lies, and statistics."

I daresay this article deserves another look in that light.

debaser · 10-19-2003, 07:06 PM

All Hail Seanbaby!

Astrocloud · 10-19-2003, 10:35 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by GSRIDER
Holy christ... I almost cried reading this

Damage to Sex Life: 100%
If you and your team of paladins are thinking about leaving your mom’s basement to move your fantasy quests into society, you might as well leave your genitals behind.

Like everything -take it with a grain of salt... here is some chick from a Geek club in NJ

quote from her "Darling, do I look like a 'nice' female?"

http://www.knightrealms.com/Gallery/...-Deceased.html

the cool thing about geek girls is that they almost always like geek guys.

Chingal0 · 10-19-2003, 10:42 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by GSRIDER
Holy christ... I almost cried reading this

Damage to Sex Life: 100%
If you and your team of paladins are thinking about leaving your mom’s basement to move your fantasy quests into society, you might as well leave your genitals behind.

Yea, that is too funny.. haha.. nerds.

Lunchbox7 · 10-20-2003, 01:46 PM

I got 5 out of the 10. Astrocloud, is that geeky enough to join your geek club. Almostaugust has just made a film called 'Fantasymen'. It has just been accepted into the local film festival. It is all about how society brands fantasy fans as geeks and relegate them to the edge of society. But they are still cool in their own way because they have the stregnth of character to continue liking what they like. If you all ask him very nicely he might tell you more about it.

Astrocloud · 10-20-2003, 09:02 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by Lunchbox7
Astrocloud, is that geeky enough to join your geek club.

My geek club is far more geekier than anyone who do these "social" kinds of activities. Studying chess, for instance, requires long periods of time doing nothing but reading chess books... At least when you're out in the woods with pretend magic-spells -there are others facilitating your insanity. Like that little wood elf above...

10-14-2003, 04:40 PM	#2 (permalink)
obelix Insane Location: Calgary, AB	LIGHTNING BOLT!! LIGHTNING BOLT!! LIGHTNING BOLT!! __________________ no substance

10-14-2003, 04:50 PM	#4 (permalink)
bundy . Location: Tokyo	dammit!! i´m going to have to start doing some of these things... i don´t think i´m geeky enough. __________________ Ohayo!!!

10-14-2003, 06:24 PM	#5 (permalink)
Sapper Insane Location: The Internet	Hey ... I play D&D and have NO problem getting the ladies ... so .. the "study" is flawed ... lol. It's all good though ... it seems that it would fit the stereotypes ... to which I have never been associated with. Besides ... most women seem to like imaginative men .. os so that's what they tell me when they bitch about all you boring guys as I pound one out with them. __________________ rm -f /bin/laden

10-15-2003, 12:46 AM	#6 (permalink)
bermuDa don't ignore this--> Location: CA	sapper, you are clearly an anomaly in the fabric of geek-space-time. __________________ I am the very model of a moderator gentleman.

10-15-2003, 01:08 AM	#7 (permalink)
ForgottenKnight Jesus Freak Location: Following the light...	During High School: #9 - Shadowrun! #5 - Knew how to play: Star Trek the Next Generation CCG, Star Wars CCG, Young Jedi CCG (dispite not liking the new star wars movies very much), and a little bit of Majic. Only bought the Star Trek CCG. Borrowed cards to play the other games. #3 - Trekkie, Trekker, take your pick. I love Star Trek! #1 - Rarely, but was fun! Public Humiliation Total: 346.4% Public Humiliation Average: 86.6% Damage to Sex Life Total: 360.7% Damage to Sex Life Average: 90.175% Sex Life = what's a sex life? Now: Don't have time for roleplaying or custimizable card games. #3 - Still love Star Trek and other Scifi, but don't have much time to watch it anymore due to college and other interests. I make sure I catch Enterprise, or at least tape it, each week. Sex Life = minimal...and rising... This one's me: "one building something that can vaporize your non-Star Trek ass from orbit" I've been working on that for a number of years... ...I dissagree with the descriptions...I never looked like those... __________________ "People say I'm strange, does that make me a stranger?" Last edited by ForgottenKnight; 10-15-2003 at 06:35 AM..

10-14-2003, 04:43 PM	#3 (permalink)
omega2K4 Natalie Portman is sexy. Location: The Outer Rim	Seanbaby kicks ass.

10-15-2003, 01:19 AM	#8 (permalink)
Neato Insane Location: The Oposite, Inverse of Hell (Wisconsin)	I catagorize Nintendo products based on the numbers you can find on (nearly) ever game and accessory... can anyone beat that in geekieness? Last edited by Neato; 10-15-2003 at 01:27 AM..

10-15-2003, 04:54 AM	#10 (permalink)
G5_Todd Junkie Location: Reichstag	LARP is definatley too funny..... good read i agree with just about all of em __________________ "....and when you men get home and face an anti-war protester, look him in the eyes and shake his hand. Then, wink at his girlfriend, because she knows she's dating a pussy." -General Franks

10-15-2003, 11:00 AM	#12 (permalink)
Midnight_Son The Cover Doesn't Match The Book Location: in a van down by the river	I don’t partake in any of the above mentioned activities…..Therefore, I’m cool……AIGHT? __________________ SWM, tattooed, seeks meaningful tits and beer. Enjoys biker mags, pornography, and Sunday morning walks to the liquor store. Winners of erotic hot dog eating contests given priority.

10-15-2003, 11:35 AM	#13 (permalink)
GSRIDER spurt king Location: Out of my mind	Holy christ... I almost cried reading this Damage to Sex Life: 100% If you and your team of paladins are thinking about leaving your mom’s basement to move your fantasy quests into society, you might as well leave your genitals behind. __________________ No signature at this time.

10-19-2003, 06:38 PM	#15 (permalink)
riptide4070 Addict Location: Boone, NC	the list forgot..... Fencing as a sport and hobbie __________________ "the greatest trick the devil ever pulled, was making the world believe he didn't exist" -Kevin Spacey 'The Usual Suspects'

10-19-2003, 06:47 PM	#16 (permalink)
oberon Quadrature Amplitude Modulator Location: Denver	Ever heard this quote? "There's lies, damn lies, and statistics." I daresay this article deserves another look in that light. __________________ "There are finer fish in the sea than have ever been caught." -- Irish proverb

10-19-2003, 07:06 PM	#17 (permalink)
debaser Sir, I have a plan... Location: 38S NC20943324	All Hail Seanbaby! __________________ Fortunato became immured to the sound of the trowel after a while.

10-20-2003, 01:46 PM	#20 (permalink)
Lunchbox7 Addict	I got 5 out of the 10. Astrocloud, is that geeky enough to join your geek club. Almostaugust has just made a film called 'Fantasymen'. It has just been accepted into the local film festival. It is all about how society brands fantasy fans as geeks and relegate them to the edge of society. But they are still cool in their own way because they have the stregnth of character to continue liking what they like. If you all ask him very nicely he might tell you more about it.