Feng Shui Advice - Tilted Forum Project Discussion Community

cchris · 08-17-2003, 05:26 AM

You've probably heard of Feng Shui - the ancient Chinese art of furniture arranging.

Having your house feng shui'd will keep you happy, wealthy and healthy.

Sadly, though, feng shui consultants charge an arm and a leg for advice that generally seems to boil down to "don't put things in places you'll trip over them"

But there's no need to pay a fortune for bad and useless feng shui advice.

Some tips.

The closer the toilet is to the tv the more comfort energy your house will create.

The ritual consumption of fourteen beers before entering the bedroom will facilitate the entry of the sleep spirit. (A bucket placed by the bed can help avoid carpet stains).

Carefully placed concealed video cameras can add spice to your sex life, or at least let you turn a buck placing footage on the Internet after you break up.

The presence of rapidly-rotating, razor-sharp blades generally indicates a bad place to put your penis.

The floor is actually one giant table-top.

"Christening" each room in your house creates good feng shui.

Piling up dishes in the sink will bring on the "I feel like I have a lot of fulfilling things to do energy"

Catapults, Balisstas and other war machines are perfect for getting rid of those "Girl Scout Cookie Wielding Demons" and may also increase "fun energy".

Hanging clothes in the wardrobe may be good for the no-crease factor, but hanging them on the floor just under where you took them off creates "good floor vibes" and helps cover those carpet stains from the beer drinking.

Cleaning is a dull chore, but recovering money from down the back of the sofa is an excellent way to keep the "piggy bank chi" flowing

A weekly rotation of fruit and vegetables through the fridge can ward of the evil spirit of decay.

Wrapping your pets in cling film or gaffa tape and hanging them from the ceiling will make them look like pinyadas. Pinyadas are full of candy, and thats got to be good feng shui.

Fed up with bad aim in the toilet? Get married, and harmonize the demon of spilled wizz with the spousal rubber gloves of cleanser. All without leaving the couch.

Having the entrance facing the south will prevent unwanted spirits from entering from the north.

Go to a rich persons house and pass yourself off as an expert in feng shui! When they're not looking, steal their furniture. Having new 'free' furniture will make arranging your old furniture seem a lot less important.

bundy · 08-17-2003, 06:00 AM

Quote:

Originally posted by cchris

The closer the toilet is to the tv the more comfort energy your house will create.

The ritual consumption of fourteen beers before entering the bedroom will facilitate the entry of the sleep spirit. (A bucket placed by the bed can help avoid carpet stains).

Fed up with bad aim in the toilet? Get married, and harmonize the demon of spilled wizz with the spousal rubber gloves of cleanser. All without leaving the couch.

genius.
pure genius.

this is bloody hilarious.

Stiltzkin · 08-17-2003, 03:27 PM

So that's what Feng Shui is, huh? Erhm. Yeah

Actually there's an old article in Playboy, I believe it is the July issue of 1972 (imagine that-- I actually read the articles

) that talks about this very same thing. Hmm... I don't feel like pulling it out and making references to it, so I'll leave it at that

cchris · 08-18-2003, 05:42 AM

Quote:

Originally posted by Stiltzkin
So that's what Feng Shui is, huh? Erhm. Yeah Actually there's an old article in Playboy, I believe it is the July issue of 1972 (imagine that-- I actually read the articles ) that talks about this very same thing. Hmm... I don't feel like pulling it out and making references to it, so I'll leave it at that

Wow.

Your Karma just ran over my Dogma.

Stiltzkin · 08-18-2003, 06:56 AM

Why isn't anyone else posting? Don't you people see how entertaining cchris's post was?!?! 4 posts so far and something like 35 views. That's just wrong!

Anyway, nice post cchris, it made me laugh and stuff.

micah67 · 08-18-2003, 04:54 PM

OK, this is Feng Shui I can believe in. Unlike that other crap. I skipped into it and read that rotating razor thing and felt good about the post.

Munku · 08-18-2003, 05:50 PM

This is hilarious! I thought it was serious with the first toilet one, then I just started laughing. Well done.

Snoogans · 08-19-2003, 01:54 AM

hahahah, fucking brilliant!

08-17-2003, 05:26 AM	#1 (permalink)
cchris Junkie Location: Sydney	Feng Shui Advice You've probably heard of Feng Shui - the ancient Chinese art of furniture arranging. Having your house feng shui'd will keep you happy, wealthy and healthy. Sadly, though, feng shui consultants charge an arm and a leg for advice that generally seems to boil down to "don't put things in places you'll trip over them" But there's no need to pay a fortune for bad and useless feng shui advice. Some tips. The closer the toilet is to the tv the more comfort energy your house will create. The ritual consumption of fourteen beers before entering the bedroom will facilitate the entry of the sleep spirit. (A bucket placed by the bed can help avoid carpet stains). Carefully placed concealed video cameras can add spice to your sex life, or at least let you turn a buck placing footage on the Internet after you break up. The presence of rapidly-rotating, razor-sharp blades generally indicates a bad place to put your penis. The floor is actually one giant table-top. "Christening" each room in your house creates good feng shui. Piling up dishes in the sink will bring on the "I feel like I have a lot of fulfilling things to do energy" Catapults, Balisstas and other war machines are perfect for getting rid of those "Girl Scout Cookie Wielding Demons" and may also increase "fun energy". Hanging clothes in the wardrobe may be good for the no-crease factor, but hanging them on the floor just under where you took them off creates "good floor vibes" and helps cover those carpet stains from the beer drinking. Cleaning is a dull chore, but recovering money from down the back of the sofa is an excellent way to keep the "piggy bank chi" flowing A weekly rotation of fruit and vegetables through the fridge can ward of the evil spirit of decay. Wrapping your pets in cling film or gaffa tape and hanging them from the ceiling will make them look like pinyadas. Pinyadas are full of candy, and thats got to be good feng shui. Fed up with bad aim in the toilet? Get married, and harmonize the demon of spilled wizz with the spousal rubber gloves of cleanser. All without leaving the couch. Having the entrance facing the south will prevent unwanted spirits from entering from the north. Go to a rich persons house and pass yourself off as an expert in feng shui! When they're not looking, steal their furniture. Having new 'free' furniture will make arranging your old furniture seem a lot less important. __________________ There's a fine line between participation and mockery

08-17-2003, 03:27 PM	#3 (permalink)
Stiltzkin Junkie	So that's what Feng Shui is, huh? Erhm. Yeah Actually there's an old article in Playboy, I believe it is the July issue of 1972 (imagine that-- I actually read the articles ) that talks about this very same thing. Hmm... I don't feel like pulling it out and making references to it, so I'll leave it at that __________________ The most important thing in this world is love.

08-18-2003, 06:56 AM	#5 (permalink)
Stiltzkin Junkie	Why isn't anyone else posting? Don't you people see how entertaining cchris's post was?!?! 4 posts so far and something like 35 views. That's just wrong! Anyway, nice post cchris, it made me laugh and stuff. __________________ The most important thing in this world is love.

08-18-2003, 04:54 PM	#6 (permalink)
micah67 Thor Location: 33:08:12N 117:10:23W	OK, this is Feng Shui I can believe in. Unlike that other crap. I skipped into it and read that rotating razor thing and felt good about the post. __________________ ~micah

08-19-2003, 01:54 AM	#8 (permalink)
Snoogans Veteran Location: Uppsala, Sweden	hahahah, fucking brilliant! __________________ Internet hint: If someone's asking if what they do is weird, it always is.

08-18-2003, 05:50 PM	#7 (permalink)
Munku Lost Location: Florida	This is hilarious! I thought it was serious with the first toilet one, then I just started laughing. Well done.