How do I dispose of this dead hooker?
 

Help guys - I have a dead hooker in the bath, there's blood everywhere and it's broad daylight. I need to dispose of the slut's body before morning when the cleaner arrives.

How can I destroy all evidence of her presence?

Oh, there may be DNA evidence on the scene.

I think Bundy owns a few pigs he can lend you...

No dice - I can't leave the house because it's daylight.

Come on guys - I could be in trouble here.

Have you looked into osmosis? Just find a place with a huge saline concentration, then forge some type of semi-permiable membrane between there and your house, then let the salt gradient do all the work. The perfect crime.

First you need to get rid of the body, a good sharp knoife would be handy in this case. Cut it up into five pieces( I think you can figure that out) and store in plastic bags until you can easily burn them in a pile of leaves and sticks. Grind up the bones afterward and dump them in a river.
But that comes later. For right now, store the body parts in some place the cleaner doesn't go. Attic would be good. Suitcase as a last resort.
Clean up all the blood you can. Its not going to be possible to get it all so you need to make an excuse. This is the point where you "accedentally" slice your hand while cooking. Explain to the cleaner what happened and show the wound. Make sure its deep. Have her clean and leave and follow through with the body disposal. There is no way to get rid of the DNA so you should just make sure your not a suspect in the first place.

Good luck.

okay I've checked on all the salt in the house. I put it in the bath with the body and started running the tap. All it did was make the blood curdle a bit and wash away.

I'm now out of salt and running out of time.

Eat it. If you're lucky, she'll have plenty of drugs in her system and you'll get high as well as get a good feed.

Large green garbege bags. Opaque, strong, water tight. Slice her up and dispose of in bin. After the cleaner's gone (use the 'sliced hand' trick to cover for whatever blood you can't clean up) wait till night, get her out and use thermite to burn her. Won't leave a trace. DO any burning in an isolated area, as flesh smells bad. Make sure to burn the bags as well. Try not to cut in to the abdominal cavity, that's hell to clean up.

Nah, the idea is to have the greatest concetration of salt where you want the body to go, and the lowest where the body is now.

Of course, it helps if the body is really really small...

call harvey keitel...

Blow up/burn down the house and say the Yakuza did it, that always works for me.

Damn people. That's why I say always keep a supply of lime on hand. A properly limed body will keep for several days in the crawlspace (depending on temperature and humidity your milage may vary). As far as DNA, who is your house cleaner? Micheal Baden?

Do what I do whenever my doorbell rings. Fake mustache. And running. Lots of running.
You're welcome!

steal industrial strength cleanser from a hospital

Now let me ask you a question. When you posted in here, did you notice a sign out in front that said, "Dead hooker storage"?

Answer the question! Did you see a sign out in front of the TFP that said "Dead hooker storage"?

You know why you didn't see that sign?

Cause storin' dead hookers ain't our fuckin' business!

-Mikey

Alright guys I've spent most of the last few hous sawing up the body with a bread knife - it's getting pretty blunt now! The body is now in seven sections (head, two arms, torso, left leg, right thigh, right lower leg). I need to get rid of these hooker pieces without leaving the house.

I can't find any matches and I can't get to the chemical store which is in the garden which this house shares with the neighbour.

Also, I should probably explain that this isn't my house and that's not my car.

wow sounds like you have your hands full I'm surprised you even find time to post.

Believe me - I'm running out of ideas. I need the collective wisdom of the tfproject boards to help me.

The mouse is getting gummed up with blood.

There was an awesome guide by Batjew in Penny-Arcade on how to dispose of dead hookers, but I think they took it down. I believe in involved cutting it up into small pieces as has already been mentioned.

Here it is:

JERM

HI, Batjew here. Okay I'm going to assume you don't have a basement with a lime pit, dogs, walk-in freezer, industrial meat grinder or fishing boar with access to the ocean. Your best bet is to bleed them out in the shower (hopefully your shower curtain rod is strong enough that you can tie them up one at a time by their feet), and then use whatever large cutting devices you might have. As long as they're bled out it won't really matter too much, but the cleaner the cuts the better. You don't want too many little hooker bits laying around. Anyways, cut them up into chunks no more than 5-10lbs each. Let me remind you that barring a basement with a drain or lime pit your best place to be doing all of this is still your everyday bathtub. With these chunks in the bathtub, run the water a bit to get any additional gunky hooker fluids out.

NOW! Time for the hefty garbage bags! VERY VERY IMPORTANT: Don't go overboard and stuff too much hooker in any single bag! Go to Costco if you have to and buy the bags in bulk! Be sure to mix and match. ALSO: Batjew Fun Fact! Sprinkle liberal amounts of sawdust and OXICLEAN in the bags to soak up any remains drips! Don't want any extra stinky flesh to draw too much attention after all. OK! You'll probably need to make a few trips but don't worry! You should be able to dump everything before it stinks too bad. Your best bet is dumpsters behind large bookstores! No one suspects heavy bags, and most importantly BUMS DON'T GO DIVING FOR FOOD IN THEM. Consider yourself lucky that it was just some hookers! No one ever looks for hookers and even if someone does they never look very hard.

Love, Luck & Lollipops! Batjew

You know... we've had a lot of laughs in this thread, but I'll tell not funny. Killing hookers. Hookers are people too. Naked people who are willing to pleasure you for a price you negotiate later. Besides, there's no need to kill them. Because most of them are already dead inside.

You know... there are some pretty weird people on TFP, I'll admit. But... I really hope that this is all just a joke.

Has anyone seen Bundy lately?

A coincidence?

I think not.
-GH

cut into as little of peices as you can, remove bones, garbage disposal..... get sledge hammer and mash bones to dust, put in river or flush down toilet! tadah!

i have some song lyrics for you...

I live life like I’m playing a game of X-box
I don’t give a fuck if I die or get caught
There I am, god-damn, everything was smooth
I woke up with a bloody bitch dead in the bathroom
My wicked shit praise that I heard through the days
Somehow now relays my new murderous ways
Violent J's not around but Moon Glorious is there
Scared of fucking death, and what's happening here
Blood in the tub as I scrub a dub, on my knees geez
I hope she ain’t have a disease
I need the keys to the shed, I'ma cut the head off
My daddy got a knife in there to cut lead off
How should I do this, what sounds fun?
I just sat on her headpiece and twiddled my thumbs
Finally said fuck it, stomped her face
Sunk in like a pumpkin, I left no trace

Another bitch dead (On my bathroom floor)
Another bitch dead (on my bathroom floor)
Another bitch dead (In my bathroom)
Find me, deep in the night I be thugging
Another bitch dead (On my bathroom floor)
Another bitch dead (On my bathroom floor)
Another bitch dead (In my bathroom)
Find me, end of the night I be scrubbing

You must think I’m some kind of fucking idiot, don't ya?
What you think I'ma do, warn you when I’m on ya?
That’s what TV do, with forensic files
Teaching all your secrets and styles
Got that (?) for your crime lab
You’ll find nothing but a carcass slab
I got fourty dead bodies all buried out back
And if a limb’s sticking out when I’m mowing I handle that
This bitch don’t, she deserve this
She had a neden that wouldn’t provide service
She even stuck a stiletto in my eye
Three inches deep and I still couldn’t see why
I had to stab her with a toothbrush in the throat
And then stuff the bitch mouth with a bar of soap
Drown the bitch in a toilet at that
Look at them tiles, she dead on crack

Another bitch dead (On my bathroom floor)
Another bitch dead (on my bathroom floor)
Another bitch dead (In my bathroom)
Find me, deep in the night I be thugging
Another bitch dead (On my bathroom floor)
Another bitch dead (On my bathroom floor)
Another bitch dead (In my bathroom)
Find me, end of the night I be scrubbing

Four o' clock in the morning out here and one slip up
Had to freeze her so the bitch ain’t a dripper
Unzip the zipper, feel like Jack the Ripper
Had to monkey flip her in a wood chipper
Blood on my walls, mirrors and floors
Some even on the carpet from under the doors
I never saw so much fucking blood before
A slutty whore with more blood than a dinosaur
Ajax is a (?), call Mr. Clean
Tell him and Comet they’re needed at the scene
Scrubbed all night to some old color me bad
Wrapped up the bloody towels in a garbage bag
Send it to the curb, it ain’t absurd
This week’s been good, that bitch was the third
Hell’s Pit’s gots a cactus waiting on my ass
So expect me to cry when its time to pass

Another bitch dead (On my bathroom floor)
Another bitch dead (on my bathroom floor)
Another bitch dead (In my bathroom)
Find me, deep in the night I be thugging
Another bitch dead (On my bathroom floor)
Another bitch dead (On my bathroom floor)
Another bitch dead (In my bathroom)
Find me, end of the night I be scrubbing

Hope that helps!!:D :D

BTW that (?) is a chemical that you need, who ever typed out these lyrics didnt know, and i cant recall it off the top of my head... find the song if you want to know i guess (downloading this song is ok by the RIAA i guess since its an internet single)

song is Bloody Bitch by ICP

you are going to have to eat her.

every last bit.
except the brain and the spinal chord. chop those up and feed them to the cat.
and shave up those bones, and mix them in with the kitty litter.
then you have to lick all the dna evidence right off the floor.

have fun.

gotta love family guy. well done.

Drum of acid . . . don't want to leave any forensic traces of yourself on the drum tho

Acid's in the chemical store which I can't get to.

...how attached are you to your neighbor?

Okay to summarise your problem. You have a body in 7 pieces, I'm assuming they are relatively small as you don't seem weird enough to hire fat hookers. You can't leave the house and you can't use acid from the garden. So the only really option is burial. It's not ideal, go into the basement and dig down about 4 foot. Any more than that and it's a waste of effort. Bury the body parts then re-concrete the floor. At this point place all the clothes and utensils you used in the furnace. The heat will remove all traces of bood and dna from the breadknife which can then be thrown as normal. As for the bathroom get a sprak gun and spray then entire bathroom with bleach. This will get rid of the majority of your problems.

You will then need to sell your house and move, I hear Liberia has a pretty liberal killing laws at the moment, you may be welcome there.

Call the Police and explain that she was breaking into your house and you had to defend yourself. Make sure you leave some pry marks on a window and door, and to be safe get one of her hands and put fingerprints on a screwdriver and the door or window you choose.


SELF DEFENCE YOUR HONOR!!

:D

<img src="http://dahi.us/lamp/images/prostitute.jpg">

Moo Moo Melinda RIP

If the hooker was still in one piece you could do some Weekend at Bernie's action to get her out of the house...to bad she's dismembered.

Maybe you could grind her up and use her as fertilizer....

DEAD HOOKER: PROVIDES ALL NUTRIENTS NEEDED FOR A HEALTHY GARDEN!

lime, you have to use lots of lime.

Gesundheit.

If it's not your house, what's the problem? Wipe off all finger prints and get the fuck out. Run far, far away. Hide under covers. Try desperately to wake up.

If that's not a viable option, fuck the torso piece one last time. Get your money's worth.

Or do I go to far, yet again? :D

Close your eyes...it will all go away.

take her out to a cabin in the woods and get a copy of the necronomicon...

let the hijinx begin !


dont forget the chainsaw..




ash rules !

"gimme some sugar baby! "

You ain't got no problems, Taliesin
I'm on the motherfucker. Go back
in there, chill them hookers out
and wait for The Wolf, who should
be comin' directly.

Man . . that bitch must be startin' to stink up the place . . got any air freshener ???