Old Squares - Tilted Forum Project Discussion Community

Angel · 06-28-2003, 06:18 AM

Those of us old enough to remember the old Hollywood Squares Game (before Whoopi) will appreciate these classic lines from the days when game show responses were spontaneous and not scripted like they are now. These are from the old Hollywood Squares show in the 70's. They are GOOD!

Q: If you're going to make a parachute jump, you should be at least how high?
A: Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.

Q: True or false...a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
A: George Gobel: Boy it sure seems that way sometimes...

Q: You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or
a woman?
A: Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake

Q: According to Cosmo, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think he's really attractive, is it okay to come out directly and ask him if he's married?
A: Rose Marie: No, wait until morning.

Q: Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A: Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.

Q: In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say "I love you"?
A: Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.

Q: As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while you are talking?
A: Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing older question, Peter...and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget!

Q: Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
A: Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.

Q: Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during your first year?
A: Charley Weaver: Of course not, Peter. I'm too busy growing
strawberries!

Q: In bowling, what's a perfect score?
A: Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.

Q: It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist
camps.
One is politics. What is the other?
A: Paul Lynde: Tape measures.

Q: Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A: Marty Allen: Only after lights out.

Q: When you pat a dog on its head he will usually wag his tail.
What will a goose do?
A: Paul Lynde: Make him bark.

Q: If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A: Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.

Q: According to Ann Landers, is their anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A: Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army!

Q: It is the most abused and neglected part of your body -- what is it?
A: Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused but it certainly isn't neglected!

Q: Charley, what do you call a pig that weighs more than 150 pounds?
A: Charley Weaver: A divorcee.

Q: Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?
A: George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.

Q: Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
A: Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?

Q: When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for it's sex?
A: Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car. The rest is up to him.

Q: Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
A: Charley Weaver: His feet.

Q: Do female frogs croak?
A: Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.

Q: Imagine you are a child in your mother's womb, can you detect light?
A: Paul Lynde: Only during ballet practice.

Fly · 06-28-2003, 06:24 AM

thanx Angel.....i got a good laugh out of those.

Angel · 06-28-2003, 06:58 AM

My pleasure Fly

Heh...come to think of it, those 3 words have dual meaning! I've had some times that certainly qualified as "my pleasure fly"

WWWWWEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

Uh oh, she's on one agian!

spectre · 06-28-2003, 07:44 AM

Those were great, but the two funniest were:

Quote:

Originally posted by Angel
Q: It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist
camps.
One is politics. What is the other?
A: Paul Lynde: Tape measures.

Quote:

Originally posted by Angel
Q: It is the most abused and neglected part of your body -- what is it?
A: Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused but it certainly isn't neglected!

crackpot · 06-28-2003, 09:40 AM

Those are hilarious!
Though they may not have been scripted, the questions themselves are pretty much set-ups to a punchline, aren't they.
Thanks a ton Angel!

grumpyolddude · 06-28-2003, 09:59 AM

Quote:

Originally posted by Angel

Q: Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A: Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.

Q: Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during your first year?
A: Charley Weaver: Of course not, Peter. I'm too busy growing
strawberries!

(almost choked up a lung laughing)

Q: When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for it's sex?
A: Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car. The rest is up to him.

(too true)

Almost forgot how funny Charlie Weaver was! Thanks!

Ogre840 · 06-28-2003, 12:30 PM

god i wish they could be that funny on the new one... sometimes i think they toss out the script when the person is truly funny and willing to stick his neck out there... but then theres anna nicole smith who was on... /cringe

Fremen · 06-28-2003, 07:42 PM

Thanks for that most hilarious post, Angel.

06-28-2003, 06:18 AM	#1 (permalink)
Angel Naughty Just Right Location: Euphoria	Old Squares Those of us old enough to remember the old Hollywood Squares Game (before Whoopi) will appreciate these classic lines from the days when game show responses were spontaneous and not scripted like they are now. These are from the old Hollywood Squares show in the 70's. They are GOOD! Q: If you're going to make a parachute jump, you should be at least how high? A: Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it. Q: True or false...a pea can last as long as 5,000 years. A: George Gobel: Boy it sure seems that way sometimes... Q: You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman? A: Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake Q: According to Cosmo, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think he's really attractive, is it okay to come out directly and ask him if he's married? A: Rose Marie: No, wait until morning. Q: Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older? A: Charley Weaver: My sense of decency. Q: In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say "I love you"? A: Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty. Q: As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while you are talking? A: Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing older question, Peter...and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget! Q: Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather? A: Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily. Q: Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during your first year? A: Charley Weaver: Of course not, Peter. I'm too busy growing strawberries! Q: In bowling, what's a perfect score? A: Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy. Q: It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics. What is the other? A: Paul Lynde: Tape measures. Q: Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls? A: Marty Allen: Only after lights out. Q: When you pat a dog on its head he will usually wag his tail. What will a goose do? A: Paul Lynde: Make him bark. Q: If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to? A: Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark. Q: According to Ann Landers, is their anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people? A: Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army! Q: It is the most abused and neglected part of your body -- what is it? A: Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused but it certainly isn't neglected! Q: Charley, what do you call a pig that weighs more than 150 pounds? A: Charley Weaver: A divorcee. Q: Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do? A: George Gobel: Get it in his mouth. Q: Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant? A: Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant? Q: When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for it's sex? A: Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car. The rest is up to him. Q: Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they? A: Charley Weaver: His feet. Q: Do female frogs croak? A: Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough. Q: Imagine you are a child in your mother's womb, can you detect light? A: Paul Lynde: Only during ballet practice. __________________ In the depth of winter, I finally learned that there was within me an invincible summer. ~Albert Camus

06-28-2003, 06:24 AM	#2 (permalink)
Fly see the links to my music? Location: Beautiful British Columbia	thanx Angel.....i got a good laugh out of those. __________________ BASTARD SterlingStudios

06-28-2003, 06:58 AM	#3 (permalink)
Angel Naughty Just Right Location: Euphoria	My pleasure Fly Heh...come to think of it, those 3 words have dual meaning! I've had some times that certainly qualified as "my pleasure fly" WWWWWEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! Uh oh, she's on one agian! __________________ In the depth of winter, I finally learned that there was within me an invincible summer. ~Albert Camus Last edited by Angel; 06-28-2003 at 07:01 AM..

06-28-2003, 07:42 PM	#8 (permalink)
Fremen With a mustache, the cool factor would be too much Location: left side of my couch, East Texas	Thanks for that most hilarious post, Angel. __________________ Google

06-28-2003, 09:40 AM	#5 (permalink)
crackpot Junkie Location: Montreal	Those are hilarious! Though they may not have been scripted, the questions themselves are pretty much set-ups to a punchline, aren't they. Thanks a ton Angel!

06-28-2003, 12:30 PM	#7 (permalink)
Ogre840 Banned Location: OlyWa	god i wish they could be that funny on the new one... sometimes i think they toss out the script when the person is truly funny and willing to stick his neck out there... but then theres anna nicole smith who was on... /cringe