Astrocloud

So some mod who shall remain nameless recently PM'd me and mentioned that he thinks I have a martyr complex. To be fair he didn't use those exact words but said something like: I am making myself into a Jesus. This is simply not true. I have a paranoid belief that people are out to get me. Luckily, it's more of a creeping suspicion than it is a reality... but at some point you've got to look at where you stand. View your place in the world and question the very nature of reality.

Columbus sailed to the West Indies. He had no clue where he was going. Perhaps he thought he was sailing around the world... but it was only a suspicion. The truth was that every so often -he had to use the stars to chart his path. He had to verify that the ocean currents and the wind weren't sending him in circles. Columbus also had to verify that his crew wasn't secretly turning the ship around while he was asleep. Checking his location was a sort of sanity check.

This process of sanity checking is crucial in everything I do. When I write a software program -I write unit and micro-integration tests. I do this to verify that the software is indeed doing what I intend it to do. It can be compared to tasting ones own food while cooking a complicated dish. You want to make sure that the dish is indeed "going in the right direction". With this knowledge, lets proceed to making pizza.

Long after Columbus sailed to the West Indies -the Spanish started to conquer the western lands. Pizza, was invented after Italian chefs heard about the Tostada in the new world. They tried their hand after reading about Aztec food. They created a sauce using a new world fruit: the tomato. (Similarly, spaghetti was invented after sampling Chow Mein noodles).

(Some of this history is contestable... contest it below).

Now here is a little secret about pizza: HOMEMADE PIZZA IS ALMOST IMPOSSIBLE TO SCREW UP. The caveat to this statement is that you must frequently sample the food as a sort of "sanity check" while you are cooking. You must constantly taste the food. I recommend using a wooden spoon that you rinse off constantly. Metal spoons have a metalic taste that conflicts with tomato sauce. Metal spoons also get really hot and burnt tongues are not as good at tasting. Hence the solution is to use a wooden spoon for your "unit tests".

So let's start with a few ingrediants:



And you say: "Wait a minute that's not an ingrediant"

Well yes it is. You see, Mrs. Astrocloud is gone for a few weeks and if she sees what I am doing to the kitchen -she will freak out! In reality, pizza making is a very messy process. It is best to clean up before the process and after it. This is general good life practice as well. Avoid making a mess if you can -you don't want to piss off the Mrs. or the mods.


Here are some of my other ingredients:



The reason I say "some" and not "all" -is that, quite frankly I forgot to include some. I've been saving up my ingredients for several 'grocery shoppings' now and I forgot entirely what I have and what I just got. So here is the short list of what anyone would need to replicate what I am about to do. Here's another pic:


I forgot so many that I implore any who are trying to follow this simple pizza recipe to get some basic Italian seasonings in their cupboard. (Either that or read ahead).

For this demonstration we will be making Pepperoni and Elephant Garlic Pizza on a Rye crust.

So anyways you always start with the crust. Crust is essential not only because you ought to make it before the sauce -but also because physically it cooks before the sauce. (It's on the bottom of the pan and receives the heat first). I estimate crust to be at a minimum 1/4 of the pizza -the whole pizza being crust, sause, cheese and toppings.

The first step is to have a variety of beers:


The reason is because you are supposed to be into the flavor of the intoxicant. I prefer a hoppy drink. One which stands alone when you take on the entire police force.

The police are nuts anyways. So take a cup of White (or Whole Wheat):



And also take a cup of rye flour:


By the way also take a splash of Gluten:



The issue is that gluten typically leads to a stretchy dough. Here, we are looking less stretchy. Retrospectively, I would half this.

Put a little chocolate in it. Truth is that people are going to make a big deal out of it. It really is no big deal. It adds slightly to the flavor but mostly to the color.


Here is where you make a difference with the flavor. Want to make a "rye" flavor? Then add caraway. This is all marketing. Caraway means if something is "rye". Actual rye has no flavor different than wheat. Now you know.



Here's another thing don't put alot of salt into the whole package:



If you have any issues just whisk them away. No seriously it is easier if you knead the dough prior to mixing it with a whisk:







Now you should be asking how I am going to raise this doe



This is a terrible picture but apparently I am adding 1 tsp of pure Molassis to this picture. In retrospect, it would be more appropriate at 1/1/2 of molassis.



You want to add Warm water to the whole mixture:



Copy the substance:




Here I stop and am available for any questions.


Do you have any questions thusfar?

uncle phil

if i am alive by the end of this, i will copy this and put it in my recipe folder...

__________________
"We were wrong, terribly wrong. (We) should not have tried to fight a guerrilla war with conventional military tactics against a foe willing to absorb enormous casualties...in a country lacking the fundamental political stability necessary to conduct effective military and pacification operations. It could not be done and it was not done."
- Robert S. McNamara
-----------------------------------------
"We will take our napalm and flame throwers out of the land that scarcely knows the use of matches...
We will leave you your small joys and smaller troubles."
- Eugene McCarthy in "Vietnam Message"
-----------------------------------------
never wrestle with a pig.
you both get dirty;
the pig likes it.

Astrocloud

Now we've got to make the sauce



This should be unimpressive:



Add a few artichoke hearts but not too many. Too many is a bad thing.



Take two anchovies, substitute wherever for salt here:


Throw some of these back into the sauce... This is a substitute for salt.



(Note that this lack of salt will come back later).


If you get stressed at this point:

take a swig of medicine:

More:


But hey back on the topic of MAKING PIZZA:

Drop about one Table spoon of oil into a pan:


Oh and here is an idiot-proof way of coring any Onions... simply take an onion:


Cut out each end... in a 45 degree angle lIke this:



Then cut in half and use your slicer. We are civilized after all, no one is more civilized than someone who owns a slicer...

Oops, I guess that Onion just goes awesome with rye.


So start to fry it up in your pan but remember that you only want to use about half of a large onion...


That blob on the right is grated garlic. Garlic is very important if you don't want to tell people that you are a vampire. I am not a vampire yet certain males are always trying to drive a steak through my heart. Therefore, try to convince them that the steak is unecessary.

See, while your onions are cooking you want to spray about a teaspoon of "Sicilian Seasoning" into your red sauce. The first problem that I noticed was that I (having been "underpriveledged") was that I was not aware of the spices of the underclasses. Sicilian seasoning was my (as yet) first experience with lower class punk seasoning.



It's very hard to measure the amount of seasoning I put into the red sauce:;



I think it's like a tablespoon and a half.

There's a bunch of stuff I forgot:

I never mentioned this because that seasoning is like listening to the Clash or perhaps early Siouxie Sioux. You just kind of forget about things in your collection until you pull them out.




The whole point of this image is that you are supposed to trim the leaves off of both Oregano and Marjoram.

I need to finish this some other time...

I feel bad because I think that this whole episode wouldn't have been repeated -had I merely repeated the 16'th grade... (later: whatever that means)

SSJTWIZTA

oh man, petes wicked ale just makes this appeal to me even more.

astro, your always making me hungry you bastard.

__________________
First they came for the Jews and I did not speak out because I was not a Jew.
Then they came for the communists and I did not speak out because I was not a communist.
Then they came for the trade unionists and I did not speak out because I was not a trade unionist
Then they came for me And there was no one left to speak out for me.
-Pastor Martin Niemoller

Ourcrazymodern?

Could I now pretend
having any more excuses,
knowing my being?


No.

Take me, knead me, dough me.

__________________
BE JUST AND FEAR NOT

BadNick

I'm digging this...and looking forward to the final cooking method. Aren't most home ovens just not hot enough?

Ourcrazymodern?

My dick feels really good.

__________________
BE JUST AND FEAR NOT

uncle phil

i have reservations about that spic 'n span bottle being so close to the product-in-progress...

__________________
"We were wrong, terribly wrong. (We) should not have tried to fight a guerrilla war with conventional military tactics against a foe willing to absorb enormous casualties...in a country lacking the fundamental political stability necessary to conduct effective military and pacification operations. It could not be done and it was not done."
- Robert S. McNamara
-----------------------------------------
"We will take our napalm and flame throwers out of the land that scarcely knows the use of matches...
We will leave you your small joys and smaller troubles."
- Eugene McCarthy in "Vietnam Message"
-----------------------------------------
never wrestle with a pig.
you both get dirty;
the pig likes it.

Astrocloud

You know I do too. Sarah (the Mrs.) will put it away if she sees it out. However having out is a good psychological reminder for me. The fact is that last night or this morning -the leftover sauce went "Whoops" -out of the refridgerator and onto the floor. The paper towels were handy and quite frankly -enough to get the job done. Having Spic N Span out was a reminder for me to go the extra mile and polish the floor with it.

uncle phil

please don't "polish the floor" with that pizza...i'm looking foward to the finished product...

__________________
"We were wrong, terribly wrong. (We) should not have tried to fight a guerrilla war with conventional military tactics against a foe willing to absorb enormous casualties...in a country lacking the fundamental political stability necessary to conduct effective military and pacification operations. It could not be done and it was not done."
- Robert S. McNamara
-----------------------------------------
"We will take our napalm and flame throwers out of the land that scarcely knows the use of matches...
We will leave you your small joys and smaller troubles."
- Eugene McCarthy in "Vietnam Message"
-----------------------------------------
never wrestle with a pig.
you both get dirty;
the pig likes it.

Astrocloud

The next is a few dashes of Mrs Dash to the sauce:


Now shifting gears a bit... we will go back to the dough.

When last we looked it was over here looking like this:



In order to make dough we will have to add the yeasty water to the flour and squeeze this around:



Here is where it gets tricky. I didn't make enough yeasty-water for the entire pizza. My hands were also way too messy to pick up any cameras. So I added about a 3/4 cup more of water straight to the doughy mess.

Eventually it looks like this:



Then take a paper towel and wet it -squeeze out excess water and drape it over your dough.




Henceforth we will allow this to "rise". Don't worry -it is as inevitable as a sunset. We can put it to the side and finish the sauce.

So we have the onions already in slices put them in a pan and drop in about two tablespoons of minced garlic. Note that this is normal garlic and not the Elephant garlic. We will be doing something very special with the elephant garlic -later.




Heat it up a bit:



While your onions are on low... I tasted the red sauce with the wooden spoon. It needed some of this:



I just spashed a little in there.



This is also a good time to reclean some of the tools that we will be using later.



Be careful cleaning the slicer. I always avoid taking slices of things when I am cleaning it. It could easily cut that sponge or a wooden spoon or my hand.

It was around this point that I thought I might try out the new Pizza pan -just to see how it looks in the oven:



You ever hear Homer Simpson say "Doh"? I made that noise about now.



So I am off to get another pizza pan. In the meanwhile lets check on the onions:



Okay I am not going to leave this on while I go to the store... So I put a lid on it... and I am off.

So I'm back from Walgreens near my apartment.

They didn't have any pizza pans so I grabbed a cookie sheet:



Now that that's done... lets get back to cooking.



Cooking with wine in red sauce can make the sauce somewhat clumpy. The wine in all of it's grapeseed goodness wants to float to the surface and leave the tomato-ish parts to brew in the bottom. Nevertheless, wine adds a really great flavor to the entire sauce but you don't want to overdo it. So I just add a cup and simmer the onions in it:





So boil off the alcohol and add the tomato sauce to it:



Stir this a bunch of times. Then throw two Bay Leaves into the mix. You will take these out later so when you are stiring the sauce around -keep a mental note of where each bay leaf is. (Once one disintegrated on me, but I was able to figure out where it last was and pull out the pieces).



So once you stir it up... you watch it a little bit.



But it won't boil as long as you are watching. So we've got to figure something else to do in the meanwhile.

How about putting some mushrooms in the sauce? We pull out our newly cleaned slicer and cut up some shrooms.




But the pot still isn't boiling (it's on medium AND we've been watching it too much).

So while we have our slicer out, why not slice up some elephant garlic.


This is going to be a topping on our pizza.

So finally after ignoring the pot for a while -the sauce is starting to boil. I dipped my tasting spoon in it and you know what?

It needs salt. So add some salt to taste. Also make a mental note that I probably should have put in more anchovies prior to this point. (Like around 6 total).



Now remember the dough?

Sure you do it's still there:



Here's where I stopped taking pictures. The dough doubled in size and I needed to spread it around the cookie sheet.

The reason that I stopped taking pictures is that the flour tends to go everywhere. Sift flour over the dough. Sift it all over your hands and do this over the sink (preferably). Carefully stretch the dough so that it covers the cookie sheet. This is not as easy as it sounds and quite frankly my "rye bread" pizza dough is a little hard to work with. If you are a "gluten" for punishment work with my recipe here. Otherwise, just come up with your own. Pizza dough recipes are not as hard to come up with as you may think.

So your pizza dough spread over the pan will look like thus:



If you followed the general recipe here -One can of peeled tomatos makes more than enough sauce. In fact you will have sauce left over. Remember how I said that when cooking with wine the sauce will be clumpy? Get a slotted spoon and spread the clumpiest bottom part onto the pizza.



Generally you want the thick sauce for pizza. The leftover "thin" sauce is better for spaghetti.

Now cover the whole pizza with Mozzarella and Parmesian cheese. The ratio is ultimately up to you but just remember that parmesian can be over powering. Also choose your toppings well. This is a simple elephant garlic and pepperoni pizza -but I could have really gone overboard and made six topping pizza. Basically what I am trying to say is that if you have a great sauce then keep the toppings simple.

So here is what our pre baked pizza looks like:






So bake at 350 for 40 minutes... but don't take my word on it. Check it every 20 minutes until it looks and smells done. My "350" is a generic "don't burn" temperature. They say to cook it until the cheese near the center is melted... but I never do that, I just cook it until it looks right.

So we pull it out of the oven:



Looks pretty good. I cut myself a slice:



Notice how the cheese stretches? That is the addition of parmesian to the pizza. Also notice how I don't need any fancy pizza cutters? The pizza dough here is almost breadlike.



The texture is still pizza though.



fin.

BadNick

Very nicely done, thanks and congratulations and bon appétit.


Later today I'll show this thread to my kids and we can share a little father-sons pizza making bonding experience...I let them get a sip taste of my beer but otherwise that's all mine.

Astrocloud

The dough was a little hard to work with. Just in case -use 1/3 a cup of molasses -also possibly substitute out some of the whole wheat flour with more gluten flour. The sauce retrospectively came out really well.

grumpyolddude

With that slicer, I'd end up with fingertip, garlic and pepperoni pizza for sure.

Nice demo, Astrocloud! You should be the next Food Network star!

__________________
"Regret can be a harder pill to swallow than failure .With failure you at least know you gave it a chance..." David Howard

Astrocloud

Thank you. It actually took me a really long time posting those pictures. Not to mention about 15 beers and the rest of the wine.

The slicer is safer when you are slicing than when you are cleaning it. I used to have a really fancy electric one -but sold it on ebay when times were tough.