Gotta share this with fellow Monty Python fans - Tilted Forum Project Discussion Community

MSD · 06-03-2004, 10:11 AM

Here it is, the entire screenplay to Monty Python and the Holy Grail. I'
m not sure why this seems so cool, but I have the distinct feeling that I should be sharing it with all of you.

http://www.angelfire.com/movies/clos...ed/mp-holy.txt

Rubyee · 06-03-2004, 10:38 AM

That is pretty cool. Thanks for sharing! Now I can send this to the people that don't know what I am talking about sometimes.

Fremen · 06-03-2004, 10:46 AM

Oh man, I need to watch this again.
Thanks, MSD.

Quote:

ARTHUR

It is I, Arthur, son of Uther Pendragon, from the castle

of Camelot. King of all Britons, defeator of the Saxons,

sovereign of all England!

Pause.

SOLDIER

Get away!

ARTHUR

I am... And this my trusty servant, Patsy. We have ridden the

length and breadth of the land in search of knights who will join

our court at Camelot.. I must speak with your lord and master.

SOLDIER

What? Ridden on a horse?

ARTHUR

Yes!

SOLDIER

You're using coconuts!

ARTHUR

...What?

SOLDIER

You've got two empty halves of coconuts and you're banging

them together.

ARTHUR

(Scornfully)

So? We have ridden since the snows of winter covered this

land, through the kingdom of Mercea.

SOLDIER

Where did you get the coconuts?

ARTHUR

Through ... We found them.

SOLDIER

Found them? In Mercea. The coconut's tropical!

ARTHUR

What do you mean?

SOLDIER

Well, this is a temperate zone.

ARTHUR

The swallow may fly south with the sun, or the house martin

or the plover seek warmer hot lands in winter, yet these are

not strangers to our land.

SOLDIER

Are you suggesting coconuts migrate?

ARTHUR

Not at all. They could be carried.

SOLDIER

What? A swallow carrying a coconut?

ARTHUR

Why not?

SOLDIER

I'll tell you why not ... because a swallow is about eight

inches long and weighs five ounces, and you'd be lucky

to find a coconut under a pound.

ARTHUR

It could grip it by the husk ...

SOLDIER

It's not a question of where he grips it, It's a simple

matter of weight - ratios ... A five-ounce bird could not

hold a a one pound coconut.

ARTHUR

Well, it doesn't matter. Go and tell your master that

Arthur from the Court of Camelot is here.

A Slight pause. Swirling mist. Silence.

SOLDIER

Look! To maintain Velocity, a swallow needs to beat

its wings four hundred and ninety three times every

second. right?

ARTHUR

(irritated)

Please!

SOLDIER

Am I right?

ARTHUR

I'm not interested.

SECOND SOLDIER

(who has loomed up on the battlements)

It could be carried by an African swallow!

FIRST SOLDIER

Oh yes! An African swallow maybe ... but not a European

swallow. that's my point.

SECOND SOLDIER

Oh yes, I agree there ...

ARTHUR

(losing patience)

Will you ask your master if he wants to join the Knights

of Camelot?!

FIRST SOLDIER

But then of course African swallows are non-migratory.

SECOND SOLDIER

Oh yes.

ARTHUR raises his eyes heavenwards and nods to PATSY. They turn

and go off into the mist.

FIRST SOLDIER

So they wouldn't be able to bring a coconut back anyway.

SECOND SOLDIER

Wait a minute! Suppose two swallows carried it together?

FIRST SOLDIER

No, they'd have to have it on a line.

Stillness. Silence again.

absorbentishe · 06-03-2004, 10:54 AM

What find this is! Must rent it tonight.

Redlemon · 06-03-2004, 11:07 AM

Well, while we're on the subject, how about the scientific study Estimating the Airspeed Velocity of an Unladen Swallow? I'm sure it is a repost, but I don't care.

shakran · 06-03-2004, 01:29 PM

What the. . .

OK I just checked my DVD and it definitely sounds like the soldier says "Pull the other one," not "get away!"

Porkchop · 06-05-2004, 11:47 PM

Class. Brilliant.

brandon11983 · 06-06-2004, 12:43 AM

I feel compelled to answer Fremen with my own quote:

Quote:

ARTHUR
(wazzed stiff)
Who are you?
TALL KNIGHT
We are the Knights Who Say "Ni"!

BEDEVERE
No! Not the Knights Who Say "Ni"!

TALL KNIGHT
The same!

ARTHUR
Who are they?

TALL KNIGHT
We are the keepers of the sacred words. NI ... Peng ... and Neee
... Wom!

BEDEVERE
Those who hear them seldom live to tell the tale.

TALL KNIGHT
The Knights Who Say "Ni"! demand a sacrifice.

ARTHUR
(to the TALL KNIGHT)
Knights Who Say "Ni" ... we are but simple travellers. We seek the
Enchanter who lives beyond this wood and who ...

TALL KNIGHT
NI!

ARTHUR
(recoiling)
Oh!

TALL KNIGHT
NI! NI!

ARTHUR
(he cowers in fear)
Oh!

TALL KNIGHT
We shall say Ni! again to you if you do not appease us.

ARTHUR
All right! What do you want?

TALL KNIGHT
We want ... a shrubbery!

ARTHUR
A what?

TALL KNIGHT
Ni! Ni! Ni ... Peng ... Nee ... Wum!

The PAGES rear and snort and rattle their coconuts.

ARTHUR
All right! All right! ... No more, please. We will find you
a shrubbery ...

TALL KNIGHT
You must return here with a shrubbery or else ... you shall
not pass through this wood alive!

ARTHUR
Thanks you, Knights Who Say Ni! You are fair and just. We will
return with a shrubbery.

TALL KNIGHT
One that looks nice.

ARTHUR
Of course.

TALL KNIGHT
And not too expensive.

ARTHUR
Yes ...

TALL KNIGHT
Now - go!

ARTHUR and BEDEVERE turn and ride off.

OTHER KNIGHTS
Ni! Ni!

Ace_O_Spades · 06-06-2004, 06:33 AM

My favorite is actually this

Quote:

DENNIS

(calling)

Come and see the violence inherent in the system.

Help, help, I'm being repressed!

and that whole scene

skier · 06-06-2004, 09:00 PM

My initial thought was argh not more monty mpython paraphenilia. Then as I was skimming over the screenplay I noticed the bridge scene and got stuck reading the whole thing. I'm now watching the DVD for the umpteenth time. yeesh.

grayman · 06-07-2004, 03:48 AM

In high school, a buddy of mine had me help him act out the peasant scene and the black knight scene for a literary interpretation speech in a speech class. The teacher loved it, he got an A, I got an A (not even my speech) and he kept gushing about how much we must have rehearsed to be so good. Truth is, my friend asked me in the hall that morning if I would help him out. I love this movie.

kurtisj · 06-10-2004, 12:16 PM

cant go wrong with some monty python

Dungeon_Shade · 06-13-2004, 09:49 PM

Haha this is sweet. I love the political sceen towards the beginning. I also like "how do you know he's a king?"
"He aint got shit all over him"

I have the entire movie memorized. Best. Comedy. EVAR.

LordEden · 06-14-2004, 06:53 AM

Nothing can beat Holy Grail, best background noise in the world (I like to leave movies playing, cause I'm to poor for cable). NI!

warrrreagl · 06-14-2004, 08:34 AM

Quote:

Originally posted by shakran
What the. . .

OK I just checked my DVD and it definitely sounds like the soldier says "Pull the other one," not "get away!"

From the opening paragraph of the script website:
"This is the official 'Unoffical' Monty Python And The Holy Grail screenplay. This file contains the script as it was on March 20 1974, before filming took place. There are many minor differences from what appears here and what ended up on the screen."

heccubusiv · 06-15-2004, 06:11 PM

a great find, i gotta find a campus computer lab to print it out

H12 · 06-16-2004, 04:05 PM

I just got done watching it again for my first time in forever. Thank you, TFP, for reminding me of that classic.

clonmult · 06-17-2004, 01:51 AM

Haven't watched it in years ... my favourite is the Black Knight skit ("Its only a flesh wound").

My sister and I quoted Monty Python for years ... not many people understood us.

06-03-2004, 10:11 AM	#1 (permalink)
MSD The sky calls to us ... Super Moderator Location: CT	Gotta share this with fellow Monty Python fans Here it is, the entire screenplay to Monty Python and the Holy Grail. I' m not sure why this seems so cool, but I have the distinct feeling that I should be sharing it with all of you. http://www.angelfire.com/movies/clos...ed/mp-holy.txt

06-03-2004, 10:38 AM	#2 (permalink)
Rubyee I'm baaaaack!	That is pretty cool. Thanks for sharing! Now I can send this to the people that don't know what I am talking about sometimes. __________________ You don't know from fun.

06-03-2004, 11:07 AM	#5 (permalink)
Redlemon Devoted Donor Location: New England	Well, while we're on the subject, how about the scientific study Estimating the Airspeed Velocity of an Unladen Swallow? I'm sure it is a repost, but I don't care. __________________ I can't read your signature. Sorry.

06-05-2004, 11:47 PM	#7 (permalink)
Porkchop Psycho Location: Good ol Blighty	Class. Brilliant. __________________ Be cool btch now btch be cool Sport 1976 Taxi Driver.

06-06-2004, 09:00 PM	#10 (permalink)
skier Rawr! Location: Edmontania	My initial thought was argh not more monty mpython paraphenilia. Then as I was skimming over the screenplay I noticed the bridge scene and got stuck reading the whole thing. I'm now watching the DVD for the umpteenth time. yeesh. __________________ "Asking a bomb squad if an old bomb is still "real" is not the best thing to do if you want to save it." - denim

06-03-2004, 10:54 AM	#4 (permalink)
absorbentishe Boy am I horny today Location: T O L E D O, Toledo!!	What find this is! Must rent it tonight.

06-03-2004, 01:29 PM	#6 (permalink)
shakran Tone.	What the. . . OK I just checked my DVD and it definitely sounds like the soldier says "Pull the other one," not "get away!"

06-07-2004, 03:48 AM	#11 (permalink)
grayman you can't see me Location: Illinois	In high school, a buddy of mine had me help him act out the peasant scene and the black knight scene for a literary interpretation speech in a speech class. The teacher loved it, he got an A, I got an A (not even my speech) and he kept gushing about how much we must have rehearsed to be so good. Truth is, my friend asked me in the hall that morning if I would help him out. I love this movie. __________________ That's right - I'm a guy in a suit eating a Blizzard. F U.

06-10-2004, 12:16 PM	#12 (permalink)
kurtisj Insane Location: The Wick	cant go wrong with some monty python __________________ Marvin the Mountie Always Gets His Kurtisj.

06-13-2004, 09:49 PM	#13 (permalink)
Dungeon_Shade Crazy Location: Grand Junction, CO	Haha this is sweet. I love the political sceen towards the beginning. I also like "how do you know he's a king?" "He aint got shit all over him" I have the entire movie memorized. Best. Comedy. EVAR. __________________ "If you can hear this whispering you are dying."- Pink Floyd

06-15-2004, 06:11 PM	#16 (permalink)
heccubusiv #1 Irish Fan Location: The Burgh	a great find, i gotta find a campus computer lab to print it out __________________ Fuck Ohio

06-16-2004, 04:05 PM	#17 (permalink)
H12 I'm not about getting creamed, I'm about winning! Location: K-Town, TN	I just got done watching it again for my first time in forever. Thank you, TFP, for reminding me of that classic. __________________ "We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence, therefore, is not an act, but a habit." --Aristotle

06-17-2004, 01:51 AM	#18 (permalink)
clonmult Crazy Location: Wherever I lay my hind quarters	Haven't watched it in years ... my favourite is the Black Knight skit ("Its only a flesh wound"). My sister and I quoted Monty Python for years ... not many people understood us.