The Favorite FAMILY GUY Quote Thread

[sloindahed]

I've got a lot on my mind so here it goes:

Brian: I think I'm in love.

Peter: Oh my God!!!... You can talk!!!
*************************************

Brian: Shouldn't you drop the gifts off now?

Peter: I dropped them all off yesterday.

Brian: "All"? Only one was supposed to go to charity.

Peter: They all said "from" the family.

Brian: No, they said "for" the family.

Peter: Aw crap! When did they change the meaning of "from" to "for"?

Brian: They had a meeting about it last night.

Peter: How come nobody tells me about these things?

Brian: Well the card said "FOR Peter" and you probably thought it was "FROM" you. So, maybe you thought... you know what, it's just easier to call you stupid.
***********************************************

Stewie being interviewed talking about Lois.

Stewie: About that killing thing: It's not that I want to KILL her, I just don't want her LIVING... anymore.
************************************************

Brian: The last plague is the death of your first-born son.

Peter: Oh no!!! Stewie!!!

Brian: Your "FIRST-BORN" son.

Peter: Meg!!!

Brian: Your wife.

Peter: Chris!!!

*************************************************

Chris (after being crushed by a statue): I see a bright light.

Peter: That's good son. Walk toward the light.

Lois: No Chris!!! Walk away!!!
************************************************

Peter: I know about this stuff. I read about it in a book once.

Brian: Are you sure it was a book? Are you sure it wasn't NOTHING?

Peter: Oh yeah.
*************************************************

[HeadyIncognito]

Originally posted by sloindahed
Peter: I know about this stuff. I read about it in a book once.

Brian: Are you sure it was a book? Are you sure it wasn't NOTHING?

Peter: Oh yeah.

That one is the best. Although I like that bit where... uh... Oh yeah. They're in a bar, and Peter is telling a joke.

Peter: So, a chinese guy, a jew and a naked priest walk into a bar. Oh wait, hold on.

*Peter looks around. To his left is a large group of chinese looking people. To his right is a group of orthodox jews.*

Peter: Ok, yeah. So a chinese guy, a jew and a naked priest walk into a.... Oh. Sorry father.

Naked Priest: Oh, I've heard them all.

[RedCometChar]

Redneck kid with VCR #1: It's mah turn with the sexbox!

Redneck kid with VCR #2: It's MAH sexbox! And her NAME is Sony!

[sadistikdreams]

oh man. i love te episode when...

"things got a little too real."

[glytch]

Ahhh man I wish I could remember this quote exactly but there's one scene where one guy is asking another to go to a bar and he says somthing like "Well, looks like (his wife) is going to have another black eye to explain to the neighbors"

Should I have used quotes if I butchered the quote? I know I shouldn't have even tried, but that joke had me laughing for weeks.

[CrazyIntent]

Peter: Thanks to you, our son has a huge wang.
Lois: Thanks to me?
Peter: Well he didn't get it from me.

[The_Dude]

wow, i've seen all the episodes quoted from.

and almost everythin that comes out of stewie's mouth is funny.

[h2g2Fan]

I completely disagree with the politics of it, but I couldn't stop laughing when I heard this.

Lois : "Anybody want more pizza rolls?"
Peter : "Yeah yeah yeah, quiet, Lois. 'Murder, She Wrote'."

(On TV)
Jessica: "Charles Monson! After all these years!"
Charles: "Jessica Fletcher! Why, I haven't seen you since you had the uh, the, uh. . ."
Jessica: "You can say it, Charles. I'm not ashamed. Abortion."

Peter: "Aha! So she's the murderer!"

[shred_head]

Most of the lines from that show are funny quotes. A couple that have always stuck out in my mind are:

Lois: "But Peter, why would they make you President?"
Peter: "Well maybe it's because I can recite all fifty states in a quarter of a second...........<yelp>."
Lois: "Peter that was just a loud yelping noise."

Stewie: "If you cooked any more slowly you wouldn't need an egg timer, you'd need an egg calendar......oh that's right....I went there."

News Anchor Tom Tucker: "Next up, stay tuned for our special investigative report on the clitoris: Nature's Rubic's Cube."

[Gortexfogg]

I can't cite this one exactly, but here it goes:

Peter: Look, Lois, my alphabit soup is trying to tell me something! It's saying "Ooooooooooo"

Lois: Those are cheerios, Peter.

[im2smrt4u]

Meg: Mom, If you get elected can you fix it so I win homecoming queen?
Lois: Oh honey, of course I can. But winning without honor isn't really winning at all. Isn't that right Milli?
Milli: No it's just as good.

[Mr. Spacemonkey]

(Peter at work)

Peter - "Why do women have boobs?"

(male crowd looks on in anticipation)

Peter - "So ya got something to look at when your talkin to them."

(The Men Laugh, women walks into room (as men walk away) and says, "Jokes? I like jokes!")

Peter - "Oh yea? Well then youll love this one: Why do women have boobs?"

(Woman gasps, peter goes on)

Peter - "So ya got something to look at when your talkin to them."

(Peter laughs. Woman is silent.)

Peter - "So ya got something to look at when your talkin to them."

(Again, woman is silent as Peter laughs)

[sloindahed]

(Chris is talking on the phone)

Chris: So what are you wearing? (Pause) Wow, I bet you could see right through that!

Lois: Chris, who are you talking to?

Chris: Grandma.

[fhqwhgads]

Peter: Holy crip, he's a crapple!

[CrazyIntent]

[Riding a circus elephant.]
Peter: Look Lois, the two symbols of the Republican Party: an elephant, and a fat white guy who is threatened by change.


[While trying to potty-train Stewie]
Peter: Maybe you don't have to pee. I'll just give you some beer, it'll run right through you.
Stewie: Beautiful. And while we're at it we can light up a dubey and watch porn!
Peter: Rea...Really?

[Pedialyte]

[Refering to the food lois has made]
Peter: If im sleeping just stick it in my mouth and rub my throat.

[The_Dude]

peter:i see ur bum
stewieh great y dont u take a picture u pervert so i'll have sumthing to bring to court!

-------------

Brian: say something please.
Stewie: Like what?!
Brian: I dont know anything
Stewie: Yay and god said to Abraham, "you will kill your son Issak." and abraham said "i cant hear you, you'll have to speak in to the micraphone." and god said "oh im sorry is this better, check check, jerry, jerry, pull the high end out im still getting some his back here."

(when brian is sayin farewells to his stuffed mother)

-------------

and everytime he says "blasted"

[Jim Kata]

Chris to a twinkie: "I'm gonna turn you into poop."
*******************************************
Chris to Meg: "Quit hogging all the....ugly.
*******************************************
Quagmier to Lois: "I think I know where you are going with this Lois and I'm semi there."
*******************************************

[punx1325]

Judge: I sentancing you to 24 months in prison.

Lois: Oh No

Meg: Oh No

Chris: Oh No

Kool-Aid Man: Oh YEA! (akward silence...slowly backs out of room).

[jhericurl21]

Sir you can't park your van on diving board
****************
Peter-"So Lois wants to find a job, we'll I told her you got a a job right here!(points to his crotch), This darn zipper been broke for a week

[mercury-hg]

(Two baseball players at Peter's company picnic)
Baseball Player 1: Hey want some gum?
Baseball Player 2: Sure (takes gum and puts it in his mouth)
BP1: HAHAHA that was trick gum!! now you're addicted to heroin!! hahah!!!
BP2: (starts shivering) I'm cold...

[HeAtHeN]

Originally posted by mercury-hg
(Two baseball players at Peter's company picnic)
Baseball Player 1: Hey want some gum?
Baseball Player 2: Sure (takes gum and puts it in his mouth)
BP1: HAHAHA that was trick gum!! now you're addicted to heroin!! hahah!!!
BP2: (starts shivering) I'm cold...

Best quote ever. I missed the next 3 minutes of the show after that...

[Quadraton]

Originally posted by Gortexfogg
I can't cite this one exactly, but here it goes:

Peter: Look, Lois, my alphabit soup is trying to tell me something! It's saying "Ooooooooooo"

Lois: Those are cheerios, Peter.

Actually, if you'll permit me to make a correction, Peter was with Brian when he said that.

==================================

[Man in Chicken Suit]: It's Y2K man!!
[Peter]: Y2...k...what are you selling, chicken, or sex jelly?

==================================

[Lois]: Peter. You can only play the piano when you're drunk!
[Peter]: That's not true. I can also vomit, fall down, and make dirty phone calls to your sister.

==================================

[Waitress]: Here try some of Flappy's Pancakes.
[Stewie]: Mmmm. These are absolutely delectable. Good news Flappy! I've decided not to kill you!

==================================

I'll add more when I can think of some

[seethreepo]

Peter's take on "Hammertime" is classic.

[djtestudo]

"I don't take coupons from giant chickens...not after last time."

"Max, let's not forget our heritages. You're Jewish. You're good with money. I'm Irish. I drink and keep homosexuals from marching in my parade."

"Holy Mother, it's the Holy Father!"

Chris (holding John 3:16 sign): "I'm ready to go."
Peter: I always wondered what that means."
Brian (reading from Bible): "And the Lord said, 'Go Sox'."

Peter (in synagouge): "Hey look there's Meg's principal. There's Bill Nye the Science Guy...and half of Lenny Kravitz! Optimus Prime? He's Jewish?"
(Truck drives in, transformes into Jewish Optimus Prime, complete with scarf and yarmaulke)

The "I Need a Jew" song is probably the funniest moment in the entire series.

So many more...

[sloindahed]

Cop: Hey that's against the law! You're coming with me.

Peter: Ah ah ah! Can't touch me!
(Music to "Hammertime" starts and Peter starts dancing)
Can't touch me!

Ju.. ju.. ju.. ju.. just like the bad guy from Lethal Weapon 2
I've got diplomatic immunity
So Hammer you can't sue
I can write graffiti even jaywalk on the street
I can riot, loot, not give a hoot, and touch your sister's teet
Can't touch me!
Can't touch me!

(Peter starts doing the worm)

Mayor West: What in God's name is he doing?!

Peter: Can't touch me!

Cleveland: I believe that's the worm.

Peter: Stop! Peter time!
I'm a big-shot, there's no doubt
Light a fire then pee it out
Don't like it? Kiss my rump
Kiss for a minute, let's all do the bump

Can't touch me!
Yeah, do the Peter Griffin bump
Can't touch me!

I'm presidential Peter; interns think i'm hot
Don't care if your handicapped, I'll still park in your spot
I've been around the world, from Hartford to Bagbay
(Starts rapping)
It's Peter
Go Peter
I'm so Peter
Yo Peter
Let's see Regis rap this way
Can't touch me!

(Music stops)

(Peter talking to a blonde)
Except for you. You can touch me.

[djtestudo]

Meg: "I could be being groped by a really cute guy right now."
Lois: "Now Meg, don't give it all up at once...make him work for it."

[big_bubba]

Brian: Peter, You need to learn to be a gentleman. Repeat after me. "Hello, how do you do? What a lovely day."

Peter: Hello, How do you do? After Hogan's Heroes, Bob Crane's head was beaten in by his friend who video taped him having rough sex.

Brian: Well obviously my work here is done. But JUST FOR THE HELL OF IT, let's try again.





Or something to that effect, I can't remember exactly.

[^dude]

LOL, just reading these makes me want to stick in the family guy DVD.

[Beltruckus]

Man in white: I have to get out of here

Stewie: i'm sorry we fresh out of that, all thats left is UNTIMELY DEATH!!

[a_divine_martyr]

Welcome to Cheesy Charlies! HEIL SATAN!

[Tom Thumb]

Not technically a quote, but...

Diamonds: She'll pretty much have to

[sloindahed]

(Peter, as a child, is in a museum)

Peter: Why did all the dinosaurs die out?

Professor: Because you touch yourself at night.

[djtestudo]

"How ironic...Rogers...almost rhymes with ELIMINATE!"

[MPower]

Brian: I've licked my share of peanutbutter.

[frankx]

Peter: "They can kiss the fattest part of my ass!"

[archer2371]

Stewie: Look at him, he runs like a Welshman!

[BuddyHawks]

Mayor Adam West: I like it almost as much as I like Taffy; and I'm and man who enjoys his Taffy. "Proceeds to savor a piece of Taffy for two minutes"

[utang]

*Peter playing poker with Michael Eisner, Bill Gates and Ted Turner*
Ted Turner: Are aces high or low?
Peter: They go both ways.
Bill Gates: Heh, he said they go both ways.
*Everbody laughs*
Ted Turner: Like a bisexual
Michael Eisner: Thank you Ted, that was the joke.

[Mr. Mojo]

Not a quote, but a frightening story -

On September 11, 2001 Seth MacFarlane (Creator of the show) was scheduled to return to Los Angeles on American Airlines Flight 11 after being a keynote speaker at his alma-mater in Rhode Island. Due to a mix-up by his travel agent he was told that his flight was scheduled to depart at 8:00am but it really departed at 7:45am and he had arrived at Boston Logan Airport a few minutes after boarding was stopped on his flight and he was told he would have to wait for the next flight. At 8:45am one hour after the departure of American Airlines Flight 11 it was hijacked by terrorists and crashed into One World Trade Center (North Tower) in New York City killing all onboard.

In an interview in USA Today a few days after the September 11th attacks MacFarlane said that he was unable to get in touch with his office or his family in Los Angeles and he ended up driving half way across the country before he finally was able to get his office and his wife to tell them that he was alright. He also said that he thanked god that his travel agent had screwed up the departure time or he would have been on board and he wouldn't have known what to do when the terrorists took over the plane.