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Old 03-14-2008, 09:42 PM   #1 (permalink)
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The 5 things: Swordfish

I'm trying something new here, so bear with me.

Swordfish is a fucking awesome movie.

Hugh Jackman plays the vigilante hacker, Stanley Jobson, who tried to valiantly prevent the government from illegally spying on people with his mad "best hacker in the world" skills, only to be caught by universal badass Don Cheadle who plays Agent J.T. Roberts, heading up the cyber-crimes task force for the government. Agent J.T. Roberts snapped because of the pressures, shooting a suspect in the hand. Stanley, being caught and prosecuted for his patriotic hacking has his only daughter taken from him and put in the custody of his ex who happens to be married to a porn financier.

And all of this happens before the first scene of the movie.

John Travolta's Gabriel Shear is probably one of the coolest characters in recent movie history. How to fight terrorism? Gabriel Shear fights it with terrorism! He gives badass monologues about how Dog Day Afternoon would have been better had Sonny murdered a hostage right away, drives a TVR, and employs uber-hottie Ginger Knowles (Halle fucking Berry)... who happens to be topless in the film.

For all intents and purposes, this is an awesome film. That is, except for 5 things:

1) John Travolta's soul patch

Right off you're going to notice something is wrong with John Travolta. At first glance you'll think it's his hair. I did. But you'll realize the hair wasn't really an issue until someone decided it'd be ultra-chic to stick something that would have been tacky in the 70s under his big fat mouth. It made him look like that guy at the club who grooms his facial hair for fun, and who has a lot of time on his hands to do so. He went from internationally cool to a guy named "Guster" who doesn't button quite enough buttons and goes to clubs where they let 17 year olds in.

Just to prove it wasn't the long hair:

See? Totally normal. It was the caterpillar under his lip that ruined everything.

2) A way-too-adjusted daughter
This is a mistake made in a lot of movies. The worst offenders are anything with Haley Joel Osment or Dakota Fanning, but this one takes it a bit further and lets the costume designer's intern dress her up in addition to her "Oh daddy, I understand why you hacked into the FBI in order to protect our privacy, and I recognize that mommy is a slut but despite living with her I've somehow developed the kind of emotional stability that usually takes decades of therapy" attitude. COMON! She lives in a house where they shoot porn, her mom probably lies about her bio-dad constantly, a bio-dad who's been ordered by a court that he can't even talk to her. She should be acting like people who appear on reality tv. On the E! channel. Yeah.

3) Hugh Jackman's actual hacking scene
Wow, that's a cool computer! Tech-talk works, the setup would make Bill Gates cut his hair and put on his Sunday finest, and then we get to the hacking. Stan sits down with a few bottles of wine... whoa wait, wine? He's going to hack a bank that utilizes a 512 bit encryption, drop in a hydra.. and he's throwing back a well aged sauvignon blanc? Oh... that's just the beginning. As he's cracking the encryption to even use the system, he starts dancing and yelling at the computer, like a crazy person might. Is Stanley supposed to be crazy?

Note to movie makers: hacking involves one drink and one activity: red bull and porn.

4) Underusing Tate Donovan
This is a no-brainer. If you've hired Tate "Love Potion No. 9" Donovan, you better fucking utilize him to his fullest. Anything less is a travesty of wasted talent. Christ, didn't you see Space Camp?

5) The title of the film
I get what it means. I had to wait until the end to get it, but I get it. But why is it that I find myself having to explain the title over and over again? Because it's the password on the account with the $9.5b in it. But that's not even the beginning. It actually dates back to a reference from 1932 in the Marx Bros. movie Horse Feathers (if you've not seen it, do your best it's hilarious).

Groucho Marx is trying to access a speakeasy (or place one could acquire alcohol during the prohibition), to which the password was "Swordfish". From then on it's been often used as a joking reference to the scene in Horse Feathers by being used repeatedly as a password. Of course this blatant reference not only wasn't mentioned in the film, but it really doesn't fit with the ambiance of the film at all. Swordfish isn't supposed to be silly (at least not intentionally)

Thoughts?
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Old 03-14-2008, 10:14 PM   #2 (permalink)
With a mustache, the cool factor would be too much
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by willravel

Thoughts?
Funny post, will.

But really, my thoughts?
Too much thought put into Swordfish thread; not enough Halle Berry's breastseses.


/thread needs Berry's pics
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Old 03-16-2008, 07:42 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Well-adjusted teenagers? Instant bullshit-o-meter bells.

Nice review.
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Old 03-16-2008, 09:53 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Could use a little more biting humor. Might I suggest the following addition:

Travolta looks like a little man-juice dribbled down his chin and a patch of hair grew there.
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Old 03-16-2008, 11:16 AM   #5 (permalink)
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isn't this the movie where Jackman is getting a BJ in public, got a gun to his head and he's got to hack something at the same time?
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Old 03-16-2008, 11:35 AM   #6 (permalink)
... a sort of licensed troubleshooter.
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Cynthetiq
Isn't this the movie where Jackman is getting a BJ in public, got a gun to his head and he's got to hack something at the same time?
Yes, it's glorious.
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Old 03-16-2008, 02:14 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Does anyone else think they got Halle Berry's tits out specifically to get people to see this crap? Sorry will, I just don't see the awesomeness of this film...
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Old 03-16-2008, 02:47 PM   #8 (permalink)
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yeah he was getting a BJ from some girl that I was like "oh damn, ohh, oh damn"

I think it pretty much distracted me from the movie, well, the rest of it anyway.


but yeah, the soundtrack to swordfish is hawt. You should "acquire" it.
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Old 03-16-2008, 03:48 PM   #9 (permalink)
... a sort of licensed troubleshooter.
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by spindles
Does anyone else think they got Halle Berry's tits out specifically to get people to see this crap?
Well it worked... but it actually did fit with her character.
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