taboo

an affair...

how do you do it...!!!

SiN

um, more details, please?

degree of committment, extent of the 'infidelity'?

only then can we advise.

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maleficent

Is this the story?

http://www.tfproject.org/tfp/showthread.php?t=88519

this what you are trying to 'get over'??

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taboo

exactly ..

i really fell in love with this person,
and I think of him every day, non-stop..

I want to know if anyone has been through
a similar experiene and can relate..

I don't want to get into details...there are too many and they are personal.

I also don't fall into the "she fell for the older man because he was unattainable.." category...

I had a true connection with this person on many levels..

any insights?

SiN

well, look around the forums, other people do it

just needs to be presented in a readable fashion, as far as i'm concerned.

anyways, based on my limited information (this thread only) my advise/input is ...

you might want to look into therapy.
being hung up on an unnatainable (married person) without getting the concept that the sea is full of fishes is a problem.
it is not healthy.

dare I also say that therapy could also help with a pretty strong needyness/maniplativeness that i sense?

it is a good sign that you are questioning all of it.

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taboo

i am aware that there are other fish in the sea,
and I'm seeing someone right now.

Problem is, I never got closure from this "event"..
and I know that the possibility of ever getting closure is close to none..

maleficent

Why do you think you had a true connection with him.. on what levels?

You knew going into this that he was married and pretty much unavailable (you never said he was in an open marriage situation, so I'm guessing no he wasn't) What did you think was going to happen? Leave his wife and live happily ever after with you?

You were given a lot of sound advice in your previous thread which it seems you chose to ignore and get involved with this guy... What was it about him that just drew you in?

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taboo

we had a mental connection more than anything.

we would talk about everything and anything together ect ect ect..

and no, i didn;t expect him to leave with me and live happily ever after;

i knew where i was headed. i just couldn't stop myself.

i knew i was going to pay the price after, as i am.

but i developed a beautiful connection with someone that
will always stay special. so in that respect, it was "wprth it", as bad as that sounds to someone who hasn;t been there.

does that answer your question?

Sultana

That must be painful, I'm sorry you're going through it.

-How about remembering/focusing on the fact that he does NOT feel the same way about you--if he did, you'd be together, no? (and his wife and kids probably devistated...).

-Realize that he will Never, Ever be there for you for the special times, the holidays, the times you may need him, and that's his choice. The time he did spend with you was likely completely at his convenience, yes?

-Make a conscious decision/effort to think about other topics/get involved in an activity whenever you find your mind wandering towards him (kinda like quitting smoking, I guess).

-Focus more on the person you're seeing now.

-Lastly, I recommend you remember this heart-rending pain as motivation to not put yourself in this position again. Pain usually is there to teach us something (or at least, it's a positive way to look at/deal with pain).

I hope that helps. I also have a question for you, if you don't mind...

Did you make an effort to not allow yourself to get emotionally involved, knowing he would not leave his family? Or did you just throw yourself into it, letting the chips fall where they may?

I really, really hope you get past this as quickly and gently as possible...I wish you good luck, and better choices for the future.

__________________
"Love is a snowmobile racing across the tundra and then suddenly it flips over, pinning you underneath.
At night, the ice weasels come." -

Matt Groening

My goal? To fulfill my potential.

taboo

thanks for your reply Sultana.

You know, it;s weird.. I wasn't with him
to fullfill any physical thing.

We got along very well from the beginning,
and that evolved into something more.

If all I wanted was to get physically close to someone, why would I do that with someone like that? I wouldn;t find it thrilling for that purpose.

Although I do feel extremely bad for having done what I did--at the same time, I also don;t regret it in other respects..

genuinegirly

Give it time.
Remember it's not going to work out in one day.

__________________
"Sometimes I have to remember that things are brought to me for a reason, either for my own lessons or for the benefit of others." Cynthetiq

"violence is no more or less real than non-violence." roachboy

Impetuous1

I can't say I have any sympathy for you Taboo. You must hold yourself accountable for your own actions. You should have never allowed yourself to be put in that situation in the first place once you knew where it was going. I have a feeling that you probably have low self confidence and just wanted to see if you could "get" this guy. Perhaps you have a fear of commitment and just wanted someone unattainable that you would never have to be serious about. I believe in Karma and sooner or later it's going to come around and take a huge bite out of your ass when you least expect it.

Now, advice. Concentrate on the one you are with. Why don't you try falling in love with him or someone who is actually available to you. Or is that too scary and not fun enough because you don't get to ruin someone's future?

I know this post sounds bitter, but after reading the previous thread I don't see what you are complaining about.

Just out of curiousity, how did it end?

taboo

well, it HAS bitten me in the ass, big time...still is.

i don;t have low self-confidence at all actually and i dont; fear commitment either--those are very stereotypical assumptions. and no, i don;t get high off of affecting someone's life in any negative way.

taboo

in a related post, I remember some people had been through the same thing...what are some suggestions for recovering..?

zkara

Walk away and never look back.

Love yourself enough to keep looking forward. It is easy to not think about something that has happened that hurt immensely. Heard of 'selective memory'? While you should learn from what you had experienced, you can also wipe out the memory if you are determined to do so. Just like quitting smoking. I quit cold turkey. It wasn't hard. I actually found joy in not having to pop a mint, telling my friends at the bar, 'hold on a sec.. i'm gonna go out for a fag', having my boyfriend take a big sniff in my hair thinking he's gonna get a pleasant sweet shampooey smell but jerk away in disgust at the smell of cigarettes, getting into my car and smelling a faint stale cigaretty odor..

Just don't look back because what's in front of you is fresh candy while what's behind you is chewed up gum. Love yourself. Protect yourself. Find joy in your present and your future. The past is just a memory and a lesson to build your character.

I wish you all the best.

taboo

thanks for your post zkara..very insightful

it's been a tough journey..it's difficult when everything that you are surrounded by--things, environment, people, remind you of that person..

zkara

No problem, Taboo. Bouts of crying and depression is normal, especially when you are still surrounded by so much that reminds you of him. Just know that once you are done drying your tears, you are picking yourself up, dusting yourself off, pasting a smile on your face, and sauntering off with a sexy sway.

Having an affair might be a mistake, getting hurt might be a tragedy, but the most important part of it all is what you have learned. Carry your chin high, give your hair a toss and walk forward with the confidence that you now know better, and you are one step ahead of knowing who you are, and how you want yourself to be.

Also know that you have the community here. You are not alone, you have the tfp.

taboo

thanks again

taboo

any more words of wisdom or advice..?

Guinevere

My dear taboo. I hope you're doing ok. I can so relate to what you feel since I too have affairs of the heart. Those who say to you...'how foolish, how reckless..' are being unkind. We are complex individuals with needs that are unique and most often ill-defined. Don't listen to those who judge you--you are no doubt hard enough on yourself.

Since you had no closure with him and that's something important to your emotional nature, that one thing may haunt you for a very long time. I guess that's not what you wanted to hear is it? I wish I had a magic formula to help heal your heart and quiet your mind but I don't. It is important that you be as honest as possible with yourself about the situation. You will grow weary of being sad but you have to find a way to release the sadness and regret. I find that long, hard walks are very helpful in clearing the mind. Finding your center again is a very long journey but you can do it. I speak from experience so I can assure you--there is life and great love after the affair. Let me know how you're doing, ok.

shesus

I'm not sure what more cookie cutter advice anyone could give. As SiNi said, with the lack of details it's tough to help. I'd say you made your bed now sleep in it. From reading the related post, it seems that you knew this would happen from the start. Nothing good could come from this and it didn't. I would just hope that karma doesn't come and bite you in the ass too.

I know that if my husband had an affair I would wish a lot of pain on the woman and him. It shows a lack of respect for everyone involved.

__________________
Whatever did happen to your soul?
I heard you sold it

Choose Heaven for the weather and Hell for the company

Sultana

I'd say this is at least partially what's happening now, eh?

__________________
"Love is a snowmobile racing across the tundra and then suddenly it flips over, pinning you underneath.
At night, the ice weasels come." -

Matt Groening

My goal? To fulfill my potential.

shesus

Not unless her recent/current bf is cheating on her. That's how Karma works, she's just feeling the ramifications of her actions right now.

__________________
Whatever did happen to your soul?
I heard you sold it

Choose Heaven for the weather and Hell for the company

taboo

yes, it has come back and bitten me in the ass, if that's what you're all trying to prove and get to. I accept that, for the record.
Thanks Guinevere--I guess if someone hasn;t been through it, they really can;t relate. I'm doing much better now. However, there are times when it strikes me back, and it's pretty painful. I wish I can see him only once to speak to him, wish him my best, and then I would be ok to never see or speak to him again. I would like just to see him once, have a heart to heart, and then part our seperate ways. But unfortunately, even that is impossible..

mymichell

I am going to approach this from the other side of the fence. Years ago, my husband had an affair. She knew we were married. She knew I was pregnant. She knew we already had a child. However, all she knew of our actual relationship is what he told her. The stress from the whole situation put me in the hospital. She had the nerve to call me to see if I was faking just to get him back. (My OB promptly got on the phone and told her to leave my husband alone "homewrecker") She honestly thought I should have no right to be upset or to try to reconcile with my husband because he was "in love" with her. To make a long story short, he came home, we went to counseling and are very happily still married with a 3rd child.

I am guessing she also needs closure because, even though it's been 7 years, she contacted my husband about 2 months ago on another website he's a member of. He told her he was sorry to have hurt her but to please not contact him again.

In a way, I feel bad for her that she is obviously hanging onto this to some degree. Very sad really. However, she put herself in this situation. She and my husband are equally to blame in my eyes. That affair still affects our relationship to some degree. I don't regret reconciling, but truthfully, I wish she would get run over by a bus or something.

I guess what I'm saying is, regardless of how you feel about the wife, show her some respect and just leave him alone. Forever. If they try to work things out, prove you care about him and stay away. Talking to him at any point will only cause more problems for them. And honestly, the only way for you to get past this is to try to forget about him. And don't EVER put yourself where you know you'll be around him.

taboo

......heh.... the funny thing is that there is a strong possibility I will be working with him again..and I don't think I can do it. Also not a good idea at all. I really regret the pain I caused his wife, and I fear her like crazy..
But I've kept my word, as difficult as it has been and still is: I haven't contacted him in months no matter how tempted I've been..and trust me I've been extremely tempted..especially when it hits me again, and I become all nostalgic and wonder how he is, how he's coping, what he's doing, ect.
I've come to terms that this is how things are, and I am very aware that if I contact him in the slightest way, the shit is gonna hit the fan big time.

taboo

it was a tough night again tonight...

percy

Never had an affair so I don't have any advice. I think if I was so selfish to do that, knowing that the other person has a wife and kids, I would feel extremely guilty about it. And I say selfish on my part because it would be my choice to pursue such a path and no one elses. I don't have a need to purposely feel guilty so that's why I haven't gone down that road.

A side note though. I was pursued by a married man who worked in the same building as me. I had lunch with him one day in the cafeteria (he sat down and joined me uninvitedly) and starting putting the moves on me. He asked if he could take me out to dinner and just as I was going to refuse, his wife interupted us with his briefcase he had forgotten that morning. The dirty look on her face directed at me quickly turned uglier when she looked at him after I said, " Sorry, I don't do dinner with married men." Woo haa, to be a fly on the wall at his home during dinner that night.

Sultana

Please tell me you are working aggressively on NOT BEING IN THAT SITUATION. Get a new position, or another job with a different company.

Don't. Do. It.
I am very serious.

__________________
"Love is a snowmobile racing across the tundra and then suddenly it flips over, pinning you underneath.
At night, the ice weasels come." -

Matt Groening

My goal? To fulfill my potential.

taboo

I definately do not want to find myself in that situation. I'm even scared at how much scarring will be caused just by accidently seeing him somewhere one day, let alone working with him..! So yea, definately something I am avoiding..