I'm at a complete loss. (kinda long sorry) - Tilted Forum Project Discussion Community

lillala · 08-21-2005, 05:44 PM

Ok so here's the history. I have been with my bf for 4 months, I know doesn't seem like that long but we have a very strong relationship and it really seems like we've been together longer. Anyways, we met at school and saw each other everyday and when we went back home (we only live about 40 mins away from each other) we still tried to see each other as much as possible, which was practically everyday because he wasn't working. Then he got drafted by the Houston Astro's and moved to Tennessee for the summer season of ball. I've been able to go out and see him twice, I'm actually out visiting him right now. I've been here since the 9th and his mom and his grandma came to town this past week so I've been spending a lot of time with them while he's playing. Since he doesn't have a car here, his mom and gma pick us up for lunch then we drop him off at the field because he has to be there around 2 and then I spend the day with them and then we watch his game. So we've been spending most of the day together.

Anyways, I've never really thought his mom liked me very much. He has an older brother and they just adore his girlfriend but his mom never seemed to warm up to me and I'm not really sure why. My bf has always said that he doesn't see what I see and that she likes me but I've never really seen that but I have tried really hard. Since the day his mom and gma got her they haven't been particularly nice to me. They cut me off when I'm talking and change the subject and never seem too interested in what I have to say and basically are just pretty rude to me. Which started to really bug me.

Yesterday was my birthday and they came and picked us up again and took us to lunch, which was really nice. They gave me some really nice gifts (his mom gave me a pair of earrings) and were pretty pleasant while we were there. On the way out to the car, I decided to put in the earrings she gave me and take mine out and she said "good because those earrings are pretty trashy." That hurt but I got over it. Ok she has different tastes, so what? Later that night at the game a guy proposed to his gf on the field before the game and his mom didn't know I was in earshot but said that she was glad it wasn't her son proposing to me. That really hurt because it was completely uncalled for. Then that night at dinner and today at lunch they practically ignored me so I decided to stay over at one of my friends houses here so they could have some time with my bf without me there and his mom seemed really annoyed by that.

I don't know what to do. If anybody has any advice I would greatly appreciate. I mean I love this guy more that I thought possible but I don't know if I can deal with his mom hating me. It has already caused problems between us and I'm just not sure what to do or if there is even anything I can do.

maleficent · 08-21-2005, 06:04 PM

There's an old adage, a daughter is a daughter all of her life, a son is a son til he takes him a wife...

It sounds like mom has some issues about letting go, he's already travelling a lot with baseball, and is embarking in a pretty exciting career, but to have you, this young woman come along, and take whatever little time he's got left away from her? You, dear, are the enemy and you are taking away her baby (I'm assuming he's the youngest?)

Doesn't make it right, doesn't make sense, and I'd nope that mom was a little more mature about it but it seems to how she handles issues.

You are doing the right thing, by just being nice being pleasant being agreeable trying to get along.. Hopefully mom will come around... Are you able to talk to the other brother's girlfriend? Maybe she was poorly treated at the outset too..

He seems kinda fond of you based on his post... You seem kinda fond of him... I don't think he can tell his mother where to go without causing irreperable harm, but he can ask her to be civil in your presence.. And he seems to be seeing his mom's behavior now...

Hang in there, he seems like he's worth it.

shesus · 08-21-2005, 06:18 PM

Listen to Mal, she is very wise. But I also have some in-sight.

To you 4 months seems like a long time, however to his family it is not. I know that my family wasn't welcoming of outside people. It took my mom almost a year and the rest of my family about 3 years to accept JJ and he is a wonderful guy. It's not that they didn't like him, they are just close knit and outsiders are not blood. My dad's side of the family didn't accept my uncle's wife for about 3 years. Holidays for very uncomfortable to say the least.

I would say that if you really like this guy to ignore the comments and continue be nice to his family. If your bf doesn't see what his mom and grandma are doing then you can't expect him too. That is his family and I have found out that family will get chosen over gfs. Be civil and in time, his family will be fond of you. However, if you aren't civil, the relationship will most likely not work out.

Good luck!

bad jane · 08-21-2005, 11:49 PM

i'm with the above posters. but i'd also add, that even if his family is always rude to you and are never accepting--be polite. i know that is so easy to say and much harder to do! doing anything else will only create more friction between you and her which will eventually lead to friction between you and him. you can't control his mother's behavior or feelings, but you can control your response to it.

if he has a problem with the way his family treats you, he should be the one to bring it up to them. if it gets to the point that you want to make him choose--make sure you are prepared to lose.

lillala · 08-22-2005, 08:10 AM

Update on the situation...

he went out to dinner with them and brought it up and she told him that I'm a cold person and I don't warm up to people. In my opinion and everyone elses, including his, she's the one who has been cold but apparently I'm cold and not very outgoing and he doesn't seem happy with me. Now I thought he was happy. After dinner he called me and I came over and he decided to break up with me because he decided he only thought he had feelings for me but he doesn't. I am so hurt by that and now I'm stuck in Tennessee for another few days.

maleficent · 08-22-2005, 08:34 AM

I'm so sorry that it ended that way... ;(

ophelia783 · 08-22-2005, 08:38 AM

I'm sorry that it turned out for you the way it did; just think of how much worse it would've been if all this would've happened further down the line.

jwoodsga · 08-22-2005, 01:19 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ophelia783

I'm sorry that it turned out for you the way it did; just think of how much worse it would've been if all this would've happened further down the line.

Yeah, hindsight is 20/20, but better a clean break now than somewhere down the line when kids might have been an issue too.

Sorry for the breakup. It hurts nonetheless. Chin up!

shesus · 08-22-2005, 02:40 PM

I apologize for the way that turned out, but you should feel lucky that you got out when you did. As I mentioned the family is usually chosen over the girlfriend. However, do you really want to be in a relationship where you are not first in his life. I have learned from every relationship and I think that you will learn something from this.

However, I'm sorry for your pain and hope that it ends quickly. And don't listen the the math equations about getting over a break up, they aren't true.

la petite moi · 08-22-2005, 08:18 PM

Hey, is your ex the same guy that posted in the Sexuality board about this kind of problem?

ShaniFaye · 08-23-2005, 03:02 AM

It would be VERY coincidental for it NOT to be...I would think the odds of the two different couples having the same problem, moms having issues with trashy earrings, and being in TN, and a guy playing for a farm team for the astros AND being on TFP would be extremely low

ophelia783 · 08-23-2005, 12:50 PM

Yeah, it's the same guy.

lillala · 08-23-2005, 02:03 PM

Oh yeah its definitely the same guy.

the amount of disrespect he's shown me in the past 48 hours is unbelievable. Whether its because of his mom or not. I'm crushed and that's that. I just got back to california so things will be ok...

Thanks for all your support everyone.

ShaniFaye · 08-23-2005, 02:04 PM

*hugs* nothing I say will help the hurt....but Im here for you if you wanna talk or anything!! Im only a PM away

08-21-2005, 05:44 PM	#1 (permalink)
lillala Upright Location: Thousand Oaks, CA	I'm at a complete loss. (kinda long sorry) Ok so here's the history. I have been with my bf for 4 months, I know doesn't seem like that long but we have a very strong relationship and it really seems like we've been together longer. Anyways, we met at school and saw each other everyday and when we went back home (we only live about 40 mins away from each other) we still tried to see each other as much as possible, which was practically everyday because he wasn't working. Then he got drafted by the Houston Astro's and moved to Tennessee for the summer season of ball. I've been able to go out and see him twice, I'm actually out visiting him right now. I've been here since the 9th and his mom and his grandma came to town this past week so I've been spending a lot of time with them while he's playing. Since he doesn't have a car here, his mom and gma pick us up for lunch then we drop him off at the field because he has to be there around 2 and then I spend the day with them and then we watch his game. So we've been spending most of the day together. Anyways, I've never really thought his mom liked me very much. He has an older brother and they just adore his girlfriend but his mom never seemed to warm up to me and I'm not really sure why. My bf has always said that he doesn't see what I see and that she likes me but I've never really seen that but I have tried really hard. Since the day his mom and gma got her they haven't been particularly nice to me. They cut me off when I'm talking and change the subject and never seem too interested in what I have to say and basically are just pretty rude to me. Which started to really bug me. Yesterday was my birthday and they came and picked us up again and took us to lunch, which was really nice. They gave me some really nice gifts (his mom gave me a pair of earrings) and were pretty pleasant while we were there. On the way out to the car, I decided to put in the earrings she gave me and take mine out and she said "good because those earrings are pretty trashy." That hurt but I got over it. Ok she has different tastes, so what? Later that night at the game a guy proposed to his gf on the field before the game and his mom didn't know I was in earshot but said that she was glad it wasn't her son proposing to me. That really hurt because it was completely uncalled for. Then that night at dinner and today at lunch they practically ignored me so I decided to stay over at one of my friends houses here so they could have some time with my bf without me there and his mom seemed really annoyed by that. I don't know what to do. If anybody has any advice I would greatly appreciate. I mean I love this guy more that I thought possible but I don't know if I can deal with his mom hating me. It has already caused problems between us and I'm just not sure what to do or if there is even anything I can do.

08-21-2005, 06:04 PM	#2 (permalink)
maleficent Junkie Moderator Emeritus Location: Chicago	There's an old adage, a daughter is a daughter all of her life, a son is a son til he takes him a wife... It sounds like mom has some issues about letting go, he's already travelling a lot with baseball, and is embarking in a pretty exciting career, but to have you, this young woman come along, and take whatever little time he's got left away from her? You, dear, are the enemy and you are taking away her baby (I'm assuming he's the youngest?) Doesn't make it right, doesn't make sense, and I'd nope that mom was a little more mature about it but it seems to how she handles issues. You are doing the right thing, by just being nice being pleasant being agreeable trying to get along.. Hopefully mom will come around... Are you able to talk to the other brother's girlfriend? Maybe she was poorly treated at the outset too.. He seems kinda fond of you based on his post... You seem kinda fond of him... I don't think he can tell his mother where to go without causing irreperable harm, but he can ask her to be civil in your presence.. And he seems to be seeing his mom's behavior now... Hang in there, he seems like he's worth it. __________________ Free your heart from hatred. Free your mind from worries. Live simply. Give more. Expect less.

08-21-2005, 06:18 PM	#3 (permalink)
shesus Fancy Location: Chicago	Listen to Mal, she is very wise. But I also have some in-sight. To you 4 months seems like a long time, however to his family it is not. I know that my family wasn't welcoming of outside people. It took my mom almost a year and the rest of my family about 3 years to accept JJ and he is a wonderful guy. It's not that they didn't like him, they are just close knit and outsiders are not blood. My dad's side of the family didn't accept my uncle's wife for about 3 years. Holidays for very uncomfortable to say the least. I would say that if you really like this guy to ignore the comments and continue be nice to his family. If your bf doesn't see what his mom and grandma are doing then you can't expect him too. That is his family and I have found out that family will get chosen over gfs. Be civil and in time, his family will be fond of you. However, if you aren't civil, the relationship will most likely not work out. Good luck! __________________ Whatever did happen to your soul? I heard you sold it Choose Heaven for the weather and Hell for the company

08-22-2005, 08:34 AM	#6 (permalink)
maleficent Junkie Moderator Emeritus Location: Chicago	I'm so sorry that it ended that way... ;( __________________ Free your heart from hatred. Free your mind from worries. Live simply. Give more. Expect less.

08-22-2005, 08:38 AM	#7 (permalink)
ophelia783 Insane Location: West Virginia	I'm sorry that it turned out for you the way it did; just think of how much worse it would've been if all this would've happened further down the line. __________________ ~~ He with a sharp tongue slits his own throat ~~

08-21-2005, 11:49 PM	#4 (permalink)
bad jane Insane	i'm with the above posters. but i'd also add, that even if his family is always rude to you and are never accepting--be polite. i know that is so easy to say and much harder to do! doing anything else will only create more friction between you and her which will eventually lead to friction between you and him. you can't control his mother's behavior or feelings, but you can control your response to it. if he has a problem with the way his family treats you, he should be the one to bring it up to them. if it gets to the point that you want to make him choose--make sure you are prepared to lose.

08-22-2005, 08:10 AM	#5 (permalink)
lillala Upright Location: Thousand Oaks, CA	Update on the situation... he went out to dinner with them and brought it up and she told him that I'm a cold person and I don't warm up to people. In my opinion and everyone elses, including his, she's the one who has been cold but apparently I'm cold and not very outgoing and he doesn't seem happy with me. Now I thought he was happy. After dinner he called me and I came over and he decided to break up with me because he decided he only thought he had feelings for me but he doesn't. I am so hurt by that and now I'm stuck in Tennessee for another few days.

08-22-2005, 02:40 PM	#9 (permalink)
shesus Fancy Location: Chicago	I apologize for the way that turned out, but you should feel lucky that you got out when you did. As I mentioned the family is usually chosen over the girlfriend. However, do you really want to be in a relationship where you are not first in his life. I have learned from every relationship and I think that you will learn something from this. However, I'm sorry for your pain and hope that it ends quickly. And don't listen the the math equations about getting over a break up, they aren't true. __________________ Whatever did happen to your soul? I heard you sold it Choose Heaven for the weather and Hell for the company

08-22-2005, 08:18 PM	#10 (permalink)
la petite moi Filling the Void. Location: California	Hey, is your ex the same guy that posted in the Sexuality board about this kind of problem?

08-23-2005, 03:02 AM	#11 (permalink)
ShaniFaye Submit to me, you know you want to Location: Lilburn, Ga	It would be VERY coincidental for it NOT to be...I would think the odds of the two different couples having the same problem, moms having issues with trashy earrings, and being in TN, and a guy playing for a farm team for the astros AND being on TFP would be extremely low __________________ *I want the diabetic plan that comes with rollover carbs. I dont like the unused one expiring at midnite!!*

08-23-2005, 12:50 PM	#12 (permalink)
ophelia783 Insane Location: West Virginia	Yeah, it's the same guy. __________________ ~~ He with a sharp tongue slits his own throat ~~

08-23-2005, 02:03 PM	#13 (permalink)
lillala Upright Location: Thousand Oaks, CA	Oh yeah its definitely the same guy. the amount of disrespect he's shown me in the past 48 hours is unbelievable. Whether its because of his mom or not. I'm crushed and that's that. I just got back to california so things will be ok... Thanks for all your support everyone.

08-23-2005, 02:04 PM	#14 (permalink)
ShaniFaye Submit to me, you know you want to Location: Lilburn, Ga	hugs nothing I say will help the hurt....but Im here for you if you wanna talk or anything!! Im only a PM away __________________ *I want the diabetic plan that comes with rollover carbs. I dont like the unused one expiring at midnite!!*