ShaniFaye

so I was reading Nikki's journal this morning and I thought with the e-ring discussion going on this might kinda go along with it.

For those of you engaged and planning a wedding, or have had a wedding...how did you/are you dealing with the wedding party's expenses?

I know for us when we asked people to participate we outlined exactly what we wanted people to wear, IE...its a renn themed wedding so it needed to be something along those lines for the girls (their choice of dress) and all the guys were to wear leather pants and swordsman shirts and boots of some sort (their choosing). For the girls I showed them many places they could buy inexpensive dresses and we found the shirts for the guys for 40 dollars. When we asked each person we told them upfront...we are paying for this wedding ourselves...we cannot afford to buy your clothes for you...this is what we want you to have...do you want to do it? Giving them a full "out" if they could not afford it. We knew all but one of the guys had leather pants (or pleather...we didnt insist on "leather" we just wanted the look), and Dave loaned him a pair of his to wear so he didnt have to buy any, anyway so the only expense they had was the 40 dollar shirt.

We wanted the best man in a kilt and we did take care of that expense for him so all he had was the shirt to purchase....but he also wants boots like Dave is gonna wear and is more than willing to buy them...cause it wont be a "one time wearing" them kind of situation.

We've only had one person back out....my sisters hubby...cause they were really offended we werent buying the 40 dollar shirt for him, not that it cost too much....that we expected him to purchase it himself. Oh well I told them, not a problem you do not have to be in the wedding party at all...and he was replaced by the person that we had really wanted in the first place.

We do have one other expense that they are responsible for...the hotel room the night before the wedding. We have asked, not demanded, that if at all possible they stay with us at a hotel near the church since the rehearsal and dinner are going to run quite late and we all have to be back at the church by 12 the next day, and its quite a drive from where most of them live (remember this is Atlanta, so while 40 miles might not sound that long...driving on certain parts of 285 can take 45 minutes to go 5 or 6 miles depending on if they are doing construction or not). I blocked enuff rooms to get a 20 dollar discount per room so the room cost is 59 dollars.

Most are staying...we have one or two that really cant afford it, and did I get huffy? nope....I compeletely understand, if I had the money I'd pay for it for them but I cant....thats why Im not INSISTING that they do it, it was a convenience I tried to provide.

So what did you girls do for the people in your wedding?

or...if you were IN a wedding, how were you treated?

(Nikki, I hope you dont mind me jacking your journal entry lol, but the idea was too good to pass up)

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I want the diabetic plan that comes with rollover carbs. I dont like the unused one expiring at midnite!!

maleficent

Let me preface this with entirely too many freaking weddings I've been in, has made me absolutely despise the entire process and what the bridezilla turns into.

In addition to the one I bitched about in Nik's journal...

Wedding 1. College Friend. Not even a close friend, I think she wanted 12 attendents and I was the 12th. Super ugly pink (I HATE PINK) flowered dress, with a fluffly crinoline with a pink frilly hat, and pink dyed shoes, plus pink fake pearls. Travel to Grand Rapids Michigan. Hotel. Total cost for the weekend, not including the lame ass showerS and the wedding gift. OVER 1000.00.

Bridesmaid gift: Cheap silver bookmark engraved with date of the wedding.

15 years later. DIVORCE. (I want a refund)

Wedding 2. My sister. Maid of honor. Stuck with planning not one but three showers because she wanted three showers, that meant three gifts. Super ugly blueish greensih garden party type dress (OH, you can wear it again -- uh huh I attend lots of garden parties) Fake Bake I had to get to pull off this dress the color was so hideous it made us look washed out. Seriously ugly hat. Hairdresser she brought in so we could all have the same hairstyle (that we paid for) My hair was so shellacked with hairspray, that it took three days to get a brush thru it. Dyed shoes that were so uncomfortable I threw them out as soon as I got to the reception (there wasn't one picture of me with shoes on)
Total cost for the weekend: about 600 dollars (I stayed at my parents house)
Brides maid gift: A framed portrait of the bride and groom (and I woudl want this why?)
Result: Still married but now I'm on the hook for niece and nephew gifts.

Wedding 3:
This one wasn't bad. This was a destination wedding, where I was the 'best man'. We went to Petit St Vincent, and the wedding happened on a beach, wearing a very light linen dress (I could haveworn whatever I wanted. and barefoot.
Total cost for the wedding: about 3000 dollars but that included 5 days at PSV. It also cost me about 100K miles to send down someone else who couldn't afford the airfare.
Attendent gift: Drinks at the hotel one night
Result: Still married, baby on the way.

Wedding 4 - Maid of Honor
Christmas eve wedding in Vermont:
Hunter Green (which is my favorite color) velvet dress with big puffy sleeves requiring cleavage that n o one could support (and I AM NOT flat chested) and a big assed butt bow (Not flattering) Green stockings (we looked like we were martians), and green dyed shoes (wich turned my feet green after walking thru snow. and a big green sparkley hair bow. Fake rhinestone jewelry and gloves. THankfully no hat this time. Travel costs and lodging (OH let's all stay at this 'super cute' lodge --which was 4x expensive as any hotel i nthe area.
Total cost for the weekend: 1 sprained ankle as I walked out of the 'super cute' lodge the day after the wedding and slid on an ice patch that the super cute hotel staff never bothered to put salt on. Food poisoning from the really bad breakfast that cost 20 bucks at this super cute lodge. and about 2400. not counting wedding gift. And this 'friend' was annoyed that we didn't take her out for a bachelorette night before the wedding. the 4 bridesmaids and me were all on the hook forthe 4 showers she had, plus a wedding gift
Bridesmaid gift: a cheapass photo album
Wedding result: Divorce.

Wedding 5 - The Second Wedding
OH dear god it was supposed to be simple. Grey satin dress in the middle of august that had grey feathers that went down the deep V in the back -which wer really fun whem my back started to sweat because the reception hall's air conditioning didn't work very well. I felt like a molting duck. floppy grey hat with same feathers, gray gloves that I coudlnt put back on when my feet started to sweat. Grey stockings with some frou frou at the ankle that I couldn't get to line up right (and they cost like 20 bucks, and we had to have 2 pair, just in case, and then the dyed shoes. Then there was travel to Kansas City, and hotel. I get there, only to find out that the bride only had one shower, so we needed to have a second shower for her (Ummm- this wass the second wedding - after shescrewed up the first one, not really entitled)
Total cost for the weekend: about 2000.
Attendent gift: not even a thank you
Result: Two weeks after the wedding, she was caught shagging the best mad... Wedding annulled.

I hate weddings. I have spent 1000's and 1000s of dollars on weddings over the year, and i can honestly say that it's all bullshit. If I could redo any of these weddings, I woulds tell the brides that sharing in the 'special day' is bullshit... Rational thinking people turn into shrews, if its that stressful, elope - -no one is seriously going to care.

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JustJess

Wow.
Well, I did my best to avoid those kinds of experiences. Since we got married in the fall, and I love fall colors, everyone picked a fall color they liked and bought their own dress in that color, anywhere, any design - I just asked that it be simple, not shiny... something they might be able to wear again. I did request sleeveless and ankle length, just so that there was some kind of unity. Most people spent about $70 at David's (they had some nice organza dresses, pretty simple).

I ended up with 4 girls plus my sister as matron of honor. Some of them have money, others don't... but they did have to get their dresses and pay for their accommodations. I had one shower, and we did the bachelorette party thing that same weekend. I told every one of them that because I knew how expensive it was going to be for them (all but one from out of town), I did not expect to receive a wedding present from any of them on top of all that. In fact, only one person did give us a wedding present of the girls. And that's fine with me, I really don't care. They went to a lot of time and money and effort to be there for me, and that's what I needed - not another present (lucky for us, Q's family really did the present thing. Whoa!). When I asked them to be bridesmaids, I also gave them the truth up front about costs, and let them know they didn't have to say yes. However, I also told one or two of the particularly cash-flow-challenged that if they were to need a little help with dress/hotel costs, I could probably rustle something up. We did the group hotel rate/discount thing too.

Q had 5 guys plus his brother as best man. They all rented their own tuxes, paid their own hotel rooms, and went totally nuts on his bachelor partIES. Since all of them can more than afford to, yeah, I did/do expect them to do something for a present. Not anything huge... even a card would have been nice. Currently, 4 of the 6 have. One only just last month, but that's cool.

For the wedding party presents, Q did individual things (got a poker chip set for his brother, golf thingies set for another), and I got my girls necklaces and earrings that matched their particular dresses, from a place online that sells handmade stuff in a wide range (of style and cost).

No one seemed to mind any of the arrangements, except my sister. She freaked out about the bachelorette party a bit - the other girls had decided what they wanted to do (drag queen strip show), and it ended up being a little expensive for her (one salary household, and not a big one). That sucked a bit... I am pretty disappointed in how the night went. She took it out on me, but it's not like I planned the evening. I even offered to give her some cash on the sly to help, but she just yelled at me. *sigh*

Just remember... As long as you're being honest, doing your best to be kind to people, and respecting them as much as possible... there's not a lot else you can do. Everyone has expectations of what they think a wedding should be, and sometimes, what they think YOUR wedding should be. You end up being under a lot of pressure at times from many angles. So no, I don't think you're asking too much. These days, most bridal party people have to pay for their clothing and hotel costs. It's nothing unusual. I do think the bachelor parties in Vegas and New Orleans and all that are asking a bit much, as those weekends can easily cost into the thousands. We went to SIX weddings in one year - take it easy on people!! We tried to.

I hope that helps... ?

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My heart knows me better than I know myself, so I'm gonna let it do all the talkin'.

raeanna74

I've only been in one wedding as a bridesmaid. My wedding cost very little because of all the help we received.

Wedding that I was bridesmaid in. I live in Wisconsin - this was in lower Michigan. I drove to lake Michigan and paid to take the ferry across. She arranged for an Uncle to pick me up and I stayed at her house. She had three other bridesmaids but they all lived nearby. Lightening hit the transformer outside the church on the day of the wedding and we had no lights until about noon. It was an afternoon wedding. Also had no A/C and it was humid. Everyone pitched in to cut, trim, and arrange the 300 white roses she had ordered but which had not arrived till the day of. The bridesmaid's bouquets were made with a fine fern that had tiny thorns in it. They were designed to lay across their arms - STUPID. My arm was cut up even though I attempted to hold mine a little up off my arm. This wasn't possible once I was holding her larger bouquet too. She had TWO dresses of her own and her mother insisted she wear the one the MOTHER bought because the one SHE made wasn't good enough. She had the bridesmaids make or have made their own dresses and bought the material and patterns for them. Also had us purchase matching shoes. Not too bad. Except she didn't buy ENOUGH material for me. I was the tallest of the girls. So I altered the pattern just slightly so that I was able to make the dress floorlength as intended. After I got to the wedding I discovered the other bridesmaids had encountered the same problem, had not altered theirs, and were wearing tealength dresses. Whatever. The dresses were green velvet skirts with dark purple satin tops. The tops were supposed to be made with lining. She had not purchased any lining for me. I made it without. I was the lucky one. With the heat I was feeling much nicer without lining and the material was not shear. The bridesmaid's received necklaces with ceramic roses on them.

My wedding - we had the 3 groomsmen purchase their suits from a source we found. They got double breasted black suits for only about $50 a piece and they were able to keep them then. The women wore pastel green satin dresses. I bought the material and one girl paid for hers to be made, one girl made her own (excellent seemstress), and I made my SIL's. I bought pearl necklaces for each. The guys stayed at hubby's apartment the night before. The girls stayed at my house the night before. We had a college friend who was excellent with a camera to do our pictures. His ambition was photagraphy so he was given some of the photos for his portfolio. My dress was my mother's with no alterations. The girls were just asked to buy (or use what they had) simple white dress shoes without open toes. They were then able to use them later. We had some friends who played the trumpet and violin provide some of the music. I did not use the wedding march. They played Trumpet Voluntare, and I forget the other piece - both with trumpets. Those who helped were all given corsages and did not have to pay for more than their travel which for most was no more than a 2 hour drive. We were lucky to have so many friends willing to help. The ladies of my church all pitched in to help with the food for the reception in the church basement. We had a full meal with all guests invited. My family paid for the food but each lady from the church prepared the foods. I had one girl at church who was excellent with cake decorating (had won awards) make our cake and had planned to pay her for it. In the end she said it was her gift to us. It was a three tiered white basketweave cake on which my mother placed real flower arrangements. The flowers were lillies, peach carnations, Blue forget-me-nots, and English Ivy. My grandpa who was a florist for 30 years along with my mother made all the arrangements from a mixture of silk and real flowers. My wedding was in the spring - April. It rained that morning but was clear by the afternoon when we had our wedding. We were married in a small white church with stained glass windows. The church had been built in 1901 and had started another church soon after - the church it had started was the one where my parents had been married. We included a lot of tradition and a lot of new in our wedding. No one had much to do and it was a miracle it turned out like it did. That miracle was a result of our friend's and families efforts.

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"Always learn the rules so that you can break them properly." Dalai Lama
My Karma just ran over your Dogma.

maleficent

One more wedding rant then I'll stop for a bit...

Even not going to the wedding adds up... A few months back I was sitting on a bridal shower invitation (for a person I had to ask around to find out who they were) and not one but two wedding invites from people I worked with another lifetime ago. I have no intention of going to these weddings because these people really weren't friends, but ettiquette says that it's proper to send a gift... So I was on the hook for two gifts - I should have sent a shower gift but ---oops I forgot.

You reach a certain age, ( I always thoguht my mother was making this up) and you become a professional guest... You get invited places because people know you won't show up but also know that you will send a gift.. best of all worlds.

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JustJess

Yeah, I do think that's sketchy. That was one of the arguments we had with both parents - NO, we're not inviting them if we don't know them. I don't care if Cousin Who-the-fuck-cares is going to be offended... we've never met them! I couldn't pick them out of a lineup!!
Clearly, Mal, fuck the etiquette. I see no reason you should enforce their belief that they can invite practical strangers... that's ridiculous. I will send a gift when I don't attend IF they're an actual friend/relative I know. But otherwise? They're just fishing, and the bait ain't good enough.

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My heart knows me better than I know myself, so I'm gonna let it do all the talkin'.

*Nikki*

I think the bride has to always remember and consider the expenses to those involved in the wedding party.

That is why I only had one attendant. I told her she could pick out and buy her own dress and shoes, something she would most definately get some use out of in the future. I even told her she could pick the color. I trusted her and we have similar tastes. The best man was my husbands father and his only expense in all of this was his tux. My husbands family paid for nothing except the rehersal dinner which was VERY low key, at their house, and we had take out chicken from a resteraunt and some side dishes.
My maid of honor was treated to a FREE night at the Inn where the wedding was (the night of the wedding) and I also gave her a gift bag with many things in it I knew she would like. They were treated as well as my husband and I and got free food also for breakfast. They stayed in a room as nice if not nicer then the one we did.

I don't see why it is so hard for a bride to respect the bridal party members. If you know you can't afford to help them out with costs, then don't pick out shit you know they can't afford to buy! It's really that simple.

Can anyone tell I am still really pissed off?

lurkette

Being in a wedding involves expenses. You made that clear up front, and people had the chance to back out. If they agree, they're accepting everything that comes with it. If they have to back out now because of finances, be understanding. Sounds like you're doing that.

I've only been in two weddings - my best friend from high school, and my sister. Both times I was the matron of honor. I paid all my own expenses - that's just expected, as far as I know, and I knew what I was getting into when I agreed. Granted, both brides were very conscious about expenses and tried to find dresses that weren't over the top, and let us pick out our own shoes and such. I've never been in a bridezilla wedding, but then I don't have any bridezilla friends. Well, maybe one, but she was already married before I met her, thank god. The way I see it, it's a great big deal for two people to get married and I'm happy to shell out the dough to be involved. The times when I was invited and couldn't afford to attend, I sent my regrets and my best wishes.

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"If ten million people believe a foolish thing, it is still a foolish thing."

- Anatole France

Apache

I had 6 bridesmaids, 6 groomsman, a flower girl and ring bearer. There was just no way my hubby and I could pay for the girl's dresses plus the tux rental for the men. We paid for the wedding ourselves. (except for my mother and father-in-law paying for our photographer.) It was a decent size wedding, about 100 guests which more was invited but we did get married thanksgiving weekend so that family could be there.

I picked out the dresses that I wanted and let the girl's know how much they were going to be. Only 1 of my 3 sisters didn't have the money, her daughter was my flower girl so with both of them in the wedding we did pay for her dress. She had let me know she didn't have the money and said she just wouldn't be in it, but there was no way I could have 2 of my sisters in the wedding and one setting out.

We did get them all really nice gifts though!

In my sister's wedding she took all of us to a dress shop that rents dresses for weddings and pagents. (she had 6 in her wedding also) We all had identical dresses and only spent $50.00 to rent the dress for the weekend. They were really nice dresses and none of us would have been able to wear them again so it really was better that we only rented them.

Then back in May I was matron of honor in my best friends wedding. We waited until stores like Sears, JC Penney's ect. put all their left over prom dresses on sale. I got a $100. dress for $50.00 Since we had less to choose from, finding identical dresses was more of a problem. So her only other bridesmaid got the same dress as mine, they were just 2 different colors. I had no problem spending the money to be in any of these weddings, and Im sure they had no problems spending it to be in mine.

Manuel Hong

I've been a bridesmaid or best woman at 7 weddings and have performed 2 ceremonies. Being in a wedding party is expensive!! It just goes with the territory and I expect it. Once I really wish I hadn't been asked and another was great, but I was financially in the red for about 3 months afterward.
When I got married, I caught some shit for the price of the dresses (from my sister), but you always piss someone off. As it was my ex and I paid for almost everything ourselves and it was not cheap. As soon as you hire someone and they find out it's for a wedding, the price triples. All you can do is suck it up and enjoy it for what it is.

The wedding I really didn't want to be in was awful! The ugly "sea-foam" dress in cheap polyester with matching shoes ended up in a dumpster on the way home. I had laryngitis and had to speak at the mass...I ended up with Cepacol all down the front of the dress before the ceremony even began! It sort of matched. At the reception, the groom's father grabbed a bridesmaid's ass (my best friend), she told him loudly to fuck himself and we were thrown out of the reception before the cake was cut. What a day...and a great story to tell and retell!

Gotta love weddings!

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Believe nothing, even if I tell it to you, unless it meets with your own good common sense and experience. - Siddhartha Gautama (The Buddha)

shesus

Shani,
I have scanned through the horror stories above. I have been in 3 weddings and my own. Two of them were for my cousin's and both of those had ugly dresses, but you weren't asking about that.

I was responsible to pay for being in the wedding. I bought the dress, hose, and shoes. If I didn't want to I would have said no, but it was my cousin and my best friend so I spent the money because I love them.

For my wedding, I asked that my party (3 bridesmaids and a best man + 2 ushers + flower girl + ring bearer = 8 members), pay for their clothes. I don't count the junior bridesmaid because we paid for her since she is his daughter. I made the huge mistake of putting the dresses on my credit card with good faith that they would pay back. One didn't and I haven't heard from her since the wedding. Friendship is more important than money. Learned that the hard way.

I would say that if they all knew ahead of time of the cost and you did your best to make it as low cost as possible then you have no worries.

Honestly, in the end all that matters is that you are married to the man you love. I don't really remember much about the wedding party. I remember staring into the eyes of the man I love and saying my vows, giving a kiss, and running down the aisle to get to the yummy food. Everything will be fine!

As for gifts, I was probably an awful gift giver. I honestly can't remember what I gave. I think jewlery to wear with the dress, but it was casual enough to wear anytime. The guys, I think we gave them pens or something. Maybe wallets. See it wasn't all that important! Don't stress the small stuff, focus on the fact that you are marrying the man you love!

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Whatever did happen to your soul?
I heard you sold it

Choose Heaven for the weather and Hell for the company

genuinegirly

My sister's wedding is the only one I've been much of a part of. We kept it simple. Their wedding party consisted of:

best man - best friend of both groom and bride
maid of honor - me
"junior bridesmaid" - 7 year old that bride nannied at the time
flower girl - 4 year old that bride nannied at the time

The only people who were invited to the ceremony were those that would have otherwise made up the wedding party. Tiny, intimate service. Reception included everyone we could think to invite from distant relatives to high school friends. It was a blast! No one was offended that they weren't invited to the little ceremony, everyone got to party, and the bride's family was able to cover all of the expenses without flinching (under $1,000).

Come to think of it, my cousin's wedding was similarly simple, except everyone was invited to both the wedding and the reception as it took place in my aunt's backyard and there was room for all. Guess simplicity is a trend in my family.

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"Sometimes I have to remember that things are brought to me for a reason, either for my own lessons or for the benefit of others." Cynthetiq

"violence is no more or less real than non-violence." roachboy

Eowyn_Vala

I'm getting married Oct 1st. We're having a small wedding and we've done the best with the money we have and the money we've saved. Our parents helped a bit, but in the end we asked our wedding party to pay for their clothes. Tux Rentals aren't too bad, and as for the dresses, they do get to keep them. One of my bridesmaids is in a sorority and is really excited about the dress, since she can wear it more than once. My sister who is my maid of honor wanted to keep hers as a memento. So they didn't have a problem paying for the dress themselves.

As long as you were upfront about it and didn't suddenly spring it on them I think it's okay to ask them to pay for things, and to stay close by. It's your day and you're trying to take of a billion things, someone being late would just make you worry more.

Good Luck with your special day!

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Cain: I know what you're doing. I've lead troops into battle before.
DG: And, how am I doing?
Cain: Well, there's less *hugging* when I do it

snowy

So far I've managed to avoid participating in any weddings. Hopefully that will remain the case for some years to come. The only friend of mine who might be getting engaged any time soon is male with a big family so no go there.

A lot of my friends have been in weddings, though, and a lot of them have been done "on the cheap" as many of us are young and certainly in no position to be blowing wads of cash. My good friend's older sister got married three years ago and all the bridesmaids bought their dresses at Ross or some similar closeout store for $10. They deliberately got together and went out looking for matching dresses they could all wear that would be cheap. Another wedding I went to the bridesmaids had to buy their own dresses or supply their own dress that went with the wedding's colors. It was great because all of the bridesmaids were different sizes and so there was no way they were all going to get matching dresses (way too expensive). So that turned out well.

As far as I'm concerned being in a wedding costs money, and if you're upfront and honest about the cost timewise and money-wise, there shouldn't be a problem. If people don't want to pay, they don't have to pay. Hopefully, though, they feel you're worth the cash.

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If I am not better, at least I am different. --Jean-Jacques Rousseau

Demeter

My bridesmaid experience wasn't too bad, compared to some here.
It was for my husband's brother & his woman, who I had only just met when they started dating. 6 months later they wanna get married fast & I'm asked to be a bridesmaid. Fine. I get along okay with her. Well, her Maid of Honor best friend is suddenly "too busy" and I get to go shopping with bride for her dress. And invitaions, and guestbook & flowers, etc, etc. I help do all the planning, including the bachelorette party. I spend all my free time with all the little crafty things (like place markers). Blah!
I end up doing all the work & Maid of Honor shows up at wedding beaming. I could have slapped her.
End result...no gift for any attendants from bride, or groom, no thank yous. Divorced in less than a year.
If asked again I will politely decline.

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I am not bound to please thee with my answers.
William Shakespeare

bad jane

at my wedding, people bought their own clothes. i checked with the bridesmaids who would be buying their gowns on what they could afford and then found gowns in their price range. they weren't ugly, but like all bridesmaids gowns--never gonna wear it again.

they also paid for transportation, but no other expenses for the weekend as they stayed with me and i covered food as well. also paid for their nails, hair and jewelry. i opted out of the wedding shower thing as we didn't need things to set up house. and we decided to have a combine party rather than a bachelor/bachelorette party for each of us--and we paid for all expenses related to that as well.

all told, they spent less than $200 each to be in my wedding (for the entire weekend). the males spent a little less as tux rentals were cheap. no one seemed to mind. had anyone balked at the cost, i wouldn't have minded them saying no or if possible would have covered it for them.

as for gifts...we didn't do gifts for the wedding party (or each other for that matter). i asked them not to get us anything, though two of my bridesmaids who were college friends did buy me some lingerie for the wedding night!

not sure what i'd say if i was asked to be in a wedding. i'm not a big fan of them since my divorce, but depending on who asked i might do it anyway.

ngdawg

Unless you're Tori Spelling and daddy can pay for it all, I have never heard of the bride paying for the bridesmaids' outfits. I declined being one in my youngest sister's wedding because A) I didn't want the expense and B) I wanted to NOT be depended on to do things. She had more attendants that Destiny's Child on tour anyway...
Some of these stories make me cringe! WANTING 3 showers?? Uh, no...you get maybe one....I sure as hell wouldn't attend all three in any case.
Thank heavens I'm old enough to NOT have to worry about any of this stuff anymore!!!

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Don't blame me. I didn't vote for either of'em.