First time sex..I have a question
 

My boyfriend and I have been going together for a while now, and feel we are ready for sex. I am a virgin and Have a very high tolerance for pain however each time we try It seems the pain is unbearable. I know it is supposed to hurt the first time, But I have inserted tampons, and certain objects before without pain, but when I am with my boyfriend, we can't even to get close to getting his penis in.:confused: I end up pulling away and really want to stop this habit. I belive it is more painful for me than many women. Is this beacause I may be too tight, or is it beacause I am nervous? Is there anything at home I can do to prepare for this? I am completley at a loss here and would really appreciate any input as to how I could try and ease the discomfort of the 'first time'.
Thanks so much

Just do it.

It's going to hurt. A lot. There's really no way around it. Yeah, you're going to feel like you're being split in two. Totally normal. Just KEEP doing it. It may take a while for the pain to go away--like up to a month, no kidding.

Some women only suffer mild discomfort but for me losing my virginity was some of the worst pain I've ever experienced, and yeah, I'd used tampons and other things before without pain. You just have to do it--sorry, there's no other way to do it :) Nerves will play a part, so relax. Good foreplay is a start.

However, if after several instances of full intercourse you are STILL suffering from pain, then it's time to talk to your doctor.

theres some name for what happens when your nervous and you tighten up...thats probably whats happening...like just start forplay without the intention of sex..then when you feel that you WANT him inside you let it happen naturally. maybe that would help. it does hurt some..i mean after all a piece of skin breaks...but it shouldnt be that bad....maybe if you tried drinking some wine and having him give you a massage first?

after reading onesnowyowls post...i know it hurts pretty bad..but to not be able to get it in? like i had teh feeling of being split in 2..i think thats for most women...i dunno it just seems more intense then it needs to be.

i seriously reccomend booze.

I can honestly say I dont remember major pain....and my mother never allowed me to use tampons, so the first time I had sex, it was the first time anything had been up there :lol:

Have you tried different positions? I find I have to be EXREMELY and I stress EXTREMELY aroused and wet for it to be comfortable with me on the bottom. Doggie isnt possible at all at any stage, it hurts to damn bad. On top is the best for me, NO pain ever that way.

It shouldn't hurt so much. Make sure you are aroused enough to be wet. If you are really sure you are ready to take that step, get some lubricant (if you are using condoms - be sure the lubricant is okay for use with condoms).

My first time was relatively painful, but not anything at all like what you're talking about. Try lots of 'playing around' first.

Cheyenne, just the fear of physical pain could have you so tensed up that penetration would be difficult. I believe a small procedure can be done by your gynocogist to remove the hyman. It's worth a phone call to find out.

yeah i think what's happening is you're getting really tensed up. also, is your boyfriend an above average size? because that can be part of the issue. i agree with elphaba that your gynecologist could have some good tips for you on how to lessen the pain or maybe a procedure to remove the hymen. or she might have some topical pain reliever you could use.

other than what the other gals here have said, my only advice is to make sure you're comfortable with it, relax, and even if it hurts some, keep going and the pain shouldn't last very long before it starts to feel nice :) good luck!

Since you need to use protection anyway, purchase a spermicidal suppository. It will act as a lubricant. It will hurt the first time and you will bleed, more than likely. I would like to just add that if you are having so many worries, then you are probably not as ready as you think you are. I am assuming also, that you are 18 or over and can discuss these things with a doctor without a parent present.

I only want to add to ngdawg's advice....depending on the spermicide that might cause a problem too...for instance I cant use anything that even has a hint of Nonyxl-9 on it, it will give me a reaction similar to a yeast infection

This is an area that a baby can make it thru, too tight I don't think is your problem, too tense is more than likely what is going on.

I'd also think about what ngdawg said, if it's causing you this much discomfort, are you really sure that you are ready to be having sex?

Are there any concerns you have about sex that might make this experience easier?

A penis in some cases, is a bit bigger than a tampon is, but you've mentioned "certain objects" what else have you used?

What does your boyfriend say when you back off, is he understanding, how's his reaction? what are you doing just before you have to pull away? Maybe start with using some toys wiht him first... and letting nature take it's course.. WHEN you are ready.

Vaginismus - my cousin had this condition. You can read about it at www.vaginismus.com, or just do a Google search on the word.

I'm more than a bit leary of a website that has something to sell, and never addresses the difficulties of a virgin.

Lube makes the world go 'round. Seriously.

Get your hands on some lube (I personally like ID) and don't be shy with it. You can clean up later.

You're right - I should have given the site a more thorough reading before posting the link. My main object was to provide the term 'vaginismus' so she could search for info. My cousin was also a virgin, and just understanding why she was having so much trouble & pain helped her considerably.

I have to agree with all the advice you have received here so far. The most important thing is to relax and take things slowly. Use lube for your first time and tell your bf to go SLOW.

A glass of wine (or whatever) to loosen up a little is good but I would strongly advise you not to drink too much.

I experienced zero pain when I lost my virginity and my doctor directly attributed that with the fact that I had been a horse back rider for ten years at that time. She also mentioned that gymnasts experience very little pain as well.

Maybe you could sign up for some yoga classes? It could be worth a shot.

Best of luck!

Hey maybe thats why I didnt have any either.....I was a horsewoman too!!!

I would have preferred a horse to a boy's bicycle. Ouchies.

long hot bath, lots of foreplay and some lube should get the job done.

my boyfriend's not exceptionally long, but he's got serious girth and it was really painful the first few times. actually, took me forever to find a comfortable position. stretching and yoga do help. and when your feet make it over your shoulders or beside your head, you feel like a bad ass. :)

thanks
 

thank all fo you so much for your advice. It's sites like this that really help people...

Advice...all I have to say is this. It is going to hurt........no doubts about it.
1. Go Slow
2. LUBE LUBE LUBE...Lube works wonders especially when it is your first time. :)

I had a really hard time losing my virginity - it just hurt too much. I had already been living with my boyfriend for about three months, and trying regularly, before we managed it. As it turns out I finally did it when I was drunk in a blackout, and the only way I even know it had happened for sure was when we tried again the next day and the problem was mysteriously gone. Afterwards I did have a bit of vaginismus as well - that may have been a contributor to the problem, although I thought it was a reaction to the stress I went through trying to break my hymen. That problem just kind of faded away after a few months. Years later I learned that "tough hymens" run in my family - my mother also had to get drunk, and my grandmother actually had to have hers removed by a doctor. So rest assurred you are not alone. The hymen is a funny thing. I had a friend who was very sexually active, and had been for years, and she developed vaginal pain and irritation - when she went to the doctor, she was told that there was actually a little piece of her hymen that was still attached and was causing her problems.

Yeah, um, speaking as a girl who seriously REGRETS losing my virginity in the *wrong* way...

A) THINK about what you're doing. Are you doing this because you love this guy, or are you doing it because you feel like he won't stay with you unless you have sex/ you don't want to be a virgin anymore/ you just want to. I'm not making virginity out to be as "special" as some people do, but believe me, you will NEVER EVER forget your first time, so you want to make it worthy of remembering.

B) For the love of god, DON'T get drunk. I say this because there are some things in life you need to expierence, and losing your virginity is one of them. Enjoy the moment, enjoy the feeling of being naked with someone you love, enjoy what's happening. If it hurts a little, fine, but that's normal.

C) Go to the gynecologist first!! Get a pelvic exam, talk about birth control, and tell him/her that you are wondering about having sex for the first time- is your hymen thick? Take responsibility for your body!

D) Go slow! And I don't just mean on the night you're planning on having sex. Be spontanieous about it. Have a week where you and your BF do special things every day, like, go for a picnic on Monday, go hiking on Tuesday, go to a romantic dinner on Wednesday, a movie on Thursday, dancing on Friday... make sure that you feel connected with your BF BEFORE you even think about getting naked- it will make the expierence ten times better!!

E) Again, I highly, highly, HIGHLY recommend the book The Guide to Getting it ON! by Paul Johannes. It's a fabulous human sexuality book with a healthy dose of humor, and it is insanely informative about ALL things sexual. It's got great advice, and I recommend it to ANYONE, sexual dynamos and beginners alike.


This is supposed to be a big deal, don't blow it off by "just getting it over with." Make it something you will remember fondly. I lost my virginity because I didn't want to be a virgin when I went to college, and I'm really really glad I didn't end up with herpes or some other nasty disease... I let my desire to have sex override my good sense. Thinking about the expirence still makes me want to throw up, four years later. *shudder*

Best wishes! :thumbsup:

ps- it didn't hurt that bad when I had sex the first time- a bit like two sudden cramps, and I was a little sore afterwards, but it wasn't anywhere near as bad as it's made out to be! :)

I remember my first time being somewhat painful and had to be taken very slowly. What worked for me was being on top andin control of the pain. We used lubrication and a condom which also helped (except like Shani I had a reaction to that brand and was scared to death when I went in for my first depo shot and was told I had an infection...long story!!).

Everything else here is also very good stuff. Taking your time and really being ready is always helpful. My other thing I was greatful for was 'knowing' my own body and really taking the time to know what I liked.

Hmm, well, maybe since I was already in a relationship and living with a guy, I just saw my virginity as an inconvenience, something to be gotten out of the way. I don't have any regrets about getting drunk and not remembering - I still think it's kind of humorous that I can't remember my "first time." I didn't have all that much sentimentality attached to it in the first place though. I can see how under a lot of different circumstances it might not be such a good thing to get drunk, but it worked great for me.

You're nervous. And if you're a virgin, no matter how small the guy is he's going to be too large to fit painlessly. It helps if you're exceptionally turned on and relaxed. Someplace comfortable and after considerable foreplay.

Agreed. Go slow. Have fun. KEEP AT IT. It will hurt like a BITCH the first few times, but then it gets better.

cheyennedawn,

first of all, thanks for giving us the chance to lend our advice :)

I wanted to note that i think you should see your gyno.
It is common for some women to have very thick hymens (that are not nessasarily broken by tampons) and they are thick enough to require the gyno. to make a incision so that the woman can have sex. Without medical help, for some women, there is no way a penis can penetrate.

I would firmly suugest you see a gyno about this before you attempt again.

at any rate, my first time did hurt . . . but not an extreme amount and i was enjoying it by the next day . . . however, i was very relaxed and we used tons and tons of lube and foreplay before we did penetration.

How is your boyfriend reacting to this? Is he being supportive i hope?

sometimes, it's tough being a girl!

Keep us updated! :icare:

Sweetpea