How to avoid rape - Tilted Forum Project Discussion Community

sexymama · 05-11-2005, 04:18 PM

This may have been posted before; but I think it is a good reminder. I know it is for me!

A group of rapists and date rapists in prison were interviewed on what they look for in a potential victim and here are some interesting facts.

1) The first thing men look for in a potential victim is hairstyle.
They are most likely to go after a woman with a ponytail, bun, braid or other hairstyle that can easily be grabbed. They are also likely to go after a woman with long hair. Women with short hair are not common targets.

2) The second thing men look for is clothing. They will look for women whose clothing is easy to remove quickly. Many of them carry scissors around to cut clothing.

3) They also look for women on their cell phone, searching through their purse or doing other activities while walking because they are off and can be easily overpowered.

4) The time of day men are most likely to attack and rape a woman is in the early morning, between 5 and 8:30 a.m.

5) The number one place women are abducted from/attacked at is grocery store parking lots. Number two is office parking lots/garages. Number three is public restrooms.

6) The thing about these men is that they are looking to grab a woman and quickly move her to a second location where they don't have to worry about getting caught.

7) Only 2% said they carried weapons because rape carries a 3-5 year sentence but rape with a weapon is 15-20 years.

8) If you put up any kind of a fight at all, they get discouraged because it only takes a minute or two for them to realize that going after you isn't worth it because it will be time consuming.

9) These men said they would not pick on women who have umbrellas, or other similar objects that can be used from a distance, in their hands.
Keys are not a deterrent because you have to get really close to the attacker to use them as a weapon. So, the idea is to convince these guys you're not worth it.

10) Several defense mechanisms he taught us are: If someone is following behind you on a street or in a garage or with you in an elevator or stairwell, look them in the face and ask them a question, like what time is it, or make general small talk, I can't believe it is so cold out here or we're in for a bad winter. Now you've seen their face and could identify them in a lineup, you lose appeal as a target.

11) If someone is coming toward you, hold out your hands in front of you and yell Stop or Stay back! Most of the rapists this man talked to said they'd leave a woman alone if she yelled or showed that she would not be afraid to fight back. Again, they are looking for an EASY target.

12) If you carry pepper spray (this instructor was a huge advocate of it and carries it with him wherever he goes), yelling I HAVE PEPPER SPRAY and holding it out will be a deterrent.

13) If someone grabs you, you can't beat them with strength but you can by outsmarting them. If you are grabbed around the waist from behind, pinch the attacker either under the arm between the elbow and armpit or in the upper inner thigh -- HARD. One woman in a class this guy taught told him she used the underarm pinch on a guy who was trying to date rape her and was so upset she broke through the skin and tore out muscle strands the guy needed stitches. Try pinching yourself in those places as hard as you can stand it; it hurts.

14) After the initial hit, always go for the groin. I know from a particularly unfortunate experience that if you slap a guy's parts it is extremely painful. You might think that you'll anger the guy and make him want to hurt you more, but the thing these rapists told our instructor is that they want a woman who will not cause a lot of trouble. Start causing trouble, & he's out of there.

15) When the guy puts his hands up to you, grab his first two fingers and bend them back as far as possible with as much pressure pushing down on them as possible. The instructor did it to me without using much pressure, and I ended up on my knees and both knuckles cracked audibly.

16) Of course the things we always hear still apply. Always be aware of your surroundings, take someone with you if you can and if you see any odd behavior, don't dismiss it, go with your instincts. You may feel a little silly at the time, but you'd feel much worse if the guy really was trouble.

Sweetpea · 05-11-2005, 04:46 PM

Thank you for posting these.

As the friend of two different women who were raped, one who was kidnapped, beaten and cut many times and left to die, i find that i can make a difference in my safety to be comforting.

That and i carry a gun for protection

My campus is the number one campus for Rape in our city.
It's not difficult to get a pistol liscense and many are small enough for a woman to handle and carry in her purse.
While not for everyone, with some training and education some women might want to give this route some thought for their safety.

Sweet Pea

ShaniFaye · 05-11-2005, 04:51 PM

Im a chick with a .38 special and a pony tail!!! Although I probably dont carry myself in a vunerable way, I do try to make sure I stay in well lit places and always have my keys in my hand on the way to my car.

Supple Cow · 05-11-2005, 05:09 PM

Isn't it dangerous to keep a gun in your purse? Seems like a good way to arm an otherwise unarmed purse snatcher. Or just a place where you and your attacker have close to even chances of getting to it in time to use it. The female cop in my family wears it in a holster under her shirt when she's off duty, I think.

Oh yeah, and another tip to avoid rape - if somebody has you in that unfortunate position, soiling yourself is a good deterrent.

ShaniFaye · 05-11-2005, 05:11 PM

huh? I never said I kept it in my purse, I just said I had one.

*edit....nevermind somehow I missed sweetpea's post

Sweetpea · 05-11-2005, 05:15 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Supple Cow

Isn't it dangerous to keep a gun in your purse? Seems like a good way to arm an otherwise unarmed purse snatcher. Or just a place where you and your attacker have close to even chances of getting to it in time to use it. The female cop in my family wears it in a holster under her shirt when she's off duty, I think.

Oh yeah, and another tip to avoid rape - if somebody has you in that unfortunate position, soiling yourself is a good deterrent.

Supple cow. If i Can, i carry it on my person, aka in a holster under a jacket, i have a small gun, so i can hide it easily . . .

but when i have a dress on . . . i carry it in my purse and when walking out to my car, i keep my hand in my purse and on the gun.

I didn't say it was for everyone . . . but once you've seen your friend almost get killed when she was doing everything right to keep herself safe, it makes you think twice

Sweet Pea

maleficent · 05-11-2005, 05:15 PM

If someone grabs you from behind, how is a gun in your purse, or even strapped to your ankle going to help? It seems like a false sense of security to me.

I lived in Upper Manhattan a number of years, my neighborhood itself was safe enough, but it was a 8 block walk from the subway to my apartment, 3 blocks if I cut thru a park to get there, generally pretty late at night, and I was most always by myself. I had pepper spray, in my hand, for the walk home.

The best tip to avoid rape is to not put yourself in that position and always be aware of your surroundings, and walk like you have a purpose, even if you don't have the slightest clue as to where you are. If you think you are being followed, don't go home, always trust your instincts.

Supple Cow · 05-11-2005, 05:18 PM

Sorry Shani, not you. I was referring to this:

Quote:

Originally Posted by sweetpea

It's not difficult to get a pistol liscense and many are small enough for a woman to handle and carry in her purse.

Sweetpea · 05-11-2005, 05:19 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by maleficent

If someone grabs you from behind, how is a gun in your purse, or even strapped to your ankle going to help? It seems like a false sense of security to me.

I lived in Upper Manhattan a number of years, my neighborhood itself was safe enough, but it was a 8 block walk from the subway to my apartment, 3 blocks if I cut thru a park to get there, generally pretty late at night, and I was most always by myself. I had pepper spray, in my hand, for the walk home.

The best tip to avoid rape is to not put yourself in that position and always be aware of your surroundings, and walk like you have a purpose, even if you don't have the slightest clue as to where you are. If you think you are being followed, don't go home, always trust your instincts.

Well, it CAN be a false sense of security, if you think you don't also need to pay just as close attention to yours surroundings and your instincts. But no one who has a gun should just be walking around with their head in the clouds . . . if anything, it makes me pay much closer attention.

I see it as added security, but i am still diligent in keeping safe at all times . . .

Good point about instincts Mal . . . that is the number one thing to keep yourself safe.

Sweet Pea

zombie_sympathi · 05-11-2005, 05:35 PM

Quote:

1) The first thing men look for in a potential victim is hairstyle.
They are most likely to go after a woman with a ponytail, bun, braid or other hairstyle that can easily be grabbed. They are also likely to go after a woman with long hair. Women with short hair are not common targets.

2) The second thing men look for is clothing. They will look for women whose clothing is easy to remove quickly. Many of them carry scissors around to cut clothing.

3) They also look for women on their cell phone, searching through their purse or doing other activities while walking because they are off and can be easily overpowered.

I'm really not trying to be a troll; I think there are many things women can do to protect themselves. However, I have seen things like this posted on the internet before, and I don't feel that they are very effective. For example, the above quote: Apparently women can't do anything now, because rapists look for women who wear their hair up, wear dresses, and talk on cell phones. I really am not certain, but I believe I might have seen a post similar to the OP before (elsewhere online), and it was not to be taken seriously, but as a statement that there's nothing women *can* do to protect themselves from rapists because it's the *rapists themselves* who need to control their actions.

While I have some problems with things like that list of things women can do to protect themselves, I definitely agree that women can make themselves safer by doing things like being aware of their sorroundings and learning how to defend themselves. I meant no offense to the original poster, or to anyone in this thread; rape is possibly the worst, most violent crime I can imagine, and it should not be taken lightly. But advice like that in the OP seems to be shifting the responsibility to women rather than rapists.

Sweetpea · 05-11-2005, 06:30 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by zombie_sympathi

But advice like that in the OP seems to be shifting the responsibility to women rather than rapists.

Of course i think rapists should control themselves.

But . . . There will always be that small percentage of people who are not healthy in the mind and take pleasure in the suffering of their victims.

What am i supposed to tell someone who is about to rape me:
"wait, stop, you're Supposed to be controlling yourself and not hurt me" ??

We have to protect oursevelves, even though it is sad that we even have to worry about it i agree with you on that zombie_sympathi.

But lists on how to protect ourselves promotes awareness and are therefore important for merely that reason and also carry good advice.

Sweet Pea

Seeker · 05-11-2005, 06:41 PM

I had to walk from the train station home after work every evening. In the winter months it was dark. I remember every night on my way home I had my route sussed out with different options if ever I was followed. I remember the night my forward planning worked.

I was aware that there was a guy following me. When I was out of the crowd and on a quieter street, he was still there, about half the length of the street behind me and he had picked up his pace. I didn't once look behind me, I knew if I kept my pace steady and turned the corner past some bushes I could sprint to a particular house and hide in an alcove. I did this.. my heart was beating and I thought to myself that it might be really silly if I was only imagining it, and what if the house owners saw me? All doubt was removed when I took a peek and this guy was running, moving from one side of the street to the other.. he was looking for me. I thanked my stars I had this worked out... I wouldn't have been able to do anything if he had caught me, I was a mess!

I appreciate the tips! I will remember them.. especially if someone is following me more closely than the situation above.

Sweetpea · 05-11-2005, 08:19 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Seeker

I had to walk from the train station home after work every evening. In the winter months it was dark. I remember every night on my way home I had my route sussed out with different options if ever I was followed. I remember the night my forward planning worked.

I was aware that there was a guy following me. When I was out of the crowd and on a quieter street, he was still there, about half the length of the street behind me and he had picked up his pace. I didn't once look behind me, I knew if I kept my pace steady and turned the corner past some bushes I could sprint to a particular house and hide in an alcove. I did this.. my heart was beating and I thought to myself that it might be really silly if I was only imagining it, and what if the house owners saw me? All doubt was removed when I took a peek and this guy was running, moving from one side of the street to the other.. he was looking for me. I thanked my stars I had this worked out... I wouldn't have been able to do anything if he had caught me, I was a mess!

I appreciate the tips! I will remember them.. especially if someone is following me more closely than the situation above.

Excellent advice seeker!! Thank you for sharing!

Sweet Pea

Gilda · 05-11-2005, 11:19 PM

Carrying a gun would be a bad idea for me. I've had my purse snatched before, and if I'd had a gun, it would have done me no good and would have provided the snatcher with a gun.

The list misses some important things. It assumes the woman is by herself, and that the confrontation is already in progress.

Better than anything on that list is to not be alone in an isolated place in the dark. Travel with a partner, and it doesn't really matter who. Rapists don't like dealing with more than one person. If I stop at 24 Hour fitness and it's dark when I'm going out to my car, you can be damn sure I'm stopping at the front desk and asking for an escort to my car. If it's 8:30 at night, I'm driving to 7-11 rather than walk there. My car is always, without exception, parked in the garage when I'm at home.

Also, it assumes the primary danger is stranger rape. It isn't, aquaintance rape is more common.

If he hits you, even once, leave. He's the kind of man who believes using force on a woman is acceptable.

Don't travel in the same car on your first few dates; drive yourself and meet in a public place, and leave in separate cars.

Make sure someone knows where you're going and who with.

Better yet, on a first date, make it a group date. Whenever my sister goes on a first date with a new guy, it's always a double date with me and Grace.

Don't put yourself in high risk situations, such as getting drunk at a frat party.

Most of all, if a situation makes you feel uncomfortable, get out quickly.

Nancy · 05-12-2005, 02:50 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by sexymama

13) If someone grabs you, you can't beat them with strength but you can by outsmarting them. If you are grabbed around the waist from behind, pinch the attacker either under the arm between the elbow and armpit or in the upper inner thigh -- HARD. One woman in a class this guy taught told him she used the underarm pinch on a guy who was trying to date rape her and was so upset she broke through the skin and tore out muscle strands the guy needed stitches. Try pinching yourself in those places as hard as you can stand it; it hurts.

Loverboy and I discussed this a week ago and we couldn't figure out how men succed in raping women unless he immediately knocks them out. I mean Loverboy and I have tried fighting one another once to see if he could hold me down. Despite his strength (he works out regularly and is extremely strong) he couldn't hold me down. My wrists are very small so I always find a way to slip out of his grip and if I get just one hand off the grip it's free to either punch him in the groin or scratch his eyes out.

All in all both his arms and legs are too busy to try and hold me down so I don't get how a rapist can hold a woman down AND get his dick out and stick it in.

Does anyone have some sort of interview with women who've been raped? Because I'd like to hear what they have to say about how the guy succeded in raping them. Where they too afraid to fight back? Did they faint? what?

maleficent · 05-12-2005, 03:25 AM

Fighting with your boyfriend is quite different than a surprise attack by a stranger. You know that your boyfriend isn't going to hurt you. With a rapist, he's got the element of surprise on his side, plus fear can paralyze a person, you also might just think, that if I just cooperate he 1. won't hurt me, 2. wont kill me.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Gilda

Also, it assumes the primary danger is stranger rape. It isn't, aquaintance rape is more common.

and also the least reported because it's not always easy to prove. People expect a rapist to be a stranger... Oh you knew his name? You couldn't have been raped, you must have been sending signals to him that you wanted it... That you said no, but you really didn't mean it...

Seeker · 05-12-2005, 03:29 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Nancy

Does anyone have some sort of interview with women who've been raped? Because I'd like to hear what they have to say about how the guy succeded in raping them. Where they too afraid to fight back? Did they faint? what?

Nancy, my knees were jelly. The fear struck when I knew he was after me. I playfight too, and I win.. but I think it's different because when I fight my friends I know in the back of my mind I am ultimately safe. With my case above, I knew nothing... so my brain turned my knees to jelly...

KinkyKiwi · 05-12-2005, 05:26 AM

sweetpea, do you know what the gun laws in NY are? i was actually thinking about it because i have many friends who live in not so good areas and i never feel safe when i go to visit them. for a while i was carrying a hunting knife and the few times i felt that a man was threating my safety just pulling the handle and part of the blade out so he could see seemed to be a good deterent. maybe the gun kinda works the same way..if a possible attacker seems someone armed and calm how likely are they going to be to still attack? one of my male friend taught me how if i needed to i could aim for the groin with the knife. even if i was being restrained.

teh list made me even more nervous because i have really long hair, i jog every morning around 6 am, i always have music in earphones, where i jog theres wooded areas on everyside..ahh...lovely paranoia

anyway thank you for posting teh list sexymama

maleficent · 05-12-2005, 05:34 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by KinkyKiwi

i jog every morning around 6 am, i always have music in earphones, where i jog theres wooded areas on everyside..ahh...lovely paranoia

music in your ears, makes you a better targer, because it's breaking the first commandment, you aren't being aware of your surroundings. If someone were to come up on your, you might not hear them, jog with the earphones in one ear only... so that you can at least hear what is going on.

Squishor · 05-12-2005, 06:22 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Nancy

Loverboy and I discussed this a week ago and we couldn't figure out how men succed in raping women unless he immediately knocks them out. I mean Loverboy and I have tried fighting one another once to see if he could hold me down. Despite his strength (he works out regularly and is extremely strong) he couldn't hold me down. My wrists are very small so I always find a way to slip out of his grip and if I get just one hand off the grip it's free to either punch him in the groin or scratch his eyes out.

All in all both his arms and legs are too busy to try and hold me down so I don't get how a rapist can hold a woman down AND get his dick out and stick it in.

Does anyone have some sort of interview with women who've been raped? Because I'd like to hear what they have to say about how the guy succeded in raping them. Where they too afraid to fight back? Did they faint? what?

Nancy, I think part of what happens might be that the potential rapist has adrenaline going just as much as the woman does.

I playfight with my boyfriend(s) a lot, or have in the past anyway. As a rule they haven't been able to hold onto me for more than a few seconds and complain that I fight back too hard and hurt them. These men would be unlikely rapists.

However, I once had my auto shop teacher try to rape me and I found that it wasn't quite the same. We had made friends and he was helping me rewire the front end of my car, which took a lot more time than the routine maintenance the class was designed to teach. We were alone in his office after hours, and out of the blue he grabbed me and forced me down on the floor in the classic position of being on my back with my wrists restrained by his hands. When I tried to resist or wriggle out, I found that he had me in a grip of steel and I could see this look in his eyes like he wasn't "himself." He started undoing my pants and that's when I realized he was serious. As many times as I had successfully trounced my boyfriends, I was unable to fight back, not by the usual methods anyway. Here's how I avoided being raped:

When I realized I would have an extremely hard time getting my wrists out of his grasp or resisting in the usual way, I stopped moving and started planning. First of all, I had learned in a self-defense class that if you stop resisting for a bit, it may cause them to relax their grip enough for you to get loose, because they think you've given up. But he didn't. I felt this unbelievable surge of adrenaline rising up within me, and I determined that I would go to any lengths I had to before I was going to let this asshole rape me. I thought fast and decided that I would bite his nose off if I had to, or any other body part that presented itself. But first, I tried psychology. With the rage of a beast rising up inside me, I looked him square in the eyes and said, "I thought we were friends." It worked! His whole look changed, and he embarassedly let go and tried to laugh it off as a joke. I got the fuck out of there, to say the least.

Another time when I successfully used psychology to defend myself is remiscent of Seeker's story. It was late at night and I was walking alone to meet this guy I was seeing at a motel in the bad part of town. The streets were empty. I became aware of three guys walking behind me, and they picked up the pace until they were gaining on me. Then they started making comments, I forget what they said but they were distinctly threatening, I'm sure you can imagine.

They had been following me for a good two blocks and I was almost at the street I was looking for, we'll call it "Seaside." So what I did was, when they were about 5 feet behind me I unexpectedly turned to face them, and asked, "Excuse me, do you know where Seaside street is?" They immediately dropped their threatening attitude and responded by going, "Oh, um, er, yeah, I think it's that next one coming up right there." I thanked them and strode off purposefully while they were thrown off guard. It instantly normalized the situation when I asked for directions, and they didn't know how to handle it. I turned the corner, and as soon as I was behind a building, I ran for my life!

I hope these stories help illustrate that a woman can stop a potential rape by using her head, even when she is overpowered. I'm sure it doesn't work in every situation, but it's important to not give up and decide you're done for. It's also important to not present the appearance of an easy victim - if there's someone walking behind me on the street, the first thing I do is turn and look straight at him so he knows I realize he's there and am paying attention. So far I haven't ever been raped.

Lead543 · 05-12-2005, 07:26 AM

That's excellent advice Squishor, you covered both aquaintence and stranger rape which is something every woman should know.

I know the second I found out I had night classes at school next year I said; "I need the number for safewalk." Though the campus is busy at night, the residency is usually quite quiet. Screams for help would probably be heard, but every female from a college I've talked to says it's better to be on the safe side.

And sweetpea, I can't imagine you carrying a gun...you're such a sweet...pea!! As with pepper spray if you know how to use it, all the more power.

Biscuit Buns · 05-12-2005, 09:45 AM

Good thoughts to keep in mind and I appreciate those who told stories. Terrifying stuff - I can only hope that if I'm ever faced with the situation, I'll be able to keep my head on my shoulders. It really is so much more different when you're playing than when threatened with the true thing. Also, I've often wondered about the long hair aspect since I, too, have long hair. It's almost always up in a french twist, but the thought is still makes me a bit wary.

Lead, good for you for taking charge of your own well-being! A lot of the women I knew when I was at university scoffed at safety measures like that because they didn't want to be seen with a lowly idiot security man (who was actually really smart and took his job very seriously). I wonder if this is just small town mentality or if attitudes like this run rampant.

As far as the gun issue, if you are capable of carrying a gun properly and keeping your head firmly out of the clouds, rock on! I've shot plent of the big boys, but never a hand gun and would require myself to take a good safety class prior. I think it's important, though, not to rush into carrying a gun so that you're not a trembling mess if you find yourself in a rough situation.

Good thread. Thank you.

maleficent · 05-12-2005, 09:53 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Lead543

Screams for help would probably be heard,

Back when I was in college (early 80s), I had taken a self defense class, and we were told, that if you get into trouble, do not scream help... Yell FIRE or something out of the ordinary. Just yelling help, doesn't seem to do it.

It's a sad world we live in that a woman yelling help would get ignored, but it's true. (I can't recall her name, but there was a much publicized murder in NYC years ago about a woman who was murdered on a street corner and people heard her cries for help and didn't want to get invovled) Think of how many times car alarms have gone off, and people just ignore them.

Biscuit Buns · 05-12-2005, 10:14 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by maleficent

It's a sad world we live in that a woman yelling help would get ignored, but it's true. (I can't recall her name, but there was a much publicized murder in NYC years ago about a woman who was murdered on a street corner and people heard her cries for help and didn't want to get invovled) Think of how many times car alarms have gone off, and people just ignore them.

That makes me ill.

I've heard the "Fire" thing, too, and have always thought it incredibly unfortunate. Personally, I'd be less likely to run towards a fire call than a call for help. I'd help in either situation (and have - gee, it was real fun when the Safeway propane tanks were spouting fire), but the difference between handling the two situations is so vast.

abaya · 05-12-2005, 11:11 AM

Does anyone have tips for people commuting in the dark on bicycles? I am moving to an apartment that's further from campus next year, down a not-so-well-lit road. I tend to be very aware; I never walk with earphones on, and I constantly keep my eyes moving around me, looking behind and to the sides every 10-20 steps. However, a 25-minute walk down a tree-lined street with no streetlights still intimidates me, and I'm considering getting a bike to make it more efficient and safe.

Demeter · 05-12-2005, 12:32 PM

It was early morning & I headed for work. I knew I shouldn't be walking through town at that hour, but I didn't think I had much choice.
My BF refused to get up at that early hour to drive me (I had no license), buses weren't yet running yet, and I was flat broke & couldn't phone a cab.
The coworker I ususally rode with was on vacation.

I was about halfway to work when something made me look down an alleyway I was passing. It was by a club that had long earlier closed for the night. I saw a young man with a hoodie by a garbage bin. He had the hodie pulled over his head & not much of his face showed. My guts lurched & I knew he was trouble.

I kept marching, I walk very purposefully. Back then I did a lot of walking & I had legs like iron. I had a heavy parka on (it was December) and a backpack on. I was getting overheated, but I kept on.
I glanced back & saw that he had started to follow me. He was three blocks back so I wasn't that concerned. Until I glanced back & saw he was only a block away.
I decided to cross the street. (Its a main thoroughfare, busy in the day but very quiet that time of day.) I thought if he's not up to anything, he'll go straight.
I started to cross thes street and he hollered at me. I turned and told him to F--- off.
He started chasing me.
I reached the other side of the street & he was right beside me. I turned to him. He stopped, and pulled out a huge wad of money. He said "I got money." I don't know if he assumed I was a prostitute, or what.
I still don't know where I got the guts to do this, but I put my hands on my hips, leaned towards hm and said something to the effects of...'hey you f----in bastard, watch what the f--- you are doing and leave me the hell alone. F-- off already!'
His jaw dropped and I turned away,leaving him standing there. I walked into the middle of the street, thinking any car going either way I would stop & get help from. I saw headlights coming, and walked right for them. I could see the guy following slowly out of the corner of my eye.
It was a cab, and I hopped in, explained the situation to him & he drove me the last three blocks to where I work. I got out, shaking & scared, and went in to phone the police. I knew by the time they came, the man would be gone (he was), but I was hoping that maybe if my description matched anyone who someone else may have been suspiscious of, I might luck out & he'd get apprehended.
No luck. The cop joked I should have kneed the guy in the groin & grabbed his cash.
I assume he was stoned & bored & looking for trouble. (The strange man, not the cop.) I told the cop I had the adreneline, most definately, but I was scared he may have had a weapon.
I quit walking after that & put on a few pounds becasue of it. I know I have to get back to what I used to love doing, and get hiking the streets again, but in daylight. I've been saving for a treadmill.
This was probably the most frightening thing that has ever happened to me. I thought I was tough, but this incident has forever changed me, & I didn't even get hurt. I can't imagine what a rape victim goes through the rest of her life.

ShaniFaye · 05-12-2005, 12:44 PM

Aquaintance rape story:

I lost my virginity to rape, when I was 16, by someone I knew. Big vasity football player type, in his own home in the same neighborhood I lived in. After it was over, he kept telling me he knew I liked it. I played along....even made him drive me to the house and invited him in. Then I told my mother ahahahah that little 5'4 woman went to town on a man a full foot taller than her. Then she called his mother.

I know I laugh about it, a lot of women dont. I chose back then not to be his "victim" the rest of my life and I knew if I let it affect me I was letting him win. He died several years later and I when I found out I felt a relief I didnt know it was possible for me to feel.

I did get one thing out of it....during the rape he forced me to give him a bj (of course I'd never done it before) and he told me that was the worst fucking one he'd ever had. I made it a point then to learn how.....I've never heard anything but the opposite since

I have great sympathy for any woman raped, and my words of advice are.....if you possible, do what I did, dont let the rapist win by making you scared or by having problems with your sex life....you're only damaging yourself in the end. Rape is NOT about sex, its about control.

Gilda · 05-12-2005, 01:06 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by maleficent

(I can't recall her name, but there was a much publicized murder in NYC years ago about a woman who was murdered on a street corner and people heard her cries for help and didn't want to get invovled)

I suspect you're thinking of Kitty Genovese.

She was attacked and stabbed while walking the 20 feet from her car to her apartment building. The attacker left, and came back five minutes later, and stabbed her a few more times. He left again, and came back some 5 to 10 minutes later, methodically tracked her down as she was trying to get into her own apartment building, raped her, and finished the murder. 38 people saw or heard the assault, but did nothing for 35 minutes. Once the police were called they were there in 3 minutes, but Genovese was already dead.

Gilda · 05-12-2005, 01:42 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Nancy

Loverboy and I discussed this a week ago and we couldn't figure out how men succed in raping women unless he immediately knocks them out. I mean Loverboy and I have tried fighting one another once to see if he could hold me down. Despite his strength (he works out regularly and is extremely strong) he couldn't hold me down. My wrists are very small so I always find a way to slip out of his grip and if I get just one hand off the grip it's free to either punch him in the groin or scratch his eyes out.

All in all both his arms and legs are too busy to try and hold me down so I don't get how a rapist can hold a woman down AND get his dick out and stick it in.

Is he going all out 100%, not caring whether he hurts you? A rapist doesn't hold back, and doesn't care whether he dislocates your shoulder, cracks some ribs, or leaves bruises all over your face, torso, and thighs.

I'll play fight with Grace sometimes. She is considerably stronger than I am, but she's considerably weaker than the muscular linebacker type.

She has little trouble restraining me, and she's holding back, trying to restrain me without hurting me in any way.

Quote:

Does anyone have some sort of interview with women who've been raped? Because I'd like to hear what they have to say about how the guy succeded in raping them. Where they too afraid to fight back? Did they faint? what?

In many cases, yes, the victim is too afraid to fight back.

Sometimes, the attacker subdues his victim by beating her into submission before he gets his dick out.

Sometimes, and I speak from personal experience here, it isn't a matter of fighting back or getting raped, it's a matter of getting raped or fighting back, taking a beating, and then getting raped anyway. Given those two choices, the first is preferable.

Elphaba · 05-12-2005, 01:47 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Nancy

Does anyone have some sort of interview with women who've been raped? Because I'd like to hear what they have to say about how the guy succeded in raping them. Where they too afraid to fight back? Did they faint? what?

Back when the earth was still cooling, we were taught *not* to fight back. I suppose if the rapist had a weapon this would be good advice. If not, this old gal will make as big a ruckus as she can.

KinkyKiwi · 05-12-2005, 08:52 PM

way to go shani and squisher!

mal thats a good idea ..the head phone thing..i'll have to try that

thanks

abaya · 05-13-2005, 08:23 AM

Wow, thank you Mal.

I couldn't believe what the police did (or didn't do). I'd have punched them, not that it would have made the situation any better! God. I am sorry.

Your story reminds me of my incident in New Orleans in spring break 2004. I mentioned it in the "Stupidest things you've ever done" thread... and I still don't think it was a rape, even though a stranger picked me up on Bourbon Street when I was shitfaced/blacked-out drunk and we ended up having sex at his hostel (and losing my virginity, which I never, never, NEVER would have done if I was sober)... because when I sobered up, I had vague recollections of really getting into the sex with this person, and for all he knew (he was also drunk), enjoying it thoroughly. There was no evidence to prove that it wasn't consensual, for all this guy knew, and my own brief memory serves that correctly. We e-mailed back and forth after this event and established the facts, and he ended up being a fairly decent person despite the circumstances... he had no idea that I was a virgin (since I gave no indication at the time), and apologized profusely. Lord knows ANYthing could have happened to me when I was blacked out on Bourbon Street, so I took this event as providence.

All I can say is, do not drink (or overdrink) in situations where you don't trust the people you are with (I was with a couple of idiot frat/sorority people I'd met the day before, who needed a ride South from our university), and where you doubt your ability to keep your head about you. I've never been a huge drinker except for a few months during that year, but I will never drink much again, certainly not to the point of blacking out.

KinkyKiwi · 05-13-2005, 02:24 PM

oh mal...*hugs*

Grasshopper Green · 05-13-2005, 03:57 PM

Thank you for sharing that with us mal. The treatment you received was appalling and disgusting and makes my heart hurt. I agree with kiwi...hugs for you. And Shani. And any other woman here who has gone through this.

astrahl · 05-13-2005, 04:26 PM

If somebody grabs you from behind and starts dragging you-do not fight forward, that makes the pulling easier... either go limp like a tantruming two year old or jump backward (in the direction of the pulling). It knocks them off balance and may give you the chance to run.

Elphaba · 05-13-2005, 05:14 PM

I lived in Texass for six years and I knew then that they were a couple three decades behind the times. Mal, let's go pick up that Loosiana girl and go kick some Texan butt.

Elphaba · 05-13-2005, 05:17 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by astrahl

If somebody grabs you from behind and starts dragging you-do not fight forward, that makes the pulling easier... either go limp like a tantruming two year old or jump backward (in the direction of the pulling). It knocks them off balance and may give you the chance to run.

Excellent advice, Astrah. Dead weight (limp) is nearly impossible to move. Jumping backward is the last thing a rapist would expect.

Ralli · 05-13-2005, 05:54 PM

ahh thanks for the advice. I have never been in that situation and I hope that I never will be to be honest. I dont know anyone that has either, but i have read stories and stuff and i do feel for those who have. It is terrible and these men should be locked up for good. It is sickening and disgusting that they can do this and treat a woman in this way.

It is good to always have advise on the subject and a forum where girls can discuss it.

sexymama · 05-13-2005, 06:02 PM

Wow ladies -- I'm honored and sickened by what you all dared to share! I am fortunate in that I have not been raped even though I've put myself in some very risky situations. The fact is, more than one aquaintance could have done it to me if I hadn't used psychology as well. However, I'd rather have not been in those situations at all.

The saddest story I have is of an uncle who tried to molest/rape me after babysitting his son, on the drive home. I told my mother, who told her mother. Grandma talked to her son-in-law who promised it would never happen again. He proceeded to ruin several cousins lives by raping them. (One from age six on -- horrible.) The fact is, we must be mostly aware of those we know and we need to protect our daughters at all costs! If I had to do back then over again, I would have insisted we call the police. But I was too young. And, although I know they'd do differently now, to give my mom and grandma credit, they truly believed they did the right thing at the time.

Hugs and kisses to all the victims who dared to share -- you are very brave woman!

Gilda · 05-13-2005, 06:16 PM

Thank you for that story maleficent. Nearly as important as how to prevent yourself from being raped is how to protect others afterwards, and that's by going to the police. Even though you were mistreated, you don't have to live with the guilt of having done nothing. I never reported the men who raped me, in fact, I defended them on more than one occasion, and since I've gotten out of that situation, I've regretted not having the strength of character to do what you did.

05-11-2005, 04:18 PM	#1 (permalink)
sexymama My own person -- his by choice Location: Lebell's arms	How to avoid rape This may have been posted before; but I think it is a good reminder. I know it is for me! A group of rapists and date rapists in prison were interviewed on what they look for in a potential victim and here are some interesting facts. 1) The first thing men look for in a potential victim is hairstyle. They are most likely to go after a woman with a ponytail, bun, braid or other hairstyle that can easily be grabbed. They are also likely to go after a woman with long hair. Women with short hair are not common targets. 2) The second thing men look for is clothing. They will look for women whose clothing is easy to remove quickly. Many of them carry scissors around to cut clothing. 3) They also look for women on their cell phone, searching through their purse or doing other activities while walking because they are off and can be easily overpowered. 4) The time of day men are most likely to attack and rape a woman is in the early morning, between 5 and 8:30 a.m. 5) The number one place women are abducted from/attacked at is grocery store parking lots. Number two is office parking lots/garages. Number three is public restrooms. 6) The thing about these men is that they are looking to grab a woman and quickly move her to a second location where they don't have to worry about getting caught. 7) Only 2% said they carried weapons because rape carries a 3-5 year sentence but rape with a weapon is 15-20 years. 8) If you put up any kind of a fight at all, they get discouraged because it only takes a minute or two for them to realize that going after you isn't worth it because it will be time consuming. 9) These men said they would not pick on women who have umbrellas, or other similar objects that can be used from a distance, in their hands. Keys are not a deterrent because you have to get really close to the attacker to use them as a weapon. So, the idea is to convince these guys you're not worth it. 10) Several defense mechanisms he taught us are: If someone is following behind you on a street or in a garage or with you in an elevator or stairwell, look them in the face and ask them a question, like what time is it, or make general small talk, I can't believe it is so cold out here or we're in for a bad winter. Now you've seen their face and could identify them in a lineup, you lose appeal as a target. 11) If someone is coming toward you, hold out your hands in front of you and yell Stop or Stay back! Most of the rapists this man talked to said they'd leave a woman alone if she yelled or showed that she would not be afraid to fight back. Again, they are looking for an EASY target. 12) If you carry pepper spray (this instructor was a huge advocate of it and carries it with him wherever he goes), yelling I HAVE PEPPER SPRAY and holding it out will be a deterrent. 13) If someone grabs you, you can't beat them with strength but you can by outsmarting them. If you are grabbed around the waist from behind, pinch the attacker either under the arm between the elbow and armpit or in the upper inner thigh -- HARD. One woman in a class this guy taught told him she used the underarm pinch on a guy who was trying to date rape her and was so upset she broke through the skin and tore out muscle strands the guy needed stitches. Try pinching yourself in those places as hard as you can stand it; it hurts. 14) After the initial hit, always go for the groin. I know from a particularly unfortunate experience that if you slap a guy's parts it is extremely painful. You might think that you'll anger the guy and make him want to hurt you more, but the thing these rapists told our instructor is that they want a woman who will not cause a lot of trouble. Start causing trouble, & he's out of there. 15) When the guy puts his hands up to you, grab his first two fingers and bend them back as far as possible with as much pressure pushing down on them as possible. The instructor did it to me without using much pressure, and I ended up on my knees and both knuckles cracked audibly. 16) Of course the things we always hear still apply. Always be aware of your surroundings, take someone with you if you can and if you see any odd behavior, don't dismiss it, go with your instincts. You may feel a little silly at the time, but you'd feel much worse if the guy really was trouble. __________________ If you can go deeply into lovemaking, the ego disappears. That is the beauty of lovemaking, that it is another source of a glimpse of god It's not about being perfect; it's about developing some skill at managing imperfection.

05-11-2005, 04:46 PM	#2 (permalink)
Sweetpea Fade out Location: in love	Thank you for posting these. As the friend of two different women who were raped, one who was kidnapped, beaten and cut many times and left to die, i find that i can make a difference in my safety to be comforting. That and i carry a gun for protection My campus is the number one campus for Rape in our city. It's not difficult to get a pistol liscense and many are small enough for a woman to handle and carry in her purse. While not for everyone, with some training and education some women might want to give this route some thought for their safety. Sweet Pea __________________ Having a Pet Will Change Your Life! Looking for a great pet?! Click Here! "I am the Type of Person Who Can Get Away With A lot, Simply Because I Don't Ask Permission for the Privilege of Being Myself"

05-11-2005, 04:51 PM	#3 (permalink)
ShaniFaye Submit to me, you know you want to Location: Lilburn, Ga	Im a chick with a .38 special and a pony tail!!! Although I probably dont carry myself in a vunerable way, I do try to make sure I stay in well lit places and always have my keys in my hand on the way to my car. __________________ *I want the diabetic plan that comes with rollover carbs. I dont like the unused one expiring at midnite!!*

05-11-2005, 05:09 PM	#4 (permalink)
Supple Cow Americow, the Beautiful Location: Washington, D.C.	Isn't it dangerous to keep a gun in your purse? Seems like a good way to arm an otherwise unarmed purse snatcher. Or just a place where you and your attacker have close to even chances of getting to it in time to use it. The female cop in my family wears it in a holster under her shirt when she's off duty, I think. Oh yeah, and another tip to avoid rape - if somebody has you in that unfortunate position, soiling yourself is a good deterrent. __________________ "I've missed more than 9000 shots in my career. I've lost almost 300 games. Twenty-six times I've been trusted to take the game winning shot and missed. I've failed over and over and over again in my life. And that is why I succeed." (Michael Jordan)

05-11-2005, 05:11 PM	#5 (permalink)
ShaniFaye Submit to me, you know you want to Location: Lilburn, Ga	huh? I never said I kept it in my purse, I just said I had one. edit....nevermind somehow I missed sweetpea's post __________________ I want the diabetic plan that comes with rollover carbs. I dont like the unused one expiring at midnite!!* Last edited by ShaniFaye; 05-11-2005 at 05:17 PM..

05-11-2005, 05:15 PM	#7 (permalink)
maleficent Junkie Moderator Emeritus Location: Chicago	If someone grabs you from behind, how is a gun in your purse, or even strapped to your ankle going to help? It seems like a false sense of security to me. I lived in Upper Manhattan a number of years, my neighborhood itself was safe enough, but it was a 8 block walk from the subway to my apartment, 3 blocks if I cut thru a park to get there, generally pretty late at night, and I was most always by myself. I had pepper spray, in my hand, for the walk home. The best tip to avoid rape is to not put yourself in that position and always be aware of your surroundings, and walk like you have a purpose, even if you don't have the slightest clue as to where you are. If you think you are being followed, don't go home, always trust your instincts. __________________ Free your heart from hatred. Free your mind from worries. Live simply. Give more. Expect less.

05-11-2005, 06:41 PM	#12 (permalink)
Seeker Getting Clearer Location: with spirit	I had to walk from the train station home after work every evening. In the winter months it was dark. I remember every night on my way home I had my route sussed out with different options if ever I was followed. I remember the night my forward planning worked. I was aware that there was a guy following me. When I was out of the crowd and on a quieter street, he was still there, about half the length of the street behind me and he had picked up his pace. I didn't once look behind me, I knew if I kept my pace steady and turned the corner past some bushes I could sprint to a particular house and hide in an alcove. I did this.. my heart was beating and I thought to myself that it might be really silly if I was only imagining it, and what if the house owners saw me? All doubt was removed when I took a peek and this guy was running, moving from one side of the street to the other.. he was looking for me. I thanked my stars I had this worked out... I wouldn't have been able to do anything if he had caught me, I was a mess! I appreciate the tips! I will remember them.. especially if someone is following me more closely than the situation above. __________________ *To those who wander but who are not lost...* ~ Knowledge is not something you acquire, it is something you open yourself to.

05-11-2005, 11:19 PM	#14 (permalink)
Gilda 32 flavors and then some Location: Out on a wire.	Carrying a gun would be a bad idea for me. I've had my purse snatched before, and if I'd had a gun, it would have done me no good and would have provided the snatcher with a gun. The list misses some important things. It assumes the woman is by herself, and that the confrontation is already in progress. Better than anything on that list is to not be alone in an isolated place in the dark. Travel with a partner, and it doesn't really matter who. Rapists don't like dealing with more than one person. If I stop at 24 Hour fitness and it's dark when I'm going out to my car, you can be damn sure I'm stopping at the front desk and asking for an escort to my car. If it's 8:30 at night, I'm driving to 7-11 rather than walk there. My car is always, without exception, parked in the garage when I'm at home. Also, it assumes the primary danger is stranger rape. It isn't, aquaintance rape is more common. If he hits you, even once, leave. He's the kind of man who believes using force on a woman is acceptable. Don't travel in the same car on your first few dates; drive yourself and meet in a public place, and leave in separate cars. Make sure someone knows where you're going and who with. Better yet, on a first date, make it a group date. Whenever my sister goes on a first date with a new guy, it's always a double date with me and Grace. Don't put yourself in high risk situations, such as getting drunk at a frat party. Most of all, if a situation makes you feel uncomfortable, get out quickly.

05-12-2005, 05:26 AM	#18 (permalink)
KinkyKiwi "Without the fuzz" Location: ..too close for comfort..	sweetpea, do you know what the gun laws in NY are? i was actually thinking about it because i have many friends who live in not so good areas and i never feel safe when i go to visit them. for a while i was carrying a hunting knife and the few times i felt that a man was threating my safety just pulling the handle and part of the blade out so he could see seemed to be a good deterent. maybe the gun kinda works the same way..if a possible attacker seems someone armed and calm how likely are they going to be to still attack? one of my male friend taught me how if i needed to i could aim for the groin with the knife. even if i was being restrained. teh list made me even more nervous because i have really long hair, i jog every morning around 6 am, i always have music in earphones, where i jog theres wooded areas on everyside..ahh...lovely paranoia anyway thank you for posting teh list sexymama __________________ Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps. Play with each other. Play with yourselves. Just don't play with the squirrels, they bite.

05-12-2005, 07:26 AM	#21 (permalink)
Lead543 Registered User Location: Calgary	That's excellent advice Squishor, you covered both aquaintence and stranger rape which is something every woman should know. I know the second I found out I had night classes at school next year I said; "I need the number for safewalk." Though the campus is busy at night, the residency is usually quite quiet. Screams for help would probably be heard, but every female from a college I've talked to says it's better to be on the safe side. And sweetpea, I can't imagine you carrying a gun...you're such a sweet...pea!! As with pepper spray if you know how to use it, all the more power.

05-12-2005, 09:45 AM	#22 (permalink)
Biscuit Buns Four of Wands Location: Somewhere entirely too hot.	Good thoughts to keep in mind and I appreciate those who told stories. Terrifying stuff - I can only hope that if I'm ever faced with the situation, I'll be able to keep my head on my shoulders. It really is so much more different when you're playing than when threatened with the true thing. Also, I've often wondered about the long hair aspect since I, too, have long hair. It's almost always up in a french twist, but the thought is still makes me a bit wary. Lead, good for you for taking charge of your own well-being! A lot of the women I knew when I was at university scoffed at safety measures like that because they didn't want to be seen with a lowly idiot security man (who was actually really smart and took his job very seriously). I wonder if this is just small town mentality or if attitudes like this run rampant. As far as the gun issue, if you are capable of carrying a gun properly and keeping your head firmly out of the clouds, rock on! I've shot plent of the big boys, but never a hand gun and would require myself to take a good safety class prior. I think it's important, though, not to rush into carrying a gun so that you're not a trembling mess if you find yourself in a rough situation. Good thread. Thank you. __________________ A hard man is good to find. ~Mae West

05-12-2005, 11:11 AM	#25 (permalink)
abaya Location: Iceland	Does anyone have tips for people commuting in the dark on bicycles? I am moving to an apartment that's further from campus next year, down a not-so-well-lit road. I tend to be very aware; I never walk with earphones on, and I constantly keep my eyes moving around me, looking behind and to the sides every 10-20 steps. However, a 25-minute walk down a tree-lined street with no streetlights still intimidates me, and I'm considering getting a bike to make it more efficient and safe. __________________ And think not you can direct the course of Love; for Love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course. --Khalil Gibran

05-12-2005, 12:32 PM	#26 (permalink)
Demeter Psycho	It was early morning & I headed for work. I knew I shouldn't be walking through town at that hour, but I didn't think I had much choice. My BF refused to get up at that early hour to drive me (I had no license), buses weren't yet running yet, and I was flat broke & couldn't phone a cab. The coworker I ususally rode with was on vacation. I was about halfway to work when something made me look down an alleyway I was passing. It was by a club that had long earlier closed for the night. I saw a young man with a hoodie by a garbage bin. He had the hodie pulled over his head & not much of his face showed. My guts lurched & I knew he was trouble. I kept marching, I walk very purposefully. Back then I did a lot of walking & I had legs like iron. I had a heavy parka on (it was December) and a backpack on. I was getting overheated, but I kept on. I glanced back & saw that he had started to follow me. He was three blocks back so I wasn't that concerned. Until I glanced back & saw he was only a block away. I decided to cross the street. (Its a main thoroughfare, busy in the day but very quiet that time of day.) I thought if he's not up to anything, he'll go straight. I started to cross thes street and he hollered at me. I turned and told him to F--- off. He started chasing me. I reached the other side of the street & he was right beside me. I turned to him. He stopped, and pulled out a huge wad of money. He said "I got money." I don't know if he assumed I was a prostitute, or what. I still don't know where I got the guts to do this, but I put my hands on my hips, leaned towards hm and said something to the effects of...'hey you f----in bastard, watch what the f--- you are doing and leave me the hell alone. F-- off already!' His jaw dropped and I turned away,leaving him standing there. I walked into the middle of the street, thinking any car going either way I would stop & get help from. I saw headlights coming, and walked right for them. I could see the guy following slowly out of the corner of my eye. It was a cab, and I hopped in, explained the situation to him & he drove me the last three blocks to where I work. I got out, shaking & scared, and went in to phone the police. I knew by the time they came, the man would be gone (he was), but I was hoping that maybe if my description matched anyone who someone else may have been suspiscious of, I might luck out & he'd get apprehended. No luck. The cop joked I should have kneed the guy in the groin & grabbed his cash. I assume he was stoned & bored & looking for trouble. (The strange man, not the cop.) I told the cop I had the adreneline, most definately, but I was scared he may have had a weapon. I quit walking after that & put on a few pounds becasue of it. I know I have to get back to what I used to love doing, and get hiking the streets again, but in daylight. I've been saving for a treadmill. This was probably the most frightening thing that has ever happened to me. I thought I was tough, but this incident has forever changed me, & I didn't even get hurt. I can't imagine what a rape victim goes through the rest of her life. __________________ I am not bound to please thee with my answers. William Shakespeare

05-12-2005, 12:44 PM	#27 (permalink)
ShaniFaye Submit to me, you know you want to Location: Lilburn, Ga	Aquaintance rape story: I lost my virginity to rape, when I was 16, by someone I knew. Big vasity football player type, in his own home in the same neighborhood I lived in. After it was over, he kept telling me he knew I liked it. I played along....even made him drive me to the house and invited him in. Then I told my mother ahahahah that little 5'4 woman went to town on a man a full foot taller than her. Then she called his mother. I know I laugh about it, a lot of women dont. I chose back then not to be his "victim" the rest of my life and I knew if I let it affect me I was letting him win. He died several years later and I when I found out I felt a relief I didnt know it was possible for me to feel. I did get one thing out of it....during the rape he forced me to give him a bj (of course I'd never done it before) and he told me that was the worst fucking one he'd ever had. I made it a point then to learn how.....I've never heard anything but the opposite since I have great sympathy for any woman raped, and my words of advice are.....if you possible, do what I did, dont let the rapist win by making you scared or by having problems with your sex life....you're only damaging yourself in the end. Rape is NOT about sex, its about control. __________________ *I want the diabetic plan that comes with rollover carbs. I dont like the unused one expiring at midnite!!*

05-12-2005, 08:52 PM	#31 (permalink)
KinkyKiwi "Without the fuzz" Location: ..too close for comfort..	way to go shani and squisher! mal thats a good idea ..the head phone thing..i'll have to try that thanks __________________ Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps. Play with each other. Play with yourselves. Just don't play with the squirrels, they bite.

05-13-2005, 08:23 AM	#32 (permalink)
abaya Location: Iceland	Wow, thank you Mal. I couldn't believe what the police did (or didn't do). I'd have punched them, not that it would have made the situation any better! God. I am sorry. Your story reminds me of my incident in New Orleans in spring break 2004. I mentioned it in the "Stupidest things you've ever done" thread... and I still don't think it was a rape, even though a stranger picked me up on Bourbon Street when I was shitfaced/blacked-out drunk and we ended up having sex at his hostel (and losing my virginity, which I never, never, NEVER would have done if I was sober)... because when I sobered up, I had vague recollections of really getting into the sex with this person, and for all he knew (he was also drunk), enjoying it thoroughly. There was no evidence to prove that it wasn't consensual, for all this guy knew, and my own brief memory serves that correctly. We e-mailed back and forth after this event and established the facts, and he ended up being a fairly decent person despite the circumstances... he had no idea that I was a virgin (since I gave no indication at the time), and apologized profusely. Lord knows ANYthing could have happened to me when I was blacked out on Bourbon Street, so I took this event as providence. All I can say is, do not drink (or overdrink) in situations where you don't trust the people you are with (I was with a couple of idiot frat/sorority people I'd met the day before, who needed a ride South from our university), and where you doubt your ability to keep your head about you. I've never been a huge drinker except for a few months during that year, but I will never drink much again, certainly not to the point of blacking out. __________________ And think not you can direct the course of Love; for Love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course. --Khalil Gibran

05-13-2005, 02:24 PM	#33 (permalink)
KinkyKiwi "Without the fuzz" Location: ..too close for comfort..	oh mal...hugs __________________ Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps. Play with each other. Play with yourselves. Just don't play with the squirrels, they bite.

05-13-2005, 03:57 PM	#34 (permalink)
Grasshopper Green ...is a comical chap Location: Where morons reign supreme	Thank you for sharing that with us mal. The treatment you received was appalling and disgusting and makes my heart hurt. I agree with kiwi...hugs for you. And Shani. And any other woman here who has gone through this. __________________ "They say that patriotism is the last refuge to which a scoundrel clings; steal a little and they throw you in jail, steal a lot and they make you king" Formerly Medusa

05-13-2005, 04:26 PM	#35 (permalink)
astrahl Insane Location: You don't want to live here	If somebody grabs you from behind and starts dragging you-do not fight forward, that makes the pulling easier... either go limp like a tantruming two year old or jump backward (in the direction of the pulling). It knocks them off balance and may give you the chance to run. __________________ Maybe it was over when she chucked me out the Rover at full speed. Maybe Maybe... ~a-Ha

05-13-2005, 05:14 PM	#36 (permalink)
Elphaba Deja Moo Location: Olympic Peninsula, WA	I lived in Texass for six years and I knew then that they were a couple three decades behind the times. Mal, let's go pick up that Loosiana girl and go kick some Texan butt.

05-13-2005, 05:54 PM	#38 (permalink)
Ralli Tilted Location: Brisbane, Australia	ahh thanks for the advice. I have never been in that situation and I hope that I never will be to be honest. I dont know anyone that has either, but i have read stories and stuff and i do feel for those who have. It is terrible and these men should be locked up for good. It is sickening and disgusting that they can do this and treat a woman in this way. It is good to always have advise on the subject and a forum where girls can discuss it. __________________ ~RALLI~

05-13-2005, 06:02 PM	#39 (permalink)
sexymama My own person -- his by choice Location: Lebell's arms	Wow ladies -- I'm honored and sickened by what you all dared to share! I am fortunate in that I have not been raped even though I've put myself in some very risky situations. The fact is, more than one aquaintance could have done it to me if I hadn't used psychology as well. However, I'd rather have not been in those situations at all. The saddest story I have is of an uncle who tried to molest/rape me after babysitting his son, on the drive home. I told my mother, who told her mother. Grandma talked to her son-in-law who promised it would never happen again. He proceeded to ruin several cousins lives by raping them. (One from age six on -- horrible.) The fact is, we must be mostly aware of those we know and we need to protect our daughters at all costs! If I had to do back then over again, I would have insisted we call the police. But I was too young. And, although I know they'd do differently now, to give my mom and grandma credit, they truly believed they did the right thing at the time. Hugs and kisses to all the victims who dared to share -- you are very brave woman! __________________ If you can go deeply into lovemaking, the ego disappears. That is the beauty of lovemaking, that it is another source of a glimpse of god It's not about being perfect; it's about developing some skill at managing imperfection.

05-13-2005, 06:16 PM	#40 (permalink)
Gilda 32 flavors and then some Location: Out on a wire.	Thank you for that story maleficent. Nearly as important as how to prevent yourself from being raped is how to protect others afterwards, and that's by going to the police. Even though you were mistreated, you don't have to live with the guilt of having done nothing. I never reported the men who raped me, in fact, I defended them on more than one occasion, and since I've gotten out of that situation, I've regretted not having the strength of character to do what you did.