Living together before marriage - Tilted Forum Project Discussion Community

SparklingDot · 01-07-2005, 11:38 PM

My SO of 4 years and I are planning on moving in together this summer. No, we aren't getting married yet, we're waiting on that. Most of our friends are very supportive of our decision, and so is my mother. I am not asking for criticism (as if you ladies would do that!) but I am asking for you to share your stories for encouragement, tricks and tips on moving and the essentials that no one thinks to buy.

I am so excited! We sat down one night and made a list of the things we'll need, and it was really long, but we have 6 months to gather it all. We already have dishes, cups, livingroom furniture, and a TV.

We realize that this is a big step, but so far all of the signs have been positive. Our storage unit number, randomly selected, is our anniversary. So far, the most expensive purchases have been donated.

I just wanted to share my happiness and excitement with you all!

Sweetpea · 01-08-2005, 01:03 AM

congrats! that is a very exciting step!!

i am happy for you!

Grasshopper Green · 01-08-2005, 06:44 AM

First of all, congrats! I lived with hubby for several years before marrying him, and I'm glad I did. It lets you in on little quirks that you may not know he had, and you may not know YOU had, too.

Secondly, make sure you have a vacuum cleaner!!! Assuming you have carpet, that is. Blech, nothing worse than living in a carpeted area with no vacuum. It's an essential.

Thirdly, and not to put a damper on things, make sure you maintain separate bank accounts (even if you decide to have one together, STILL maintain your own account) and consider very carefully large purchases made together. Be very open in communications involving money. That can definitely be a major stress point when moving in together; who pays the bills, how is your money shared, are you going to get upset if he makes a major purchase without your knowledge (and vice versa)? Just protect yourself and be knowledgable in this area.

Good luck and congrats again!!

maleficent · 01-08-2005, 06:53 AM

Not a criticism, but just some unromantic details to work out before moving in

Decide how you will handle household expenses (ie electric bill, phone bill, cable) Grocery shopping - etc -- Money is the root of a lot of arguments

Cleaning and household chores, it's not romantic, but decide ahead of time how those chores are going to be split up, once the initial thrill of moving in together wears off, one person could end up being pretty annoyed if they are doing all the cleaning.

Alone time -- find a place big enough that you can each find your corner to retreat to so that when his breathing just bugs you you can go somewhere and not be near him, and both sides should respect that alone time (ie a studio apartment is a really bad idea)

Otherwise have fun... Is this the first time you've lived on your own? Very exciting for you....

Jonsgirl · 01-08-2005, 11:44 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by maleficent

*snip*
Alone time -- find a place big enough that you can each find your corner to retreat to so that when his breathing just bugs you you can go somewhere and not be near him, and both sides should respect that alone time

Oh god yes. I remember when I was living with my SO, before we were married, and I so didn't understand the whole alone time thing. So, he'd wake up in the morning and spend an hour in the bathroom with door locked just so he could breathe.
1)Respect the alone time

2)If you can't cook, don't. If you don't cook, do the dishes.

3)Don't fight about money, sex, or when your feeling are hurt.
Mistakes will be made with money, your libidos won't always match perfectly, and both of you will lash out at one another without really meaning it.
Ok, so you'll fight, you can't help it, but you shouldn't. Take steps to pervent those things before they get bad enough to fight about. COMMUNICATION!!

Ralli · 01-08-2005, 05:35 PM

Congrats is in order. I have lived with my boyfriend for four years now and are not married. YET. we are engaged but have been for 3 years now. No wedding yet. We have a 3 year old together as well I guess that it what made it easier to live together.

It was a big step for us, as we didnt know each other that long when we first moved in, and I will admit that it has been a rollercoaster. But we have survived it.
I always say. If you do have a disagreement, dont go to bed angry.
The make up sex is soo good anyways.

ling ling · 01-08-2005, 06:54 PM

When you're living with someone, it's more important than ever to keep lines of communication open to avoid big arguments. Definitely talk about stuff that bugs you! And I completely agree, alone-time is crucial. Congrats and good luck!

lazygirl · 01-08-2005, 07:22 PM

The money thing is hard.....i moved in with my now husband and wanted to spilt expenses 50/50 but he made lots more money than I and the list of what I owed him got bigger and bigger, i felt guilty even getting a take out coffee.......

sillygirl · 01-08-2005, 07:53 PM

Remember the little things like dish soap, toilet paper, etc.

That stuff all added up when my hunny and I moved in together at first. We didn't think of the small stuff, but remembered the big stuff.

Also, if he's bugging you, let him know. But if he tells you that you're bugging him, just remember that he's doing the same thing you do... communicating.

SparklingDot · 01-09-2005, 12:54 AM

Thank you ladies so much for being so sweet! We've got the large and small things on our list, including vacuum and toilet paper. We've been discussing money, and are working on how we will split costs and such. Housework division is on the to do list once we learn the things we like and dislike doing. Alone time / space is a big thing that we hadn't really thought about, but makes perfect sense. Cooking should be interesting, especiallly learning what does and doesn't belong on the grocery list.

I'm sure we'll discover a lot about ourselves and each other, but its good to learn these things.

Yes Mal, this is the first time for both of us to live anywhere but with our parents. It makes it that much more excitring, and that much more scary. But really, if we all waited until we were comfortable with a big change, nothing would ever happen, right?

Lucky Girl · 01-10-2005, 09:50 AM

I have to agree with the other Ladies...COMMUNICATION!! My ex and I lived together, our biggest problem was money and about cleaning. I was a clean freak and he was a messy person. Living with someone is a Give and Take.

icksters · 01-10-2005, 11:32 PM

As with what the other ladies have said and what ^^Lucky Girl said, communication is a major part, my SO and I do not currently live together, but plan to before we get married. I think I have a little bit of an insight on what living with him will be like, because I have gone on vacation with him many times, although his family was there. As far as the cleaning and cooking go, why not do it together, it can be fun!

Congrats and Good Luck!!

maleficent · 01-11-2005, 04:17 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by icksters

AI think I have a little bit of an insight on what living with him will be like, because I have gone on vacation with him many times, although his family was there.

Not even close-- vacation isn't real world... Vacation isn't oh she left dirty dishes in the sink.... again.... Vacation isn't he finished the last of the milk and didn't tell me... again... Living with someone on a day to day basis (wheither it's with a best friend or a SO) you really get to see what that person is like in real life, and vacation mode is not real life. Vacation mode there's an end in site, and those annoying quirks don't seem so annoying... but when that person is there every single day... those quirks can get really really annoying if communication isn't there.

icksters · 01-11-2005, 03:11 PM

^^ Oh, I totally understand we communicate very well, and we know what we do that annoys eachother. I'm not saying that when we do move in it is going to be exactly how I think it will because we have not been in alone together for more than 3 days. We get annoyed at eachother and we both know that we need time to ourselves...I was just giving my 2 cents

zippy258 · 01-11-2005, 04:08 PM

My husband and I had been dating for eight long years before we got married and we never lived together ... (mainly because I was in high school then went to college

) I sometimes wish that we had because it was like getting used to each other all over again when you've been accustomed to doing things your own way. After three years I think we're finally starting to get the hang of it!

My advice would be to make sure you have a plunger in every bathroom.

01-07-2005, 11:38 PM	#1 (permalink)
SparklingDot Insane	Living together before marriage My SO of 4 years and I are planning on moving in together this summer. No, we aren't getting married yet, we're waiting on that. Most of our friends are very supportive of our decision, and so is my mother. I am not asking for criticism (as if you ladies would do that!) but I am asking for you to share your stories for encouragement, tricks and tips on moving and the essentials that no one thinks to buy. I am so excited! We sat down one night and made a list of the things we'll need, and it was really long, but we have 6 months to gather it all. We already have dishes, cups, livingroom furniture, and a TV. We realize that this is a big step, but so far all of the signs have been positive. Our storage unit number, randomly selected, is our anniversary. So far, the most expensive purchases have been donated. I just wanted to share my happiness and excitement with you all! __________________ 17 seconds is all you really need - Smashing Pumpkins

01-08-2005, 01:03 AM	#2 (permalink)
Sweetpea Fade out Location: in love	congrats! that is a very exciting step!! i am happy for you! __________________ Having a Pet Will Change Your Life! Looking for a great pet?! Click Here! "I am the Type of Person Who Can Get Away With A lot, Simply Because I Don't Ask Permission for the Privilege of Being Myself"

01-08-2005, 06:53 AM	#4 (permalink)
maleficent Junkie Moderator Emeritus Location: Chicago	Not a criticism, but just some unromantic details to work out before moving in Decide how you will handle household expenses (ie electric bill, phone bill, cable) Grocery shopping - etc -- Money is the root of a lot of arguments Cleaning and household chores, it's not romantic, but decide ahead of time how those chores are going to be split up, once the initial thrill of moving in together wears off, one person could end up being pretty annoyed if they are doing all the cleaning. Alone time -- find a place big enough that you can each find your corner to retreat to so that when his breathing just bugs you you can go somewhere and not be near him, and both sides should respect that alone time (ie a studio apartment is a really bad idea) Otherwise have fun... Is this the first time you've lived on your own? Very exciting for you.... __________________ Free your heart from hatred. Free your mind from worries. Live simply. Give more. Expect less.

01-08-2005, 05:35 PM	#6 (permalink)
Ralli Tilted Location: Brisbane, Australia	Congrats is in order. I have lived with my boyfriend for four years now and are not married. YET. we are engaged but have been for 3 years now. No wedding yet. We have a 3 year old together as well I guess that it what made it easier to live together. It was a big step for us, as we didnt know each other that long when we first moved in, and I will admit that it has been a rollercoaster. But we have survived it. I always say. If you do have a disagreement, dont go to bed angry. The make up sex is soo good anyways. __________________ ~RALLI~

01-08-2005, 06:54 PM	#7 (permalink)
ling ling Upright	When you're living with someone, it's more important than ever to keep lines of communication open to avoid big arguments. Definitely talk about stuff that bugs you! And I completely agree, alone-time is crucial. Congrats and good luck! __________________ For your sake I hope heaven and hell are really there but I wouldn't hold my breath Modest Mouse

01-08-2005, 06:44 AM	#3 (permalink)
Grasshopper Green ...is a comical chap Location: Where morons reign supreme	First of all, congrats! I lived with hubby for several years before marrying him, and I'm glad I did. It lets you in on little quirks that you may not know he had, and you may not know YOU had, too. Secondly, make sure you have a vacuum cleaner!!! Assuming you have carpet, that is. Blech, nothing worse than living in a carpeted area with no vacuum. It's an essential. Thirdly, and not to put a damper on things, make sure you maintain separate bank accounts (even if you decide to have one together, STILL maintain your own account) and consider very carefully large purchases made together. Be very open in communications involving money. That can definitely be a major stress point when moving in together; who pays the bills, how is your money shared, are you going to get upset if he makes a major purchase without your knowledge (and vice versa)? Just protect yourself and be knowledgable in this area. Good luck and congrats again!!

01-08-2005, 07:22 PM	#8 (permalink)
lazygirl Upright Location: northern cal	The money thing is hard.....i moved in with my now husband and wanted to spilt expenses 50/50 but he made lots more money than I and the list of what I owed him got bigger and bigger, i felt guilty even getting a take out coffee.......

01-08-2005, 07:53 PM	#9 (permalink)
sillygirl Newlywed Location: at home	Remember the little things like dish soap, toilet paper, etc. That stuff all added up when my hunny and I moved in together at first. We didn't think of the small stuff, but remembered the big stuff. Also, if he's bugging you, let him know. But if he tells you that you're bugging him, just remember that he's doing the same thing you do... communicating. __________________ Anyone can be passionate, but it takes real lovers to be silly-Rose Franken ....absence makes me miss him more...

01-09-2005, 12:54 AM	#10 (permalink)
SparklingDot Insane	Thank you ladies so much for being so sweet! We've got the large and small things on our list, including vacuum and toilet paper. We've been discussing money, and are working on how we will split costs and such. Housework division is on the to do list once we learn the things we like and dislike doing. Alone time / space is a big thing that we hadn't really thought about, but makes perfect sense. Cooking should be interesting, especiallly learning what does and doesn't belong on the grocery list. I'm sure we'll discover a lot about ourselves and each other, but its good to learn these things. Yes Mal, this is the first time for both of us to live anywhere but with our parents. It makes it that much more excitring, and that much more scary. But really, if we all waited until we were comfortable with a big change, nothing would ever happen, right? __________________ 17 seconds is all you really need - Smashing Pumpkins

01-10-2005, 09:50 AM	#11 (permalink)
Lucky Girl Upright	I have to agree with the other Ladies...COMMUNICATION!! My ex and I lived together, our biggest problem was money and about cleaning. I was a clean freak and he was a messy person. Living with someone is a Give and Take. __________________ Lucky Girl

01-10-2005, 11:32 PM	#12 (permalink)
icksters Tilted Location: New York	As with what the other ladies have said and what ^^Lucky Girl said, communication is a major part, my SO and I do not currently live together, but plan to before we get married. I think I have a little bit of an insight on what living with him will be like, because I have gone on vacation with him many times, although his family was there. As far as the cleaning and cooking go, why not do it together, it can be fun! Congrats and Good Luck!!

01-11-2005, 03:11 PM	#14 (permalink)
icksters Tilted Location: New York	^^ Oh, I totally understand we communicate very well, and we know what we do that annoys eachother. I'm not saying that when we do move in it is going to be exactly how I think it will because we have not been in alone together for more than 3 days. We get annoyed at eachother and we both know that we need time to ourselves...I was just giving my 2 cents

01-11-2005, 04:08 PM	#15 (permalink)
zippy258 Upright Location: drowning in a sea of unstable emotions	My husband and I had been dating for eight long years before we got married and we never lived together ... (mainly because I was in high school then went to college ) I sometimes wish that we had because it was like getting used to each other all over again when you've been accustomed to doing things your own way. After three years I think we're finally starting to get the hang of it! My advice would be to make sure you have a plunger in every bathroom.