he lied - Tilted Forum Project Discussion Community

annie1 · 05-13-2003, 05:46 PM

ok im with this guy... and i kinda really like him a lot. weve been dating off and on (almost always on) due to long distance issues for like 2 years... well he dated this one girl while we were on a break, which is fine, and i asked him a few times if he slept with her (the only reason i even asked is just you gotta be careful these days) and he said that he didnt... well i come to find out (from a very very reliable source) that he did sleep with her, a whole whole bunch of times... how upset should i be... should i blow it off since i think hes just trying to protect my feelings or what? thanks for the advice.

SexyCat · 05-13-2003, 06:14 PM

I think you should confront him for sure. I am not saying you HAVE to break up, but it is definitely something you should discuss.

annie1 · 05-13-2003, 06:32 PM

he just says he didnt sleep with anyone... ive given him numerous chances to come out with it where i wouldnt be at all upset... but he just wont fess up to anything... the reason i know for sure is b/c he was talking about it with a friend online, and i came accross it one day when he sent me a link to something else... so i just followed my nose and found it all... so i cant really confront him about it b/c i shouldnt even know about it anyway, i guess i was KINDA snooping, but he gave me the access. make sense? (not condoning my activities here by any means)

cheerios · 05-13-2003, 06:54 PM

*sigh* So, he lied to you about something that is significantly relevant to your health, and you've given him chances to confess. I'd confront him. don't get angry, explain WHY this matters to you. make it clear it's not the end of the world, but you need to know. That's what I'd do, anyway, I think. good luck!!

Plummie · 05-13-2003, 08:45 PM

Tell him the truth. Tell him what you just told us and explain to him that you are laying everything on the table. Tell him you expect complete honesty; if this is a loving relationship he should respect your wishes.

Be completely forthright with each other. If he does come clean and admits to cheating, then you will have to do some soul searching because your "trust" level will have to slowly develop again with him and vice versa. In my opinion, this way is better than not knowing and being suspicious and dealing with all the mental conflict and ramifications of being silent.

Best of luck to you girl.

*hugs*

teriaki · 05-14-2003, 12:45 AM

Oh boy.
Ok, so he lied to protect your feelings, or hide his infedelity. Can you ever really forgive it? Regardless of what his explanation, he didn't trust you enough to tell you the truth when confronted- which would have been the time to do it and beg forgiveness. Instead, you now know, and are stuck dealing with it- is that really what you want from a long-term relationship (regardless of how much you "like" him...)?

annie1 · 05-14-2003, 06:24 AM

well he wasent cheating, hes been faithful to me all the time while weve been together, he was completely allowed to see this girl, we were broken up at the time. so im in no way mad that he slept with her at all, just mad that he cant admit it to me...
Im kinda followin what cheerios has said but I have no idea how to confront him, but then im torn b/c i think hes just trying to protect my feelings b/c he did nothing wrong except not tell me about it. Any other opinions from the crowd are GREATLY appreciated.

Xapphire · 05-14-2003, 06:29 AM

I was the one who cheated... so here's my take.

It's easier to keep lying, especially if you give them wiggle room. Don't say Is there anything you want to tell me? or anything I should know?

Jaid did this, and my mind had just blanked it out, I wasn't ever going to tell him, I felt awful about it, but I'd already lied, it was easier to keep it a secret.

He knows now, and over a year later, we're just now getting to the point that he's fond of me again, so I'm hoping the love will return someday, and I'm willing to stick it out til it does, even if that's never, because I love him and am truly sorry for the pain I caused him.

If you know that he slept with this girl, no doubts whatsoever, say so. Tell him how you know, because while you may have been snooping, it wasn't malicious, at least not from what you've said. Tell him you are okay with him sleeping with her (if you are of course), but that you need to know who you're sleeping with, because you're now sleeping with every partner she's ever had too, but you're not okay with being lied to.

My 2 cents.

Minx · 05-14-2003, 07:18 AM

In my opinion it all boils down to this, even though you two were on a "break" when he did this he still lied repeatedly to you about it. He not only broke the trust you have in your significant other he also put your own health at risk. Confront him, be honest with him and tell him exactly how you found out. Then ditch him - if he already has shown his lack of respect for you by his actions then I think it will continue. I think the big thing here is to think if you two got together, would you trust him completely? If not then there isn't a foundation for a true relationship. Sorry to be so blunt! I hope it all works out for the best.

annie1 · 05-19-2003, 12:48 PM

thanks for all your opinions on this topic... i appreciate it

BlueBongo · 05-20-2003, 07:57 PM

Ya know.... being an ex-pathological liar myself... I can say that I have hurt a lot of people through lies. I myself will not put up with lies... so if I were in those shoes I'd move on.

Lying hurts too many people... even small lies come back to bite you in the ass. It's just not worth it.

Years of self-reflection and lotsa cash on therapy put me where I am today... and having been through shitty relationships where I've been lied to myself... it sucks and isn't worth the stress or worry. So again, I wouldn't put up with it. But for those that will, more power to be able to forgive.

I don't freely give out my trust... and if someone lies to me, I don't feel I can trust them.

Might be harsh.. but it's where I stand.

Janie · 05-21-2003, 03:53 PM

I think you should talk to him, explain the situation, that you were worried about your sexual health and that is why you asked if he'd slept with the girl. Tell him you found out, and how. If he has to be honest to you, you have to reciprocate. Also explain to him that you want to have a foundation of trust in your relationship, and it would mean a lot if he didn't lie about this. Make it perfectly clear that you're not mad about the sex itself, but that he lied to you. I do believe honesty is the best policy in this case, and if he's not willing to tell you the truth then you should perhaps reconsider.

galaxygirl · 05-21-2003, 07:15 PM

The basis of any relationship are trust and honesty. If you don't have those you may as well let him go.

05-13-2003, 05:46 PM	#1 (permalink)
annie1 Insane	he lied ok im with this guy... and i kinda really like him a lot. weve been dating off and on (almost always on) due to long distance issues for like 2 years... well he dated this one girl while we were on a break, which is fine, and i asked him a few times if he slept with her (the only reason i even asked is just you gotta be careful these days) and he said that he didnt... well i come to find out (from a very very reliable source) that he did sleep with her, a whole whole bunch of times... how upset should i be... should i blow it off since i think hes just trying to protect my feelings or what? thanks for the advice.

05-13-2003, 08:45 PM	#5 (permalink)
Plummie Liquid Diamonds Location: Lexington, KY	Tell him the truth. Tell him what you just told us and explain to him that you are laying everything on the table. Tell him you expect complete honesty; if this is a loving relationship he should respect your wishes. Be completely forthright with each other. If he does come clean and admits to cheating, then you will have to do some soul searching because your "trust" level will have to slowly develop again with him and vice versa. In my opinion, this way is better than not knowing and being suspicious and dealing with all the mental conflict and ramifications of being silent. Best of luck to you girl. hugs __________________ Kim Last edited by Plummie; 05-13-2003 at 08:48 PM..

05-14-2003, 12:45 AM	#6 (permalink)
teriaki Tilted Location: San Francisco	Oh boy. Ok, so he lied to protect your feelings, or hide his infedelity. Can you ever really forgive it? Regardless of what his explanation, he didn't trust you enough to tell you the truth when confronted- which would have been the time to do it and beg forgiveness. Instead, you now know, and are stuck dealing with it- is that really what you want from a long-term relationship (regardless of how much you "like" him...)? __________________ Cute, but useless.

05-14-2003, 07:18 AM	#9 (permalink)
Minx Junkie Location: Up yonder	In my opinion it all boils down to this, even though you two were on a "break" when he did this he still lied repeatedly to you about it. He not only broke the trust you have in your significant other he also put your own health at risk. Confront him, be honest with him and tell him exactly how you found out. Then ditch him - if he already has shown his lack of respect for you by his actions then I think it will continue. I think the big thing here is to think if you two got together, would you trust him completely? If not then there isn't a foundation for a true relationship. Sorry to be so blunt! I hope it all works out for the best. __________________ You've been a naughty boy....go to my room!

05-21-2003, 03:53 PM	#12 (permalink)
Janie Insane Location: Greater Vancouver	I think you should talk to him, explain the situation, that you were worried about your sexual health and that is why you asked if he'd slept with the girl. Tell him you found out, and how. If he has to be honest to you, you have to reciprocate. Also explain to him that you want to have a foundation of trust in your relationship, and it would mean a lot if he didn't lie about this. Make it perfectly clear that you're not mad about the sex itself, but that he lied to you. I do believe honesty is the best policy in this case, and if he's not willing to tell you the truth then you should perhaps reconsider. __________________ cheers to the motherland

05-13-2003, 06:14 PM	#2 (permalink)
SexyCat Meow Location: Michigan	I think you should confront him for sure. I am not saying you HAVE to break up, but it is definitely something you should discuss.

05-13-2003, 06:32 PM	#3 (permalink)
annie1 Insane	he just says he didnt sleep with anyone... ive given him numerous chances to come out with it where i wouldnt be at all upset... but he just wont fess up to anything... the reason i know for sure is b/c he was talking about it with a friend online, and i came accross it one day when he sent me a link to something else... so i just followed my nose and found it all... so i cant really confront him about it b/c i shouldnt even know about it anyway, i guess i was KINDA snooping, but he gave me the access. make sense? (not condoning my activities here by any means)

05-13-2003, 06:54 PM	#4 (permalink)
cheerios Banned Location: 'bout 2 feet from my iMac	sigh So, he lied to you about something that is significantly relevant to your health, and you've given him chances to confess. I'd confront him. don't get angry, explain WHY this matters to you. make it clear it's not the end of the world, but you need to know. That's what I'd do, anyway, I think. good luck!!

05-14-2003, 06:24 AM	#7 (permalink)
annie1 Insane	well he wasent cheating, hes been faithful to me all the time while weve been together, he was completely allowed to see this girl, we were broken up at the time. so im in no way mad that he slept with her at all, just mad that he cant admit it to me... Im kinda followin what cheerios has said but I have no idea how to confront him, but then im torn b/c i think hes just trying to protect my feelings b/c he did nothing wrong except not tell me about it. Any other opinions from the crowd are GREATLY appreciated.

05-14-2003, 06:29 AM	#8 (permalink)
Xapphire Crazy Location: Dallas TX (close enough)	I was the one who cheated... so here's my take. It's easier to keep lying, especially if you give them wiggle room. Don't say Is there anything you want to tell me? or anything I should know? Jaid did this, and my mind had just blanked it out, I wasn't ever going to tell him, I felt awful about it, but I'd already lied, it was easier to keep it a secret. He knows now, and over a year later, we're just now getting to the point that he's fond of me again, so I'm hoping the love will return someday, and I'm willing to stick it out til it does, even if that's never, because I love him and am truly sorry for the pain I caused him. If you know that he slept with this girl, no doubts whatsoever, say so. Tell him how you know, because while you may have been snooping, it wasn't malicious, at least not from what you've said. Tell him you are okay with him sleeping with her (if you are of course), but that you need to know who you're sleeping with, because you're now sleeping with every partner she's ever had too, but you're not okay with being lied to. My 2 cents.

05-19-2003, 12:48 PM	#10 (permalink)
annie1 Insane	thanks for all your opinions on this topic... i appreciate it

05-21-2003, 07:15 PM	#13 (permalink)
galaxygirl Insane Location: NH	The basis of any relationship are trust and honesty. If you don't have those you may as well let him go. __________________ Drawing strength from His acceptance, offering all that I am and ever will be