I need help
 

so this is the first time I've really posted anything of any value. This is going to be a long post and a rather hard one for me to share but I need some thoughts and advice from people who are older and more expeirenced than I am.
First off, I am 18 years old and going to college next month. I had been in a wonderful relationship with an amazing guy for two and a half years. I say had because I no longer am. Granted this is through my own actons, nonetheless, it sucks.
Here's what happened: in January of this year I switched to a different school than the one I had previously bee attending. This is where my boyfriend and I met. For his sake, I will call him Ryan. At this new school I met a guy who will be called Nate. Not too much of a big deal. Ryan and I, though we were commmitted to each other, were allowed to see other people. The reason for this being that we are both very young (he is 18 as well) and need to expeirince more. The two rules we had with this situation were that we were supposed to be honest about our situations with other people and that nothing sexual (re: beyond making out) was to be done.
I became interested in Nate. I didn't tell Ryan because I didn't want to hurt him. Up to this point, neither of us had really taken advantage of the situation. I didn't know really how to handle it. I knew Nate was interested in me as well. He had asked me to go over to his house and watch a movie with him. He had led me to believe that his father would be home. He was not. We started making out and then things got out of hand. We ended up having sex. I regretted it from the second that it happened and actually became physically sick on the way home.
This was a one time thing. Ryan I know suspected something was going on, especially as I started acting "weird" immediatly after. The guilt I felt was almost more than I could handle. I have always been prone to depression, and this sent me spiriling into one of the worst episodes of my life. I didn't know this at the time, but I am bipolar and therefore my antidepressants weren't working. This also explains the impulsive behavior that attracted me to Nate in the first place. I want it to be known right now that I am NOT BLAMING MY ILLNESS FOR MY INDISCRESION. I just now know that it is indeed a contributing factor. Anyways, a mutual friend of Ryan and mine found out about it. He confronted me and I admitted to it. He speficifally told me he would not tell Ryan, although he encouraged me to.
Well, the bastard lied. Several weeks later, without any warning to me, he told Ryan. Needless to say, Ryan was very upset. We had our fights, but he is willing and has (as far as I can tell) forgiven me. While we are not back together, things are as well off as I can hope for.
This is my problem: since this original betrayl by the friend (Brian), I have found out about several others. Over the years, he has repeated several things that I confided in him on the strictes confidence to either another friend or to his mother. This greatly upset me when I found out. Many of the things were of a very personal nature and I was very upset about this and the fact that he told Ryan. However, I decided that the friendship may be more valuable than that. He has been lately saying things to me like "oh Ryan is off in some room with a girl he just met. Ha ha...just kidding". He knows comments like this greatly affect and upset me to the point of pusing me to the edge. His rational of it is that I haven't been acting "normal" (the bipolar is what he's referring to). I have repeatly asked him in the clearest of terms not to say things like that to me, as it upsets me. He says ok. Then the next day does it again. I have only been on the proper meds for a week. They don't take full effect for up 3 weeks. Brian knows this, and yet still can't figure out why I'm not acting "normal". He has been saying some very rude things to me lately. Very hurtful and very cutting. The last straw came today. He was telling me about a trip to Ryan's cabin that they, with two other guy friends, are taking with Ryan's step sister and 3 of her friends. He proceded to tell me "He could fuck another girl and you wouldn't even know. Oh wait, he's not you. Nevermind. Forget I said anything." When i asked him why he said that he said (this is a direct quote) "I felt like being an ass." IS THIS EXCUSABLE?? I was unable to stop crying for more than an hour after he said this. I want to cut him out of my life compleatly. Am I being unreasonable and impulsive? Or does he deserve this? A quick responce would be highly valued.

You already know the answer. Brian is not a true friend, and is emotionally abusive and manipulative.

If I were you, I would leave him in the dust. He has demonstrated repeatedly that he is not to be trusted.

I recommend reading a book on boundaries.

You are not being unreasonable.

Cut off all ties to him. I have had friends like this before- they are only out to hurt you and you can never trust them. Stay away from them.

Thank you all for your advice. I am glad to see that I am not behaving unreasonably to this latest little act of maliciousness.

In the long run, you teach people how to treat you. Your choices are to remain friends with Brian and continue to be treated poorly or to end the relationship. If you choose the later, he may come back down the road, willing to change; but he may not. Either way, it sound like you will be better off.

BTW -- good job taking care of your mental health!

Exactly.

Try not to talk to him for awhile. He seems to be having fun making you feel miserable. He is saying all of that because he knows it gets to you. Just ignore him and his comments and eventually he'll leave you alone or go back to being the friend he once was.

Brian isn't your friend - like many have mentioned here. You aren't being unreasonable, and personally I tend to cut people out of my life which hurt me that way. Be strong!

Brian sounds like the kind of person that gets off on the "humiliation" of others, whether it be to your face or behind your back. This is not an ingredient of a friend. I would cut him out and not even entertain the thought of telling him why.

I have had one or two people like that in my life, sometimes they only act like your very close "friend" to see what they can get you to tell them. I am in a similar situation whereas I just found out that someone I thought was friend indeed doesnt seem to feel the same way according to what I've heard....so asta la vista (sp) to her and I wont look back.

good luck!!!

ugh...what a jerk...don't talk to him anymore, and don't feel guilty about it. he is NOT your friend.

If he makes you feel like shit, why should you be his friend?

Dump that bastard from your life. Enjoy college. Meet new people, get a fresh start.

Sounds like you need to cut out the drama.

it has already been said, but Brian is no friend. he treats you like shit and you don't have to put up with that. you're better off without him. good luck with all of this. :)

Thanks again for everyone's advice! I really appreciate it and am glad to know that there is a group of people I can talk to about stuff like this, as most of my friends are in this little group, and therefore, everything gets back to everyone. Thanks for being so supportive as well! Like I said, I really appreciate it.

I agree with most everyone on this, cut him out and move on. It's hard losing friends/relationships... but the abuse isn't worth it.

Brian sounds like a mindfucker of unsuspected magnitude. That he should time his hurtful words to coincide with vulnerabilities in your mental health is much worse than common, everyday jerk-ness. It's worse than if he sat on your broken leg and then laughed.

<b>I'm posting this response from one of our male members -</b>

"Are you in denial or something. I know I am not allowed to post here but there is somthing seriously wrong with your story that you dont seem to understand.

Brian has been faithful to you the whole time. You on the other hand you had sexual relations with another person, tried to get away with it by not telling him about it, then got caught by the mutual friend. Now you are mad at Ryan becuase he told some secrets about you?

You broke his confidence and lied to him. You were the one who sent the ball rolling on these tracks of events. He didnt do anything to make it start.

You act like he should be all fine with what happened to him. And yes I am saying it happened to him. He didnt do anything wrong at the start you were the problem maker and caused all this drama. You dont think he he hurts that you lied, decieved, and cheated on him? I bet he hurts more then you do. Guys have feelings too. I bet that if the situation was flipped around you would be doing the same thing. Women are very good at manipulation and word control so I wouldnt be suprised if you acted the same way Ryan is doing to you.

I know I am not allowed to post here, but damn, you need to see the side that he is on. You made the mess and you have to deal with it. You broke the cardnal code of a relationship. What you did will never be forgiven ever no matter if he says he forgives you or not. Your life with him is changed forever and if you think it will be the same as it was before you are fooling yourself and need to call Dr. Phil."

I have never once denied that I started it, nor have I said that I don't claim responcability for what I did. I know what I did was wrong, but this is not about him violating my trust. It's about what he said that was totally uncalled for, rude, and below the belt. I have bit my tounge many times to prevent him from mean things I have wanted to say many times, as a friend should do. If he won't pay me the same respect, then I see no reason why I should continue my friendship with him. Also, this is not the first time he has opened his mouth when I had asked him not to. I recently found out that nearly everything I have ever confided to him, he delibratly repeated to a mutual friend or his mother. That is not what a friend does. If I had wanted the other friend to know, I would have told him. I am not manipulating anyone, nor am I trying to shirk away from what I did. That is not mentioned, implied, or hinted at once in my original post. If you feel that way, you misinterpreted it very badly. I know what I did, I know it caused pain, and I know it was wrong. Thank you so very much for pointing something I have to live with every day and that causes me pain every day out to me. Like I didn't already have someone doing that. Thanks, so very much.

I'm confused about a couple points here:

1) Maybe I read it wrong, but I believe Brian is the "friend" who is being manipulative and hurtful, where Ryan was the "boyfriend."

2) How is posting a "male member's" response any different than him posting it himself?

Anyway, aphroditeskiss1, you are aware of the mistakes you've made. You have taken responsibility for them. It takes time for a person to learn to trust again, as you're finding out. Whether that person is worthy of that trust is something else. These are Ryan's lessons to learn now, and if you really care about him, and want to be with him, allow him that time to learn to trust you again. It's not a comfortable place to be, but it's necessary for a successful relationship. Just remember that any further transgressions will only damage your relationship more, and burden you with more guilt than you need to carry. I think you know this already.

Brian on the other hand sounds like a jealous immature child who's trying to lash out on behalf of his friend. His nasty belitting comments only make you feel bad and aren't constructive in the least. That's not how a real friend would act, so tread carefully.

ok you need to sit down and talk to "Ryan" so that where as, there is no "Brian" figure. Thats the bottom line and thats what you need to do i've been the Ryan per say and she just sat there and cryed but never talked to me. If i ever heard of someone making me "the Ryan figure" look bad as Brian did i would do something aboutthat as well. OK to answer your question no your not out of line by cutting Brian out of your life. But as I have said TALK TO HIM!!

i don't think telling ryan about the cheating in itself has anything wrong; what you did do wrong, according to M's post, was your breach of her confidence and your tasteless teasing and bugging. if she's decided to cut you out of her life, you could do nothing now to change that. leave her alone for a while, and maybe after everything's healed, she'll forgive you. meanwhile, just move on with your life, and make new friends, while remembering the lessons you learned from your savaged friendship with M. be careful choosing whom to become friends with, and after you become friends with them, cherish the friendship. good luck.

edit: a message by "brian" was posted earlier today, to which i wrote the above. now that message had been deleted, mine seemed to be talking to nobody. sorry readers.

I would just like to say that I will not be friendswith someone who willfully hurts me for months on end and is a total jackass to me. I have decided to cut brian out of my life and I will not go back on that. So don't post here anymore.
I've said all I have to say to you, don't take this battle public.

Posting this response @ the request of inera ('brian') (this is what was previously deleted:

does anyone else soooo not miss high school??? this kind of thing sucked, but it's part of that fun learning curve we all go through at some point. who was it that said "with friends like these, who needs enemies"?

to aphroditeskiss1--you aren't being unreasonable for wanting to end a friendship. you will have to do this so many times in life for so many different reasons. sometimes the person does something to hurt you, and sometimes you discover you simply don't like them anymore (for whatever reason). not trusting someone is a damn good reason for ending a relationship of any kind. so is being hurt and humiliated by them (for whatever reason). even if this were coming from ryan/bryan it wouldn't be excusable (though a bit more understandable...).

to brian/inera---you admit you were an ass, for whatever reason. as sorry as you may be, that doesn't make what you did (hurtful comments and sharing secrets) okay. it's great that you trust your mom and are comfy going to her with problems but really, unless we're talking abuse or self-destructive behavior (suicidal, drug abuse, etc) taking your friends' probs to your mom without their consent is flat out rude. i do understand your reasoning, but when someone tells you something personal and in confidence that means you don't share it with other people--including your mom.

as for telling bryan/ryan about aphroditeskiss1's involvment with this other guy--how is that any of your business? what if she had been telling the truth when she denied it? unless nate had some pics or video to back up his story it was all he-said-she-said anyway (assuming you got it from nate and not some other friend that he told...). while i understand wanting to protect your friends, you aren't their keepers and you don't have a magic wand to fix all problems in their lives. in this situation, it doesn't seem you helped at all by telling. their relationship remains but you may lose a friend over it. i'd suggest learning to keep your mouth shut when it comes to secrets (or warn others not to share anything they wouldn't want your mom to know) and keeping your nose out of others' affairs. what she did may have been wrong, but it wasn't your place to decide the fate of their relationship. noone made you choose between friends, you decided to pass judgement on her behavior and stop being a friend because of it.

Just a few thoughts.

Does anyone else find it so amazing that the cheating girlfriend and the boyfriends best friend are the ones having the big drag out public fight? Why in heavens name is the boyfriend still dating her?

No offense M - but you are one very lucky and VERY forgiven gal. Have the sense to realize if (whatever his name is brian, ryan..whateveR) could forgive you haveing SEX with another guy - you can forgive this dude for being an ass.

Whether you want to or not is not the question here. What do you beleive is the right, moral, and ethical thing to do here according to your code of beleifs? You can not take back the cheating. You can change everything that is set before you. You have control over how you react to each thing that happens in your life - and that tells the audience and the crowd what kind fo a person you are?

so - what kind of person are you going to be?

I have already made my desicion. I did months ago. I am no longer in need of input or advice and I appreciate everyone who contributed to the thread, but please, consider the issue closed, because it is to me. Thank you.