Insecurities toward your SO's porn habits? - Tilted Forum Project Discussion Community

lafemmefatale · 09-25-2003, 05:20 PM

http://www.thestranger.com/2003-09-25/savage.html

The straight forward male perspective about the whole ordeal. While certain parts of the responses I have to disagree with [especially the last], it does offer a refreshing perspective.

StormBerlin · 09-25-2003, 08:45 PM

After reading the article, I have to agree to try and "Get over it." Because it sometimes bothers me too. But only when I go into the bedroom and he's downloading whole websites...

SiN · 09-25-2003, 08:55 PM

heh. i saw that SavageLove column yesterday. very good imo.

my bf sometimes d/l's whole porn sites too.

but 90% of the time, he gets the passes from me

and i do the same thing.

Vyxen · 09-25-2003, 09:27 PM

Looks like that writer made a couple very broad generalizations about men. Maybe most might be like that, but definitely not all. =)

I used to strongly believe the following quote he wrote:

"All men look at porn" "The handful of men who claim they don't look at porn are liars or castrate"

However, my fiance doesn't fit that description (and another guy I know). Actually, I *TRY* to get him to look at porn, lol. It gets me so excited... but he just doesn't get hard over it... unless he watches one of the one's we've made hehe. He's tried many times. (He never has any problems getting excited with me, so it's not a sexual disfunction) Anyway, we've been together for almost 4 years and i've been hoping to sort of catch him taking at least a peek at porn or even better, stroking it! Now, I'm usually an insecure person, but this idea really gets me going! hehe

We're very very open with eachother and almost all of our time is spent together anyway, so I completely trust him. I just had to add this post to say that the author of that column shouldn't stereotype like that. =) Unless of course, I'm not realizing it supposed to be a joke column? Woops =X

So, anyone else know any men that really can't get off to porn? I'm hoping it won't have an affect on the threesome I'm itching to have one day.

sexymama · 09-26-2003, 05:13 AM

Heck, I'm likely to point out a good looking woman to Lebell when we are out. I figure the porn he looks at is fantasy and I'm reality. As long as reality is fun and good, the fantasy is no threat, just an enhancer!

little limey · 09-27-2003, 08:26 PM

I don't care when Spinach_Indeed looks at porn cause I look at it and get off on it too! In fact when i go over to his house we watch the new movies he's downloaded.

Do you think that movies are different than pictures? I would have to say that i get off on his movies more than his pictures but I still don't mind him having the pics. As long as he's not trying to hide anything from me I'm ok. I make an effort to have porn be teamwork for the both of us because if it didn't include me, yes, I think it would bother me.

Peutetre · 09-27-2003, 09:59 PM

That was a pretty entertaining article.. Nice to see two male perspectives on the subject... I personally don't care if my boyfriend watches porn - I know he watched porn when I started dating him and I don't expect him to stop now... Every once in a while an exceptionally pretty girl in porn will make me feel a twinge of something.. jealousy? but that is usually during period week when I'm feeling emotional anyway!
I don't think porn is cheating - not even close.. and there is no reason to feel threatened by porn..

cheerios · 09-28-2003, 01:06 AM

that last one was hilarious, and i agree w/ the guy... You don't go into a relationship looking to change someone. "no Juan, you can't look at another woman now that you're dating me" is the most hypocrytical thing in the world, esp since I'm the one who get's caught w/ the wandering eye!

Shyla Loral · 09-28-2003, 05:39 AM

I don't think *all* men look at porn. With that said, both my hubby and I do, we look at it together. In my former marriage, *I* was the one who looked at it, and he didn't. I don't think that porn can harm a relationship unless a partner starts to use it as substitute for sex and/or intimacy.

emidew22 · 09-28-2003, 08:18 AM

I really don't have any insecurities about my boyfriend looking at/watching porn. Maybe because i look at it too. I actually think it's brought us closer throughout our relationship. We look at it together and buy it together (i loooove porn shops, they're so much fun!) I think that by watching it with him (and sometimes mimicking, which can be a lot of fun) it's made me more comfortable with my own sexuality which makes me more comfortable trying new things with him. Pretty much, porn is great, and it should be embrassed by both sexes, just as long as, like shyla said, it isn't used as a substitute!!

collide · 09-28-2003, 11:50 AM

I can understand how some people may be at conflict with porn or certain kinds of pornography that contribute to insecurities and a whole mess of other things, but that sort of thing is really a personal conflict, and the one who has to come to terms with it is the one who starts thinking irrationally and jumping to conclusions about the effects it might have on her boyfriend (especially without any evidence that he's doing anything more than mentally masturbating with his eyeballs). Besides, looking at porn doesn't indicate that he's necessarily lost interest with his Real Life girlfriend. It's mainly an impetus to one's existing sexual drive, and heck, life is so much better when you're both comfortable enough to admit it.

cherylcannady · 09-29-2003, 10:19 AM

I think I look at more porn than bigjule. I'm always suggesting that we rent movies or buy dirty magazines. I don't mind him looking at this stuff at all. It's not real. He knows it. I know it. And it's especially fun to play with porn together.

What I get really insecure about is cybersex. That's where I absolutely draw the line. With my last long term SO, he was addicted to cybersex. He had over a dozen "regulars" and it got to the point where he couldn't maintain an erection during the real thing. It just wasn't as fun and inventive as all the impossible things he could do online. Cybersex is right up there with cheating in real life. I'd cut off bigjule's face if he did. And besides. It's just not necessary. I'm all for three-somes.

Apache · 09-29-2003, 10:55 AM

Quote:

Originally posted by sexymama
Heck, I'm likely to point out a good looking woman to Lebell when we are out. I figure the porn he looks at is fantasy and I'm reality. As long as reality is fun and good, the fantasy is no threat, just an enhancer!

Well put. Better just to quote you than rewrite everything you just said

But this is exactly how I feel also. It never bothers me when my husband looks at porn because i watch sometimes too, and I too point out women to my hubby when we're out.

Rubyee · 09-30-2003, 04:22 PM

I have only been in two sexual relationships because they lasted for a long time, and I find that I am changing a lot in this new one.

I my first relationship, I hated the idea of porn, and I wasn't too fond of the thought of my SO mastrubating, either. Why? Insecurities.

However, and I don't know what caused the change, but now I am pretty neutral on the idea. I sometimes search my SO's computer to see what he looked at because I am curious. But now, I find myself getting extremely aroused by it and sometimes taking matters into my own hands.

So my point: I think that porn will only bother you if you feel threatened and insecure with your relationship. If you find that you hate the fact that your SO looks at it, you need to look into yourself first.

ally · 10-06-2003, 04:43 PM

I love to watch porn with my SO. I think its fun and am turned on by it
especially anime for some reason?!

wannabenakid247 · 10-17-2003, 04:16 AM

Porn is fab!

. It is great for everyone!!!! There is no reason why it should make anyone feel bad or insecure. It is simply for everyones fantasy.

Litespeed · 10-28-2003, 03:10 PM

This is a hot point of debate at my university. They host a whole week's worth of conferences each year revolving entirely around anti-porn topics, and every other conference that the university hosts seems to bring it up as well. They discuss the dangers of porn, how it makes men crazy and drives them towards violence.

I'm really very curious about the whole topic. I've been fed a substantial amount of information on both sides of the spectrum.

I don't have anything to do with it personally. Many of my friends actively speak out against porn, I am still assimilating information and perspectives.

The fact that Hal is webmaster for a porn site threw me for a loop when I first learned of it. It almost discounted him as a potential SO.

I don't even notice most of the time when he looks at a girl on the street, though when I do I ask him what he sees that's so nice. He's very technical about his descriptions, sterile, non-emotional so I can't complain.

I know he loves me. That's all it comes down to. Every now and again I catch myself comparing, but he loves me. That's all that really counts.

raeanna74 · 10-28-2003, 04:44 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by sexymama
Heck, I'm likely to point out a good looking woman to Lebell when we are out. I figure the porn he looks at is fantasy and I'm reality. As long as reality is fun and good, the fantasy is no threat, just an enhancer!

Same here. We scope out other women all the time. It helps that I'm bi. I used to have a problem with it. Partly because he wasn't giving me enough attention - practically ignoring me - and even told me at the time he didn't love me. Now he makes sure I know he loves me and pay me more attention. Also I've learned that it really gets him excited when I look at it with him. A great way to get his attention I think. I mean what guy when he's looking at porn and sees his girl there naked or in sexy lingere (sp?) and playing with herself while looking at the porn too can he resist not wanting to touch and play with the real thing right there? Now if he completely ignored me then - THEN I might have a problem with it but it wouldn't be with the porn - it would be with him.

emidew22 · 10-29-2003, 05:24 AM

I never used to care, but just the other night i read one of my boyfriend's old posts, where he described a porn star as "the epitome of beauty" and for some reason that just stung. I don't know... i mean it makes sense for someone to say like "that porn star has the hottest tits" or something like that, but beautiful isn't what i think of when i see porn. I think sex. That's all that there is to those women as far as i can see when you watch a porn. Maybe they are beautiful people once you get to know them, but last time i checked, he doesn't know them. Although he seemed to know her body pretty well, cause he was able to go into detail in his post about how this chic used to weigh more, but then she lost all this weight and her tits shrunk, so maybe that's why she got a boob job or something. I mean, yeah, looking at porn is fine, but he must have _studied_ her body or something. Wouldn't that make you insecure? And aren't I supposed to be the one who's the epitome of beauty in his eyes??? Be he only ever tells me that i'm hot or sexy. It's like i'm the sex object and the porn star is the one he's in love with.

galaxygirl · 10-29-2003, 06:16 PM

No insecurities as far as my SO looking at porn - we have similiar tastes and he always downloads the best pics for me,

sillygirl · 10-29-2003, 06:22 PM

While some men look at porn "just cuz" (or whatever) some do become addicted. It's a serious problem that isn't spoken about too often, and they go through the same withdrawal symptoms as an alcoholic or druggie. It's worse because it's free. But it causes just as many problems.

I personally do not appreciate porn at all. I don't necessarily consider it "abominable", but I have no desire to watch other people having sex. I don't really have a problem with a SO watching it as long as it a) doesn't become a problem, and b) isn't hidden from me. The minute I find out that the fact that my SO is watching porn/looking at porn behind my back and hiding it from me is the minute that I feel insecure about it.

uptown · 11-12-2003, 01:48 AM

I think that people have the right to sexual privacy and that privacy can include porn.What bothers me is when a man sits around looking at porn and then decides he's going to use me as a human kleenex.

For some reason that just makes me feel lousy,why would a man think a woman would be excited at the prospect of lying there while he pumps away dreaming of the women he's been watching on tv or the computer? I don't orgasm from such sex and end up additionally feeling inferior and horrible for the rest of the day.

gabshu · 11-12-2003, 06:58 AM

I like looking at porn with my SO, but I do find the amount of it that he has to be quite funny. He says he got it all before meeting me, not that I care either way, but the shear amount man! That's a lot of porn.

Moral: porn is fun no need to get upset over other people watching it.

Poyzun_Ivy · 11-12-2003, 11:44 AM

I don't mind when my bf (thejoker130) looks at porn, but sometimes he just doesn't know when to stop... like when he started getting it on *my* computer.

And it's the things that I'll come across at the most random times. I have my own collection, and I keep the things he wouldn't want to see in hidden folders where he'd never have to worry about looking at huge veinous penii or something.

But when I come across a folder on my desktop filled to the brim with "Busty Lesbians With Dildoes!" I get a little upset.

-+ Ivy +-

torn lace · 11-12-2003, 02:37 PM

i really enjoy porn, and it definately has brought me closer to my SOs, although we have never *watched* together. we'll send eachother links and whatnot while were online. I think it would be thrilling to watch it and then proceed from there...!

uptown · 11-13-2003, 09:10 AM

The main problem with porn imho is that it makes one wonder how much their sexual encounters with an SO actually involve the SO's desire for you as opposed to the SO being aroused and excited by other people and then just merely using your body as a handy subsitute.I don't know about anybody else but I like to feel at least occasionally that I'm an actual part of lovemaking,not just a stand in for the women he really wants.

txlovely · 12-16-2003, 12:09 PM

I'm bumping this thread up because it's Christmastime and regrets and insecurities are in full-swing. First let me just say that I have no real problems with the fact that porn exists. I know it's not going to go away and I'm very realistic about that. I have determined that it bothers me very much that my SO would rather look at it and hide it from me than, a) have sex with me, or b) physically/emotionally share what it is that he finds fascinating about the porn he so enjoys. Instead what it is doing is making me regret that I have been devoted and loving to someone who would rather devote himself to chics with their legs spread and dicks in their mouth on a computer screen. Someone who will pay for porn sites while he tells me he has no money. Honestly, I'm insecure about my body but most women are when they are compared to porn stars. If I thought for a minute that he would rather spend and hour with me fulfilling his every whim instead of spending an hour staring at women/girls/teens (worse of the three) on the computer I wouldn't give a shit about the porn, but that is not the case.

I don't know why I continue to waste my time on this person. Other men do flirt with me and tell me I'm beautiful. I'm not beautiful, but I'm no dog either. I have had many other offers since dating this guy, but have, for what is right now seeming like some stupid reason, stayed with him. I tell myself it's love but I really think he loves computer porn much more than me. I have tried to discuss it with him, but he never gives me anything more than the two standard "men caught looking at porn" answers: "I'll stop," or "It has nothing to do with you." What kind of bullshit is that? Oh yeah, it's the same bullshit that is spewed about who initiates sex first - well, if I didn't think that some naked teen or some big-fake-boobed freak of nature was dancing the waltz of the fucking sugar plum fairy in his head while I'm blowing him, then maybe I would blow him more often!

I hate the fucking Christmas season. It always makes you re-evaluate your life and ask yourself questions that you've been asking all year, but for some reason you are all of a sudden trying to wrap up loose ends before the fucking ball drops on the 31st.

Merry Fucking Christmas and Happy Fucking Hanukah.

Rant over. Just really needed to get that off my, uh, chest.

Steffi · 12-18-2003, 09:11 PM

I don't really mind it when my SO looks at porn. At first it kind of upset me, but then I realized that I needed to "get over it." I realized that these girls are only there for him to look at, but with me he gets the whole deal. He can talk to me, look at me, and touch me. He can't do all that with the girls on his computer. I'm not saying that sometimes I don't feel insecure when I see those girls on his computer, but there has to be a reason as to why he chose me. So I guess what I'm saying is to basically "get over it", and look at the positive things instead of the negative things.

txlovely · 12-19-2003, 08:47 AM

"Get over it"? As far as I can tell, there are no "positive things" to come out of this. Not respecting the person you supposedly love is about the most negative thing I can imagine.

uptown · 12-20-2003, 07:44 AM

I don't think it's an intentional disrespect thing,men are visual creatures.However,when a man comes bounding into the bedroom with a full on erection that was obviously not caused by any interaction with me,turns off the lights and wants sex immediately.it kind of bothers me.It makes me wonder who he was thinking of to get aroused,I don't feel like anything in the interaction had anything to do with any sort of love or desire for me.I feel like a convient accessory or something not a wanted lover.

I have no problem with porn or masterbation(studies show that people in relationships who get steady sex probably masterbate even more than singles) I just feel really odd and weirded out by
a guy getting all turned on by other people and then pouncing on me in the dark,it feels vaquely like I'm being used like a blow up doll as a substitute or something.

If images on a tv,monitor or magazine page turns you on that's
fine,why not then finish the session with those images and your hand rather than make you partner feel like an inadequate substitute?

SiN · 12-20-2003, 03:42 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by txlovely
... Not respecting the person you supposedly love is about the most negative thing I can imagine.

oi. um, firstly, whether or not porn is 'respectful' is a personal decision.

and so, technically you have the right to think it's disrespectful.

and if you've made this clear to your SO and he's not 'respecting' your wishes, well i think you know the answer to that one.

and for future reference, when you're in a situation where your SO respects however you feel about this, just be careful that he's being honest with you and not looking at porn behind your back.
now *that* would be disrespectful, imo. (unless it was agreed that that was ok)

good luck.

sillygirl · 12-20-2003, 06:05 PM

I think that the only time porn becomes really, truly disrespectful is when it is used as a substitute. I don't like it, I don't appreciate it, I have no use for it. But that doesn't mean that I would tell my SO to stay the hell away from it. It's more about open communication. If they know that you're really truly uneasy with it and they SAY they'll stop and DON'T, or they hide it from you and you find out, that's when it is disrespectful. (hypothetically ---> ) I'd rather know that my SO looked at porn in a 'healthy' manner, and just not want to participate in it myself, than find out during our relationship that he was hiding it from me all along. If you're hiding something from someone just because you don't want them to find out (or for a similar reason), then it gives off the vibe that you think it's bad and just don't want to deal with it. But if it's communicated openly, and I know about it and just don't care to join in the 'fun', fine. Whatever. At least it doesn't make me feel insecure (so much). To me, if it's being hidden, it's made to seem like it's a bad thing. And that's how it is with most things in life, not just porn.

uptown · 12-21-2003, 07:07 AM

Quote:

Originally posted by Steffi
I don't really mind it when my SO looks at porn. At first it kind of upset me, but then I realized that I needed to "get over it." I realized that these girls are only there for him to look at, but with me he gets the whole deal. He can talk to me, look at me, and touch me. He can't do all that with the girls on his computer. I'm not saying that sometimes I don't feel insecure when I see those girls on his computer, but there has to be a reason as to why he chose me. So I guess what I'm saying is to basically "get over it", and look at the positive things instead of the negative things.

I can "get over" the porn/celebrity/other woman watching and lusting for thing what I can't get over is the idea that I'm being used as some sort of cum rag when he gets turned on by these images,other people.The idea that I'm also supposed to be grateful for the fact that he gets his appetite elsewhere but only eats at home is also pretty upsetting.

In thinking about it the idea of an open,non-sexually exclusive relationship seems less upsetting than the thought that a guy has to really struggle to remain sexually faithful to me and that
I am so sexually undesirable that he needs a ton of outside stimulation in order to poke me in the dark.

If other women turn you on,pursue them if you'd like,if porn or 2D images float your boat, go ahead and enjoy them to full climax..just don't come trotting into our bedroom,turn off the lights and act like you're doing me some sort of favor by screwing me while in your head you're with somebody else.

I'd gladly settle for a lot less sex if the sex I do have actually involves some real lust,desire and love for me not just using me as a substitute that has to be settled for.

isis · 12-21-2003, 02:11 PM

I agree 100% uptown.

Mehoni · 12-21-2003, 09:36 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by lafemmefatale
http://www.thestranger.com/2003-09-25/savage.html

That link was just a heap of shit.

As you might have guessed by that line, I don't look at porn and I don't like my boyfriend looking at porn either.

Spewing bullshit-lines that "men likes to look" is like saying "all women love babies". Simply not true.

But then again, I'm lucky here. My boyfriend does not look at porn. He knows how I feel about it. But he's not making a "sacrifice" either.. he's simply not that kind of person.

Things that made me see red: (bolded)

Quote:

First, a little insensitivity: You would have to be an idiot to marry this insecure, inconsiderate bag of slop. She throws your stuff away? You can't look at a pretty woman on the street? That's the sort of crap you squelch before you marry someone, PC, unless you're really looking forward to that first divorce. If you love her and want to marry her, do her the favor of leveling with her: Of course you're not satisfied with just one sex partner--no man ever is! Men aren't wired for monogamy.

You see, he's trying to tell us that we're not good enough to marry if we have insecurities and that ALL men wants the same thing.. more than one body to fuck and that we should be lucky they're not all screwing around and cheating on us. (Oh, and btw.. your SO is not satisfied with you either.. I mean, you're only one person...)

I clearly live in a different universe, because where I come from, most people are different in the way they think, act, feel etc...

txlovely · 12-22-2003, 08:44 AM

Quote:

oi. um, firstly, whether or not porn is 'respectful' is a personal decision.

The issue of disrespect here involves him looking at it behind my back when he knows it bothers me and not discussing it with me or telling me what gets him off about it.

Quote:

If images on a tv, monitor or magazine page turns you on that's fine,why not then finish the session with those images and your hand rather than make you partner feel like an inadequate substitute?

This is where I have a real problem - AND most importantly, I firmly believe that all these women who say they don't mind their SO's looking at porn secretly feel this way. Now if you are looking at it with them, that's a different issue all together. That's your choice and really a topic for a whole other thread.

Quote:

I think that the only time porn becomes really, truly disrespectful is when it is used as a substitute. I don't like it, I don't appreciate it, I have no use for it. But that doesn't mean that I would tell my SO to stay the hell away from it. It's more about open communication. If they know that you're really truly uneasy with it and they SAY they'll stop and DON'T, or they hide it from you and you find out, that's when it is disrespectful. (hypothetically ---> ) I'd rather know that my SO looked at porn in a 'healthy' manner, and just not want to participate in it myself, than find out during our relationship that he was hiding it from me all along. If you're hiding something from someone just because you don't want them to find out (or for a similar reason), then it gives off the vibe that you think it's bad and just don't want to deal with it. But if it's communicated openly, and I know about it and just don't care to join in the 'fun', fine. Whatever. At least it doesn't make me feel insecure (so much). To me, if it's being hidden, it's made to seem like it's a bad thing. And that's how it is with most things in life, not just porn.

Thanks, sillygirl because this is really my issue exactly. He is sneaky about it and then when I ask him what the thrill is, he can't even look at me, much less give me an answer. I've told him we'd watch it together, but he's too ashamed or freaked or whatever, so we don't and he continues to look and try (rather inadequately) to hide it from me.

Quote:

If other women turn you on,pursue them if you'd like,if porn or 2D images float your boat, go ahead and enjoy them to full climax..just don't come trotting into our bedroom,turn off the lights and act like you're doing me some sort of favor by screwing me while in your head you're with somebody else.

Uptown drove this point home well - this is the unfortunate by-product of "Secretive Porn Habits of the Male Species". What they don't realize is that they undermine our security as women and our security in our relationship. Frankly, this is what makes it very difficult for me to relax into sex with my SO - it's as I said in a previous post, I "know" he's thinking about some other woman/women than me. Now, this may not be true, but how can I be so sure?

I know plenty of happily monogamous people and plenty of people who cheat on their spouse. Frankly, looking at porn and not openly with your SO, is no different than sleeping with another person as far as I'm concerned. I am not freaked out by porn, anti-porn, a prude or otherwise, I just think that I should be the one turning on my SO, not some slut on a computer screen when I'm not around. And then when I AM around, he's not interested at all? That doesn't seem like anything too absurd, does it?

sillygirl · 12-22-2003, 04:24 PM

Quote:

Frankly, looking at porn and not openly with your SO, is no different than sleeping with another person as far as I'm concerned.

Exactly. I agree 200%

Quote:

I am not freaked out by porn, anti-porn, a prude or otherwise, I just think that I should be the one turning on my SO, not some slut on a computer screen when I'm not around. And then when I AM around, he's not interested at all? That doesn't seem like anything too absurd, does it?

I'm with you here on this one, too. You've told him that you'd be more comfortable with it if he shared it with you or talked to you about it? And he STILL won't do it? If it really truly seems like more than just an enjoyment of porn, look for the signs of addiction (I'm being relatively serious here, there is such thing as sexual addiction). Go from there. It may turn out that it's something he's secretly struggling with, and refuses to admit it or is afraid to admit it. I know that it's a long shot, but.... :shrug: ya never know....

We're with ya, hon! Feel free to PM me if you ever wanna chat... (((((())))))

uptown · 12-23-2003, 03:20 AM

I disagree that porn is the same as actual cheating.Infidelity involves an actual live person,in real time 3D.You aren't going to catch any STD's or have your marriage destroyed by occasional porn viewing...you might though if the fantasy involves that cute chic he met at work.

My point is this,after an evening spent watching tv with a guy and viewing various half dressed celebrities(with him commenting on this one or that one thru out the evening) with little to no attention being paid to you whatsoever,you two go to bed and he turns off the lights,perfuctorily paws one of your breasts,makes a grab for your pussy,mounts you and thrusts away,no caressing,no sweet words,no making sure you're turned on.Add in the occasionally "honest,helpful" critisism he makes about your body and the fact that the women he admires aloud don't ever even remotely resemble anything like what you look like, what then is a woman to think?

You come home from work and he's real happy to see you,all raring to go,erection in full force,minimal to no interaction from
you,was he thinking of making love to you all afternoon or was he viewing images on his computer monitor and decided to do you a favor by screwing you instead of masterbating?Are you a desired,wanted lover or just a somewhat disappointing but convient substitute?

sillygirl · 12-23-2003, 02:18 PM

Quote:

You aren't going to catch any STD's or have your marriage destroyed by occasional porn viewing...

I don't think that an 'occasional porn viewing' is what we're talking about here, though. We're talking about women whose men would rather watch some porn slut with ginormous fake boobs (and HIDE it) than be with the woman they profess to love.

When it gets to the point that they're a)hiding it b)lying about it c)only using the woman as a cum rag, I personally consider that to be cheating.

Quote:

infidelity

\In`fi*del"i*ty\, n.; pl. Infidelities. [L. infidelitas: cf. F. infid['e]lit['e].] 1. Want of faith or belief in some religious system; especially, a want of faith in, or disbelief of, the inspiration of the Scriptures, of the divine origin of Christianity.

There is, indeed, no doubt but that vanity is one of the principal causes of infidelity. --V. Knox.

2. Unfaithfulness to the marriage vow or contract; violation of the marriage covenant by adultery.

3. Breach of trust; unfaithfulness to a charge, or to moral obligation; treachery; deceit; as, the infidelity of a servant. ``The infidelity of friends.'' --Sir W. Temple.

http://dictionary.reference.com/search?q=infidelity

So I guess it all depends on how you look at it...

txlovely · 12-23-2003, 02:30 PM

That is absolutely it, sillygirl! Who doesn't see naked people occasionally or even be curious about porn or what it may do for your relationship? Not the issue at all. It's who they're looking at and how much of it. Also paying to subscribe to porn sites is despicable, especially with all the free stuff out there, movies to rent, etc. and MOST especially when money is an issue in your house. Crying poor, not being able to pay your bills AND spending money on porn while you're hiding your habit and lying to your SO about it? Pretty indefensible if you ask me.

09-25-2003, 05:20 PM	#1 (permalink)
lafemmefatale Insane Location: Vancouver	Insecurities toward your SO's porn habits? http://www.thestranger.com/2003-09-25/savage.html The straight forward male perspective about the whole ordeal. While certain parts of the responses I have to disagree with [especially the last], it does offer a refreshing perspective. __________________ -poor is the man whose pleasure depends on the permission of another-

09-25-2003, 08:45 PM	#2 (permalink)
StormBerlin Happy as a hippo Location: Southern California	After reading the article, I have to agree to try and "Get over it." Because it sometimes bothers me too. But only when I go into the bedroom and he's downloading whole websites... __________________ "if anal sex could get a girl pregnant i'd be tits deep in child support" Arcane

09-25-2003, 08:55 PM	#3 (permalink)
SiN strangelove Location: ...more here than there...	heh. i saw that SavageLove column yesterday. very good imo. my bf sometimes d/l's whole porn sites too. but 90% of the time, he gets the passes from me and i do the same thing. __________________ - + - ° GiRLie GeeK ° - + - ° 01110010011011110110111101110100001000000110110101100101 Therell be days/When Ill stray/I may appear to be/Constantly out of reach/I give in to sin/Because I like to practise what I preach

09-26-2003, 05:13 AM	#5 (permalink)
sexymama My own person -- his by choice Location: Lebell's arms	Heck, I'm likely to point out a good looking woman to Lebell when we are out. I figure the porn he looks at is fantasy and I'm reality. As long as reality is fun and good, the fantasy is no threat, just an enhancer! __________________ If you can go deeply into lovemaking, the ego disappears. That is the beauty of lovemaking, that it is another source of a glimpse of god It's not about being perfect; it's about developing some skill at managing imperfection.

09-28-2003, 05:39 AM	#9 (permalink)
Shyla Loral Crazy Location: Austin	I don't think all men look at porn. With that said, both my hubby and I do, we look at it together. In my former marriage, I was the one who looked at it, and he didn't. I don't think that porn can harm a relationship unless a partner starts to use it as substitute for sex and/or intimacy. __________________ "Three may keep a secret, if two of them are dead" Ben Franklin, Poor Richard's Almanac. Meff r0x

09-25-2003, 09:27 PM	#4 (permalink)
Vyxen Tilted Location: NJ	Looks like that writer made a couple very broad generalizations about men. Maybe most might be like that, but definitely not all. =) I used to strongly believe the following quote he wrote: "All men look at porn" "The handful of men who claim they don't look at porn are liars or castrate" However, my fiance doesn't fit that description (and another guy I know). Actually, I TRY to get him to look at porn, lol. It gets me so excited... but he just doesn't get hard over it... unless he watches one of the one's we've made hehe. He's tried many times. (He never has any problems getting excited with me, so it's not a sexual disfunction) Anyway, we've been together for almost 4 years and i've been hoping to sort of catch him taking at least a peek at porn or even better, stroking it! Now, I'm usually an insecure person, but this idea really gets me going! hehe We're very very open with eachother and almost all of our time is spent together anyway, so I completely trust him. I just had to add this post to say that the author of that column shouldn't stereotype like that. =) Unless of course, I'm not realizing it supposed to be a joke column? Woops =X So, anyone else know any men that really can't get off to porn? I'm hoping it won't have an affect on the threesome I'm itching to have one day.

09-27-2003, 08:26 PM	#6 (permalink)
little limey Psycho Location: Room Nineteen	I don't care when Spinach_Indeed looks at porn cause I look at it and get off on it too! In fact when i go over to his house we watch the new movies he's downloaded. Do you think that movies are different than pictures? I would have to say that i get off on his movies more than his pictures but I still don't mind him having the pics. As long as he's not trying to hide anything from me I'm ok. I make an effort to have porn be teamwork for the both of us because if it didn't include me, yes, I think it would bother me.

09-27-2003, 09:59 PM	#7 (permalink)
Peutetre Tilted	That was a pretty entertaining article.. Nice to see two male perspectives on the subject... I personally don't care if my boyfriend watches porn - I know he watched porn when I started dating him and I don't expect him to stop now... Every once in a while an exceptionally pretty girl in porn will make me feel a twinge of something.. jealousy? but that is usually during period week when I'm feeling emotional anyway! I don't think porn is cheating - not even close.. and there is no reason to feel threatened by porn..

09-28-2003, 01:06 AM	#8 (permalink)
cheerios Banned Location: 'bout 2 feet from my iMac	that last one was hilarious, and i agree w/ the guy... You don't go into a relationship looking to change someone. "no Juan, you can't look at another woman now that you're dating me" is the most hypocrytical thing in the world, esp since I'm the one who get's caught w/ the wandering eye!

09-28-2003, 08:18 AM	#10 (permalink)
emidew22 Upright Location: Boston	I really don't have any insecurities about my boyfriend looking at/watching porn. Maybe because i look at it too. I actually think it's brought us closer throughout our relationship. We look at it together and buy it together (i loooove porn shops, they're so much fun!) I think that by watching it with him (and sometimes mimicking, which can be a lot of fun) it's made me more comfortable with my own sexuality which makes me more comfortable trying new things with him. Pretty much, porn is great, and it should be embrassed by both sexes, just as long as, like shyla said, it isn't used as a substitute!!

09-28-2003, 11:50 AM	#11 (permalink)
collide Turn off your TV. Location: ... .- -. ..-. .-. .- -. -.-. .. ... -.-. --- --..-- -.-. .-	I can understand how some people may be at conflict with porn or certain kinds of pornography that contribute to insecurities and a whole mess of other things, but that sort of thing is really a personal conflict, and the one who has to come to terms with it is the one who starts thinking irrationally and jumping to conclusions about the effects it might have on her boyfriend (especially without any evidence that he's doing anything more than mentally masturbating with his eyeballs). Besides, looking at porn doesn't indicate that he's necessarily lost interest with his Real Life girlfriend. It's mainly an impetus to one's existing sexual drive, and heck, life is so much better when you're both comfortable enough to admit it. __________________ "inhuman fiery goat worship" is an anagram for "information superhighway" -kingvolc

09-29-2003, 10:19 AM	#12 (permalink)
cherylcannady Upright Location: Central Wis.	I think I look at more porn than bigjule. I'm always suggesting that we rent movies or buy dirty magazines. I don't mind him looking at this stuff at all. It's not real. He knows it. I know it. And it's especially fun to play with porn together. What I get really insecure about is cybersex. That's where I absolutely draw the line. With my last long term SO, he was addicted to cybersex. He had over a dozen "regulars" and it got to the point where he couldn't maintain an erection during the real thing. It just wasn't as fun and inventive as all the impossible things he could do online. Cybersex is right up there with cheating in real life. I'd cut off bigjule's face if he did. And besides. It's just not necessary. I'm all for three-somes. __________________ ~I wonder who I am today. Any ideas?

09-30-2003, 04:22 PM	#14 (permalink)
Rubyee I'm baaaaack!	I have only been in two sexual relationships because they lasted for a long time, and I find that I am changing a lot in this new one. I my first relationship, I hated the idea of porn, and I wasn't too fond of the thought of my SO mastrubating, either. Why? Insecurities. However, and I don't know what caused the change, but now I am pretty neutral on the idea. I sometimes search my SO's computer to see what he looked at because I am curious. But now, I find myself getting extremely aroused by it and sometimes taking matters into my own hands. So my point: I think that porn will only bother you if you feel threatened and insecure with your relationship. If you find that you hate the fact that your SO looks at it, you need to look into yourself first. __________________ You don't know from fun.

10-06-2003, 04:43 PM	#15 (permalink)
ally Insane Location: Boone,NC	I love to watch porn with my SO. I think its fun and am turned on by it especially anime for some reason?!

10-17-2003, 04:16 AM	#16 (permalink)
wannabenakid247 Registered User Location: Wales, UK	Porn is fab! . It is great for everyone!!!! There is no reason why it should make anyone feel bad or insecure. It is simply for everyones fantasy.

10-28-2003, 03:10 PM	#17 (permalink)
Litespeed Loser Location: Thousand Oaks, CA	This is a hot point of debate at my university. They host a whole week's worth of conferences each year revolving entirely around anti-porn topics, and every other conference that the university hosts seems to bring it up as well. They discuss the dangers of porn, how it makes men crazy and drives them towards violence. I'm really very curious about the whole topic. I've been fed a substantial amount of information on both sides of the spectrum. I don't have anything to do with it personally. Many of my friends actively speak out against porn, I am still assimilating information and perspectives. The fact that Hal is webmaster for a porn site threw me for a loop when I first learned of it. It almost discounted him as a potential SO. I don't even notice most of the time when he looks at a girl on the street, though when I do I ask him what he sees that's so nice. He's very technical about his descriptions, sterile, non-emotional so I can't complain. I know he loves me. That's all it comes down to. Every now and again I catch myself comparing, but he loves me. That's all that really counts.

10-29-2003, 05:24 AM	#19 (permalink)
emidew22 Upright Location: Boston	I never used to care, but just the other night i read one of my boyfriend's old posts, where he described a porn star as "the epitome of beauty" and for some reason that just stung. I don't know... i mean it makes sense for someone to say like "that porn star has the hottest tits" or something like that, but beautiful isn't what i think of when i see porn. I think sex. That's all that there is to those women as far as i can see when you watch a porn. Maybe they are beautiful people once you get to know them, but last time i checked, he doesn't know them. Although he seemed to know her body pretty well, cause he was able to go into detail in his post about how this chic used to weigh more, but then she lost all this weight and her tits shrunk, so maybe that's why she got a boob job or something. I mean, yeah, looking at porn is fine, but he must have _studied_ her body or something. Wouldn't that make you insecure? And aren't I supposed to be the one who's the epitome of beauty in his eyes??? Be he only ever tells me that i'm hot or sexy. It's like i'm the sex object and the porn star is the one he's in love with. Last edited by emidew22; 10-29-2003 at 05:43 AM..

10-29-2003, 06:16 PM	#20 (permalink)
galaxygirl Insane Location: NH	No insecurities as far as my SO looking at porn - we have similiar tastes and he always downloads the best pics for me, __________________ Drawing strength from His acceptance, offering all that I am and ever will be

10-29-2003, 06:22 PM	#21 (permalink)
sillygirl Newlywed Location: at home	While some men look at porn "just cuz" (or whatever) some do become addicted. It's a serious problem that isn't spoken about too often, and they go through the same withdrawal symptoms as an alcoholic or druggie. It's worse because it's free. But it causes just as many problems. I personally do not appreciate porn at all. I don't necessarily consider it "abominable", but I have no desire to watch other people having sex. I don't really have a problem with a SO watching it as long as it a) doesn't become a problem, and b) isn't hidden from me. The minute I find out that the fact that my SO is watching porn/looking at porn behind my back and hiding it from me is the minute that I feel insecure about it. __________________ Anyone can be passionate, but it takes real lovers to be silly-Rose Franken ....absence makes me miss him more... Last edited by sillygirl; 11-12-2003 at 07:30 AM..

11-12-2003, 01:48 AM	#22 (permalink)
uptown Insane	I think that people have the right to sexual privacy and that privacy can include porn.What bothers me is when a man sits around looking at porn and then decides he's going to use me as a human kleenex. For some reason that just makes me feel lousy,why would a man think a woman would be excited at the prospect of lying there while he pumps away dreaming of the women he's been watching on tv or the computer? I don't orgasm from such sex and end up additionally feeling inferior and horrible for the rest of the day.

11-12-2003, 06:58 AM	#23 (permalink)
gabshu Psycho Location: The capital of the free world??	I like looking at porn with my SO, but I do find the amount of it that he has to be quite funny. He says he got it all before meeting me, not that I care either way, but the shear amount man! That's a lot of porn. Moral: porn is fun no need to get upset over other people watching it. __________________ Go Kool Aid. OH YEAAHH http://www.retrocrush.com/archive2003/koolaid/

11-12-2003, 11:44 AM	#24 (permalink)
Poyzun_Ivy Crazy Location: I'm standing right behind you...	I don't mind when my bf (thejoker130) looks at porn, but sometimes he just doesn't know when to stop... like when he started getting it on my computer. And it's the things that I'll come across at the most random times. I have my own collection, and I keep the things he wouldn't want to see in hidden folders where he'd never have to worry about looking at huge veinous penii or something. But when I come across a folder on my desktop filled to the brim with "Busty Lesbians With Dildoes!" I get a little upset. -+ Ivy +- __________________ She's pretty as a daisy But look out man she's crazy She'll really do you in If you let her get under your skin

11-12-2003, 02:37 PM	#25 (permalink)
torn lace Upright Location: East Village, NYC	i really enjoy porn, and it definately has brought me closer to my SOs, although we have never watched together. we'll send eachother links and whatnot while were online. I think it would be thrilling to watch it and then proceed from there...! __________________ make it electric.

11-13-2003, 09:10 AM	#26 (permalink)
uptown Insane	The main problem with porn imho is that it makes one wonder how much their sexual encounters with an SO actually involve the SO's desire for you as opposed to the SO being aroused and excited by other people and then just merely using your body as a handy subsitute.I don't know about anybody else but I like to feel at least occasionally that I'm an actual part of lovemaking,not just a stand in for the women he really wants. Last edited by uptown; 11-13-2003 at 09:48 AM..

12-16-2003, 12:09 PM	#27 (permalink)
txlovely Insane Location: ...We have a problem.	I'm bumping this thread up because it's Christmastime and regrets and insecurities are in full-swing. First let me just say that I have no real problems with the fact that porn exists. I know it's not going to go away and I'm very realistic about that. I have determined that it bothers me very much that my SO would rather look at it and hide it from me than, a) have sex with me, or b) physically/emotionally share what it is that he finds fascinating about the porn he so enjoys. Instead what it is doing is making me regret that I have been devoted and loving to someone who would rather devote himself to chics with their legs spread and dicks in their mouth on a computer screen. Someone who will pay for porn sites while he tells me he has no money. Honestly, I'm insecure about my body but most women are when they are compared to porn stars. If I thought for a minute that he would rather spend and hour with me fulfilling his every whim instead of spending an hour staring at women/girls/teens (worse of the three) on the computer I wouldn't give a shit about the porn, but that is not the case. I don't know why I continue to waste my time on this person. Other men do flirt with me and tell me I'm beautiful. I'm not beautiful, but I'm no dog either. I have had many other offers since dating this guy, but have, for what is right now seeming like some stupid reason, stayed with him. I tell myself it's love but I really think he loves computer porn much more than me. I have tried to discuss it with him, but he never gives me anything more than the two standard "men caught looking at porn" answers: "I'll stop," or "It has nothing to do with you." What kind of bullshit is that? Oh yeah, it's the same bullshit that is spewed about who initiates sex first - well, if I didn't think that some naked teen or some big-fake-boobed freak of nature was dancing the waltz of the fucking sugar plum fairy in his head while I'm blowing him, then maybe I would blow him more often! I hate the fucking Christmas season. It always makes you re-evaluate your life and ask yourself questions that you've been asking all year, but for some reason you are all of a sudden trying to wrap up loose ends before the fucking ball drops on the 31st. Merry Fucking Christmas and Happy Fucking Hanukah. Rant over. Just really needed to get that off my, uh, chest. __________________ Cruel words erode self-esteem like the ocean eats away the shore.

12-18-2003, 09:11 PM	#28 (permalink)
Steffi Tilted Location: Somewhere in the middle	I don't really mind it when my SO looks at porn. At first it kind of upset me, but then I realized that I needed to "get over it." I realized that these girls are only there for him to look at, but with me he gets the whole deal. He can talk to me, look at me, and touch me. He can't do all that with the girls on his computer. I'm not saying that sometimes I don't feel insecure when I see those girls on his computer, but there has to be a reason as to why he chose me. So I guess what I'm saying is to basically "get over it", and look at the positive things instead of the negative things.

12-19-2003, 08:47 AM	#29 (permalink)
txlovely Insane Location: ...We have a problem.	"Get over it"? As far as I can tell, there are no "positive things" to come out of this. Not respecting the person you supposedly love is about the most negative thing I can imagine. __________________ Cruel words erode self-esteem like the ocean eats away the shore.

12-20-2003, 07:44 AM	#30 (permalink)
uptown Insane	I don't think it's an intentional disrespect thing,men are visual creatures.However,when a man comes bounding into the bedroom with a full on erection that was obviously not caused by any interaction with me,turns off the lights and wants sex immediately.it kind of bothers me.It makes me wonder who he was thinking of to get aroused,I don't feel like anything in the interaction had anything to do with any sort of love or desire for me.I feel like a convient accessory or something not a wanted lover. I have no problem with porn or masterbation(studies show that people in relationships who get steady sex probably masterbate even more than singles) I just feel really odd and weirded out by a guy getting all turned on by other people and then pouncing on me in the dark,it feels vaquely like I'm being used like a blow up doll as a substitute or something. If images on a tv,monitor or magazine page turns you on that's fine,why not then finish the session with those images and your hand rather than make you partner feel like an inadequate substitute?

12-20-2003, 06:05 PM	#32 (permalink)
sillygirl Newlywed Location: at home	I think that the only time porn becomes really, truly disrespectful is when it is used as a substitute. I don't like it, I don't appreciate it, I have no use for it. But that doesn't mean that I would tell my SO to stay the hell away from it. It's more about open communication. If they know that you're really truly uneasy with it and they SAY they'll stop and DON'T, or they hide it from you and you find out, that's when it is disrespectful. (hypothetically ---> ) I'd rather know that my SO looked at porn in a 'healthy' manner, and just not want to participate in it myself, than find out during our relationship that he was hiding it from me all along. If you're hiding something from someone just because you don't want them to find out (or for a similar reason), then it gives off the vibe that you think it's bad and just don't want to deal with it. But if it's communicated openly, and I know about it and just don't care to join in the 'fun', fine. Whatever. At least it doesn't make me feel insecure (so much). To me, if it's being hidden, it's made to seem like it's a bad thing. And that's how it is with most things in life, not just porn. __________________ Anyone can be passionate, but it takes real lovers to be silly-Rose Franken ....absence makes me miss him more...

12-21-2003, 02:11 PM	#34 (permalink)
isis Insane Location: In the Woods.	I agree 100% uptown.

12-23-2003, 03:20 AM	#38 (permalink)
uptown Insane	I disagree that porn is the same as actual cheating.Infidelity involves an actual live person,in real time 3D.You aren't going to catch any STD's or have your marriage destroyed by occasional porn viewing...you might though if the fantasy involves that cute chic he met at work. My point is this,after an evening spent watching tv with a guy and viewing various half dressed celebrities(with him commenting on this one or that one thru out the evening) with little to no attention being paid to you whatsoever,you two go to bed and he turns off the lights,perfuctorily paws one of your breasts,makes a grab for your pussy,mounts you and thrusts away,no caressing,no sweet words,no making sure you're turned on.Add in the occasionally "honest,helpful" critisism he makes about your body and the fact that the women he admires aloud don't ever even remotely resemble anything like what you look like, what then is a woman to think? You come home from work and he's real happy to see you,all raring to go,erection in full force,minimal to no interaction from you,was he thinking of making love to you all afternoon or was he viewing images on his computer monitor and decided to do you a favor by screwing you instead of masterbating?Are you a desired,wanted lover or just a somewhat disappointing but convient substitute? Last edited by uptown; 12-23-2003 at 03:22 AM..

12-23-2003, 02:30 PM	#40 (permalink)
txlovely Insane Location: ...We have a problem.	That is absolutely it, sillygirl! Who doesn't see naked people occasionally or even be curious about porn or what it may do for your relationship? Not the issue at all. It's who they're looking at and how much of it. Also paying to subscribe to porn sites is despicable, especially with all the free stuff out there, movies to rent, etc. and MOST especially when money is an issue in your house. Crying poor, not being able to pay your bills AND spending money on porn while you're hiding your habit and lying to your SO about it? Pretty indefensible if you ask me. __________________ Cruel words erode self-esteem like the ocean eats away the shore.