thinking of an affair? - Tilted Forum Project Discussion Community

Pandabear · 08-01-2003, 05:22 PM

Has anyone of you married girls out there feel a closeness with someone else that you thought that you could easily have an affair? Just curious. What would you do?

*Nikki* · 08-01-2003, 05:31 PM

Remind myself what it would feel like if someone fucked around on me.

That swift kick in the ass would put a stop to that way of thinking.

collide · 08-01-2003, 05:31 PM

I'm not married, but I wouldn't advise having an affair if you care for the one whom you've married. At least, not without his consent first.

lurkette · 08-01-2003, 06:56 PM

Of course I've felt attraction for and closeness to other people, but like Nikki just the thought of what it would do to my husband, and to my own self-respect, puts an end to that thought before it really has a chance to form. As far as I know we've always been faithful to each other and that's a track record I'm eager to keep. Once you cross that boundary, even if you do manage to stay together, there's no going back to the way things were before.

Pandabear · 08-01-2003, 06:57 PM

I am not saying you are going to have an affair. What I am saying is that you have the feelings of it...

Pandabear · 08-01-2003, 07:00 PM

And then there are those where the attraction is lost to the person that you are with and you try so hard to make it work out. But there is someone else that seems they would better fit the need. I have so many friends that go through this...it's crazy. More people go through it than what actually should be.
Just wondering.

yoshi · 08-02-2003, 03:44 PM

First, if the attraction is lost between you two, then "both" of you have to work on it. Second, no matter how good the attraction feels, the grass is not always greener on the other side. And here's a question to think about.....how do you know this "lost attraction" won't happen again with someone else. Relationships are hard work everyday--but it's worth it.

angela146 · 08-06-2003, 09:24 AM

Quote:

Originally posted by Pandabear
And then there are those where the attraction is lost to the person that you are with and you try so hard to make it work out. But there is someone else that seems they would better fit the need. I have so many friends that go through this...it's crazy. More people go through it than what actually should be.
Just wondering.

If the attraction is lost, try talking to him about it. In fact, ask him if *he* has ever considered having an affair.

Yes, you are taking a big risk, but, if you don't do something, the situation will get worse and you might lose the marriage.

Even if you break up, it's better to talk about it and fight it out than to let it deteriorate and get nasty.

darksparkles · 08-06-2003, 06:29 PM

yeah, i've felt an incredibly scary amount of closeness and attraction to people that aren't my boyfriend ... including around a week and a half ago when i went on my regular vacation and ran into my ex that i hadn't seen since the year before. i never acted on it, though, and i practically kicked my own ass just for having the thoughts.

raeanna74 · 08-07-2003, 02:41 PM

I have felt that closeness. In some cases you can just be grateful for that closeness and companionship. Sometimes it can be a stopgap or sounding board to help you work on your marriage or current relationship.

If you would ever consider a real affair here's a site where you can find a lot of input from those who have been or are in affairs and how it has affected their lives. They will give you guidlines on how to set bounderies or warnings and reasons for not embarking on that kind of relationship. http://messageboards.ivillage.com/iv-rlmyaffair

Whatever you do the fact that you have considered an affair is usually a sign that something is missing from your marriage. Think long and hard about what that is and see if you can't change things. On the other hand if you aren't married and the other person is I would suggest trying to find that closeness with someone else. They will never be able to give you what you need in a relationship if they are currently attached.

Good Luck

Baileys · 08-28-2003, 07:28 PM

Been there, have the t-shirt. I always said I never would because I would be a wuss and tell on myself and then I would be worried about him leaving.

Well. That was the first 10 years. Then our marriage just went to pot. Neither of us asked the other what was going on. I did mention that it would be nice to be communicating. But we didn't get far. I could have pushed it further, but I didn't want to.

There was a message on the answering machine about flight arrangements. It was his friend. I asked what it was about and he said nothing. Now, mind you, we go on seperate vacations quite a bit.

5 days later, he tells me he is going to Vegas for a car race. Upon some grilling I found out this was planned a month ago, but he just go the okay from work. He was leaving the next day! I explained to him that he could have let me know earlier, especially when I asked him what the msg was about on the flight arrangements.

After 15 minutes of him saying, but I just got the approval from work, it finally dawned on him (that it dawned on him or to finally give up) and he said that he should have said something sooner.

I was SOOO pissed. Later that night I sent an encrypted msg to my ex boyfriend (the one before the guy I married). The next morning I woke up and thought 'OH SHIT! I SENT IT!'

Anyway... hubby left at 3 p.m. and I was in the ex's arms by 8 pm. I felt strange being with someone else after 16 years, but that was about it. A week later I realized that life was just not worth it to keep living with someone that you did not love or communicate with and I left. I"ll be officially divorced in 2 weeks. I personally, cannot wait!

Baileys · 08-28-2003, 07:29 PM

Oh.. in other words... don't do it unless you are ready to leave.

mindy · 08-30-2003, 09:52 AM

When I was married the first time, I would sometimes wonder what it would be like to be with someone else, then he did it to me. There is nothing like that pain when it happens to you. I have too much respect for who I am with now that I would never want him to hurt that way.

Grumbling*Girl · 11-12-2004, 02:47 AM

this is old stuff, but yet so NOT old to me......

YIKES

I'm married. And committed to it 100%. I wouldn't EVER cheat.

Anyone who does I hope is caught, beat, raped up the ass,
pissed on and left for dead..... Its WRONG. It violates and utterly disrespects everything a marriage vow is.

Grumbling*Girl · 11-12-2004, 02:48 AM

......and BTW sorry if that sounds too harsh.....
....... just expressing an opinion.....

Daoust · 11-12-2004, 05:12 AM

i have balls and stepped over the line - i should learn to read the rules first - go ahead ladies... throw knives

little_tippler · 11-12-2004, 05:43 AM

For me, I would never cheat. Even if the urge was strong and present, I would be upfront and let the other person know that it was over, and only then act on it. Sometimes it's just a crush, or a sign that something is wrong in your current relationship, an escpae, a no-strings tied thing. Personally I have never felt the kind of closeness with someone else that would even remotely bring me to consider cheating on the person I am with at the time. I have been cheated on and I think there is no excuse for it. Even so, at the time I was weak and didn't break it off. Things deteriorated rapidly from there, and now I see that to cheat or be cheated on is the worst betrayal...trust is broken, and the wound never fully heals. I would never do it.

sexymama · 11-13-2004, 11:02 AM

Pandabear, there is a big difference between cheating and looking -- even fantasizing. If you are tempted to cheat, you need (imho) to seek counseling and/or talk about it with your SO. And wiat to be out of the relationship before getting involved with another! Make a clean break (not a break overshadowed by "the other man.") If you are just looking, have fun! (Let's face it, men have looked and fantasized for years -- why can't we!?)

11-13-2004, 11:13 AM

Pandabear, please read my posts in the following thread and really take it to heart:

http://www.tfproject.org/tfp/showthread.php?t=72339

Averett · 11-13-2004, 11:54 AM

Just to point out, Pandabear was last active on 8-4-03... But this is still good advice for anyone

StormBerlin · 11-14-2004, 12:08 AM

I admit sometimes I wonder if I would get a thrill of having an affair on the man I consider my husband, but I don't think I could ever do it. I don't like casual sex and don't respect people that think it's ok to totally forfeit the commitment they made. Someone mentioned earlier something about "only with his permission" or something? Does that constitute as cheating then? I don't think I'm self confident enough to let my man have sex with another woman, even if I could sleep with another man. I would just feel weird about it.

08-01-2003, 05:22 PM	#1 (permalink)
Pandabear Upright	thinking of an affair? Has anyone of you married girls out there feel a closeness with someone else that you thought that you could easily have an affair? Just curious. What would you do?

08-01-2003, 05:31 PM	#3 (permalink)
collide Turn off your TV. Location: ... .- -. ..-. .-. .- -. -.-. .. ... -.-. --- --..-- -.-. .-	I'm not married, but I wouldn't advise having an affair if you care for the one whom you've married. At least, not without his consent first. __________________ "inhuman fiery goat worship" is an anagram for "information superhighway" -kingvolc

08-01-2003, 06:56 PM	#4 (permalink)
lurkette My future is coming on Moderator Emeritus Location: east of the sun and west of the moon	Of course I've felt attraction for and closeness to other people, but like Nikki just the thought of what it would do to my husband, and to my own self-respect, puts an end to that thought before it really has a chance to form. As far as I know we've always been faithful to each other and that's a track record I'm eager to keep. Once you cross that boundary, even if you do manage to stay together, there's no going back to the way things were before. __________________ "If ten million people believe a foolish thing, it is still a foolish thing." - Anatole France

08-06-2003, 06:29 PM	#9 (permalink)
darksparkles Insane Location: Seattle	yeah, i've felt an incredibly scary amount of closeness and attraction to people that aren't my boyfriend ... including around a week and a half ago when i went on my regular vacation and ran into my ex that i hadn't seen since the year before. i never acted on it, though, and i practically kicked my own ass just for having the thoughts. __________________ "I could be the walrus ... I'd still have to bum rides off people." -Ferris Bueller.

08-07-2003, 02:41 PM	#10 (permalink)
raeanna74 I'm not a blonde! I'm knot! I'm knot! I'm knot! Location: Upper Michigan	I have felt that closeness. In some cases you can just be grateful for that closeness and companionship. Sometimes it can be a stopgap or sounding board to help you work on your marriage or current relationship. If you would ever consider a real affair here's a site where you can find a lot of input from those who have been or are in affairs and how it has affected their lives. They will give you guidlines on how to set bounderies or warnings and reasons for not embarking on that kind of relationship. http://messageboards.ivillage.com/iv-rlmyaffair Whatever you do the fact that you have considered an affair is usually a sign that something is missing from your marriage. Think long and hard about what that is and see if you can't change things. On the other hand if you aren't married and the other person is I would suggest trying to find that closeness with someone else. They will never be able to give you what you need in a relationship if they are currently attached. Good Luck __________________ "Always learn the rules so that you can break them properly." Dalai Lama My Karma just ran over your Dogma.

08-01-2003, 05:31 PM	#2 (permalink)
Nikki ~~~~~~~ Location: Charleston, SC	Remind myself what it would feel like if someone fucked around on me. That swift kick in the ass would put a stop to that way of thinking.

08-01-2003, 06:57 PM	#5 (permalink)
Pandabear Upright	I am not saying you are going to have an affair. What I am saying is that you have the feelings of it...

08-01-2003, 07:00 PM	#6 (permalink)
Pandabear Upright	And then there are those where the attraction is lost to the person that you are with and you try so hard to make it work out. But there is someone else that seems they would better fit the need. I have so many friends that go through this...it's crazy. More people go through it than what actually should be. Just wondering.

08-02-2003, 03:44 PM	#7 (permalink)
yoshi Crazy Location: Jersey	First, if the attraction is lost between you two, then "both" of you have to work on it. Second, no matter how good the attraction feels, the grass is not always greener on the other side. And here's a question to think about.....how do you know this "lost attraction" won't happen again with someone else. Relationships are hard work everyday--but it's worth it.

08-28-2003, 07:28 PM	#11 (permalink)
Baileys Tilted Location: if you want to know, you'll ask	Been there, have the t-shirt. I always said I never would because I would be a wuss and tell on myself and then I would be worried about him leaving. Well. That was the first 10 years. Then our marriage just went to pot. Neither of us asked the other what was going on. I did mention that it would be nice to be communicating. But we didn't get far. I could have pushed it further, but I didn't want to. There was a message on the answering machine about flight arrangements. It was his friend. I asked what it was about and he said nothing. Now, mind you, we go on seperate vacations quite a bit. 5 days later, he tells me he is going to Vegas for a car race. Upon some grilling I found out this was planned a month ago, but he just go the okay from work. He was leaving the next day! I explained to him that he could have let me know earlier, especially when I asked him what the msg was about on the flight arrangements. After 15 minutes of him saying, but I just got the approval from work, it finally dawned on him (that it dawned on him or to finally give up) and he said that he should have said something sooner. I was SOOO pissed. Later that night I sent an encrypted msg to my ex boyfriend (the one before the guy I married). The next morning I woke up and thought 'OH SHIT! I SENT IT!' Anyway... hubby left at 3 p.m. and I was in the ex's arms by 8 pm. I felt strange being with someone else after 16 years, but that was about it. A week later I realized that life was just not worth it to keep living with someone that you did not love or communicate with and I left. I"ll be officially divorced in 2 weeks. I personally, cannot wait! __________________ Baileys

08-28-2003, 07:29 PM	#12 (permalink)
Baileys Tilted Location: if you want to know, you'll ask	Oh.. in other words... don't do it unless you are ready to leave. __________________ Baileys

08-30-2003, 09:52 AM	#13 (permalink)
mindy Upright	When I was married the first time, I would sometimes wonder what it would be like to be with someone else, then he did it to me. There is nothing like that pain when it happens to you. I have too much respect for who I am with now that I would never want him to hurt that way.

11-12-2004, 02:47 AM	#14 (permalink)
Grumbling*Girl Upright	this is old stuff, but yet so NOT old to me...... YIKES I'm married. And committed to it 100%. I wouldn't EVER cheat. Anyone who does I hope is caught, beat, raped up the ass, pissed on and left for dead..... Its WRONG. It violates and utterly disrespects everything a marriage vow is.

11-12-2004, 02:48 AM	#15 (permalink)
Grumbling*Girl Upright	......and BTW sorry if that sounds too harsh..... ....... just expressing an opinion.....

11-12-2004, 05:12 AM	#16 (permalink)
Daoust "I'm sorry. What was the question?" Location: Paradise Regained	i have balls and stepped over the line - i should learn to read the rules first - go ahead ladies... throw knives __________________ I have faith in a few things - divinity and grace But even when I'm on my knees I know the devil preys Last edited by Hanxter; 11-12-2004 at 07:00 AM..

11-12-2004, 05:43 AM	#17 (permalink)
little_tippler Leaning against the -Sun- Super Moderator Location: on the other side	For me, I would never cheat. Even if the urge was strong and present, I would be upfront and let the other person know that it was over, and only then act on it. Sometimes it's just a crush, or a sign that something is wrong in your current relationship, an escpae, a no-strings tied thing. Personally I have never felt the kind of closeness with someone else that would even remotely bring me to consider cheating on the person I am with at the time. I have been cheated on and I think there is no excuse for it. Even so, at the time I was weak and didn't break it off. Things deteriorated rapidly from there, and now I see that to cheat or be cheated on is the worst betrayal...trust is broken, and the wound never fully heals. I would never do it. __________________ Whether we write or speak or do but look We are ever unapparent. What we are Cannot be transfused into word or book. Our soul from us is infinitely far. However much we give our thoughts the will To be our soul and gesture it abroad, Our hearts are incommunicable still. In what we show ourselves we are ignored. The abyss from soul to soul cannot be bridged By any skill of thought or trick of seeming. Unto our very selves we are abridged When we would utter to our thought our being. We are our dreams of ourselves, souls by gleams, And each to each other dreams of others' dreams. Fernando Pessoa, 1918

11-13-2004, 11:02 AM	#18 (permalink)
sexymama My own person -- his by choice Location: Lebell's arms	Pandabear, there is a big difference between cheating and looking -- even fantasizing. If you are tempted to cheat, you need (imho) to seek counseling and/or talk about it with your SO. And wiat to be out of the relationship before getting involved with another! Make a clean break (not a break overshadowed by "the other man.") If you are just looking, have fun! (Let's face it, men have looked and fantasized for years -- why can't we!?) __________________ If you can go deeply into lovemaking, the ego disappears. That is the beauty of lovemaking, that it is another source of a glimpse of god It's not about being perfect; it's about developing some skill at managing imperfection.

11-13-2004, 11:13 AM	#19 (permalink)
:::OshnSoul::: Guest	Pandabear, please read my posts in the following thread and really take it to heart: http://www.tfproject.org/tfp/showthread.php?t=72339

11-13-2004, 11:54 AM	#20 (permalink)
Averett Is In Love Location: I'm workin' on it	Just to point out, Pandabear was last active on 8-4-03... But this is still good advice for anyone __________________ Absence is to love what wind is to fire. It extinguishes the small, it enkindles the great.

11-14-2004, 12:08 AM	#21 (permalink)
StormBerlin Happy as a hippo Location: Southern California	I admit sometimes I wonder if I would get a thrill of having an affair on the man I consider my husband, but I don't think I could ever do it. I don't like casual sex and don't respect people that think it's ok to totally forfeit the commitment they made. Someone mentioned earlier something about "only with his permission" or something? Does that constitute as cheating then? I don't think I'm self confident enough to let my man have sex with another woman, even if I could sleep with another man. I would just feel weird about it. __________________ "if anal sex could get a girl pregnant i'd be tits deep in child support" Arcane