genuinegirly

Please note that this is a Ladies Lounge thread.

Suggestions on living under the same roof as your mother in-law when she seems to despise you? Anyone?

Thanks in advance.

__________________
"Sometimes I have to remember that things are brought to me for a reason, either for my own lessons or for the benefit of others." Cynthetiq

"violence is no more or less real than non-violence." roachboy

*Nikki*

Good luck. I would kill my MIL if we lived under the same roof so I have no helpful suggestions.

777

genuinegirly

lol, yeah... that is pretty rediculous. Breathing is good. Somehow I always wake up happy-ish. Thanks for the advice.

How long? Our initial plan was to stay with Tt's family in SoCal until January, when we leave for grad school in Ohio. This is a temporary housing fix to allow me to spend time with my ill mother, who lives in the same town.

Reasons? They're offering free room and board. They see this as a time of transition and want to see us living someplace they consider safe. A generous offer that my husband feels obligated to follow up on.
Also of note- it appears to be a form of baptism by fire that every new member of the family must endure. My sister-in-law lived in this house two years after their wedding. She nearly went insane, but she made it through. Now that Mum no longer sees sis-in-law every day, she thinks she is the most wonderful woman alive. While sis-in-law lived here, Mum saw her as an overbearing hussy. Sis-in-law never did quite get her husband to understand why the living situation wasn't ideal.

At first glance, it seems difficult to find a place that is interested in renting to a couple for less than a year, especially one that is affordable in this affluent suburban community.
Today Mum said something threatening and seething in front of my husband. Now he actually understands why I've been telling him, "I think your mother hates me." Immediately after he got over the shock - "my mother is not an angel?" -We started looking into apartments and townhomes in the area with month-to-month contracts. Funny how these things pop up when you seem to need them.
-----Added 5/8/2008 at 03 : 17 : 07-----
heh. Great. Well, misery does love company. Any personal coping methods that you'd like to pass along? Perhaps something that doesn't involve alcohol?
-----Added 5/8/2008 at 03 : 18 : 02-----

Well, hey, at least I'm not alone. I don't want to kill her so much as don't want to destroy what could be a decent relationship.

__________________
"Sometimes I have to remember that things are brought to me for a reason, either for my own lessons or for the benefit of others." Cynthetiq

"violence is no more or less real than non-violence." roachboy

abaya

This is probably the hardest thing to do, but you can kill her with kindness. It takes energy and willpower, but in the end it's better than increasing the tension and having a knock-down, drag-out fight. I'm very much a confrontational person, but if I confronted my in-laws about all the things that I disagree with them about, it would be a very bad situation. One lucky thing for us is that we don't share a common language, lol. (It helps more than it hurts, really!)

Also, you and your husband should probably sit down and recognize that you are both each other's closest family now, and that you each have the priority over your own families, no matter what. You each deserve to know that the other person will have your back in any situation.

In the end, any conflict that you have with his family needs to be addressed by him, and with him supporting you... and vice versa, if he has problems with your family. I truly believe that the spouse should not have to ever confront the in-laws, since the actual son/daughter should be the one running interference and showing unconditional support for the spouse (barring abuse, cheating, etc).

__________________
And think not you can direct the course of Love;
for Love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course.
--Khalil Gibran

snowy

I take the grin-and-bear-it approach with my future MIL. She lives in the same town as we do, and so we have to see her/put up with her quite a bit. She is kind of an odd duck.

Fortunately for me my own mother does not care for my FMIL, and so I have her to vent to when my FMIL pisses me off. It makes it easier to grin and bear it. She's one of those people that wants to be in control of the situation at all times, even if it's not her situation to control, and she wants people to do exactly as she says. Unfortunately for her, I'm my own person. For instance, I recently graduated from university, and she was insistent on the fact that she wanted to throw me a graduation party. But given the circumstances of my graduation (2 years later than I was supposed to because of illness, and I'd already celebrated once with my family), I said no. When I tried to meet her halfway and invited her and my FFIL to brunch with us to celebrate, she "forgot" and didn't show up. She is pretty damn passive-aggressive, but I just grin and bear it--and then bitch to my mother. There really isn't much else I can do.

I would suggest finding someone close to you who is prepared to listen to your venting about your MIL. It helps--a lot.

__________________
If I am not better, at least I am different. --Jean-Jacques Rousseau

ngdawg

I know this wouldn't happen to any of you but let me give you an in-law nightmare that is happening now to my sister.
Her son married a girl who, at first meeting, seemed sweet. That all changed when they got engaged.
Her mother took over everything, right down to how this boy treated his own mother. They convinced him she was trash because she was single and had two boyfriends.
When my sister came into a good settlement with a former employer, she paid off bills and treated herself to a boobjob. The girl's reaction: That money should have gone to (the son) to help pay for the engagement ring.
My sister was supposed to pay for the rehearsal dinner. When the girl's mother did all the arrangements, my sister insisted that if she was to pay, she would do that and did. The mother then cancelled it all, saying there'd be no dinner, but then, behind my sister's back, took the wedding party to a restaurant. The girl and the son were then angry at my sister for not using the dinner money as a wedding gift.
At the wedding, the son read a long thankyou letter to the girl's parents; nothing was said to the mother that raised him alone for most of his life.
Now they are pregnant. When my sister asked her son "will I be part of my grandchild's life", he responded "I doubt it".
The mother in law has a key to the house; my sister isn't allowed to visit.
When my sister called one day, the mother in law answered, went off on her for being trash, then denied she was ever in the house at all and that my sister "must be crazy". The daughter later went off on my sister for "accusing" her mother of such a thing, but used almost word for word the same things her mother did.

Abaya has a good point: Kill her with kindness. Offer to help with things, ask her a sweetly toned "How was your day today?" Stay out of her way if she looks like she's in kill mode. This may not change her antics, but it will give her no ammo.

I too am the "blacksheep" in my spouse's family so I like to rub it in that I am the only in-law she has left(her other two adult kids divorced and moved into her house), plus I gave her her only granddaughter .
Remember this is not forever and soon your life will be your own again.

genuinegirly

Good thought. I've been analyzing that myself, but I'm pretty certain that is not the case. I have always liked and admired Tt's mother (Mum). I have only ever treated her with kindness. Unfortunately every time I speak to her when her son is not present results in a scathing, frustrated response. With every ounce of her being she tells me "get away from my house and my son" in not so many words. I was treated the same way when I would spend a day at their house when we were friends, even when we were engaged. I mistakenly assumed the behavior would end when we were married. It is more a matter of territory than anything, it seems. She is exceptionally protective of her 5 sons, and revels in the fact that she is the only substantial woman in their lives. When a wife steps into the picture, she does her darnedest to chase them away. This is how sis-in-law felt, this is how I feel.

This is the best advice that I have ever been given. We need to have a talk about this one.


Sounds like a good plan. My sister is pretty good at listening to me vent, seems to always get me laughing by the end of the conversation. I should make use of that skill.

ngdawg - what a terrible story. I feel for your sister - what a nightmare.

__________________
"Sometimes I have to remember that things are brought to me for a reason, either for my own lessons or for the benefit of others." Cynthetiq

"violence is no more or less real than non-violence." roachboy

abaya

From my experience, most moms feel that way about their sons--I think it's what creates a lot of the tension between moms-in-law and daughters-in-law in general. It's funny, because I always thought that my dad would be the more protective one of me--but he learned to let go pretty easily, once he saw that I was independent and self-sufficient. Mothers, on the other hand, seem to have the hardest time letting go--of their sons, in particular. I don't know why this is, really. Well, I hope this is helpful to you, and that your Tt is receptive to it as well. From what I have heard, it takes a few years for some spouses to realize that the marriage needs to be the priority, not the birth family. It's something I picked up along the way through TFP and some already-married friends, and also through counseling. It doesn't apply in many cultures, where the expected fidelity to one's birth family is more important than anything else (especially when marriage is mostly for financial reasons, more of a contract between families than anything related to "love") but for me and my marriage it's very important.

Oh, and having someone to vent to can be invaluable for getting through those trying times.

__________________
And think not you can direct the course of Love;
for Love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course.
--Khalil Gibran

amonkie

Wow... reading this thread, I feel incredibly lucky.

I have been living with my boyfriend, in his mother's house, since Dec 1 of last year - just a few days over 9 months. We are living together in her garden apartment, and I have actually had more issues with the boyfriend than with the psuedo MIL. We are both here as a transition place - My transition includes a personal journey which is now ultimately taking me away from my boyfriend, our relationship, and back on my own and in a different city.

While I have been here, I struggled to find a balance between "her" house and "my house. I love to make a space mine, yet my boyfriend was insistant that we leave her paintings, her trinkets, her wall decor etc etc etc up. FINALLY, after about 3-4 months, I was able to get compromise on this, and now we have a small sprinkling of this that make me recognize that I at least inhabit this space, in some way.

In this vein ... I will have to say that my boyfriend's MIL is probably one of the few on this planet that respects and acknowledges who I am - even so much to the point she has called me her daughter, and told me I am still part of the family even though that I need to go my own way. Part of it could just be time ... my MIL is 70.

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Calling from deep in the heart, from where the eyes can't see and the ears can't hear, from where the mountain trails end and only love can go... ~~~ Three Rivers Hare Krishna

ShaniFaye

Im in the lucky boat. Both my mother in laws have been great, my ex's mom still loves me so much she still introduces me as her daughter lol AND I lived with her for a total of 3 years, first year of marriage and 2 years while ex and I were building a house. We never had any issues at all.

I've never had to live with Dave's mom but if I did I have no doubt it would be great.

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I want the diabetic plan that comes with rollover carbs. I dont like the unused one expiring at midnite!!

annie1

I have never lived with my MIL and I DO get along with her and live on a different continent as her, but if I were to live with her I would try to set up a family meeting and be forward about your expectations as well as hers and try to set up some norms around the house. Knowing the expectations, whether they are reasonable or not, will help to know where theshe is coming from. Get the whole family involved so everyone is on the same page. Hope that helps!