Miss Mango

Did you ever think you might secretly be a lesbian or have fantasized more about a woman than a man?

I have never been with one, but i do think about one woman in particular a lot. Im not sure if I like her or not. im confused . Though i seem to like men..

Sage

Kinsey said that everyone is some sort of "in-between" when it comes to their sexuality. Kinsey Scale

It's totally normal to consider yourself mostly heterosexual and also have feelings for a woman... be them sexual or something more. I know that when I realized that I was about a 4 on the Kinsey scale instead of a 0 like I thought, it was a BIG suprise! However, I realize now that it's totally OK and I'm fine with where my sexuality chooses to express itself. Just give it some time and thought, and you'll figure out what's best for you!

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Gilda

Yes, I used to do that quite a bit. I've long since moved past the stage of wondering.

Same-sex attraction, even among people who identify as exclusively heterosexual and are such in practice, is perfectly normal and acceptable. Women in particular seem to have a more fluid sexuality and are far more likely to identify as bisexual than are men.

If you're attracted to men and enjoy sexual contact with men, you're not secretly a lesbian, but what you describe sounds like either bisexual or bi-curious.

It's also possible to feel affection or attraction to a particular person who isn't otherwise part of your primary attraction; it's even possible to fall in love with someone who isn't part of the group that forms your primary attraction. Again, I think this is more common among women than men, for whom sexuality seems to be hardwired at birth.

Gilda, a 5 on the Kinsey scale.

Oh, and if my wife and sister are any indication, there are some who aren't anywhere in between. Grace is a very solid 6, no current or past sexual attraction to men. Sissy is a very solid 0, with no current or past sexual attraction to women.

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maleficent

not even a little bit for me ...some women might be pretty to look at but after one conversation - pass thanks..

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hunnychile

Although I adore men and feel 99% hetero, I have played a few lesbo sex games with some fabulous girlfriends and it was terrific fun and a great release. When I want great climatic sex I have been more fullfilled by the men in my life and realize the other parts were just added interest and sexual experimentation.

It's all part of living and learning, I guess. Though - I admit that I love watching porn showing beautiful women and much prefer to see FFM than MMF. Watching guys have sex or kiss doesn't turn me on in the least bit.

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surferlove007

I dunno...I'm not apposed to trying things with another woman...but I would prefer it not be egged on by a man. I probably will eventually. Boobs are nice...have has sexual dreams about women although most of time they tend to be men. I wouldn't oppose trying stuff out...although James would probably kill me if I left him out of the mix while doing so.
Meh...when you're young you're curious.

*Nikki*

I don't consider myself to fall under any label.

I am sexually attracted to woman yet I would only have an actual relationship with a man. Sex with woman is great BUT I need my man as a constant in my life.

Amethyst

I think from a young age I kind of knew I was sexually attractied twoards other woman but have never acted on it. For me it has come and gone at differnent points in my life. I have always been with a man and I always will be.
Maybe someday I will get the chance to expierence the other who knows?

mx5me

A lot of my fantasies are about women, but all of my partners have been men and I can't imagine ever going without one (sexually). I'd like to have the experience of being with a woman, but I know, as much as you can know, that I will continue having relationships with men. I'm believe in the Kinsey scale for men and women, but men are more represssed.

This has always felt a little uncomfortable for me because I'm a die-hard tomboy in some ways. I'm a girl who likes to work on cars, is an engineer, into sports, doesn't want to get married and have kids, but I'm still feminine (cripes, I think! ). Actually, sometimes I laugh because I look at my life and I see every stupid "lesbian" stereotype fulfilled: I like Subarus, Indigo Girls, whatever, leave me alone! On a side note, I don't know why everything awesome gets correlated to being a lesbian, but I guess people must think all lesbians have great taste in things. Needless to say, I've been teased for such things, but I believe that it's the reflex of males who are intimidated by strong female equivalents to label their female counterparts as lesbians, perhaps to somehow make those females more male-like and less demasculinating to themselves in some way? And it seems that society at large has adopted this idea, and that makes me sad. Anyway, for whatever reason, I have times when I'm acutely aware of how others see me in this way, and it can be uncomfortable. It's amazing how others' views of you can make you question yourself, but I've had some good honest talks with myself, and I like dudes.

onodrim

As others have mentioned above, it's very common, for women especially, to have a degree of variance in their sexuality. As Gilda said, you can identify yourself as "exclusively heterosexual," and still entertain erotic thoughts about women. Don't worry what others may see you as, if you are happy and at peace with who you are, then that's all the really matters.

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shoegirl

Am I attracted to women from time to time - sure. Not often, but I won't deny it when it's there. But, I don't think that I've ever thought I was a lesbian because of any fantasy I've had about women - I think it just means that I've been curious at different points in my life. I know my feelings on men and I could never give them up. That said, I agree with Onodrim, as long as you're happy with it, I don't think it matters who you're attracted to.

amonkie

I've been hit on before, by women - flirting and compliments are flattering if sincere, no matter who they're from

In day to day real life ... sometimes can't say without the experience - but am I really trying to seek out the experience in the first place? not sure.

I'm attracted to people - so far sexual arousal and attraction has always been from guys. Who knows what the future brings.

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Gilda

It's a shame that girls and woman who engage in what used to be typically masculine pursuits often get the label, and nearly always inaccurately. A visible minority of lesbians to actively take on masculine gender roles, but the idea that any woman who does this is a lesbian or is exhibiting homosexual tendencies is ridiculous. Correlations don't work that way when you're looking at populations with such a huge difference in size.

What you're talking about are gender roles, and to a lesser degree, gender presentation, which exist separate from orientation, and exist at a higher level of human sexuality than orientation. Gender roles are more easily influenced than orientation, can be freely chosen, and are not highly correlated to orientation.

On the other end of the scale from you--masculine profession and interest in sports and other typically masculine pursuits, while still heterosexual--there are lesbians like me, girly-girls with a typically feminine manner of presentation, profession, no interest in contact sports (but plenty in artistic sports) or cars, etc.

People who don't know me tend to assume I'm straight. It is a little annoying to get labeled like that.

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mx5me

I don't blame you. I hope I was clear in what I wrote, and didn't come across as saying that I took such labels as an insult. What I meant to say was that it bothers me greatly that people make assumptions about me, you, and anyone else based on what we like or do. I could not care less about what someone thinks about my sexuality (it's none of anyone's damn business anyway if I don't want it to be), only that they think those things based on completely irrelevant data. It's suffocating when you feel like you can't just be yourself without constant judgment by irrelevant people. On the brighter side, I've always found it fun to stomp on people's preconceived notions.

abaya

Interesting, I often feel the same way (except that I am married and will have kids in the future). I've always been a tomboy, very difficult for me to be "feminine," and I love Subarus and Indigo Girls. No one has ever called me a lesbian, though when I was single from age 19-24 my mother starting wondering aloud if I was gay (of all people!).

I'd say I'm bi-curious, since I've definitely fantasized about women but have never had the chance to follow through on that (I don't even grind on women in clubs... I think it's kind of distasteful, since most of them are doing it for attention from guys). It may happen in the future, it may not... either way, it's not a huge crusher for my life. I'm happy with my husband, and simultaneously curious about what it'd be like to experience a woman. But I'm not driven to it, I guess... mostly because I've only really fantasized about two women in particular, over a period of about 5 years. And I enjoy some lesbian porn.

I will say, though, that when I first thought about kissing a girl (5 years ago), I was still a virgin in every sense of the word... and I was really concerned about what that "meant" for me. Did it mean that I was a lesbian? Did it mean I might never have or enjoy sex with a man? I thought about that for a good couple of years before realizing that I still really like men (and sex with them!), but that the occasional woman somehow just turns me on. No understanding of why, but that's just the way I am.

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And think not you can direct the course of Love;
for Love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course.
--Khalil Gibran

Gilda

I wasn't offended, and you were clear in what you wrote. It's a serious complaint in a small way, but there's also a little bit of humor intended there. I like to poke fun at homophobes who seem paranoid about being seen as gay by turning their arguments around and being mock-offended at being considered straight.

Please note, I wasn't calling you a homophobe. You seem like a pretty cool person. I just have such a limited sense of humor that I tend to repeat what few jokes I do know.

And here's a nice story for the straight tomboys out there.

And a song:

I won't forget when Peter Pan came to my house, took my hand
I said I was a boy; I'm glad he didn't check.
I learned to fly, I learned to fight
I lived a whole life in one night
We saved each other's lives out on the pirate's deck.
And I remember that night
When I'm leaving a late night with some friends
And I hear somebody tell me it's not safe, someone should help me
I need to find a nice man to walk me home.
When I was a boy, I scared the pants off of my mom,
Climbed what I could climb upon
And I don't know how I survived,
I guess I knew the tricks that all boys knew.
And you can walk me home, but I was a boy, too.

I was a kid that you would like, just a small boy on her bike
Riding topless, yeah, I never cared who saw.
My neighbor come outside to say, "Get your shirt,"
I said "No way, it's the last time I'm not breaking any law."
And now I'm in a clothing store, and the sign says less is more
More that's tight means more to see, more for them, not more for me
That can't help me climb a tree in ten seconds flat

When I was a boy, see that picture? That was me
Grass-stained shirt and dusty knees
And I know things have gotta change,
They got pills to sell, they've got implants to put in, they've got implants to remove
But I am not forgetting
That I was a boy too

And like the woods where I would creep, it's a secret I can keep
Except when I'm tired, except when I'm being caught off guard
I've had a lonesome awful day, the conversation finds its way
To catching fire-flies out in the backyard.
And I tell the man I'm with about the other life I lived
And I say now you're top gun, I have lost and you have won
And he says, "Oh no, no, can't you see
When I was a girl, my mom and I we always talked
And I picked flowers everywhere that I walked.
And I could always cry, now even when I'm alone I seldom do
And I have lost some kindness
But I was a girl too.
And you were just like me, and I was just like you.

Dar Williams, "When I Was a Boy"

By the way, liking the Indigo Girls isn't enough to make you a lesbian. If, however, Dar Williams, Ani Difranco, and Emmylou Harris are all on your frequent play list as well, there may be reason to start asking yourself some serious questions.

__________________
I'm against ending blackness. I believe that everyone has a right to be black, it's a choice, and I support that.

~Steven Colbert

mx5me

Um, Ani Difranco is my all-time favorite. Damn, I'm not giving her up, so... I like the Dar Williams story a lot, thanks for that.

I know what you mean, Abaya. I find myself in nearly the same situation, except for the marriage part.

Sweetpea

It never ceases to amaze me just how much you bring to this community Gilda. Thank you for always sharing so candidly.

As to the topic, I'm bisexual and have acted on it in the past and enjoyed the experiences with women. I enjoy sex with my husband now just as much though. I'm a 4 on the Kinsey scale.

For some women, I think they tend to go through the curious phase, we seem wired to question our sexuality a little more than men *seem* to be. I'm glad to see people opening themselves up to a discussion within themselves about their sexuality. I think, in general, at least where I live, people are becoming a lot more honest and forthcoming about same sex attraction.

sweetpea

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Janey

I have been very curious and involved at different points in my life. I have no problem with this, and do enjoy a 'bi' perpsective. My hubby doesn't know of my previous experiments tho, and he is fairly conservative.

cadre

Well, I'm probably a 2 or a 3 on the Kinsey scale. I've thought about it alot in the past and I came to the decision that I'm between bicurious and bisexual because I've had some but very little experience with women. I enjoy males way too much to give them up and my current boyfriend is definately not someone I would ever trade. I do however have almost all female only porn and I think this is partly because I have access to my boyfriend all time so I don't need anything with males.

And also, I'm alot like mx5me. I've always thought I'm more of a guy than a girl but I'm okay with that. I ride and race cars and motorcycles, I love to work on them, I used to work at a car parts place and all that fun stuff. That and I have a dirty mind and a dirty sense of humor. Needless to say I relate to guys very very well and yeah every so often someone would question my sexuality it never bothered me. Infact that tomboy streak in me is how I met my boyfriend and alot of my other close friends.

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abaya

... funny you should mention that, I have always gotten along much better with guys than girls (in terms of feeling comfortable socially, making conversation, sense of humor, etc). As a tomboy, I've never been good at all the social niceties that girls are "supposed" to be good at... I'd rather play rough and tumble.

But being a tomboy actually put me more in a "friend zone" to guys, you might say, when really I still found myself attracted to them... which was annoying. I wanted to be comfortable and be myself, as well as fall in love with the guys I felt comfortable with... but it always seemed like guys wanted someone who was more feminine and girly and flirty. I suppose if I had ever given women a try, maybe I wouldn't have felt that kind of pressure. Who knows.

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And think not you can direct the course of Love;
for Love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course.
--Khalil Gibran

Lizra

I tryed it out, and found it to be incredibly boring.....

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cadre

I know what you mean, I've had that happen to me a couple times. Recently I've grown into a more girly type of tomboy so it seems like I have a nice balance between the two. It also depends alot on the men. I had friends who I helped get with women who were totally different than me but there are guys like my boyfriend who don't go for the overtly girly type.

There's still definately a difference in conversations with women versus men. I find that I alienate some women when I start going off about my hobbies and such because alot of them don't know what I'm talking about where as more guys do and most of them think it's pretty cool.

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Proxybabe

i think that experimentation is completely normal, and if your the type of girl to think about other girls, then i dont think there is any way to really get over it until you've had a girl on girl experience. I myself am openly bisexual, i think being female helps me connect more with women, but men can be a lot of fun. Sometimes its good to be able to have the best of two worlds!

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PrettyPoison

I'm not normally attracted to women, so years ago, when I worked in a retail store, my boss (female) was really hitting on me, this got me thinking, hmmmmmm, lol...I eventually became very attracted to the "thought" of being with her, if even for one night, but it never happened, she got transferred, wanted me to go with her, but I didn't......I think we all have "thoughts" of being with a women, even if we are not technically a lesbian......yes???

lurkette

I'm openly bi and frankly, feel a little guilty about it. I have a husband, which confers upon me a certain social respectability, and I have a girlfriend, so I get to have sex with men AND women. I guess I shouldn't look a gift horse yadda yadda, but it just seems too easy and fun and not like the trials and struggles most gay/lesbian couples have to go through for rights and respectability. If we were openly poly (which we are to many of our friends) it would be a different story, and the minute we attempted to "formalize" anything among the three of us, we'd have to deal with all the same legal issues - medical powers of attorney, insurance coverage, sharing property, etc.

I digress.

When I first started having sex with a woman, I did worry that maybe I'd been a lesbian all along and just happened to fall for a man because he was there, he was my best friend, and it was expected. I am attracted to men, and especially to ratbastid, but I'm very powerfully attracted to women as well. I'm happy with my sexuality, and as long as both of my partners feel loved and attended to, I don't see the point in trying to define where I fall on the scale.

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yelizaveta

i find a woman's body much more stimulating as a visual than a man's, but i really love penises, and i still consider myself straight. I've never really given it too much thought and it doesn't bother me, it's just my personal preferences. I wouldn't mind sex with another beautiful woman, but would never be in a relationship with one because i can't go without a penis.

SiN

nah.


i've never tried to strictly pin myself down to a particular label.
I love men and choose them for relationships and general sexual gratification.
I can't imagine (at least have not come across yet.. ) getting that from a woman.
simply because i love the penetration (cock, not any random substitute..) and women are .. can't see myself wanting one in that fashion.

however... i'd say a fair bit over 50% of my sexual fantasies involve some sort of MFF-ish action.

probably all that means is i've an itchy itch.

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chick

I think women a very attractive, actually when I watch a porn I'd rathed watch two women than a man and a woman. I have had a woman eat my pussy before with my bf but I have never done a woman before. I always find myself checking females out, looking at their ass and tits but I do currently have a bf so I don't know maybe I do have lesbian tendousies.

silvrdark

So much of what everyone is saying echos what I have experienced. I have always considered myself to be more attracted to men than women... and am currently in a happy relationship with a man. Nevertheless I find the female body much more interesting, and I have had fantasies about women. YET still.. I don't think I could go without the penis.

Why is this? Most of my pleasure/enjoyment doesn't come from penetration. I think I'm more psychologically attracted to penises than anything else.

Could this be because society has trained us to think of vaginal intercourse as "the" sex?

abaya

I know I already responded to this thread, but 10 months later, I'm just going to add that I almost exclusively think about females (usually with strap-ons!) when my husband is going down on me... and this is totally normal for us. He and I have talked about it, and he feels absolutely no discomfort with this at all, which makes me feel very loved and affirmed.

We both fantasize a lot more when we're going down on each other, for whatever reason... so for me, that's when my bi-curiosity kicks in. I very rarely fantasize about men... just women doing me with strap-ons! What does that mean? I don't really know, and don't really care... as long as it gets me off.

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And think not you can direct the course of Love;
for Love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course.
--Khalil Gibran

jewels

I did some experimenting when I was about 13 - 14 and I'm definitely heterosexual. But I have this theory I'll attempt to explain ...

All women are curious about other women, in one way or another. We've all heard that it's not men we dress for, but other women. You've probably heard men say that they love how beautiful we are without makeup or the latest fashion. So why do we have to dress just so and wear the makeup?

Women, unlike men, don't have to be gay to see another woman and admit that she's gorgeous or has a stunning physique. We hear boys talking about sex and conquests from our early teens.

We begin, at a young age, to think of one another as sexual objects, perhaps even competition. We're always sizing up other women and commenting on their looks. And the more we become in touch with our own sexuality we begin to compare ourselves to other women, especially if any of our men have told us details about what satisfied their other women.

We start thinking along the lines of I wonder how that could have felt good to her when I prefer it this way which might slowly progress into something like I wonder if she touched me, she would know how to do this without coaching and so the thoughts are in motion.

These are just a couple of thoughts that float through my head. Yes, I do have a fantasy involving a woman, but I was much happier keeping it as a fantasy, describing the scenario to my guy because he loved to hear me talk about it in bed.

Sometimes, fantasy is better than reality. But if anyone feels unsettled, as though they may be missing something, there's only one way to find out, right?

One more quick thought -- You can't pick what religion, nationality or race you'll fall in love with. Who says you get to choose the sex of the one you fall for?

savmesom11

I am in your boat, never do I fantisize about men, only women, and sometimes more than one at a time. I can't even enjoy porn that isn't girl on girl. My guy seems a tad concerned that one day I will "switch sides" on him but for me it is purely a fantasy that does not need to become reality. I am almost certain reality could never compare to my visuals. Woman are beautiful, sensual, sexy, etc. So why not appreciate them?

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abaya

Yes, lately I have been venturing into the multiple-women fantasies... and that gets me going quite a bit (especially if everyone has strap-ons). I do like hard-core hetero porn, but usually only the in-and-out close-ups. I don't really want to see men and women making out, kissing, etc... but when 2+ girls are doing that onscreen and it looks real, I am all into that.

I've asked my husband if it bothers him that I fantasize about other women so much, but he's just totally normal about it. He is the one who has taught me that fantasies can be just fantasies, so he's glad that I'm simply exploring that side of myself, mentally. He knows that if there was an opportunity, I would like to experiment with a woman, but we're pretty respectful of the reality of that situation and it would only happen if we were both 100% comfortable with it.

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And think not you can direct the course of Love;
for Love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course.
--Khalil Gibran

Jenna

Exactly what's happening to me. Although I don't mind watching a threesome with one male and two women...

And again, that's what I enjoy too!

Honestly, if I were to break up with my boyfriend, I think I'd only date women, at least for awhile. I've had sex with another woman in front of my guy, and it turned out ok. There were some problems, but he knows that I love him, honestly, it's all about the person. I don't really see a boundary of men and women like most do.

Taja

I’m not exactly sure how to label this…. I’m bisexual, with “sexual” being the keyword.

I'm quite clear on my desires, no confustion with them. I’m sexual and intimate with both men and woman. My preference leans towards pleasing women, but being pleased by men.

As relationships go, I’m happily married and prefer a relationship with a man. Yet, I wouldn’t be intimate with a woman that I didn’t have some kind of close relationship with.

And as far as porn… I’m all over the board! It truly depends on my mood. But if I really had to think about it, I would say that my “viewing pleasure” slightly leans towards women. And my most constant preference is multiples. Honestly, throw in a few men, a few women and I’m enjoying it!

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starburst

My feelings for intimacy with a woman have greatly intensified in recent months. In public I find myself closely scrutinizing pretty women and their bodies. I have never had sex with a woman, but have a deep desire to experience it.

I am married, but have not revealed this strong desire to my husband. I hope I am strong enough to resist my yearnings, unless he consents. I have serious doubts that he would ever agree; possibly only in a threesome, which I would not want.

I would want her all to myself and likewise give myself completely to her. I would want an emotional and caring attachment, not just sex. To bring her into bed with my husband and me would be using her, as nothing more than a sex toy you take out of the night table.

I fantasize so often about a woman taking me by the hand to her bedroom, undressing me and ravishing my body with kisses.

Beyond_Borders

Absolutly. I think everyone does.

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mandy

I dont think i'm a lesbian, but i do have fantasies about women, well, one woman in particular who is a lesbian...or maybe i'm just attracted to her cos of the idea and because i think it's extremely extremely hot sexy fuckin' horny making as hell!

i want her to be my threesome partner...we flirt with eachother and she drops hints like real real hints like they really cant be mistaken for anything else...and i so badly want to act on them.

i so much want to have a lesbian experience!

i dont think the want is so strong to the point where i imagine her when i'm with Healer or anything like that...I just want her real bad.

i dont know if any of what i said even makes any sense LOL

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abaya

Don't worry, Mandy, it makes perfect sense. I went through a long period of fantasizing about one particular woman like that, although she was religious and there was no way I would EVER have been able to approach her about such a thing... not to mention I echo starburst's recent post that it's not so much about a threesome that I want, it's the 1 on 1 contact with a female, no male involved. But that doesn't really work within marriage... and I don't know if I could handle the emotional intricacies of the whole thing... so it remains on the back burner of the stove for now.

Anyway, my formerly lesbian-esque fantasies have recently shifted to lusting after my male professors, go figure.

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And think not you can direct the course of Love;
for Love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course.
--Khalil Gibran