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Old 01-12-2007, 12:32 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Friendships with Men: Getting "Replaced"

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Old 01-12-2007, 02:42 AM   #2 (permalink)
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This reminds me of one of my own posts, although from a sort of reversed perspective: http://www.tfproject.org/tfp/showthread.php?t=102745
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Old 01-13-2007, 05:41 PM   #3 (permalink)
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You wait. You wait for him to have the time for you again.

I went through this too, as my best friend is a guy. And through the years we both kinda drifted away from each other here & there, but we made it. We did, in the end, keep in touch enough to keep a friendship going for 20 years, although instead of me talking to him & planning nights out, or wishing a merry christmas, it's mostly me talking to his wife.
We still get together a few times a year, (him & his wife, me & my husband) and I'd say the wait was worth it. I still know, if something horrid happened to me, I could call him at 1am in tears & he'd come over with coffee.

I guess guys go through this with their friends as well. I know why they complain that so-and-so is too busy with his woman for his friends.
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Old 01-13-2007, 11:59 PM   #4 (permalink)
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I can relate to this in a way.
Well I was friends with this girl in my dorm who introduced me to JS when we were all hanging out at the beginning of the semester. We'd all chill in a group like going to the movies etc. Well she basically told each of us upfront not to be interested in the other...obviously propelling us more toward eachother. Well as soon as he and I are together she hates my guts. I did the right damn thing though, I told her in person that he and I were together yes I did wait a little while because I wasn't sure it would take right off the bat and would feel stupid saying so if it didn't work out...well it did and I said so damnit, I did the right thing. Yes if you can't tell...there is still quite a bit of animosity toward this girl. She says its my fault that the group dynamic has changed and therefore I'm an evil person who must not exist on this planet. I honestly think she has no credible reason to hate me. I've been told that its possible she hates me because I'm involved with one of her good friends...brewing jealousy but still why would she be so unhappy about him dating someone new...I dunno. You'd think she'd be happy for us enjoying each other...

Maybe it is my fault that she and him don't hang out as much as they did before I was there...but they still do talk and hang out. I think it depends on the guy...if he is someone who spends every waking hour with their special person then yea the priorities will most likely shift for time being.
JS and I spend alot of time together but I know he spends time with her too.
To be honest it pisses me off that shes such a "very not nice" person to me with no credible explanation for it other than to just be mean and hurtful. I honestly have tried my best to get along with her, but nothing helps. I even told her when her fly was down...I could of just let it go but no I did the right thing, and does it matter...no. She's lucky my mother taught me more manners than hers...I keep alot of this bottled up inside because I don't like talking about it to people at school as it would be spreading rumors and nasty comments about others, which she has done to me since I started dating JS...but I'm above it. I don't believe my presence has changed their relationship too much, but her hate toward me does make me mad.

But what can I do without starting world war 3? Another thing I decided was that I would not put JS in the middle of our feud (She and I's). However I do notice when we hangout in a group setting she's completely rude to me and I am not going to put up with it this semester...if she slams the door in my face one more time I just might go off on her. I was so distraught over this girl I brokedown in the car and just bawled over it because she made hanging out with everyone awkward and uncomfortable for me, not to mention completely excluded and unwanted. I'm not afraid of her because I know I could handle myself. I believe that girl friends of guys have no right to be rude to the girls they're involved with. Obviously their friend is happy with this girl, why can they not respect that and not treat her poorly because she found a spot in his life. We've all hung out together and when she and I are in the same room it just doesn't work. I told JS I'd be civil toward her and in my opinion I have, I see her in the hall and I smile and say hi. She just ignores me or makes a face. I believe I am as civil as one could be in this situation. She has made it to the point that we all pretty much don't hang out in a large group anymore, atleast if shes there I'm not invited usually. Which does hurt my feelings a good bit. Why are girl pals so opposed to hanging out with their guy friend and the girl they're involved with.
So what if you're jealous, you need to understand that time priorities among people change when they meet and become involved with others. Sure it probably hurts that your friendship is in a lull, but everything changes, usually friendships will always be there if they're the real deal. It most likely won't last forever, him being with her... but when he's happy just let him be, if he's really you're friend he'll come around and give you time. Or just let him know, say hey I miss you, you're a good friend to me and I feel like you've been absent.
Just a different perspective from a girl who is hated by her guys girl pals...
We notice this stuff too. We're not oblivious in the least. But if you were involved with someone and they spent almost 75% of their spare time with their girl pals...how would you feel? Personally, I'm fine with time on my own but I do like my individual time with JS. I don't want to spend 100% of everyday together, but I do feel the right to a chunk of his time due to our relationship.

Hope this helps.

Last edited by surferlove007; 01-14-2007 at 12:12 AM..
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Old 01-14-2007, 01:40 AM   #5 (permalink)
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It doesn't necessarily always go back to how it was. One of my best friends that I made while I was in high school isn't "allowed" to talk to me anymore. It's been almost three years. He's still with the girl who wouldn't allow it. I'd never done anything wrong to her, and we'd gotten along fine the two times we'd met. This guy was my best friend. He'd been there for me when my parents kicked me out. He was the only one who'd actually tried to keep in touch with me when they shipped me off to live with cousins in Utah. I'd been there for him for his family's stuff, his girlfriend stuff, etc.
At one point she finally "agreed" to let us talk, but only if we had a chaperone. Apparently when a guy has a girlfriend, it's unloyal of him to spend any time with any other girl, regardless of the relationship. Now, I'd never heard that nonsense before, but she got online one day to chat with me and was adamant that he and I not see each other unless she was there or another friend, who she chose. It was okay, however, for her to go out with her guy friends.

I'm not saying there's no hope, I'm just saying that you shouldn't get your hopes up too high. The higher they are, the harder they fall.

Sorry to be the pessimist in the group...
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Old 01-14-2007, 02:26 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Old 01-14-2007, 07:21 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Yes, he is still with her. I'm happy that he's happy, but I miss my friend. And I can't help but feel a bit wronged. Life happens, I guess.
As I was thinking about my situation with my friend last night, I forgot to mention that at one point she had a friend come home from the military, who she was close to, as I was with D. She wanted to go talk to him without D, who promptly attempted to put her in his shoes and set things straight. What came out of it? He's allowed to chat with me in AIM. wow. She relaxed for a while but he and I never got to actually meet up and talk. As far as I know she's back to how it was before.

I've seen him twice since then that I can recall. Once was at his birthday, when there was a large group of people, and she made it a point to stay between the two of us, and once when I had my son, when he came to visit me with his best friend (who's also a very good friend of mine- like a brother).

From my point of view, if you really care about someone, why would you demand they leave one of their best friends behind? Especially when this friend has gone out of their way to help you...
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Old 01-14-2007, 01:21 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Aww hun I'm sure everything will be ok, I cannot understand why this girl is so jealous of your man having lady friends. That seems so ridiculous to me. Is she that insecure about their relationship? Sounds like a double standard that she breaks...seems like your guy friend is attached to a ball and chain.
Sorry about all this mess my dear, just stay strong *hug*
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Old 01-14-2007, 02:41 PM   #9 (permalink)
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haha I don't even really notice it anymore, and I occasionally chat with him, so *shrug*.

I really hate being the pessimist in the group. Just don't want settie hearing everything good about it and then have it not happen. Hopefully her friend comes around.


Although, settie... why doesn't he ever want you to meet his girlfriends? Something sounds off if he doesn't want his best friend meeting his girlfriends. You know, they may be asking to meet you... you never know.
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Old 01-14-2007, 04:25 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Old 01-14-2007, 04:43 PM   #11 (permalink)
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I'm just wondering why a best friend wouldn't want to share that he found a new girlfriend who he's really excited about... my best friends hear about my SOs... *shrug* That's probably just a dynamic in your relationship, so it's cool if it works for you.

I'd just try talking to him and see what's up. Just like GG said.
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Old 01-15-2007, 08:15 AM   #12 (permalink)
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I think you're his little secret - that he's scared, or embarrassed, or unwilling to share. I couldn't say why, though I can make a few guesses.

His new girlfriend has already indicated in some way or another that she doesn't like him to hang out with "girl" friends, or have friends who are exes. You may not be an ex but you are a girl. So maybe he's afraid of her reaction to his having a female best friend. I'm not sure but I don't think it's the norm - please correct me if I'm wrong.

The other possibility is that deep down, he has some feelings for you, but is unwilling to admit it. So he shuts you out to try and fully live this new relationship.

Or, he could be like a lot of girls I know, who when they enter into a new relationship are so absorbed by the wonder of everything they completely neglect everything else. They usually come back some time later, when the glowing phase has passed.

I don't think there's much you can do except wait and get on with your life. And also you can hold it against him...or not. One thing though - if you meddle in his relationship with her now, when he's still in the first stages of love, he will probably never forgive you for it.
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We are ever unapparent. What we are
Cannot be transfused into word or book.
Our soul from us is infinitely far.
However much we give our thoughts the will
To be our soul and gesture it abroad,
Our hearts are incommunicable still.
In what we show ourselves we are ignored.
The abyss from soul to soul cannot be bridged
By any skill of thought or trick of seeming.
Unto our very selves we are abridged
When we would utter to our thought our being.
We are our dreams of ourselves, souls by gleams,
And each to each other dreams of others' dreams.


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Old 01-15-2007, 11:01 AM   #13 (permalink)
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I have to say that to me, it sounds like you are (or have been moved to) poop-scooper friend. The good ole' standby who can be depended on to listen to the whining, and then when things are fun and fine, he has no time for you. The fact that he only seems to talk to you when things are not good between them is a bit of a flag.

I have friends like this, I call them "Bad-weather friends", opposite of "Fair-weather friends". Mine are mostly girls, but yeah. I get really sick of being the support system, dispensing the great advice, but not the person they just go out to the movies with or whatever. Basically, they're takers. I'm a giver--but I'm not a one-way street anymore. I'd suggest you do the same thing.

On the less-drastic side, realize that the infatuation stage can be really strong, and just hold friends with an open hand. They come, they go, sometimes they come back.
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Old 01-15-2007, 11:32 AM   #14 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Sultana
and just hold friends with an open hand. They come, they go, sometimes they come back.

Sultana, do you mind if I quote you on this? Pretty wise.
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Old 01-15-2007, 01:04 PM   #15 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by sillygirl
Sultana, do you mind if I quote you on this? Pretty wise.
Sure, if I can quote your signature!
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Old 01-15-2007, 01:08 PM   #16 (permalink)
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Go for it.
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Old 01-15-2007, 10:00 PM   #17 (permalink)
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I'd have to agree with Sultana on the subject here... having gone through my own ups and downs with "bad weather" friends lately and deciding to weed them out.

I know you love your friend, but you have to realize that what he's doing isn't nice even if it's unintentional. You should talk to him about it and if things progress it should be pretty clear what you do with yourself. As the youngest of four and the only girl, I maintain close relationships with my two next younger brothers and the youngest dumps shit on me all the time. I'm his "bad weather", which isn't fair. I've stopped relying on him for anything because I know when it comes between me and his g/f that she's going to win.

Thems the breaks honey, sometimes you have to let friends drift. If you really care about this guy the way you say you do then you should let him drift and maybe someday he'll come back. Fighting it won't help you do anything but hurt yourself and drive him away. Friendships are like waves sometimes and other times you get stuck in low tides. You can ride the waves as they come which really sucks. Or you can walk the beach and try to find someone who will make time for you despite their relationship status.

It's a hard balance but real friends find a way to strike it. You're at an age where you don't hang out with the same person night after night (I hope), and your friends should still be able to make time to be with you sometimes. However, if you haven't reached the point where you're hanging out with different people and doing different things every night maybe it's time to find some other things to do. The hardest part of growing up is branching out and that's something I've learned in the past couple years.
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Old 01-16-2007, 04:33 AM   #18 (permalink)
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I'm usually a demanding person in relation to the kind of friendshipI expect from others. But my experience in my life with my closest friends has taught me a little bit more about this.

I'm demanding with the way I'm treated and the kind of respect I get, but I try to not measure their consideration of me by the amount of time we are in touch.

Most of my closest friends from childhood moved away to other countries when we finished school, and contact with some has become less frequent than it was. There are also phases when there is increased contact and then others when it is less so. But at no point did I doubt their friendship or the closeness of our bond. Because I knew how they felt, because we have always talked openly about that. I regularly tell my close friends how important they are to me, and they do the same in return. So we feel "secure" if you will. We know that sometimes one of us is busy and has a lot to deal with, or is going through a more isolated phase, and we just wait it out. We always come back.

I also have made friends since then, who keep in touch less but are still in the same country as me, or city. I still really like them and if they call me, I'm going to meet up with them if I can. And I've never regretted doing that because every time I meet them again it's like old times and I am reassured that they are still my friend and still think of me.

I understand what you girls are saying about one way relationships, but I think nowadays it's pretty easy to neglect relationships because our lives are so hectic. I try not to be too harsh and give people the benefit of doubt - especially if they are/have been important in my life before.
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Whether we write or speak or do but look
We are ever unapparent. What we are
Cannot be transfused into word or book.
Our soul from us is infinitely far.
However much we give our thoughts the will
To be our soul and gesture it abroad,
Our hearts are incommunicable still.
In what we show ourselves we are ignored.
The abyss from soul to soul cannot be bridged
By any skill of thought or trick of seeming.
Unto our very selves we are abridged
When we would utter to our thought our being.
We are our dreams of ourselves, souls by gleams,
And each to each other dreams of others' dreams.


Fernando Pessoa, 1918
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Old 01-19-2007, 07:29 AM   #19 (permalink)
 
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I've gone through this once in a severe manner (HS/early college), where I was downgraded from best friend to accessory over a long period of time... at the time I thought it was tolerable, but looking back I see that I didn't have enough self-respect to just walk away from the situation. After it got really bad, I pretty much dropped the guy as a friend. I wish I had never given him that much time in the first place... wasn't worth it, in the long run, though it sure seemed like it at the time.

I went through it again, though less severely... near the end of college, where I didn't become an "accessory" but was definitely downgraded. That time, I knew it would be wrong of me to interfere with his new relationship, so I kept my distance until it stabilized and he was ready to be a friend again. I wasn't hurt or offended that time, perhaps due to my increased maturity and lack of emotional investment/expectation the second time around, and we are still friends to this day. Granted, we don't talk on the same level that we used to, but I think that's a good thing. People change.

After that last one, though, I decided to stop being "best friends" with guys (or anyone, really) unless it was a person who was just as committed to spending as much time and interest on me as I was on him. Which I knew would only really happen with a husband. So, here I am, married to my best friend... and I know I'll never get "replaced" in this situation.
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Old 01-22-2007, 08:56 PM   #20 (permalink)
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I may be kinda a bitch for saying this, but it's kinda a fact of life...

I think for the most part, men can only really focus on one woman, naturally, when he's in a relationship, that woman should be his wife/gf.

It's really nothing personal on his part. I dunno. just how it is.
one of those things you have to accept if you're going to be good friends with the opposite sex.
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Old 01-22-2007, 09:41 PM   #21 (permalink)
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