genuinegirly

Do women discuss sex? I really haven't run into too many women who are comfortable discussing it in person. I mention it every now and again (how can this not come up in discussion?) and receive mixed responses. Some women clam up, and the conversation is directed elsewhere. Some become incredibly uncomfortable, but discuss it anyway. Others seem too motivated to discuss it - the floodgates open and I learn far more than I expected about their personal lives. I don't understand why women don't discuss sex in a rational way.

So... I bring this confusion to the TFP. To the LL where we are all pretty comfortable speaking about sensitive topics. I figure I can get all of my questions out there without any of the akwardness.

I was reading the thread about importance of sex in a relationship, and it got me thinking: just how often do women have sex? Married women, single women, women who are dating.. .women who are straight, who are not, who love men, who love their toys, or who love themselves.

What is the purpose you see in having sex? Have you given it much thought? How often do you want it when your Other does not? Visa versa? Do you feel good during sex, and what about afterward? Have you ever been scared of sex?

If you're a virgin, do you find the subject fascinating, or do you find it frustrating? Do you have any reasoning behind being a virgin, or has life just rolled that way?

Oh man. This is a LOT of questions. I suppose too much for one thread. Feel free to answer any of the above. Still, since I love polls, I'm going to cut a few of them out and make things basic.

Thanks, Ladies!

So here's where I'm coming from...

I was raised in a society where sex was not discussed. My mother didn't mention sex until I was 17 and packing for college. All she said was that it was fun. that's it. she asked if i wanted to discuss it more. i said no. that was that. she has tried to bring it up since, i choose not to discuss it with her. Mainly because she most likely views things differently than I do... and considering that she is staunchly religious, she would be terribly depressed to learn that her baby is having sex without a marriage certificate.

I am 23. Went away to college the first time at 17, didn't have a sex life then. Didn't know what sex was about. Didn't understand anything beyond the basic biology lessons. Didn't care. I was studying. Masturbation was frowned upon by the religion that my parents followed, so I didn't know about that either.

Never discussed sex with anyone except a close male friend who had an active sex life. He pretty much answered all of my questions when it came to "How does it work?" Beyond that, I knew nothing. Again, it was never discussed beyond "You shouldn't do this."

ok.

fast forward. Left that college. Came home for 3 years. Started living. Learned how the body works. Learned that this can be fun. Learned that it can be scary too. Learned what it's like to have someone you can depend on.

Now I'm here at Berkeley and living in an all-women cooperative. there are no men. Occasionally someone has their boyfriend over for dinner or what-not. Most of the women here are lesbians. Most, suprizingly, still DO NOT DISCUSS SEX?!?

I don't understand. I want to get out there and talk about these things that we discuss here in the Ladies Lounge. There are issues and concerns and questions... why can't we discuss these things with our women friends?

it just boggles my mind is all.

I love men. I'm a fan of serial monogomy. It doesn't work for me to have my heart torn in two or more directions. I become emotionally attached when I have sex. I love it. I find it fun and exciting. I tend to have sex once a month, maybe twice. I masturbate once to twice a week. I haven't played with toys. I don't really understand their appeal, though I am curious these days. Mainly because my Tt is several hundred miles away and it has been 20 days since I have seen him. Masturbation doesn't always do the trick. I find it difficult to make myself climax. Perhaps I don't entirely understand my own physiology? or perhaps it is al mental block.

sex is a part of life. why can't we talk about it?

__________________
"Sometimes I have to remember that things are brought to me for a reason, either for my own lessons or for the benefit of others." Cynthetiq

"violence is no more or less real than non-violence." roachboy

savvypup

Wow, it's one of the main topics of conversation with my circle of gal pals. Not the deep nitty gritty, although through these conversations, you get hints towards what another person enjoys and can normally broach this one-on-one at another stage. And although we're also having a bit of a laugh about things, it reassures you that some things you might encounter are quite normal.

I'm not at all from a religious background and ditto with the group I'm around. I certainly don't knock that, but I'm a bit ignorant to religion. I really don't understand how it wouldn't be discussed by parents especially at such an age.

I love sex .... just the thought makes me quite horny ....... don't have a problem with masturbation ......... have quite a gallery of toys ......... and am not embaressed at all. Why do I have sex? #1 - it feels fantastic and relieves stress and closely followed by, the other person turns me on and I want to enjoy them and make them feel good.

I used to be quite self conscious about the way I looked and wondered how I scaled up. Now, I'm there to enjoy and make the other person feel wonderful too. I love being confident enough to ask someone what they enjoy and make it come to life.

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ciao bella!

genuinegirly

Thank you, savvypup! Just the kind of response that I'm looking for. I notice that some take the poll but don't comment...

why?

don't be shy!
thanks.

__________________
"Sometimes I have to remember that things are brought to me for a reason, either for my own lessons or for the benefit of others." Cynthetiq

"violence is no more or less real than non-violence." roachboy

Grasshopper Green

I have certain friends that I have discussed sex extensively with, and some friends that I have never discussed it; I have discussed it quite a bit with my sister, and have always felt uncomfortable discussing it with my mother; for me it depends on the level of comfort of whoever I"m talking to. I am pretty comfortable talking about it, and when hubby and I were younger, I was the go-to gal for some of his single friends. Personally, I don't feel it's a subject to broach until you know someone fairly well (unless it's a somewhat anonymous internet forum )

__________________
"They say that patriotism is the last refuge to which a scoundrel clings; steal a little and they throw you in jail, steal a lot and they make you king"

Formerly Medusa

maleficent

I love sex... I have no problem discussing the mechanics of sex or answering general questions regarding sex... but talking about my sex life with anyone other than the person i am currently having sex with I would never do... I don't kiss and tell, it's disrespectful to both me and to the person I am having sex with...

Personal details stay with the people involved...

I've never really had girlfriends-- but I seriously don't want to know what other women are or are not doing-- it woudl either make me feel like a slut or inadequate...

I remember a few years back, something happened with the guy I was dating, I honestly don't recall what, and this was before the days where everything you ever wanted to know was available on a google search.. He seriously said to me - why don't you ask your sister... Umm dude - i wouldn't ask my sister for directions to the mall - why would I ask her for something that intimate.. It's just strange to me that people would discuss that with a sibling... one more mystery of the universe that I will never understand.

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ngdawg

Sex was discussed in our house, to wit: "Wait until marriage!" End of discussion
I got my information from friends and the movie 'Candy', which I snuck in at 13 with my best friend to see. (my review? 'why wasn't she drippingly soaked and sore as hell?')
I learned what to do, how to do it, etc., from the guys I had sex with.
My sisters love to talk about sex. I can take or leave the conversation, really. I'm not interested in where, how, when and how often they have sex. My mother never talked about it when we were younger and in fact, proved herself to be pretty ignorant of the workings of female anatomy when my daughter was born with a congenital condition that made her inner labia seal shut over her vagina. She asked, how does she pee then? Uh, mom...they're next to each other, not one and the same.....
I don't talk about sex much with my best friend either out of context of relationship conversation. Ironically, though, I have a few good male friends that have no problem talking sex, plumbing, etc.

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Don't blame me. I didn't vote for either of'em.

genuinegirly

Medusa -
How did you find these friends that are willing to discuss sex, or how did you become comfortable discussing such things?

maleficent -
Thank you SO MUCH for voicing your opinion. Would you discuss the mechanics of sex with your sister?

it's not so much personal details or how many times one has sex or with how many boys. It's not about a desire to brag. It's about being comfortable enough with the human women around you to feel comfortable asking them basic questions. Like:
" I bleed when... is this normal?" or "Is it supposed to sting when...?" or "Is it normal to only want sex a couple of times a month?"

I feel completely comfortable addressing these issues in the TFP LL, but I don't feel comfortable asking my female friends any of these questions.

Sure, you could say that these are questions for a gyno, but why can't I feel comfortable asking my sister... or my close friend dorm-mates.

These aren't bragging questions (hence the phrase "rationally discuss sex" in the initial posting). These are questions about the facts of life.

ngdawg-
that is really very unfortunate about your mother's ignorance. I hope that your daughter is well and there haven't been any other undue complications.

__________________
"Sometimes I have to remember that things are brought to me for a reason, either for my own lessons or for the benefit of others." Cynthetiq

"violence is no more or less real than non-violence." roachboy

maleficent

i wouldn't feel comfortable discussing the weather wiht my sister...

I would no more ask a personal question on the internet, than Iwould consider asking a stranger on the street... the medical issues I'm currently dealing with are between me and my doctor -and my ability to google...

Misery may love company but I'd much rather deal with issues professionally than with supposition...

sex questions I don't think are much different - asking if it's normal for a person to want sex only x times a week - who's judging what's normal? is it normal for you and are you ok with it then why ask the question of someone else?

Some of the questions that get asked.. honestly I scratch my head sometimes and wonder if they slept thru health class - or why is a person even having sex if THAT is their question...

Disclaimer: I am probably one of the most outwardly conservative and uptight (outwardly) people on this board - what I do behind closes doors stays behind closed doors

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Lindy

Great thread, genuinegirly. I love sex! These are a few random thoughts after reading the thread.
I would do it every day with the right partner, although I do find it more intense if I’ve been "without" for a while. I like intercourse ‘cause it brings to me a feeling of emotional and physical closeness, but I think some other things are more fun. I like toys and I like masturbation--sometimes I just feel turned on and want to do something about it. If I'm already turned on and in the mood, I get off VERY easily. But what I really LOVE is to have a hard cock in my hands. And my mouth. I like to watch it squirt (but not in my face) and the expressions on my partner’s face and his body jerking during those first few seconds after orgasm. Jeez, I am such a nerd! Even sex, I have an intellectual approach! It absolutely fascinates me the way different men cum. Also breast play, which most guys love, but some are indifferent. Getting it going with somebody new can be either especially exciting or really disappointing. You absolutely cannot judge the book by its cover!
I really love pleasuring my partner, and if I notice that feeling starting to wane, I know that the relationship is in trouble.
Talking about sex can be a turn on for me, especially suggestive talk and wordplay. But not the loud, crude style favored by the comedy club crowd.

I would love to have been able to talk about sex with my Mom. I got most of my sex info from other kids, and some from my Dad. During my early to mid-teen years my Mom had severe depression, and just didn’t function very well. Dad did the best he could in a difficult situation, since I spent my sophomore and junior years just being a slut, essentially taking on all comers. Looking back, it was kind of funny, since except for being out of control sexually I was nothing but a goody two shoes band and choir geek.
Lindy

I went home to my parents over the July 4th weekend. Went to bed early after the long train trip and when I woke up to go to the bathroom about midnight I could hear my parents "doing it." Imagine, Dad's 61 and Mom's 55, actually having sex. When I was younger, I would have thought that gross in the extreme. Now, at age 29 it gave me a good warm hearted feeling, with more than a hint of arrousal.

Sage

I totally dig talking about sex. I don't share personal details about my sex life, but I could talk for HOURS about what I know and such. You've all seen how much I plug The Guide To Getting It ON!, and I am extremely comfortable talking to people about sex. I feel like sex is such a big part of any relationship, and there's so much ignorance out there that I'd like to do my part to combat.

I am not shy, and I'm definitely not conserative. I want everyone to have a happy and healthy sex life, and for me part of making sure of that is talking about sex with other people. So, anytime anyone wants to have a chat feel free to PM me

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genuinegirly

Hmmmm I may have to find this The Guide to Getting it ON! hmmmmm

__________________
"Sometimes I have to remember that things are brought to me for a reason, either for my own lessons or for the benefit of others." Cynthetiq

"violence is no more or less real than non-violence." roachboy

Spiffgirl

Do buy the Guide to Getting it on...it's the perfect thing for gals like us that grew up with very little info on sex :-)

abaya

I love sex and I love talking about it. It depends on who I'm talking to, of course (evangelical Christians, for example, seem profoundly unable to talk about sex... so I avoid the subject with them), but if the other person is comfortable with the topic and the whole situation isn't creepy in any way, I'll talk for hours about it with my girlfriends. Sometimes even with guy friends, too, if they're safe to talk to.

Mind you, I WAS very conservative for my teen/college years, and believed in saving sex for marriage... but thank god, I wasn't raised religious. So eventually I went back to my pagan roots (as a little girl, I was pretty friggin' dirty, just for fun!), once I hit my mid-20s, and have been enjoying myself ever since. I feel kind of bad for most of my old religous friends, because I honestly think they are too afraid/ashamed to talk about sex frankly with anyone. I bet a majority of them have never had an orgasm... sad.

Hell, even my mom and I (and dad and I too, though not as much) talk about sex, because she's pretty down-to-earth and funny when it comes to sex. And I'm very glad for that, with my parents. I think they wanted me to wait until marriage, but since I waited until I was at least mature enough to deal with consequences (24), they seem to have respected that. My mom freaked out at first when she heard I lost my virginity, but she has since calmed down and we talk about sex frankly.

My boyfriend and I have pretty much only been with each other, but we have a very communicative relationship when it comes to sex, and we tell each other everything. We are open-minded about trying new things (though we are exclusive with each other), and we don't mind talking frankly with our other couple friends about sex (if they are not shy).

So, yeah, it all comes down to the person I'm talking to. If they're open and not too shy, or they're at least interested in getting some practical, safe information, I'm all about it. Sometimes I even wish I could work for a female-owned sex shop like Good Vibrations, just because it's so cool and it's great to educate others who might be more afraid/ashamed but want to learn more!

__________________
And think not you can direct the course of Love;
for Love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course.
--Khalil Gibran

genuinegirly

it is sad... but... they don't know what they're missing.

I had a male (virgin) aquaintance give me a cake that he calls "Better than sex cake!"
The cake was so terribly disappointing.

__________________
"Sometimes I have to remember that things are brought to me for a reason, either for my own lessons or for the benefit of others." Cynthetiq

"violence is no more or less real than non-violence." roachboy

snowy

Yeah, that would be me in a nutshell...though oddly I'm the one my conservative friends come to to discuss sexual matters. They know I'm open about it, that I'm not going to chastise them for their feelings or misbeliefs (and boy have I heard some), and so I'm safe.

I studied sex as extensively as possible in college via courses in Human Sexuality, AIDS and STDs, the history of sexuality, and women and sexuality (there is one more course they offer on sexuality here but I can't take it because I'm not majoring in public health), and a lot of people I know know this, so they come to me to talk about sex. I am okay with this. I like being a source of good information for them. Furthermore, the population I work with (at-risk teens) feels comfortable coming to me to talk about it.

And I do love to talk about it, to educate people, to open their eyes to how wonderful sex can be if done right and in the right situation.

I especially love to talk about it with my friend S. after she's had a couple and "the pantha" has come out to play. She's hilariously funny, and has had more than a few interesting adventures. She's coming to visit in two weeks--I can't wait.

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If I am not better, at least I am different. --Jean-Jacques Rousseau

Lindy

I think that it is a mistake to assume that healthy sexuality and religion are mutually exclusive. The fact that someone doesn't like to talk about it doesn't mean that they aren't doing it. Nearly all religions would like to restrict sex to inside a marriage relationship, but for a religion to be really "against sex" would be absurd. Where would the next generation of believers come from? I was also taught that one did not need to be free of sin to belong to a church. Good, because I certainly am not. Most religions are against sex between an adult and a child, prostitution, homosexuality, bestiality, etc. They teach that there should be boundaries in a person’s sex life, just as there are boundaries in other aspects of life.
I have had some great lovers that were strongly religious and committed to their church. I see no conflict with a hot time in bed on Saturday night and sitting in the choir Sunday morning. Sex gives me pleasure, church brings me joy. Works for me. Of course, I grew up in a small town in Kansas. A lot of the town’s social life revolved around the churches and church activities, the high school, the American Legion. Those things seem kind of quaint and archaic to my big city friends in Boston, but I never felt deprived.
Lindy

abaya

Oh, I certainly agree. I am not saying that people who are religous don't have sex!! Hardly. I'm quite sure that a number of my religious friends have healthy sex lives.

Keep in mind, though, that most of them married their first loves, and have never had sex with anyone else... not in itself a bad thing at all (same for me), but they think it's a sin to read books, watch movies, and talk about sex in an educational manner. Lust is a sin, so most of my friends prefer to avoid activities that might induce a worldly lust. I would also be willing to bet that their "boundaries," as you call them, keep them from trying (or even thinking about) different kinds of sex... which is indeed missing out on some fun, for no good reason that I can see (other than fear).

I find it troublesome that "sex" is a topic of shame with many of them, particularly women. If I, as an unmarried woman, brought up sex in conversation, many of them would turn red and change the topic. Either that or they would look down on me for not being married and having sex, and not treat me the same after that. Or they would try to convert me back.

I don't get it, why sex is such a hard-core topic for evangelicals... why they can't talk about it without blushing, and yet it dictates who they vote for in a presidential election. And I really would like to know the statistics of conservative women who experience orgasms... since I am quite sure that most of my religious friends never masturbated (or felt very guilty for doing so).

I just wish the whole topic of sex was something that could be discussed lightly, while having dinner with friends or something... I mean. EVERYONE HAS SEX, so why not talk about it and learn from each other? Why be afraid and ashamed of something that is so fun and beautiful?

__________________
And think not you can direct the course of Love;
for Love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course.
--Khalil Gibran

maleficent

why is other peoples sex lives any of your business or concern- if yours is healthy - then why do you even care what susie down the street is doing?

Learn from each other? What makes you think you're doing it right? It works for you that should be enough...

Just because it's fun and beautiful or whatever doesnt necessarily mean it's dinner conversation.

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abaya

I guess you're asking me, Mal, so I'll answer.

It's not so much a matter of other people's sex lives being my business, but more a matter of why we all have to be so secretive and ashamed of talking about it. If sex was as approachable a topic as most other things that people have in common, I think we could all learn a lot from each other's experiences.

On that note, I don't think I ever said I thought I was doing it "right" or better than anyone else. If I did, I apologize. Hence the learning from others part. If I didn't read about or talk about orgasms with my female and male friends, I doubt I ever would have learned to have one. I didn't masturbate until well into my 20s, so I had no clue what I was doing. I really needed to learn from others if I was ever going to enjoy sex.

Maybe everyone is having perfectly happy sex lives where everyone is satisfied every time. Maybe I was the only exception, where sex was not very pleasant for me until I determined to understand myself and my partner, sometimes with outside sources. But I just can't believe that I was the only one not getting anything out of sex. I know that TONS of women, and men, are unsatisfied with their sex lives. How else are we going to resolve those issues unless we talk together... not just with our partners, but also with others who have been there? Maybe not over dinner, sure (though with some of our friends, it would be okay), but at least over a drink at a bar or something casual.

Hell, that was one of the best things we got out of TFP, back when we first joined... how to improve our sex lives. I always thought that was something that most people appreciated on this board.

__________________
And think not you can direct the course of Love;
for Love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course.
--Khalil Gibran

Sage

Amen abaya!

I think that part of the issue with talking to people about their sex lives is- if your sex life sucks, you don't wanna think about it, much less talk about it. It's much easier to ignore your problems than deal with them in a constructive manner. Personally, I am charged by my negative sexual expierences to make sure that other women don't have to go through the same thing. I spent so much wasted time on hormonal BC and being totally whacky because of it that I will happily tell everyone I see on the street to go look into getting an IUD or something.

I think it also depends on the generation you come from. Girls today are more open about sex, and while that has negative side effects (like twelve year olds dressing like prostitutes) it also means that people are more open about what's going on sexually. It's starting to affect how we think about sex as a culture, and that's a good thing- it means that there will be less instances like many of us had growing up, with our parents never talking about sex.

Perhaps I do stick my nose out a little too far, but I've got a great sex life and a great marriage after years of having a crappy string of boyfriends, and I'll be damned if I will hesitiate to do my part in helping other women have as great a life as I have.

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Gilda

I discuss it pretty openly with my wife and with my sister. With Grace it's just part of being an intimate couple. I'm fascinated with every aspect of her as a person and I never tire of learning new things, of finding new ways to connect to her emotionally, spiritually, and physically. We were both fairly inexperienced at lesbian sex when we first got together, having had only one female partner each, so clear communication was a must. We learned how it works together, and from books and from a website dedicated to female masturbation and techniquest to bring a woman to orgasm, and it's never ceased to be a fascinating topic for each of us.

I talk about it with my sister because I don't want to see her make the same mistakes I made as a teen and in my college years. She initially went to Grace because she is more mature than I am, but kept getting sent to me because, well, what the hell would Grace know about having sex with a guy? It's mostly about protecting her, giving her information she needs to be able to be safe as well as being able to please herself and a partner, especially because, as Eric Larsen once put it, all a woman really needs to get laid all she wants is a vagina.

I've discussed intimate things with a person I'm close to here, but I don't think I've ever had a real life conversation with a female friend, mostly because I don't have any female friends outside of my family.

There are multiple purposes. It feels good physically, really good when it's done right.

It's fun.

It helps provide an avenue for physical connection. Humans need physical touch, physical affection from others. Much of this is purely platonic, hugs, a pat on the back, the rough and tumble play many guys and some girls enjoy with each other or parents do with their children. We, as a species, need to be touched by others, that craving for a physical connection to others is something built into us, and sex is one very intimate way of filling that need.

It can help to strengthen the emotional and spiritual bonds you share with your partner, if it is occurring within that type of relationthip. This is a very important part of our sex life for Grace and me, the way it brings us closer to each other as people.

It can be a way to show someone you love them.

Orgasms feel good, and women have one organ whose sole function is to provide sexual pleasure, and at least three others for which that is one of the two main functions. We're supposed to feel this, nature or God or evolution, depending on your viewpoint, has provided us with bodies that can provide this very intense pleasure, and with practice do so with great efficiency. To deny that is to deny our very nature as sexual beings.

No, actually I think about sex very little.

Mmmm. I was more sexually aggressive early on, but as we've progressed through our relationship, we've found that our sex drives have sychronized gradually, bit by bit, to where we're pretty close right now. It happens, but less and less often as we grow together.

I feel very good during sex. It took a good while to get there--I had some pretty serious issues regarding sex that Grace and I have worked through together as part of our relationship.

Afterwards is often even better than the during part, the being held and knowing that I'm safe and loved, the quiet casually intimate talk that comes with it.

Yes. Fear was a big part of most of my sexual experiences for the first few years, a good number of one night stands, and a pig part of one long term abusive relationship I found myself in in my early 20's

Part of it is religion, but part of it is an embedded cultural value stemming from leftover values related to sex stemming from the patriarchal nature of much of Western society.

I'm not saying that all men are like this, or even most, or that even society consciously views sex and sexuality this way now, so I hope that what I'm saying here doesn't get misconstrued.

However, for much of Western history, women, and by extension, women's sexuality, was viewed as a male possession to be preserved and protected by the father, with this responsibility later transferred to the husband. Female sexuality was something to be cherished to such a degree that it becomes like an action figure that never gets taken out of the box for fear of ruining its value (Hey, I'm a comic nerd, you find your own metaphor).

Not being able or not knowing how to orgasm, not desiring sex or being sexually assertive actually serve an important function in a society in which women are viewed as property. It preserves the idea of female sexuality as a male posession, something to be used for his pleasure and to produce his babies, and keeps sex as a wifely duty and for procreation. A woman who knows how to have an orgasm, who enjoys sex and her sexuality, is more likely to seek out multiple partners.

This patriarchal "women as property" standard is an extension of humans as animals. The male maximizes his chance of passing on genes by having sex with as many partners as possible while ensuring that each partner has sex only with him. A woman with multiple partners interferes with this, making it so that a male partner cannot be sure that his genes are those being passed on.

Now this isn't a conscious value in our or even most of Western society anymore, but it remains as an embedded value. Many of the norms and mores in our society, as with all, are remnants whose function has long been forgotten but remain in place because they go unquestioned, or because they've been subsumed into or attached to other values.

Ask a man who desires a virgin for a wife and he might not know what the actual origin of the value of virginity is--in primitive times it ensured that the woman's children were the man's offspring. Despite this no longer being relevant due to our clearer understanding of biology, the value of virginity remains among some as an embedded value, one that has since been attached to religion to give it more strength.

Much of that remains through this perception, even among women, that women and girls shouldn't be sexual beings or enjoy their sexuality, and the subsequent reluctance to discuss it remains as an series of outdated embedded values.

And I'll repeat this as a disclaimer, lest I be misunderstood: I'm not saying this is something all men or women, or even most men or women believe on a conscious level, just that it's a more that has become embedded into cultural consciousness to such a degree that it permeates much of our culture in so many ways subtle and over that it can be absorbed through cultural osmosis.

That's why it's important for sex and sexuality to be an open topic, something that can be discussed with others, to combat unhealthy attitudes towards sex and sexuality that interfere with people enjoying something that is good, normal, and healthy.

Gilda

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I'm against ending blackness. I believe that everyone has a right to be black, it's a choice, and I support that.

~Steven Colbert

Grasshopper Green

My situation was mostly born out of necessity. I grew up in an extremely conservative area, and sex education was taught by teachers who either turned beet red or had to stifle a fit of the giggles after saying the words penis or vagina. My parents never had "the talk" with me. I knew nothing other than the basic mechanics of sex and the admonition that sex before marriage was a sin when I went off to college.

So...my two best friends and I exchanged information with each other, as we all started having sex about the same time. Most of our discussions involved "am I doing this right?" or "is this supposed to happen?", because we really were all pretty clueless; I don't think either of them had discussions about sex with their parents either.

We don't talk about sex as much as we used to, and we don't involve the personal information we used to, because we all have life experience that doesn't require it anymore.

__________________
"They say that patriotism is the last refuge to which a scoundrel clings; steal a little and they throw you in jail, steal a lot and they make you king"

Formerly Medusa

raeanna74

Is sex itself rational?

I am quite comfortable talking about sex in an 'educational' tone, or about sex in a casual way.

My mother AND grandmother (which is unusual for her age) were both comfortable talking about sex in an educational tone. They both were willing to impart things they had learned. My mother in fact gave me tips on how to jerk off my husband (though she didn't use those terms - she used more technical ones) and how to masterbate myself. My grandmother told me that I should save one stained towel to put on the bed when I was menstrating but wanted sex... I learned a lot from the women in my family. My mom gave my brother much the same talk as well. Their knowledge was gleaned from the experiences they had with one man their whole life. I'm not sure what made them comfortable with it but it sure helped me feel comfortable talking about it.
I even recall teasing insinuations being made by mom at the table that made my DAD blush.

Take that one step further with me. I am comfortable having sex in public with many people watching. I am comfortable having sex with near strangers. So ask me about sex in a rational tone and I can talk rationally. I even 'instructed' a male friend (non-swinger) recently on how to get his wife off by fingering her. I don't know if it helped but it was all explained in a matter of fact tone. During swinger parties it's not uncommon for the women or men even to join in a conversation about escapades, technique, or tips in a very matter of fact tone. Granted conversations about sex are prone to jokes and teasing but I think it's because sex IS fun and primal.

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"Always learn the rules so that you can break them properly." Dalai Lama
My Karma just ran over your Dogma.

genuinegirly

I really didn't expect this thread to become so enlightening. Thanks, everyone for your input! A few personalized responses...

Mal - I wouldn't say dinner conversation, but I would think that it should be a topic one could discuss in confidence... still... thanks for putting your perspective out there.

Lindy - Great way to jump in to the conversation. I don't quite think you understood what I was meaning to say there... check your PMs. For the record- I am religious. Just stepped away from family beliefs and into another. Like you, I don't see a conflict of interest between religious beliefs and a sexdrive. Just feel bad for those virgins (religious or not) that have no idea what they are missing out on, yet persist in describing experiences in the context of sex.

Sage - Good point. I didn't even consider that those with unhealthy sex-lives aren't as inclined to discuss them - or even think about them. I guess I never put the two together.

Gilda - Well-spoken and researched response, as always. Thank you!

Medusa - thanks for responding to that question! It makes sense that the conversations began out of necessity. Makes me grateful for the LL.

ahhhh Raeanna74 - what a good point. no wonder why bringing up the topic makes us giggle.

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"Sometimes I have to remember that things are brought to me for a reason, either for my own lessons or for the benefit of others." Cynthetiq

"violence is no more or less real than non-violence." roachboy

Lindy

Part of my reaction to the whole sex vs. religion thing is from a boyfriend that I had a couple of years ago who came right out and said that he couldn't understand why a smart, good looking girl like me would waste my time with church. Like church is only for dull, stupid, and ugly people. Oh, and old people. This from a man who went out of his way to show off an attitude that embraced diversity and tolerance. Except, I guess, for traditional religion. What it came down to, I think, was that he didn't want to be INCONVENIENCED by having me kick his lazy ass out of bed on Sunday morning.
Yeah, I guess part of genuinegirly's post went a little over my head. And I agree, a virgin's opinion about sex is about as worthless as a deaf piano tuner. I'd been masturbating for at least a year before my first sexual intercourse (on my fifteenth birthday--makes it easy to remember) so I was expecting orgasms from sex. It was disappointingly rare in the first months of being "sexually active," and I get off pretty easily. But even my self induced orgasms were better than any cake I've ever had. On the other hand, over the last fifteen years I've had more than a few downright disappointing sexual encounters. Maybe better than cake, but probably not as good as a piece of warm rhubarb pie with farm fresh whipped cream on it.
Lindy

ktthequeen

Myself and my non-married girlfriends talk about sex all the time. We never really get into the nitty-gritty of sex about ourselves/our partners, but will definately air details if there is alcohol involved!

My married girlfriends really only want to talk about how much they hate their husbands and thus how much they despise sex. Sad, really, but us single gals can only sit there and nod (and secretly fantasize about the next great sex we're gonna have!)

I've never been too comfortable discussing sex on a personal basis since I have kind of a fucked up sexual background, but I'm slowly working through it.

little_tippler

I discuss sex with my friends, no problem. Only my closest friends though. I think it's healthy and it's interesting to have others' different perspectives on it. I usually like to keep well informed on a lot of things and my girlfriends are often sur+rised about all the things I know that they don't. I've always wanted to make sure I was good at sex so I have read up on it a lot - of course there's nothing like experience but a few tips can't hurt!

__________________
Whether we write or speak or do but look
We are ever unapparent. What we are
Cannot be transfused into word or book.
Our soul from us is infinitely far.
However much we give our thoughts the will
To be our soul and gesture it abroad,
Our hearts are incommunicable still.
In what we show ourselves we are ignored.
The abyss from soul to soul cannot be bridged
By any skill of thought or trick of seeming.
Unto our very selves we are abridged
When we would utter to our thought our being.
We are our dreams of ourselves, souls by gleams,
And each to each other dreams of others' dreams.

Fernando Pessoa, 1918

nikkiana

I have no problem talking about sex once someone gets me started.... It's just the getting the conversation started that seems to be the hard part. Spending a great deal of time in my teen years around evangelical Christians, I learned that sex was a conversation topic to be avoided because you didn't want to disclose the fact that you were sexually active for fear of being roasted alive.

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nikkiana

mixedmedia

I love talking about sex and will talk about it in a casual, platonic way with just about anyone who cares to. But, generally speaking, I would not be the first to bring the subject up unless it were in an indirect manner.

Impetuous1

I haven't had much occasion to talk about sex at all. The few times I have though it didn't make me uncomfortable. I actually enjoyed the conversation. I don't usually go into detail face to face but it's always good to get advice/ideas.

Oread

I may post in this thread again when I get to know this place a little better, for now, I just wanted to say that I found the above quote utterly hilarious.

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Intellectual curiousity goes barefoot.

!!abbot

On the contrary I can say that me along with some other ladies have a group and we talk about sex quite freely. Incidentally we are all married and we do share our ecstasies with each other, and this helps immensely. We have ensured that our sex life is full of pleasure and we should not suffer like others who deal with that situation for not having adequate knowledge in sex. Yes to a certain extent I do agree that like men we do not discuss about sex openly but there is no problem if we are meeting at some of our friends house! Moreover I should also mention about my husband who has been of great help in this regard and has always backed me.

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qtpye4u84

Sex is fun to talk about. My friends and I talk about it all the time, we are very open, but it did not start out that way. We use to speak about it in a shy voice and we use to blush a lot.
We love to get tips from each other!!
Masturbation is a hard skill to master but once you know your self its not as hard (those DAMN Men make it look so easy)
Toys make it easy(for me)because you wont have to move your fingers as much. You could just let it rest on your clit and move it a lil bit(you dont have to think of it being a penis just some extra power)
Watching porn while Masturbating helps some ppl not take as long to get them self off.

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The QTpie

maybird

I feel like i've run across the same situation. I am very open about sex and love to talk about it. Sometimes people think I'm too raunchy because I like talking about details and asking tons of questions. I'm just really interested in it. So, I've found that there are some friends who I can't even say the word Sex too...and others I can get into real detail with. I guess it all just depends on who you know and what type of relationship you have with those women friends. I rather have open friends who talk about it all...i find it interesting and love talking about it....well anything really...haha

I was in a 5 year relationship and we had a lot of sex at the beginning....a few times a day then it dwendled down as we started a long distance relationship when i went to grad school....then it was like 5 times a weekend each month. I think it got more monotonous and boring. I noticed he was interested in other things...so now I am trying to liven things up again by trying out new things that he's always asked for...but I've been to conservative to try....

Well that relationship is a long story to even begin talking about right now....but I have a great sex drive and think about it pretty regularly (when i'm not on the pill).

Meditrina

*takes a deep breath* Ok, here it goes.

I have always felt uncomfortable talking about sex with anyone, even my SO. I was raised by closed-mouthed, closed-minded parents. They could not understand why we needed a larger blanket when I stayed at his house during our dating years. They assumed I slept in a different room, I guess. They never discussed anything with me (not sex, not religion, not politics, get the idea?). These became taboo subjects because of this. Add to that the fact that when I did question things at home, my parents easily dismissed my questions without giving an answer. So to this day, I am still uncomfortable talking about it and asking questions about it. I have tried in the past to speak to my SO about it, but he is like my parents and dismissed anything I wanted to ask by joking around about it.

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"Toughness is in the soul and spirit, not in muscles." ~Alex Karras

jewels

I love sex and love talking about it. It wasn't discussed at home when I was a child, or even when I became pregnant as a teen. I got hit with "Why didn't you talk to me?" from my unapproachable mother when she found out. It wasn't forbidden; our relationship never warranted any intimate discussions.

I've had a couple of female friends over the years with whom I was able to talk and joke about sex because most women I've met seem to feel such conversations are taboo. But most of my learning and favorite conversations about sex have been with men, whether they were lovers or friends.

That's another reason I love it here at TFP. I can be curious and nosy and learn and share my own experiences. Gotta love it.

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We are always more anxious to be distinguished for a talent which we do not possess, than to be praised for the fifteen which we do possess.
Mark Twain

abaya

You mentioned earlier about wanting to talk to your kids more about politics, etc to avoid having them grow up in the same environment that you did. Do you feel the same way about sex, in terms of keeping channels open for conversation with them?

__________________
And think not you can direct the course of Love;
for Love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course.
--Khalil Gibran

Meditrina

Yes, abaya. I want to keep all communication open with them. I want them to be able to ask me anything, and if I don't know the answer, I know where to find it.

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"Toughness is in the soul and spirit, not in muscles." ~Alex Karras

abaya

I think that's all any parent can do, really. It's my hope for my own kids, as well. I just have no idea how to go about doing that... but I have some time to sort that out. Let us know how it goes!

__________________
And think not you can direct the course of Love;
for Love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course.
--Khalil Gibran

velvet

So I'm a virgin but I find the topic very interesting. My mother never really open to sexual questions. So I just decided to find out on my own all the info. Now with friends, none of them are really open to that discussion. I have tried, but they just made the topic really uncomfortable. Although with guys it just seems easier to talk about it, they just don't have no shame about it. The only way for me to find out how sex works was by watching educational programs, articles, pictures, and of course videos. I'm curious how it feels though, but I'm just waiting for that person the right person. When I mean the right person it means someone I'm comfortable with.