josie333

Do you consider your spouce cheating when he is instant messaging someone, whom you both know, and they are talking about explicite fantasies? The woman wants to be dragged by her hair in the woods and be mistreated? It got worse from there. He says nothing happened between them. I gave him a chance to be honest. I asked him if he was cybering with her and he said NO! I have caught him in several lies lately about this woman. I wouldn't even be upset if he would have just been honest. Now I question everything.

ngdawg

Sharing sex fantasies with another when you're married is a form of cheating;cybering definitely is. The two are different but not mutually exclusive. And it's a different animal than sharing like girlfriends.
If he's been lying (and apparently is very poor at it if you've caught the lies), it's time for a serious sit-down. There's no need to be accusatory-he already knows what he's doing. But you do need to know what's going on in his head and where are you in all this?
If you really are having trouble accepting his activities, the old question comes to play: Are you better off with him or without him....then act accordingly.

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raeanna74

My hubby and I chat with people all the time. We share nudy pics and even cyber. The only way it works is that we have complete honesty when we ask each other about stuff. If your guy is lying he either feels guilty about chatting with this girl, OR he's afraid that you will be upset if he has cybered with her.

You could tell him that you would not mind if he chats with a girl, or even cybers with her. You could tell him that you wouldn't even mind if he shared explicit pics with her (if you are ok with that). Then, personally, I would wait to see what happens. If you've laid the groundwork that you are ok with this and you don't hound him about it, then if all he's done is chat, cyber or share pics, in theory he may begin to feel more comfortable in admitting to his 'naughty' bits of fun. But just because he doesn't admit does not mean that he is guilty of anything more than a little cyber fun or even less. If he doesn't fess up after letting him know he's not in trouble for any internet fun, then I would confront him once again explaining that you fear dishonesty more than anything he may or may not have done online. If you can avoid it for now, don't tell him you've snooped at all because the distrust may cause him to be more secretive.

This is just how I'd work things. Good Luck with however you work this out.

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hagatha

I personally think that the internet has made cheating incredibly easy. It has even blurred the lines as to what is cheating and what is just "chat". I met a lot of married men while doing the whole online dating thing. And most of them thought it was innocent fun since they were just looking for "chat". I pretty much assume that any guy who is really into the whole online world likely has a roster of women he flirts with online (at the very least).

A realtime SO can't compete with the cyber fantasy woman. She's there when he's horny, does what he wants, says what he wants to hear and goes away at the click of a mouse...its when an emotional attachment arises that problems start. And who are they really bonding with at that point? The person or the fantasy?

I think this whole cyber thing is a case of technology outstripping the capacity of humanity to deal with it. I know it certainly adds another challenge to the practise of monogomy.

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Gilda

I've cybered with Grace's full knowledge and consent, and on one notable occasion, her participation. For us it's a shared fantasy; so long as I'm climbing in bed and having real sex with just her, she doesn't give a damn.

Gilda

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Sweetpea

what occasion was that?

As for if something is cheating or not cheating.... something is only okay in a relationship if Both parties consent to it and are being open and honest with each other about it.

If he's lying to you... yes indeed, I'd say that's cheating.

Cheating, to me, is defined by something someone is hiding/keeping secret and it could be anything, including texting based on that defin.

I'd encourage you to keep communicating about this issue with him, trust can only be re-built when honesty and openess is taking place. And if he can't be honest with you and continues lying to you... you're much better off without him. Everyone deserves to be in a relationship build on respect and trust, that includes you.

we're here for you if you'd like to share further

sweetpea

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Lady Sage

I never would, I cant vouch for Pans feelings on the subject, but I doubt he ever would.

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Mrs Master

He's lied about being intimate with the other person online. If he got on the phone with this woman and did the same thing wouldn't that be considered cheating? If he went to a bar and did the same thing wouldn't that be considered cheating. Its one on one, its secrect, its sexual, its emotional, its cheating! And the worst part is you're feeling all the crap from it, not bloody fair, IMO action needs to happen immediately, lay it all out in front of him baby, respect yourself because he obviously isn't.

mixedmedia

I think it's definitely cheating. And what's more, it's obvious that he thinks it's cheating, too.

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pornclerk

I don't think that cyber sex would really bother me if there was no emotional attachment. For me it is sort of along the same line as looking at porn, which also doesn't bother me. As long as my boyfriend isn't making plans to hook up with the person or trash talking me I guess it would be fine.

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josie333

Thanks for your input. I do apprieciate it.