Can Porn Be Considered Cheating?
 

First off understand that I understand the fact that men and porn are like men and football. However, is there ever a time when looking at porn becomes cheating? For example, if your partner is looking at more porn than having sex with you...is that normal? Or is there something that has changed in the relationship considering it had never been that way for over five years?

I don't consider porn cheating. When hubby and I first started dating, I was uncomfortable with him looking at it and I felt that he should be getting what he needed from me. I've since changed my outlook...I don't have a problem with him looking at it, and frankly, I look too. I think it can provide spice to fantasies and to sex in general. However, if he would rather look at porn that have sex with you, his living breathing girlfriend, that is something completely different. The only advice I can give in that case is to talk to him. There is probably an underlying issue there that needs to be resolved.

I forgot I'm a dude.

I don't think looking at anonymous porn is cheating at all. It's like oxygen to guys - they need it to live.

HOWEVER, I would consider it some form of betrayal if he were to look at pornographic pictures/movies of people he actually KNOWS (ie an old friend, ex, online gal pal, etc.), even if he is not in any sort of physical relationship with her. Also, if your s/o would rather look at porn than have the real thing, as Medusa pointed out, that's just wrong and you need to talk to him about it.

I also forgot I'm a dude.

Isn't this the Ladies Lounge? Why are you men posting in here?

And no, I don't consider porn cheating. If it becomes a habit and detrimental to your sexual intimacy, then perhaps it's not the best thing for your relationship. But there's no reason to equate that with cheating.

It depends on what agreement the two of you have. I certainly think it would be stretching the bounds of relationship "legalese" to call porn "cheating," but I can certainly see how someone might consider it a "betrayal" if they thought you had some kind of agreement about not looking at/lusting after naked fucking people. I can also see how that person might be considered "naive" and "a prude." Those are techinical terms. ;)

Speaking from experience my ex was addicted to porn and would rather look at it then have sex with me. In fact I caught him having sex with the online porn a couple of times. Being that I wasn't getting sex from him, but online porn was, this caused a huge jealousy on my part.

How was this situation taken care of?

We broke up.

Seems to me it was more of a relationship problem then his problem with porn addiction, as yours might be also.

We were also together for like 6 years, so I can relate to your situation.

*Nikki* that is funny that you said that you and your ex were together six years because my relationship is coming up on its six year anniversary. I guess I also should have said this...Until about the last six months of our relationship my husband and I had sex at least five or six times a week. Then all of the sudden things kind of started changing. It seems as if he is no longer the man I married (for many other reasons as well). I have never actually caught him in the act or anything. I only see all of the different websites, chat rooms, web cams, etc that he seems to visit. Once this was all brought to my attention I definitely felt betrayed! Only because I am sitting here going wtf because I am sure as hell not satisfied either. We talked and he blew things way out of proportion and said it was basically my fault for having to go to bed so early (for work when he doesn't even have a fucking job) and that because we're married he's not trying to "beat it up". Things did die down quite a bit since the talk but I am still not getting satisfied. I am only 22 years old and told him when we met that I enjoy having sex quite frequently and am almost never "not in the mood"! So, I guess all in all, if I am not denying him of sex, why would he feel such a need or desire to porn surf so frequently? And because of this should I feel betrayed?

Well, I don't want to psychoanalyze or even begin to pretend I know enough about your husband to make any claims about him, but how long has he been out of a job? I know from experience that a husband who doesn't work while his wife gets up every day and goes out to earn the money needed to support the family can develop self-esteem issues. And I am not talking about relationships where there is a mutual decision made for the man to stay home and care for the kids while the mom works - and can afford to support the family on her one paycheck - but ones where the man just will not go out and work and/or hold a steady job. He could be dealing with some control issues that are forgotten in enjoying fantasy and pornography. Combined with the fact that pornography can be quite addictive. If any of this rings true, then I would suggest some deep heart-to-hearts and most likely some marriage counseling.

Now that you included more info I tend to agree with what mixedmedia said. I definately think he is having some self esteem issues. He is home all day with nothing to do, I know when this happens to me I also spend a lot of time on the net. If he is looking at porn and masturbating then also definately his sex drive would more then likely decrease as he is already satisfied by the time you come around wanting sex.

I suggest that you do seek counseling as your situation does sound different then mine was. I don't think the issue is so much with you as it might be with your husband and what he has going on.

I can tell you that coming home from work and seeing that your unemployed partner has been gratifying himself with page after page of busty young beauties plays hell on the self-esteem.

I think it could become cheating if the partner viewing the porn was spending so much time viewing porn that they neglected to give any attention to their partner. Cheating is harmful to a relationship because it
- shows a lack of respect for the other partner
- draws time and effort from the existing relationship
- is done deceitfully and then harms trust

If the viewing of porn involves these things then I'd say YES it's cheating and harmful. If not - WHO cares. Now I realize that viewing porn while your girlfriend is at work and then not telling her could be construed as 'decietful' but if she doesn't care that you look at some porn why should you have to tell her every time that you do. If the other partner is bothered by porn then a serious talk needs to be had. Personally I see no issue with viewing porn but if one partner has to sneak around to do something the other partner disapproves of it will deteriorate the relationship no matter what it is.

In your case it sounds like it's or something else is drawing time and effort away from the relationship. If he got upset that you wanted more sex instead of his beating off then it shows that he has a lack of respect that needs to change. It also sounds like he might be acting deceitfully and hiding things. This relationship needs some serious Rx.

This is true as well........

That's when you get even by putting in several suggestive google searches for him to find. Just make sure they're searches for features that he himself does not posess. :D

"getting even" isn't something I'm into. I have no real problem with porn as long as it's used as a supplement
to an active sex life. What really sucks is dragging yourself in the door after a hard day at work to find that your partner has been busy viewing naked 20 yr olds all day and either has no interest in or can't perform with you.

One small question - Why does he not have work?

Also - your relationship may be on it's six year anniversary but how much of that time have you been married??

personally I have a feeling, from what you told us about the situation, that the biggest problem is not the porn so much as his lack of interest in you. I don't see how looking at porn could make him less interested in you. For a number of guys I know, looking at porn just makes them more horny and more interested in actual sex. He's not avoiding sex because he's too tired or looked at too much porn. Something else is wrong that he's not admitting to.- That's just my 2 cents worth.

I'm lucky in one sense because my boyfriend doesn't look at porn mainly because he isn't into it and he is quite busy with his company. And besides he has me so he doesn't need to watch others having sex.

If I were with a guy who was consumed with porn I would probably drop him. Nothing wrong with looking at porn but if a computer screen is more of a turn on than me, well then see ya.

From my own experiences with using erotica/porn I find that after a time it all starts to look the same if I view too much of it. Instead of enhancing my sensuality it deadens it if consumed in excess. I am assuming that this is, at least a part of the problem. Another factor I think is that when one fills their eyes with gorgous 20 yr olds it's easier to overlook the fact that you are yourself getting older, it's not so easy to do that when you're face to face with your middle aged partner.

Also, our eyes are literally bombed with image after image of perfect, tan, young beautiful people, in magazines, on tv, in movies, in porn etc.For an increasing number of people it becomes harder to get aroused/excited over real time partners. It is also something of a depressant, particularly if a guy has unemployment or other self-esteem lowering issues going on in his life.

That's true but then again the thread starter is still in her early 20's not nearly middle aged yet.

This is kindof what I was thinking when I asked "why doesn't he have work." This sounds like an issue that isn't caused by the porn. Perhaps he looking at the porn because of another underlying issue.

I had a SO staying home without a job and no kid to watch, who spent most of their time viewing porn. When I got home they pursued sex relentlessly. Multiple times a day every day was par for the course and I got to the point that I was sick of it. Too much sex can be a bad thing too. So in my experience (this one particular man at least) was excited by the porn, and even though he would masterbate during the day, he was still ready and willing come evening when I was home from work.

To me, if he's looking at some anonymous porn it wouldn't be cheating. BUT if some real life chick is sending him naked pictures or if he's getting naked on the webcam with another woman, that would be a form of cheating to me. And I've caught a guy doing that before and trust me it felt just like any other type of cheating.

I agree.

It's the disception too that makes up cheating.

I agree with raeanna74....I know what you mean. Been there! It can be just as bad that way around too. I had an ex like that too. Wasn't working, sat around watching porn, which only made him even more horny and ready for it when I got home. Which seems great at first...but after a while, it put a lot of strain on us.

As for 'is porn cheating?', No I don't think it is. Although there is a problem when he's giving it his undivided attention and not spending any time with you. There are definatly issues there.
I know when my ex was watching porn alot, I found it quite difficult to deal with at first. Mainly because it was something I'd never been into...not in an opinionate, 'I think it's wrong' kind of way...I'd just never really thought about it. In the end, I expressed this and he asked me to watch it with him.
I don't know how you feel about porn, but it actually really helped us (to start with anyway!) We'd watch and enjoy it together and it spiced things up, making our sex life even better than it had been bfore, and stopped me feeling completely rejected.
Might be worth a try! But I do think it sounds like you guys have a few things you need to sort out...in particular what the whole situation is doing to BOTH of your self-esteem.

Porn, to me, isn't cheating. its just an extension of the sexual self. Online sex, however, with a stranger is cheating. its interactive. I've seen these guys online who say they're attached but that online sex isn't cheating....I foresee the whole online sex world as becoming more problematic to relationships.
personally, I don't get off on porn but maybe I just haven't seen any good stuff.