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Old 02-20-2006, 09:33 AM   #1 (permalink)
s3b
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Problems orgasming

I'm sure a bunch of people have posted about this before, but I cant seem to find the posting, so I thought Id put my own situation out there and hopefully get some feedback.

My boyfriend and I have sex pretty regularly, we usually only get to see each other on the weekends since its semi-long distance and we'll probably do it twice a day on the weekends. For awhile, I wasnt too comfortable doing anything but missionary... but now that I'm less lazy and a lot more comfortable I'll usually go on top and we've tried doggie style once or twice. The thing is, I'm pretty sure I've still NEVER COME DURING SEX!

When I'm on top its definitely a lot closer to coming, but do you guys have any recommendations of positions which you've found it easier to come? He lasts a decent amount of time, enough so that I can come... but even when he goes "down" on me I cant seem to climax. Everything will be going well, I feel like I'm going to orgasm.. but then it just goes KAPUT and nothing. I'm aware of what an orgasm feels like because I started masterbating about a month ago, not too frequently.. but I dont know why I just cant come! So some friendly lady advice would be greatly appreciated! LOL! THANks in advance for your help.
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Old 02-20-2006, 09:35 AM   #2 (permalink)
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orgasms are 90 percent, if not more, mental... if you can have them from masturbating.. then the problem is not with you...

I'd suggest spending more time on foreplay... or just letitng your mind go.. stop focusing on the end result and whether you can or can't orgasm - and just enjoy the ride..
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Old 02-20-2006, 09:58 AM   #3 (permalink)
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OK... first of all, have you ever had sex before, or is your BF your first? Are you his first?

I ask this because people often enter into a sexual relationship with expectations as to how the sex will happen. Depending on where you see most of your sex (porn, cable porn, etc), your expectations about sex will be different. If you've never seen anyone else having sex, you have no solid idea what's supposed to happen and so you make up a scenario that sounds the most likely or follow what your SO is doing.

You're not alone in not having an orgasm through sexual intercourse. Many, many women cannot- it's not a big deal. However, if your boyfriend spends two seconds on foreplay and then just jumps right in pumping away, it IS a big deal. Looking at the broader scope of relationships, they're not just about sex. How well things go in other aspects of the relationship affects the sex. So-

1- does your boyfriend know how you feel about sex? Does he know you've not had an orgasm and that makes you wonder? If he does know, does he care?

2- Have you ever had an orgasm with your BF while not having intercourse- through oral sex or fingering with your BF?

3- When you have sex with your BF, are you getting caught up in the moment or trying to lie there and make it picture perfect sex... complete with faking an orgasm? Like Mal said, orgasms are mental, but that doesn't mean you have to think about having one! Just relax and let go!

4- I would also suggest a few books on sex and sexuality. As I have recommended many, many times before: The Guide to Getting it ON! by Paul Johannes. Perfect book for learning all about sex and sexuality- even if you think you know it all. At the very least, next time you go to Barnes and Noble check it out in the human sexuality section. Another good book is Supersex by Tracey Cox

5- Because we care, all of us here at TFP want to make sure that you're using birth control, and have been to your Gyno for a checkup (becuase you're supposed to start doing that once you start having sex). Also, if you're not his first sexual partner (oral sex counts!!) has he been tested for STDs? This might not be the most romantic step in having sex, but it definitely takes a total mental load off your mind to know that you're not going to get pregnant and you're both clean and STD free

Keep posting and keep us posted!
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Old 02-20-2006, 10:34 AM   #4 (permalink)
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I've had sex briefly before, but probably a few minutes into it (before either of us came i asked him to stop) that's a different story though, LOL. I am my BF's first.. and I guess hes my first in the sense of having sex (it being longer than a few seconds)

I'm not sure about my expectations. I guess all I've really seen are from movies or TV. I've never watched porn (lol) so I guess mentally all I've gone by is what I've seen on TV..

It doesnt seem to have made a difference whether it was sex after a long bit of foreplay, or just a few minutes of it.. and then jumping into him "pumping away" as you put it lol =)

1- A few weeks ago he was still unhappy about being unable to make me come - mostly when he gives me oral. I guess we're both super inexperienced. I'm the first person hes even "messed around" with.. like just making out in bed and what not. So he has no solid knowledge about the clit, and I guess I myself.. just having started masterbating am figuring out exactly what I like done down there.. But yes, he definitely cares.. and tries to learn and figure out how to satisfy me mostly when hes going down...

2-Nope, I havent orgasm during oral sex or fingering. Sometimes its amazingly good.. but I just cant seem to climax.

3-It's probably a bit of both.. getting caught up in the moment, and also trying to get as into it as possible working to climax! It's probably partly mental.. just wanting to... to let him know he is pleasing me... but i guess i just need advice perhaps how to let go.. if i am holding back?!

And lastly, yes we are being safe- condoms.. and the such. thanks!
QUESTION: is it that most often when girls go on birth control.. they gain weight?

I've been trying to figure out whether or not I want to go on birth control. I guess I've been a little unhealthy lately so there's a little extra pudge.. haha "puppy fat" as he calls it and im just starting to go running and that whole bit again, so im scared to gain more weight!

THAnks for th ehelp!! =)
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Old 02-20-2006, 10:59 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Forget what you've seen on TV -- those are actors -- that's not reality... the only thing that matters is what you and he do at the time

Quote:
3-It's probably a bit of both.. getting caught up in the moment, and also trying to get as into it as possible working to climax! It's probably partly mental.. just wanting to... to let him know he is pleasing me... but i guess i just need advice perhaps how to let go.. if i am holding back?!
if what he's doing feels good... tell him... at the time... I'm sure he'll appreciate it...

How to let go? Work onclearing your mind andjust focus on what's happening at that moment.. not what he's goig to do next or whether you will or will not have an orgasm...

Oh and if he's telling you that you've got puppy fat - that's got to stop - is he making you self conscious about what you look like... that makes it harder for you to get you where you want to go...
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Old 02-20-2006, 10:34 PM   #6 (permalink)
 
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How long have you been having sex? My bf and I had sex for about 4 months before I learned how to come (we were each other's firsts, pretty much; same as your situation). It only really happened once I started to believe I would never come, and thus stopped worrying about it.

I usually only come through oral. It takes a lot more work on his part for me to come while he's inside me... it does happen, usually when I am on my stomach and he is lying on top of me, reaching around with one hand to stimulate my clit. But sometimes we are just too impatient for that.

Now, two things I have to ask you:
1) He said you had "puppy fat?" If you ask me, that's really not a nice thing to say. I would probably raise hell with my bf if he said something like thatl. Have you told him how that makes you feel, especially in regards to sex and your body?

2) From where/whom are you getting your info on BC? A condom is really not enough protection... the failure rates are surprisingly high given common use. I would be using another form of BC if at all possible, barrier/hormonal or otherwise. Personally I was on the Patch for a year and then the Ring for another year now, and have never gained weight on either (unless you count an increase in boob size, but that's not all bad!). The only BC I have heard is really bad for weight gain is DepoProvera (the shot)... but maybe other ladies can respond to this with their own experience.

3) Have you gotten a pelvic exam from your gynecologist since you started having sex? (More importantly, have you talked with a doctor or health care provider about birth control options?)
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Old 02-20-2006, 11:22 PM   #7 (permalink)
hoarding all the big girl panties since 2005
 
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Yes, and the BOOKS by god, you've got to learn more about sex than how to do it and how to protect yourself! Part of the fun of sex, and a whole heaping lot of the enjoyment, is learning about sex (all aspects of your sexuality) with your partner!

And listen to Mal and Abaya... they're seriously smart!
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Old 02-21-2006, 01:43 PM   #8 (permalink)
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haha, i should probably definitely come to his defense about the whole "puppy fat" deal. he's actually really cool about my weight. im about 5'5'' and usually between 122-125 pounds.. so just the extra pudge in spots that im just sometimes too lazy to lose. He says puppy fat lovingly.. when i say id like to lose some weight he tells me he loves my love handles and he thinks they're sexy, all part of girls being curvey and the such. It probably goes proportional to my butt and boobs. So yeah, the whole "puppy fat" isnt meant in a mean way, and its not really too big of a deal because he always says howmuch he likes it, etc. and that i dont have to feel self conscious.

Im currently studying abroad in England. I live in California.. so I'm not super sure about health insurance here. I know I'm covered by the NHS and insurance through the program im in, but I dont know if on campus there is a OBGYN, I should probably go in. Ive decided most likely to just end up going on the pill the next time my cycle comes around, because the condom has broken twice randomly already in a span of the last 3 months. But thanks for everyone's advice and the looking out.

Haha, sorry about phrasing that "puppy fat" thing wrong. dont get me wrong, perhaps that was the wrong phrase he even used.. but its only said nicely.. =)
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Old 02-21-2006, 03:43 PM   #9 (permalink)
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This is all great advice. I would like to add that you need to explore yourself more and know what you like. At least you've started masturbating and that is a start. Then spend an evening with him telling him what you like and what feels good. Then do the same thing with him. You will learn more about each other and also explore some different things that will be pleasurable, or not. Also, don't be afraid to help out during sex down there. Sometimes in certain positions the clit may need more stimulation than intercourse allows. Looking through books will give you ideas, but really I think it's a personal thing so what works for some women may not work for others.

I say learn your body through exploring, then learn his body. However, before any of that take care of yourself. Sex is great, but there are dire consequences that could occur and you should be better safe than sorry.

Oh, and I've been on the pill for 10 years. I have had no weight gain in fact I have lost weight. But I am active and eat healthy and in moderation.
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Old 02-21-2006, 06:16 PM   #10 (permalink)
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by s3b
im about 5'5'' and usually between 122-125 pounds..
Whoa, I'd be hard-pressed to find any pudge on you, at that height/weight. I'm a few inches shorter than you and 5 pounds heavier, and I think I'm doing well! So I'd say you have absolutely nothing to worry about. Thanks for clearing that up about your bf.

Meanwhile, relax....... and enjoy learning how to masturbate. It will pay off down the road, believe me.
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