clavus

Vascetomy -

It’s time for someone to interject a little sense into the topic. And since I have just been rendered sterile (I hope), I am just the man for the job. To follow is Clavus’ Guide to Vasectomy.

First off, there are the drugs. You get two valium. You are supposed to pop them down your gullet about a half hour before the procedure. Apparently there was problem with guys clutching their privates and rocking back and forth in crazy-eyed terror in the waiting room.

The doctors don’t like that. It’s bad for business. So they give you a couple downers and hope that you don’t drool too much on their five-year-old copy of Field and Stream.

Well, I’m a smallish person. So I only took one. I figured that one valium would be plenty to get me mellow (and I would have a little party-pill locked away afterward, should I ever want it.)

Important Vasectomy Tip #1. Take both pills one hour prior to your appointment. I was sweating like a whore in church while I waited for them to call my name. The drugs didn’t kick in until after I had a hole in my sack.

The nurse led me to the operating room, and handed me a blanket. She said I could use it for “privacy” after I took off my clothes. Privacy? Wha? You’re going to shave my balls? What exactly am I going to keep private?

I threw the blanket on a chair with my clothes and reclined in naked glory.

When the nurse returned, she looked at me and smirked. She hefted my unit up onto my belly and covered the top..oh, 18 inches or so with the blanket “to keep everything out of the way.”

Then the doctor walked in, grabbed the razor, and got down to the business of shaving my trembling, wrinkled scrotum.

Every time the nut-doctor went to shift anything, he’d give me a warning first. “I’m going to work on the other side now.” It cracked me up. Like I’m going to suddenly say, “Hold it, doc. You shave the left side, and that’s cool. But you shave over Mr. Right, and I might turn gay.”

Once he was done shaving, he uttered the words every man dreads when a he’s spread eagle, naked, in front of a stranger – “Nurse, fetch the zucchini.” Just kidding. He said, “This is going to sting.”

Sting is what a bee does when you step on it. Sting is how it feels to get shot with a BB gun. Sting is not the sensation of a needle boring into your scrotum. There should be another word for that sensation. A bigger, scarier word. A word like “strazoogalachalachowie.”

But no. I got “stung.” Then the Doc cut a hole in my sack and started fishing around. My nuts wanted nothing to do with this. They retreated to the back of the room and tried hide.

Vasectomy Tip #2 – It hurts. Don’t believe the people who say otherwise. When the most sensitive area of your body is opened up and prodded, it hurts. Why there is even debate on this, is beyond me.

At this time, I think I need to send a special shout out to the women who are reading this. Before you send me the “That’s nothing compared to what a woman goes through during birth / hysterectomy / gang-bang” email, let me just tell you to please shut your pie-holes. Women are tougher than men and we all know it. I’m sure if you ladies had scrotums, you’d pound them with bricks and wouldn’t even flinch. I don’t want to hear about it.

Vasectomy tip #3- Valium is your friend.

Finally, mercifully, the valium kicked in. It was like being drunk – good drunk, riding the crest of the perfect ethyl wave. I was high. I was, in my opinion, a brilliant conversationalist. I was funny…no, I was hysterical. Shucking and jiving with the professionals attending to my crotch, I didn’t have a care in the world. A scotch and soda would be nice though. And maybe pants. Ya, pants…

I was a riot.

I was so busy laying down my drug-induced comedy routine that I barely noticed when the doctor picked up what must have been H.R. Giger’s crochet hook and stuck it into my sack-hole.

It was funny, in a Jackass sort of way. I almost made a joke about him crocheting an afgan out of my vas deferens. But when he hooked Mr. Left’s delicate tether, and tugged it out the hole, nothing was funny. It was a baaaaaaaaaad feeling – sort of a cross between getting kicked in the ‘nads and pulling your intestines out your ass.

The doctor cut the cord. He tied the ends into elaborate knots (either Botswain’s whistle knots or jug-sling hitches, its hard to recall), and he cauterized the whole mess with an industrial-grade soldering iron. Then he repeated the process with Mr. Right’s plumbing. When the whole thing was over, the doc crammed my wounded spaghetti back into the sack and stitched it up.

Vasectomy Tip #4 – It’s not over until you say it’s over

For what it's worth, getting stitches in my bag wasn’t as bad as it sounds. It was already numb there. The bad part comes days later, when you get your stitches caught in your underwear just prior to taking a pee in a public restroom, and you nearly bite your tongue off trying not to squeal while the guy at the urinal next to you pretends like he doesn’t notice you gyrating and chewing on your tongue.

They say that the recovery period is supposed to last two to three days. It took me about a week before I stopped trying to walk AROUND my ice-covered crotch. I spent the week trying to avoid (with marginal success) anything that might move, jar, strain, jiggle, or otherwise traumatize my junk.

Some of the post ballbag-cutting activities one should steer clear of include: walking, running, driving a stick, sitting in any position that does not allow you to keep your legs spread like a Tijuana hooker during Fleet Week, and, of course, getting punched in the junk by a three-year-old child.

Explaining to Junior that “we need to be gentle with Daddy” from a fetal position on the kitchen floor was not one of my better moments in parenting.

There were a couple longer-term effects too. Effect #1 was the bruising. I won’t go into details here, but let’s just say “stuff turned black.” Effect #2 was that I carried around the got-whacked-in-the-cajones-half-an-hour-ago feeling for about a month.

But it’s over now. And I thank the gods of modern medical science that the operation did not go South like the one on my foot. I don’t know if I could have dealt with packing an infected scrotum with sterile gauze.

Am I glad I did it? Hell yes. They say that after the surgery, a married man can go from having sex once a month, to TWELVE TIMES a year!

__________________
Ass, gas or grass. Nobody rides for free.

HeadyIncognito

Heh. Informative, yet comical. A+

__________________
Even Hitler had a girlfriend...

Halx

clavus.. you've left ME in stitches, never mind the patchwork done on your nut bag.

__________________
You have found this post informative.
-The Administrator
[Don't Feed The Animals]

GakFace

whoa.. and now i'm almost cringing... ugh... Now I can see why some men might oppose it... ouchies. Feeling like you just got thwacked.. and last a month? holy hell dude....

Couldn't they just knock you out instead? Sleeping is always better...

__________________
RoboBlaster:
Welcome to the club! Not that I'm in the club. And there really isn'a a club in the first place. But if there was a club and if I was in it, I would definitely welcome you to it.

Bloodslick

I no longer believe what my friend said about his vasectomy. I'm also wary of getting one now.

Gee, thanks.

lordjeebus

That's the funniest thing I've read in a while.

And I learned something too. Thanks!

oberon

Yeah, I don't think I'd wanna be awake for a vasectomy...!

__________________
"There are finer fish in the sea than have ever been caught." -- Irish proverb

irseg

Damn funny and informative. And scary.

I'm sure the itchiness from having it shaved on top of all the pain was not too pleasant, either.

seretogis

Wow -- that has got to be the most hilarious account of a vascetomy to have ever been written. You alternated between horrifying me and making me laugh out loud, several times.

__________________
seretogis - sieg heil
perfect little dream the kind that hurts the most, forgot how it feels well almost
no one to blame always the same, open my eyes wake up in flames

bparker805

My only vasectomy memory was watching my dad sit in "his chair" for a couple of days with an ice pack on his boys... That and taking his vas deferens (yeah, he saved them) to my high school health class for show and tell.

Reese

I cringed and laughed all the way though this! There's no way I am going through this sober and/or awake.

Great story, I really think that second valium would have solved alot of your problems

__________________
“It is better to be rich and healthy than poor and sick” - Dave Barry

mrquackers

Cringe. Laugh. Cringe. Laugh.

Damn clavus, that's some of the best stuff I've seen in a long time! And, at the same time, some of the most painful. (I know, I know... my time's coming, but allow me my mortal fear of the procedure until then, please.)

__________________
"If you're walking on thin ice, you may as well go ahead and dance."

ratbastid

This from the guy who sawsall-ed his way through a garage door! You're just lucky the doctor wasn't locked out of your scrotom naked!

I myself am procreationally intact, and I'm praying for an advance in medical technology by when the time comes to change that.

Vyk

Thanks Clavus, that was hilarious.

A former girlfriend's uncle had to have his vasectomy redone. After he got back from the doctor, he walked into the living room of his house (albiet slowly and with a bowlegged stance). His 4 year old daughter ran to him. The look on his eyes when her head smacked into his groin as she wrapped her arms around his legs for a hug was priceless.

__________________
"Courage of the heart is very rare"

Destrox

Informational, yet comical.

Thanks for the good morning read, now I know a little bit better of what my father went thru so many years ago.

__________________
You bore me.... next.

Peetster

I'm laughing and cringing at the same time. How odd.

ARTelevision

first-hand, personal experience is always worth passing on.
great descriptions.
thanks!

__________________
create evolution

canuckguy

great read, thanks for the info, very funny! learned alot too.

mr sticky

Dude if you ever consider doing comedy, I guess you're close to being able to quit your day job!!

__________________
The sad thing is... as you get older you come to realize that you don't so much pilot your life, as you just try to hold on, in a screaming, defiant ball of white-knuckle anxious fury

quadro2000

Holy shit, that was funny. Like others, I laughed, then I cried, then I grabbed my nuts in terror. You just gave me the same entertainment as I would get from a movie. I owe you $10!

My father had a vasectomy after my brother was born. When my dad came home from the hospital, my brother ran to him and head-butted him right in the crotch while attempting to hug him. It was only the second time I had seen my dad cry. (The first time was when he sneezed shortly after having his gall bladder removed.)

Thanks for sharing...kinda.

__________________
You have to laugh at yourself...because you'd cry your eyes out if you didn't. - Emily Saliers

Dano069

Thank you for an educational trip through your testes!
I think I'll keep mine intact, thank you very much. Very funny read. Thanks for sharing.

__________________
I may look attentive, but I'm taking peeks down your blouse faster than the human eye can follow.

JStrider

oh man...that was hilarious....if im ever get one of those... ill make sure to take both pills...

__________________
-=JStrider=-

~Clatto Verata Nicto

numist

Clavus you are brilliant. What a great article. Thanks for sharing, even if I never get it done I have some hilarious mental images...

ubertuber

If I ever get mine done, I'm taking both pills. On second thought... Can I have your extra one as well?

Way to make something so personal funny!

__________________
Cogito ergo spud -- I think, therefore I yam

Craven Morehead

Damned funny. Thanks for the report. Had a friend that was playing catch with one of his sons the evening following his V. The son wound up and threw one a little too 'hard and inside'. Nailed him in the nuts. The expression on Mike's face when he saw th ball, just before it hit him was priceless. I doubled up in laughter.

Several years later, he became a surprise dad. Wonder if the errant ball to the balls had anything to do with that?

glytch

I'm going to jump on the "Clavus is a comical genius" train here as well. That was the funniest thing I've seen in weeks. One question though. Did you have the option of being asleep during the whole thing? That seems VERY sadistic to make a man be awake while that's going on. I think it's safe to say you've scared me enough not to go through with it.

__________________
If you're flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit. - Mitch Hedberg

TIO

rofl...that's brilliant writing, clavus! Thanks for providing that!

(As for the "And now I'm going to shift your junk and shave the other side," they have to do that. It's called 'informed consent,' and means that as long as they tell you what they're doing at every step, you can't sue them for it)

__________________
Strewth

laconic1

I shouldn't have read that while eating Chunky beef soup. I just snorted a big piece of beef out my nose I laughed so hard. Cringed at the same time too.

saltfish

You should take this and make it an act for Amateur Night at the local comedy club.

Grade A


-SF

tj2001cobra

Defintely a funny and painful read. Both of my brother-in-laws claimed that it wasn't bad. I am going to have to send this to them!

gremlinx8

This really was a great read. Even though I myself will never have to go through this procedure, I think that you have effectively communicated the pain and everything that it entails. Good Job!-- Hope you feel better.

__________________
Time you enjoy wasting, was not wasted. -Lennon

Averett

Best Thread Ever!

Hilarous!

__________________
Absence is to love what wind is to fire. It extinguishes the small, it enkindles the great.

remiel

do you know how strange it looks for a grown man to laugh and cluch his testicles in sympathy pain at the same time?

If comedy is about pain, then you're Bill Fucking Hicks, man.

__________________
"Then said Joseph to St. Mary, henceforth we will not allow him to go out of the house; for every one who displeases him is killed."

Gospel of the Infancy of Jesus Christ, 20:16

Boner

That had me rolling.

Thanks for the write up. My turn will come one day. Unfortunately I can't say I'm any less apprehensive about it!

majik_6

Good God, that was hilarious!

I always thought that maybe someday I'd get one (it'd be great to be able to give up the jimmy hats) but after that, I've decided that even an industrial sized block of latex with Texas Pete for lube would beat the surgery! Thanks for the warning (and a good laugh before I head to my first class of the last day of fall quarter).

__________________
it's all about self-indulgence

clavus

Wow. Thanks for all the kind words. I read that to a friend before I posted it, and the response was, "it was OK, I guess." I almost deleted the whole thing w/o posting.

You and your dad rock!

__________________
Ass, gas or grass. Nobody rides for free.

Minx

I hate to laugh at your pain clavus but like all the rest I can only say this absolutely made me howl with laughter!
You certainly do have a talent for taking an "ordinary" tale and making it great!

__________________
You've been a naughty boy....go to my room!

Snoogans

As will I. Clavus, you kick ass!

__________________
Internet hint: If someone's asking if what they do is weird, it always is.

rockogre

Hey, been there done that. I can tell that you are a vac survivor. The uninitiated have no idea.

And the drugs, YES! Take em, and your friends. This ain't a tattoo, you can be as out of it as you please.

And Minx, it ain't ordinary to those of us that survived the slasher.

__________________
Only two defining forces have ever offered to die for you,
Jesus Christ and the American G. I.
One died for your soul, the other for your freedom

Mango

Sound like anastier time than I had. I walk ou the door and down the street to a buddies house where we lit up a doobie.